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Original poster

Husband doesn't want my parents to stay longer than a weekend - it's a 7-hour drive for them

616 replies

Martacus · 29/10/2023 22:53

I'd appreciate some advice here as my husband thinks I'm being unreasonable.

My parents live a 7-hour drive away. We recently moved to a new house and they haven't seen it yet. I would like to have them to stay next month for a long weekend (3 full days). We have a large spare room with an ensuite for them to stay in. My dad is amazingly helpful with DIY and has offered to put up shelves, help sort the garden etc.

I would also like to see them to catch up, and for a bit longer than just a weekend since they're coming all the way. I haven't seen them much this year for various reasons.

I would like to have them here for a full day on the Friday (so arriving Thursday evening, leaving early Monday morning) and I would take a day of leave on the Friday and show them round the area.

But my husband says no - 'no way' can they come on the Thursday night, and if I bring it up again, he'll get very annoyed. He only wants them over the weekend.

He can just WFH/ go into the office on the Friday, so he wouldn't need to see them. I've also told him he can make some plans over the weekend if he wants some of his own space.

For context, my parents are kind and helpful people and they would like to see us in our new home.

OP posts:
Mummyoflittledragon · 19/02/2024 06:23

Are you looking to ttc with this man? My advice would be don’t. He sounds very controlling. Men often get worse when they think the woman is truly trapped. Personally I would cut my losses now. You are still very young and you have time to meet someone new, who respects you and your parents.

2Old2Tango · 19/02/2024 06:41

I've only read your posts OP, not everyone else's, so not sure if this has been asked (certainly not answered). If your parents have, as you say, given you money for your house, I hope you ring-fenced it for protection, because I don't see this relationship going the distance. I couldn't live with a man who behaves like this about my parents.

goody2shooz · 19/02/2024 07:13

@Martacus so did he ask you if his parents could come and stay? What do you think he’d have said/done if you’d said no? Got very annoyed? Or if you’d emailed and told them not to come?
Have you giggled at these suggestions as they’re so ridiculous? If so, does that help you to realise just how awful his behaviour was? Do his parents (or anyone he invites) come to stay more than once a year?
A ‘partner’ who is so dominating will be even more of a nightmare if you have a child.

Original poster
Martacus · 19/02/2024 08:59

@Notquitegrownup2 and@HeadacheEarthquake , please don't make the assumption i 'put my parents to work' for the whole weekend. There were jobs to do which they wanted to help with. I told them we could leave some of them for another time, and suggested that we go out and do other things, but my dad particularly was very keen to get everything done and it was very hard to stop him. I was helping with the jobs. We had some nice meals with them and I did take my mum out for a bit, at least.

OP posts:
Notquitegrownup2 · 19/02/2024 10:57

Apologies, I obviously misread what you posted. You seemed to me to suggest that your parents were exhausted after a long drive and a busy weekend. Glad that you got it sorted and that all's well.

Iloveacurry · 19/02/2024 11:08

Out of interest, when his parents visit, how long do they stay for?

Original poster
Martacus · 19/02/2024 12:32

Iloveacurry · 19/02/2024 11:08

Out of interest, when his parents visit, how long do they stay for?

Hi @Iloveacurry his parents visited once so far, and stayed 3 nights (so two whole days). I would of course have been totally happy if they'd stayed longer.

OP posts:
Original poster
Martacus · 19/02/2024 12:39

goody2shooz · 19/02/2024 07:13

@Martacus so did he ask you if his parents could come and stay? What do you think he’d have said/done if you’d said no? Got very annoyed? Or if you’d emailed and told them not to come?
Have you giggled at these suggestions as they’re so ridiculous? If so, does that help you to realise just how awful his behaviour was? Do his parents (or anyone he invites) come to stay more than once a year?
A ‘partner’ who is so dominating will be even more of a nightmare if you have a child.

Hi @goody2shooz , my husband did check with me about the weekend his parents were coming, and it was fine with me.

His argument would be that I didn't get his explicit agreement about the original weekend my parents were meant to come, and he cancelled it because it turned out had a stressful work event the following week. I was very upset about that, but the main issue is that he was so resistant to them staying for an extra day (3 full days) when they had travelled so far, it was important to me, and he could just go into the office anyway. And he still stands by that position.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 19/02/2024 13:09

He is just being a knob.

You were hosting your parents, he could go into the office and stay late and focus on his work. You weren't asking him to be present.

I suspect his work and his demands always come 1st, 2nd & 3rd.

summernights24 · 19/02/2024 13:43

Don’t have children with he is vile I hope you get the courage to leave soon he is controlling and I could not let anyone decide how long I see my parents esp if his parents could stay longer and you would be okay with it.

summernights24 · 19/02/2024 13:45

And your parents gave you some money for the house I bet he wasn’t moaning then either

Nanny0gg · 19/02/2024 13:52

@Martacus There's lots of posts about what he says and does and how he ALWAYS gets his own way but...

What are YOU going to do about it?

Freeme31 · 19/02/2024 13:54

Can i ask OP do you mind if he is a control freak over your life, if no - why are you on here. Posters have offered advice but you seem to be accepting his behaviour & ignoring support. How are YOU going to change this situation?

Lifeinlists · 19/02/2024 14:27

I'm taking a guess @Freeme31 that she isn't going to do anything.

Pumpkinpie1 · 19/02/2024 15:16

Your poor parents OP!
Your husband has so many red flags . He’s controlling and is isolating you from your family. Not his , but yours!
Having children with such a man would bring you a life time of unhappiness

Nowstrong · 19/02/2024 15:25

So sorry you have to live your life asking permission for your family or friends to stay in your house. Or is it not your house? I could not live like that but each to their own, etc. Seems to me to be very controlling. Are you allowed day time visitors, or do you also have to ask permission?

