Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is this relationship doomed? 18 months in with Moroccan bf 17 years younger.

569 replies

Laura401 · 29/10/2023 22:27

So... left abusive relationship 2 years ago. Managing kids 50/50 with ex, and met a man when I went on holiday. Didn't really think about age or anything, began a friendship online afterwards and feelings intensified over several months. Despite initial attraction, i was reluctant due to being older. I'm 45 and he is 28. We met again, 3 times for a couple of weeks at a time - it was he most natrual and incredible experience - and we talk multiple times a day. We work together on projects, and in fact he has saved my bacon a number of times. All the classic red flags are non existent and we are, to all extents and purposes, a couple - a very happy, incredibly connected and in love couple (a feeling i though i would never again feel). My kids know about him, and are ok, not over the moon, but ok, and a few very close friends know as well. Now things have progressed to meeting families and spending as much time together as possible. I have never before met anyone quite like him and trust him implicitly. Before i hear all the comments about men from this country, Muslim men, age gap relationships etc, I want to add that i have no intention of marrying or being a green card. I just want to ask whether anyone else has found themselves in this situation and whether there was a happy ending? I'm in a total quandary about what I should do moving forwards. Is this just a road to nowhere? Am I kidding myself this could work out? Is this a love conquers all situation? I am not one for convention and don't care what people other than my kids and my loved ones think. That said, any advice from people who have found themselves in a similar situation would be massively appreciated. Ty

OP posts:
Thread gallery
5
capabilityfrowns · 30/10/2023 00:54

Oh and I have a really good friend here whose husband is 17 years her junior .

Sometimes these things work .

Original poster
Laura401 · 30/10/2023 00:59

The kids are safe and well - I work abroad and often for periods at a time. Some of this was in North Africa. My mum cares for them as well. The relationship was not physically abusive- but very controlling. The kids and I have a good relationship- they have said on a number of occasions how much happier they are now. I'm certainly not dumping them to go off 'shagging my toy boy' as you put it. Not everyone's lives are conventional. My children have spent time living abroad with me and my ex for work reasons so they are pretty cultured and have some understanding of the world. I'm making this point because it seems like you think I'm jetting off ok my jollies. They have been with me a couple of times but were introduced to my boyfriend as a friend. I have a lot of friends over there and they know this too.

OP posts:
IncompleteSenten · 30/10/2023 01:01

Friend of mine years back did a magazine bit (take a break / woman's own / that sort of thing ) about her ex

20 odd years younger. Total gentleman, paid for loads, met on holiday, took it slow, involved her with his family, refused money etc etc. Eventually she felt he'd proved himself to be genuine and they married and moved to the UK.

The second he got his citizenship he was off like a whippet with a rocket up his arse. Divorced her, married a woman his own age and had several kids and still lives with his family here to this day.

OTOH, I married someone from that same country three months after meeting him and we've been married 25 years now so 🤷

Original poster
Laura401 · 30/10/2023 01:01

UK based, sorry not to have clarified. Green card is a reference to getting citizenship or residency or whatever it is called here.

OP posts:
BetsyBobbins · 30/10/2023 01:01

SoapOperaFamily · 30/10/2023 00:52

Let me tell you about my dad. He met someone on holiday in an African country (not Morocco, but another place known for holiday romances.) They just enjoyed each other’s company, she didn’t want to live in Britain, she said. Cutting a long story short, whilst not being naive at all (so he said) my dad married her because she told him she was not able to visit him otherwise - not a romantic marriage, oh no.

As soon as she had her visa, she disappeared, had 2 babies with another man, and only reappeared years later just in time to play heartbroken wife when he was terminally ill. In a series of well-played moves, she managed to inherit 3 generations of wealth my dad was custodian of despite him intending to leave most of it to his children (but she was supposed to be left a house and an income, he had intended to provide for us all,) and is now running a massage parlour for men in her home country, having essentially already won the ‘pull an older silly foreigner’ game once and hoping to snag herself another silly foreigner. She is younger than me, she could still manage that. Her sister and male cousin have both also married much older holiday makers - it is a well-known career choice in their part of the world.

You think you are not being naive, but you are. You are being played. There is a well trodden progression down this path. He will declare he misses you but does not need marriage, just your company, but he cannot do that because of the distance, so will suggest marriage as a practicality. He will say he does not want children, but will have them with someone else anyway (not you, obviously!) He will say he is not interested in your money, but once you are married you will have no way at all of divorcing without it costing you (and he will probably treat you badly enough you want rid of him once you are married,) and eventually, unless you have got some cast iron financial walls up already (which my dad thought he had) he will take your children’s financial futures from them.

I speak from experience, but those who do not want to see if won’t see it. Your children will think you an idiot but are probably being polite because it’s a baffling situation to find their parent has brought home more than the average souvenir from their holiday (I know me and my siblings were baffled!) Here’s a curious thought to leave you with - have you ever come across a holiday romance involving a westerner and someone from a less well to do country where the westerner fell in love with a much older local? No? Why do you think that might be?

First, sorry about your dad and your whole family situation.

If your post doesn't show OP what is right in front of her (but she doesn't want to see), then I don't know what will.

GameOverBoys · 30/10/2023 01:09

Do you have an amazing connection because he just agrees with everything to say? Or do you have very low expectations due to previous abuse? I would really think about this relationship and ask friends and relatives their opinions.

DreamTheMoors · 30/10/2023 01:11

Your mind is obviously made up, @Laura401
So you’ve wasted five pages and many Mumsnetter’s time when you’re just gonna do exactly what you were going to do before you ever started this thread - which is to let your insecurities do your thinking for you.
Smart. Sooo smart.
But you’ll never be able to say that all these wise women didn’t warn you.

Original poster
Laura401 · 30/10/2023 01:19

Well, i appreciate everyone's comments, good and bad, and I am going to see how this plays out. I'm certainly not a fool, I do talk to friends about this - and the children will not be dragged into anything they are not comfortable with. If I met someone local, same age, whatever (yeah, look how that turned out for me!) then great but you know, whatever happens (and believe me, it will end the way I want it to), I am glad to have had this experience with someone who I rate as a good human being. Not everyone is out to get you. I have seen enough of the world to know that people from all walks of life can become friends and forge connections that last a lifetime.

OP posts:
Original poster
Laura401 · 30/10/2023 01:24

I'm not ignoring what people are saying, I am interested to hear. My mind isn't made up, hence the post. I'm just open to the idea that this is a genuine friendship - it isn't just a physical thing at all. Anyway, i wasn't trying to waste anyone's time. How am I meant to know who will comment and what they might add? Surely that is the whole purpose of this forum?

OP posts:
IncompleteSenten · 30/10/2023 01:26

We're on Mumsnet in the middle of the night.
I guarantee nobody's time is being wasted.

😁

coxesorangepippin · 30/10/2023 01:34

Well there you go then op, you have your answer

As you were

SoapOperaFamily · 30/10/2023 01:34

@Laura401 my dad thought he was living an (as you put it) unconventional life. He thought it was thrilling. He dashed around on a motorcycle with this young African lady, thinking himself to be wild and carefree and unconventional. He certainly did not think himself naive. I don’t quite know what he thought of things a few years later when he was reluctant husband to an absent wife who was living somewhere else with 3 different children by 4 different men and making him look stiupid (as well as the 2 kids she had after leaving him, she also brought her 2 older children who she’d had before meeting my dad but had left behind with her relatives.) I know what I thought of the whole thing. And putting it bluntly, my dad’s naivety and ignorance turned several years of my life into an absolute car crash, because this woman who did not want marriage, or children, or any of his money, basically swooped in when my dad was dying and took everything, even the photos of me as a baby which she had no need to do, and somehow disassembled my entire extended family’s business with her greed. She wore a sequinned ball gown to his funeral and she and her brood of children demanded half of the 10 places his covid times funeral permitted, meaning his cousins and others who had been close family for many decades were not able to attend, and then she moved into his house and changed the locks next day, and I never set foot in my dad’s house again.

Back at the start of it all, my dad would never have believed it would come to this, as it was just a casual relationship, a bit of fun, and wanted nothing more than his company and he was not naive. He knew he was not naive, because he told us this fact so many times, in much the same way you are protesting you are not naive too.

Do what you want with your love life, I don’t know you, I am just a stranger on the internet. But don’t let your blindness to your situation fuck your children up.

Pinkbonbon · 30/10/2023 01:35

Realistically he could be a lovely bloke built he lives in a different country and you don't want to marry him so...how so you expect the relationship to go anywhere? If its fine the way it is, enjoy it until it's not. But he may wish to marry and have kiss of his own one day. Also, if you did decide to marry him, he'd probably expect you to convert religion. Do you believe in his god? If not...it would be an insult to his faith to convert. There are things you have to think about going forwards.

