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Original poster

Is this relationship doomed? 18 months in with Moroccan bf 17 years younger.

569 replies

Laura401 · 29/10/2023 22:27

So... left abusive relationship 2 years ago. Managing kids 50/50 with ex, and met a man when I went on holiday. Didn't really think about age or anything, began a friendship online afterwards and feelings intensified over several months. Despite initial attraction, i was reluctant due to being older. I'm 45 and he is 28. We met again, 3 times for a couple of weeks at a time - it was he most natrual and incredible experience - and we talk multiple times a day. We work together on projects, and in fact he has saved my bacon a number of times. All the classic red flags are non existent and we are, to all extents and purposes, a couple - a very happy, incredibly connected and in love couple (a feeling i though i would never again feel). My kids know about him, and are ok, not over the moon, but ok, and a few very close friends know as well. Now things have progressed to meeting families and spending as much time together as possible. I have never before met anyone quite like him and trust him implicitly. Before i hear all the comments about men from this country, Muslim men, age gap relationships etc, I want to add that i have no intention of marrying or being a green card. I just want to ask whether anyone else has found themselves in this situation and whether there was a happy ending? I'm in a total quandary about what I should do moving forwards. Is this just a road to nowhere? Am I kidding myself this could work out? Is this a love conquers all situation? I am not one for convention and don't care what people other than my kids and my loved ones think. That said, any advice from people who have found themselves in a similar situation would be massively appreciated. Ty

OP posts:
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Original poster
Laura401 · 29/10/2023 22:46

I have been very clear about not wanting marriage I also have said the kids are my priority. He treats me incredibly well - like I said, it seems to work. It is just a situation I NEVER thought I would end up in. But thanks for the positivity.

OP posts:
NotSuchASmugMarried · 29/10/2023 22:47

What work is he doing? Sometimes he takes payment and sometimes he doesn't? That just sounds odd. I'm really intrigued as to what work he is doing. Also, how did he "save your bacon" (whatever on earth that means)

TheOwlChronicles · 29/10/2023 22:47

Oh come on OP! There's no fool like an old fool eh

Original poster
Laura401 · 29/10/2023 22:47

He runs a business hub, but is also a graphic designer

OP posts:
Kendodd · 29/10/2023 22:47

NotSuchASmugMarried · 29/10/2023 22:47

What work is he doing? Sometimes he takes payment and sometimes he doesn't? That just sounds odd. I'm really intrigued as to what work he is doing. Also, how did he "save your bacon" (whatever on earth that means)

Me too?

NotSuchASmugMarried · 29/10/2023 22:48

Laura401 · 29/10/2023 22:47

He runs a business hub, but is also a graphic designer

OK. But what work did he do for you?

Original poster
Laura401 · 29/10/2023 22:49

He refused payment and I didn't feel comfortable with this so I sub contracted officially so ge could get paid. He still offers to do work for free though.

OP posts:
TheOwlChronicles · 29/10/2023 22:49

How old are your children? You're only 2 years out of an abusive relationship and now they've got this to deal with.

The red flags couldn't be clearer

Kendodd · 29/10/2023 22:50

When you talk about a possible future together, what do you mean? One of you moving to be together?

Original poster
Laura401 · 29/10/2023 22:50

Graphic design work. For a project I was working on and had fallen behind on a deadline.

OP posts:
RoseBucket · 29/10/2023 22:50

It does sound all very 90 day Fiancé but as long as your eyes are wide open… you deserve to be happy after leaving an abusive relationship, but where you met does have a reputation of finding a older woman, love bomb them until money/marriage is gained. Just be on your guard.

JFT · 29/10/2023 22:50

If you're not getting married and not getting involved in any dynamics that could cause resentments or difficulties, then just play it by ear and see how it goes over time?

That's my suggestion.

Obviously he's at an age where he may very well wish to come to the UK in the hope of work or better life (although IMO that's a moot point) or even just to be with you and it won't be until further down the line where this could become awkward. Also it won't be until further down the line if he's playing you, it would be revealed. So, let it unfold and see what happens but don't do anything rash.

Original poster
Laura401 · 29/10/2023 22:51

So they say. I'm interested as to whether these old fools end up happy or not

OP posts:
Totalwasteofpaper · 29/10/2023 22:51

Honestly yes from what you have written it's very likely doomed.
It reads as a long con particularly the doing stuff and not accepting cash

But it's clear that's not what you want to hear and it's difficult when you are already on deep.