Whatdirection · 19/02/2024 16:07

Dear Marticus,

I feel so sad for you and your parents having to tiptoe around what your husband 'allows'.It reminds me so much of the sort of things my ex would do.

Although my examples are a bit different to yours, there was a clear theme of isolating me from my family.

I remember him not 'allowing' my Mum to come and stay after our first son was born.

We were in a cramped flat with no spare room and he said if my Mum came then his Mum had to come too. I didn't feel very comfortable with his Mum so let that one drop. What makes me sad now it the realisation that l needed support but he was more concerned about perceived fairness rather than facilitating anything to help me.

He was very good at arguing his case and l would see his point of view

He also didn't want me visiting my Mum for a few days with the baby as he didn't like sleeping in an empty flat on his own.

To compound matters my family weren't always the easiest so he would often be able to justify keeping visits short etc - '24 hours is enough' was his mantra.

Our marriage lasted a long time but crumbled when some historic deceptions on his part came to light. On reflection l think it gave me the permission to end the relationship.

I know how hard it is to see clearly. However he cannot place your needs on an equal footing to yours. One day this will really really matter - when you desperately need his support and instead of getting it, he will double down and prioritise himself.

That time will definitely come because no-one gets through life without a few curve balls being thrown their way.

Your parents sound lovely - cherish them while you can.

Newestname002 · 19/02/2024 19:46

Martacus · 19/02/2024 08:59

@Notquitegrownup2 and@HeadacheEarthquake , please don't make the assumption i 'put my parents to work' for the whole weekend. There were jobs to do which they wanted to help with. I told them we could leave some of them for another time, and suggested that we go out and do other things, but my dad particularly was very keen to get everything done and it was very hard to stop him. I was helping with the jobs. We had some nice meals with them and I did take my mum out for a bit, at least.

I wonder if, after the awful way he behaved last time (and they must have been surprised and hurt by his behaviour) your parents thought they had to earn the visit to your home they helped you both finance by doing jobs around your house?

Your husband sounds not only controlling but ungrateful and selfish too. The more he gets his own way the worse he'll get - not great for you, especially if you went in to have children with him. 🌹

fleurneige · 19/02/2024 19:51

Thinking about another thread- how about your parents asking for the house deposit and extra to be given back, if they are not welcome at your house?

I'd say in those circumstances, it would be fair. And make sure he is written out of all inheritance- and that it passes straight to the children.

My parents lived a very long way away and always came for 2 weeks and DH was always wonderful to them.

Oscarlimadelta1 · 20/02/2024 00:42

I think people have been very nice to you OP. You need to take a long hard look at yourself. Is this the behavior you want any future children to model? Can you honestly say you this is the model of the relationship you would want a future daughter to have? A second class citizen in her relationship who is unable to advocate for herself? Is your husband the kind of man you want a future son to emulate? Will you be proud of to see him controlling a future wife or partner, knowing you stood idly by allowing him to be shaped by your husband? You deserve so much more and your parents also deserve better. I suspect they are devastated to see you in your position. I know I would be if you were my daughter. Isolated acts of kindness do not make a relationship.

Whatdirection · 20/02/2024 08:06

Just one more thing.

It took me a long time to learn that having a disagreement in a marriage wasn't about winners and losers, who was right and who was wrong.

Having a disagreement is an opportunity to find out more about your partner and what is important to them. However there must be a 'team' approach to this with both parties fully on board with truly listening to each other. If only one person has this approach and the other has a 'winner/loser' attitude then the relationship becomes abusive.

It seems to me that your husband wants to win at all costs and can't bear losing.

The question is does he have the capacity to reflect and to modify his approach?

Shitlord · 20/02/2024 08:51

If he just hated people staying that would be one thing but it isn't that. His parents can stay.

It really is controlling behaviour and it will get worse.

Don't get me wrong, the thought of my DP's mother coming doesn't fill me with joy (she likes to criticise me in a language I only partly understand. She does it with everyone. It isn't personal but at least to their faces as they understand her) arguing the toss over another night then, worst, cancelling behind your back is simple desperation for control knowing the length of their journey. He needs to have the final say even if it makes little real difference and means a lot to you.

If the work event has been a genuine issue he would have said so in the first instance.

What is your relationship like apart from visits? I'm not a 'family orientated' person. It isn't that but this is ground for ending the relationship for me. Does he act like this for other reasons or is it just stopping your family and friends from visiting? He may not like people staying and that's ok. Plenty don't but if his are allowed to he needs to accept some reciprocity without all of this shit. The fact he doesn't shows he really isn't worth the bother to me. What's actually good about him?

Zanina · 02/03/2024 21:45

You are definetly going to become his slave.

Your parents quite clearly did those jobs to try appease your husband in the hope that he'd be nice to you. Seems like you're still processing but not going to leave. You seem to argue with him to make him see sense but actually, all it does is give him opportunity to reinforce that he has the upper hand and you are to do as your told. Sorry to say but you will never love him as you will realise his intentions towards you were never of love to begin with.

iamnotgroot0 · 02/03/2024 23:11

My parents are about a 4 hour drive away and my wife never wants them here for more than a night, it’s often becomes an issue.

Original poster
Martacus · 03/03/2024 00:02

iamnotgroot0 · 02/03/2024 23:11

My parents are about a 4 hour drive away and my wife never wants them here for more than a night, it’s often becomes an issue.

Hi @iamnotgroot0 , what are your wife's reasons?

OP posts: