Is this relationship doomed? 18 months in with Moroccan bf 17 years younger.

[Laura401]

So... left abusive relationship 2 years ago. Managing kids 50/50 with ex, and met a man when I went on holiday. Didn't really think about age or anything, began a friendship online afterwards and feelings intensified over several months. Despite initial attraction, i was reluctant due to being older. I'm 45 and he is 28. We met again, 3 times for a couple of weeks at a time - it was he most natrual and incredible experience - and we talk multiple times a day. We work together on projects, and in fact he has saved my bacon a number of times. All the classic red flags are non existent and we are, to all extents and purposes, a couple - a very happy, incredibly connected and in love couple (a feeling i though i would never again feel). My kids know about him, and are ok, not over the moon, but ok, and a few very close friends know as well. Now things have progressed to meeting families and spending as much time together as possible. I have never before met anyone quite like him and trust him implicitly. Before i hear all the comments about men from this country, Muslim men, age gap relationships etc, I want to add that i have no intention of marrying or being a green card. I just want to ask whether anyone else has found themselves in this situation and whether there was a happy ending? I'm in a total quandary about what I should do moving forwards. Is this just a road to nowhere? Am I kidding myself this could work out? Is this a love conquers all situation? I am not one for convention and don't care what people other than my kids and my loved ones think. That said, any advice from people who have found themselves in a similar situation would be massively appreciated. Ty

I am married to my holiday romance. We got together 23 years ago. So sometimes it can work. However, as a pp says, him introducing you to his family means nothing - sadly sometimes the families are in on it. Westerners really are seen as prey a lot of the time - as they come through the airport on holiday it's literally like lambs to the slaughter sadly.

Of course it's doomed OP 🤦🏼‍♀️ don't be so bloody foolish. How many times are women going to keep falling for this scam?! Christ above give your head a massive shake and stop being a pawn for some creeps visa

I am glad that you are happy after an abusive relationship but if you were my friend I would be worried about you.

Did you complete the Freedom Programme or access any other professional support after leaving your abusive ex?

You're right. This is the sticking point. I travel a lot for my work and have the ability to visit there often. We have had some great holidays there together. I think in a way this will work its self out. It won't be with marriage though. I don't think he's got another wife. I do think he's in love with me-but I am a realist too. It's just being able.to walk away from.something that at least now feels amazing.

I agree with this. Sorry, OP. I'm sure you're delightful, but I think you're deluding yourself.

An American visa?

Sounds legit.

Not.

You think it will “work itself out”? How, just how?

So what’s in it for him and why would a 28yo man from a patriarchal society be satisfied to commit fully with an older woman who lives in a different country who won’t have kids with him or marry him? Why in fact would anyone want this? You’re vulnerable on the rebound from an abusive relationship and he is playing a long con. Probably speaking to multiple western women looking to see who comes good with visa or money.

Thats what I thought. The OP says some strange things.

All the best OP, I hope things work out for you.

Even if this is all completely legit (which I doubt) he's going to be under enormous family and societal pressure to settle down and have kids. So, even if you aren't a meal ticket for him and his extended family (which I doubt!), I think you're going to get hurt.

It's a permanent resident card in the US immigration system, similar to 'indefinite leave to remain' in the UK. One way to qualify is as the spouse of a US citizen. The phrase seems to have crossed into everyday language to describe anyone immigrating via a relationship with a citizen in countries other than the US. There was a film in the 90s called Green Card which probably helped.

You haven’t answered this so I presume the answer is ‘not a lot’.

A fun fling is fine, but he isn’t in love with you and neither are you with him. You don’t know each other. You are in the first flush of a relationship - it’s all hormones and chemicals messing with your brain.

You’ve dived into this very fast and off the back of an abusive relationship, so I think you are more susceptible than most to not reading the runes.

Your first duty is to yourself and your kids. If you can treat him like casual fling - fine. If you can’t then messing with your own head and your kids stability is poor, so knock it off if so.

Surely it's a very well known term which the OP has adopted as slang for a spouse visa in whatever country she's in. People on MN are so hung up about non-British vernacular, and so keen to either pretend they don't know what it means, or act like they've got the OP in some kind of 'gotcha' situation for daring to be from somewhere else.

He's just 9 years older than your oldest DC and he's 28. He'll eventually want to get married and have his own DC, two things which are off the table as far as you are concerned, so I'd say, no, it won't last.

Enjoy it for what it is, while you can though!

You are American????

💯 he is looking for your green card baby...

This might be real for you. But you nothing but a golden goose to him.

Cut him off and get some therapy.

I already knew it was doomed as I read the title

OK... let's assume he is a lovely man who genuinely loves you. but he is a fairly young man and men and women from this culture inevitably want kids. even if they are not religious. it's incredibly rare for them not to and eventually his family will convince him to get married and have babies. and tbh why should he settle for a relationship where he can't live with you, marry you or have children?

My friend married a Jamican wo was 25 to her 43 years. She spent 100k on him and holidays going out there, she got her white wedding to which none of her children went to and a nice photo in the sea of them both. Now the relationship has deteriorated she just stalks him on Instagram seeing who else he is scamming

He will want to get married and have kids. It might not be a deal breaker right now but it will be. If he’s even legit, which I doubt. Sorry but he’s playing the long con to get a visa. Probably doing the same with several others as well, planning to marry whoever agrees to it first.

Your ‘crazy connection’ is mirroring your abusive relationship

YOU KNOW THIS

this is a disaster waiting to happen. Sorry, but you ARE naive, but don’t be a fool

i am Lol-ing at the fact that you said a Muslim man ‘saved your bacon’ tho. That’s proper funny

this relationship won’t work, you’re not ready for a normal relationship and this has literally no sign whatsoever of being a normal (non-abusive) relationship

he’s playing a game, you’re going to lose yourself at the very least.

end it and please get some therapy to protect yourself from future abusive relationships

Unfortunately you most definitely are naive and foolish, no matter how much you protest you aren't. And you also are not putting your children first despite claiming you are.

You say you've spent weeks with him in his country. Who is looking after your kids while you disappear every few months to go shag your toyboy? Or are you leaving it to your 19 year old to parent their younger siblings?

You jumped straight out of an abusive relationship into this one. You didn't take the time to focus on yourself and your kids. The 4 of you need to heal from the trauma of domestic violence. You owe it to your children to be putting them first right now, not ditching them for a scam artist.

@Lorelaigilmore88 it is very brave of you to relate your experience as a warning to the OP. Unfortunately I don’t think she will take any notice of you or anyone else on the thread. There truly is one born every minute.

Ha!