Husband doesn't want my parents to stay longer than a weekend - it's a 7-hour drive for them

[Martacus]

I'd appreciate some advice here as my husband thinks I'm being unreasonable.

My parents live a 7-hour drive away. We recently moved to a new house and they haven't seen it yet. I would like to have them to stay next month for a long weekend (3 full days). We have a large spare room with an ensuite for them to stay in. My dad is amazingly helpful with DIY and has offered to put up shelves, help sort the garden etc.

I would also like to see them to catch up, and for a bit longer than just a weekend since they're coming all the way. I haven't seen them much this year for various reasons.

I would like to have them here for a full day on the Friday (so arriving Thursday evening, leaving early Monday morning) and I would take a day of leave on the Friday and show them round the area.

But my husband says no - 'no way' can they come on the Thursday night, and if I bring it up again, he'll get very annoyed. He only wants them over the weekend.

He can just WFH/ go into the office on the Friday, so he wouldn't need to see them. I've also told him he can make some plans over the weekend if he wants some of his own space.

For context, my parents are kind and helpful people and they would like to see us in our new home.

Well you've done both so now what? Carry on as before? ...and on

His unreasonable behaviour is as clear as day but if you're going to put up with it, what can anyone say that would help you?

Venting will only get you so far and then you'll just repeat it all again.

I’ve lost three elderly relatives lately who I was very close to and loved very much. I spent a lot of time with them over the years.
There are two things you should be aware of - as people get older situations change very quickly and secondly if you don’t spend time with people you love then you will regret it.

Your husband seems cruel and unkind. See them as much as you can. Forget what he says and just get them to come and stay. For me there would be no negotiation.

@Martacus hes only nice when you are ill as you are relying on him for support etc.

I have a friend who’s husband is fabulous when she’s ill as she stops going out, socialising etc and is reliant on him and his care.

He’s a controlling arsehole who’s conditioning you slowly away to
do as he wants and to tiptoe around situations that you know will make him angry.

OP - in years to come, you will look back on this behaviour and see it as the warning signal it is. You will wonder why you didn’t leave at this point.

I know how difficult it is when you love someone and you also know they can be kind at times. But this kind of behaviour wears you down over time.

when I was in a similar situation, I thought ‘well, I can’t leave because he sulks about my parents visiting’ , but actually you can. This is enough to leave him over.

it’s not even the action- it’s his attitude. He does not consider your wants and needs. He is very selfish, and this will only get worse.

he is selfish and ungrateful. That is a big problem.

I'm missing any good points here

It is absolutely clear that he is ALWAYS going to have the last word and make the final decision because he will always go behind your back to achieve this

There are many more important occasions when this will be the case.

I bet there have been many occasions in the past when he has overridden you.
How was your wedding?

Is this how you want your life to be? Doing as you're told? Bending to his will?

Even if he isn't 'outwardly' controlling, this is it.

As has been said, that's easy.

You can't argue can you?

OP does he have contact with his parents?

Definitely rings alarm bells for controlling. Does he like everything to be his way or is this unusual for him?

I would be very hurt/upset/sad if my DH reacted so negatively to my parents. Mine have been over from abroad sever times since we had our DD and no matter how busy/tired he is, he still welcomes them and always is up for it as they are my parents. Just like if his parents came over I would be the same.
I also don't like this power game he is playing and how he is the one making decisions the way that suit him best. It doesn't sound like he sees you equal and cares about you on a meaningful level. I don't like how he treats you. But the question really isn't this is so meaningful to you that you would walk away from him for this. If not then I suppose you just have to accept this all as he is not going to change.

Your husband is controlling.

I'd put money on he was 'charming' to your parents because he knew he'd given a bad impression before, and he needed them to see him as the wonderful man he (thinks he) is. He doesn't need them starting to realise their much-loved daughter has married a controlling man.

You know he wasn't genuinely grateful, that he didn't want them to visit. So you know his charm, and the gift, weren't genuinely meant.

Your parents let you live with them rent-free for a year, helped you out financially to get the house, help out practically, sound just lovely, you see them infrequently.... any half decent man would welcome them into his home, in gratitude for all they've done, and because he loved his wife and wanted her to be happy and to have lovely tome with her parents.

His excuses and lies and manipulation show this is not a good man.

Your married to a control freak - this is your life unless you and only you can stop this!

You should leave him.

Your parents obviously mean a lot to you and they care about you too.

Don’t stay with your husband if he is treating you like this. Definitely think about why you are with him. You can do so much better. You deserve better than this.

Thanks. I am mid-30s.

Thanks @Discointhekitchen . This is exactly how I feel. I sometimes worry I am overthinking this. But I do know that he is being unreasonable. It is helpful when others on here confirm this.

@Martacus i know how you feel. I wish I’d posted on mumsnet about my exH before I’d had kids.

would have saved me a lot of hassle.

I mentioned I raised it with him the other day. Along with saying I was nitpicking, he also said it was just 'a difference of opinion' on the matter of my parents staying.

There isn't a way of looking at this where you could say 'he may have a point', is there?

I ask because I have posted before on mumsnet - it was about him refusing to allow my friend and her husband, and my cousin and her partner, both who live a distance away, to stay with us overnight (just very occasionally, not more than once a year each). I thought it was unreasonable. But some posters on MN said they sympathised with his position about overnight guests, so I thought perhaps his view wasn't in fact that unusual.

He's either unreasonable about having visitors or you are simply incompatible. I think he is completely out of order on all counts as it's not frequent and these people are important to you.

Even if you are just incompatible it's enough reason to divorce. Once you have DC you will be stuck and isolated and further controlled.

Your parents let you both stay rent free for an entire year, they gave you money towards the purchase of your home, and they do extensive DIY when they come to visit. And they are kind.

And your husband? Do I need to spell out how utterly inconsiderate and selfish he is... and controlling and very, very unkind.

Whatever you do, @Martacus , please do not get pregnant. If you do, you WILL live to regret it.

It's not you, it's him @Martacus . I'm genuinely horrified by how your parents have been treated. He's already isolating you from them - where does it stop?

I'd get your mn ducks in a row. This would be a deal breaker for me.

You sound lovely. Your H sounds antisocial and controlling. You are incompatible imo. 'LTB' may seem like extreme advice, but you will be much happier in life if you find someone who at least tolerates, and ideally appreciates, your lovely family. Seconding the 'don't get pregnant' advice - controlling and emotionally abusive behaviour tends to intensify when there's a baby on the way.

hi @goingtotown , yes he does - he has a good relationship with his parents. They came to say for a weekend before Christmas, and we stayed with them over Christmas. His parents are nice people.

Why do you even ask? Just arrange for your parents to visit and he can sod off that weekend if he wants.

You're married to a guy who has no respect for your aging parents and your response is to tiptoe around him like he's a god.

Don't you have some sort of responsibility as a daughter to protect these parents that clearly shower you with love and kindness?

I can't believe that you let your parents work all weekend after driving so far.

If they come again o.p. make sure that you look After them. Go for nice walks, cook a nice meal, enjoy being together and tell your h that they are guests not skivvies. You and he need to work together to hang your own curtains.

Your parents sound very thoughtful and lovely. Look after them. Enjoy being with them when you have the chance.

YABU to let your parents do your DIY and gardening to the point where they're exhausted when you're a grown ass woman.

Your husband sounds like a nasty ungrateful prick. You both need to grow up tbh

His parents stayed a week !?
Why is that ok ?

Controlling prick is a mild term for your h. Sorry.