Original poster
Laura401 · 30/10/2023 01:38

Sorry just saw this. I was working abroad and saw him then. Only contact is in his country. Children didn't know about him for over 13 months. They also don't know the extent of our relationship, as I'm not going to do anything unless I'm sure and they are OK with it. Eldest is at uni, and has their own life, the younger two are very tied up in their own lives. Believe it or not despite the situation my ex and I are working together to keep things as normal as possible. My relationship has been on the down low, and it is only after 18 months that i have thought more about where it is going, whether I want a future with him. I have a lot of questions in my mind but whatever anyone thinks I do think we have a genuine connection. What I do about that is what I am puzzling over.

OP posts:
Whattodo112222 · 30/10/2023 01:44

I think you're looking for the justification and validation from mumsnet because you know deep down there are red flags aplenty.

It's all very well refusing payment and sending you back money at the start, but I believe its a ploy and setting the groundwork for when he'll start asking you for thousands of pounds.

With kindness, I think you're delusional. You haven't even given yourself time to heal from the trauma of an abusive relationship. You're masking the injury with a new plaster.

I would sincerely put your kids first like you keep saying. He's not the one for you.

CynicalOne · 30/10/2023 01:46

Laura401 · 29/10/2023 22:51

So they say. I'm interested as to whether these old fools end up happy or not

A very dear relative of mine met a man who was over in the UK studying. They were married for ~50 years, give or take. She was 21 years older than him. They “split” up when she died of old age! So yes, it can have a happy ending. Sometimes.

Original poster
Laura401 · 30/10/2023 01:47

I'm truly sorry for what you went through, and losing your dad too. She sounds like an awful human being. I would never jeopardise my children's financial future. Marriage would never be an option for me and if that was the reason he walked away then I would know that it was all a ruse. I do reiterate that not everyone is out to get people. I'm going to enjoy myself, discreetly until I have decided what to do. I appreciate your candour though @SoapOperaFamily .

OP posts:
StartupRepair · 30/10/2023 01:50

As he has won your trust by refusing payment for work, the next step will be a sudden financial/family/health disaster where he needs your urgent help.
Please do not give him anything more than you or your DC can afford to lose.

therealcookiemonster · 30/10/2023 01:51

@Laura401 have you watched the tinder swindler?

Original poster
Laura401 · 30/10/2023 01:54

I did, yes.

OP posts:
Original poster
Laura401 · 30/10/2023 01:54

I reiterate, I won't be parting with any money.

OP posts:
SoapOperaFamily · 30/10/2023 01:55

Well, good luck with it all. Just make sure you have got solid legal advice in place before any marriage. My dad had a prenup, which turned out not to be worth the paper it was written on. His will was similarly useless, as was his declaration of next of kin, which became important when he grew old and ill and needed someone to advocate for him. He was desperately ill but because he was legally married only his wife was allowed to take important decisions when he was incapacitated, despite her having returned to her home country at this point. She only returned when it looked like he was definitely going to die and there would be something in it for her.

SoapOperaFamily · 30/10/2023 01:56

Laura401 · 30/10/2023 01:54

I reiterate, I won't be parting with any money.

Ah yes, that’s what my dad said at the start too. He was so blind.

RantyAnty · 30/10/2023 01:59

You said, "I did pay him the going rate. But sometimes he just won't accept it."

So has he accepted money at any time? Is the going rate a UK wage or Moroccan wage?

Be honest, how much money have you paid him.

Firefly1987 · 30/10/2023 02:04

@SoapOperaFamily gosh I'm so sorry your dad and family went through all that and I hope the woman in question gets her karma in spades, what an absolutely evil person! That was such a heart-breaking read. These people just have no conscience at all do they, I can't even fathom it.

I'm actually worried about similar happening to my brother-but I've yet to see how that pans out. Something about deciding he's getting old and suddenly wants a wife and kids (great how men can do that in their late 40s huh?) despite the fact he has zero prospects and nothing to offer anyone.

I also said "green card" when I questioned his situation despite us being British-but I do tend to watch a lot of America TV shows and use a lot of Americanisms! It's not like people won't know what you mean surely🙄

OP there is absolutely nothing in this for the man in question if the relationship is actually as you say, sorry. Major red flags that all is not what it seems.

Swipe left for the next trending thread