I would make it clear marriage is not on the table. At all. Ever.

TheOwlChronicles · 29/10/2023 22:52

@Laura401 they don't and I doubt you'll be the exception. Read take a break or something!

I don't want to be harsh but you're being foolish

Original poster
Laura401 · 29/10/2023 22:53

That is essentially what I am doing. Sometimes you go over things in your own head and think of only your perspective so that is why I posted on here. To give myself a bit of clarity

OP posts:
PTSDBarbiegirl · 29/10/2023 22:54

Sorry OP but I believe that in the midst of traumatic relationships we chase attachment and security to feel safe. You did not have that. You have possibly projected your attachment or post traumatic needs onto this idea of a relationship. Red flags abound. Seriously think about what you are doing, what do your loved ones feel, what about your DC. These men are very, very, very convincing and will demonstrate their worthiness for a long time 'for free' before milking you dry. Did you tell him you'd been in a abusive relationship? If so you're a magnet to abusers looking for easy prey. Be careful, spend your money on therapy instead.

Abergale · 29/10/2023 22:55

Also, I normally think it’s over the top when mumsnetters basically imply you should be celibate following seperation until kids are grown but:

you say you put your kids first, several times. Yet within six months of leaving an abusive relationship you find a new boyfriend that they don’t like? either you have disappeared 4x in a 18 months on long holidays without them OR your new boyfriend is staying with them for weeks whilst they adjust to 50:50 contact with a dad and making sense of the seperation must be horribly unsettling. That doesn’t sound like putting your kids first to me.

Lorelaigilmore88 · 29/10/2023 22:56

I married my holiday romance from Northern Africa. It will not end well.
You are significantly older than him. You might not think its an issue now but it will be. He's 28, he will want to get married and have children. He may already have a wife you don't know about. Meeting his family and friends means nothing, trust me absolutely nothing. Apart from the fact men can marry more than one woman in Marrakech, a lot of the time they just don't care.
Are you planning to go back and visit him?
You say you arent naive but I imagine he's quite good looking. Ask yourself, would you feel this 'crazy connection' with a guy who was 65 and looked like the back of a bus? Highly doubt it.
He will initially pay for everything, that will change. He will say he never wants to come to England, that will change. The pride they put on is manufactured.
I don't want to sound harsh but I know more about this than I can put here.

Original poster
Laura401 · 29/10/2023 22:57

I have made that very clear. Interestingly, I am ok with the long distance thing. Only visiting him there I said to him, if you get yourself over here, that is different but it won't be me that facilitates that.
As I said, I'm not naieve, but I'm watching this unfold, and trying to have some distance but he is such a good support to me, I won't go on about all the good.points - and believe me we do have disagreements as well. But he is a good person. I don't think he's playing me - there would be far easier ways to get a green card than with someone like me

OP posts:
FallingStar21 · 29/10/2023 22:59

Sounds like he's done all the right moves to win you over, OP. That may be because he's genuinely a lovely, kind chap and totally in love with you. I hope that is the case. However, the age gap is big, why is he not meeting women his age?
In my personal experience, men don't tend to go for older women, certainly not this much older. I would be very weary for that reason, plus the fact he's Moroccan - this may be a big life changer, the potential to come live in the UK. And you're saying you are "not interested in marriage", but when your relationship grows and you want to be together, it'll probably turn out that you have to marry him so that he can live in this country. Unless you want an endless long distance relationship or consider moving to his country.

Original poster
Laura401 · 29/10/2023 23:01

Kids are.15, 17 and 19

OP posts:
Saggypants · 29/10/2023 23:02

You say there's no red flags but:

  • you were on the rebound
  • you have little in common in terms of stage in life, culture
  • most of your 'relationship' has been carried out online, just the occasional intense burst of in person contact where you don't get to see each other as you are in everyday life
  • your kids aren't happy

On paper it doesn't sound great TBH.

NotSuchASmugMarried · 29/10/2023 23:02

What's a green card?

AlohaRose · 29/10/2023 23:03

So, where is the future of this relationship? He is there, you are here and you are very clear that you will not marry him or allow him to use you for access to a Visa to this country. So presumably you are going to continue with this long-distance thing, seeing each other a couple of times a year? Is that really all you want for yourself for the rest of your life? Realistically, is that what he’s going to be happy with for the next 30 years?!

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