Is this relationship doomed? 18 months in with Moroccan bf 17 years younger.

[Laura401]

So... left abusive relationship 2 years ago. Managing kids 50/50 with ex, and met a man when I went on holiday. Didn't really think about age or anything, began a friendship online afterwards and feelings intensified over several months. Despite initial attraction, i was reluctant due to being older. I'm 45 and he is 28. We met again, 3 times for a couple of weeks at a time - it was he most natrual and incredible experience - and we talk multiple times a day. We work together on projects, and in fact he has saved my bacon a number of times. All the classic red flags are non existent and we are, to all extents and purposes, a couple - a very happy, incredibly connected and in love couple (a feeling i though i would never again feel). My kids know about him, and are ok, not over the moon, but ok, and a few very close friends know as well. Now things have progressed to meeting families and spending as much time together as possible. I have never before met anyone quite like him and trust him implicitly. Before i hear all the comments about men from this country, Muslim men, age gap relationships etc, I want to add that i have no intention of marrying or being a green card. I just want to ask whether anyone else has found themselves in this situation and whether there was a happy ending? I'm in a total quandary about what I should do moving forwards. Is this just a road to nowhere? Am I kidding myself this could work out? Is this a love conquers all situation? I am not one for convention and don't care what people other than my kids and my loved ones think. That said, any advice from people who have found themselves in a similar situation would be massively appreciated. Ty

Doesn’t sound like it’s going anywhere tbh
he can’t come live here - and you aren’t living with him so everything seems so much more romantic and exciting and all about this crazy connection, it’s all intensified as it’s a long distance relationship with I can imagine lots of phone calls and video chats
your not going to up sticks and take the kids to morroco unless you sign over custody to their dad
so where does this leave you ? Nowhere really unless you are both rich enough to fly in and out the country to meet on a regular basis
you was in an abusive relationship, so you have taken to somebody who is kind and sweet, without really thinking it through for what the emotional repercussions may be if things don’t go well
I was in a similar position with a guy I met in Cuba, but realised soon after it was pointless and not a real relationship . I didn’t want to do things on my own , never get to have sex, missed going out for dinner with a partner ? Cosying up in the evenings, looking at things in the shops together
I would call it quits and leave myself available for someone who is available
chances are this crazy Connection you feel you have wouldn’t be as intense if he was to come and live in the uk with you and two children from a previous relationship and where you saw each other more regularly
even bigger chance is that he will meet someone from his own country, and you will be heartbroken, there is only so long some men can go without sex and affection despite what they say .

I often see this phrase “his god”, but are you aware that the God of Judaism, is the same God of Christianity, which is the same God as Muslims? Are you aware that Allah is the Arabic word for God and as such, is used in Christian services in Arab countries as well as Muslim ones?

Those 3 monotheistic religions all stem from Abraham! They are intertwined. So please, don’t say “his god”, because if you believe in the Christian or Jewish God, you believe in “his god”.

“They also don't know the extent of our relationship, as I'm not going to do anything unless I'm sure and they are OK with it.”

Well, this is certainly very different from your original post, about not wanting marriage or being used for a visa!

It seems like you might want more!

You seem a bit all over the place with your thoughts, wishes and wants.

I don’t think you should do anything right now, and certainly not until your children have all finished their education, be that secondary, or if they want to go to university, tertiary.

I am very well preserved for my age, nice and still quite attractive. I do not believe though a man 17 years younger than me would be likely to fall madly in love with me rather than a woman from his own culture of similar age or younger. I think he might well find my citizenship, savings, house and income very attractive indeed though.

I think if you just kept this as a fun holiday thing it might be all right but you seem to have convinced yourself you are in love with this person and that they are in love with you. I think it is very likely he will want children and at 45 you can't do this and why would you want to re-enter the child rearing trenches again anyway. Also, you don't really know him - you see the best part of him presented to you. For all you know he has a string of women to maximise his chances or even a current wife. I think you run the risk of having your feelings really badly hurt. Mooning over this man also stops you finding somebody nice and local who you could have a good long term relationship with.

If you ignore all of us, and I think you will, please at least don't marry him or send him money (other than for the contracting work).

You said there is no red flags - there is a UK length bunting or red flags here.

You came on here to see other peoples opinions because you are 'not naive' but every single reply you've got an answer for and glossing over everything.
I would bet everything I own, on him seeing a golden ticket and playing the long game.

Is that you Deirdre?

I think people are really beating you over the head OP, treating you like an idiot. Also you’re 47 not 87! I’m glad you found a connection, even if long-term prospects aren’t great tbh, because of distance. Perhaps this aspect is the “reality check”.

As you have a 19-year-old, would you be happy with this set up for them) as the man in this relationship)?

If you don't want anything long term (is that really true?) and you love him, are you not being unfair to him?

Like others I don't get what is in this for him if you never want to live together.

And that makes me suspicious. It sounds like he is educated and quite successful so has quite a lot going for him.I can't imagine I'd be delighted if my son in this position picked an older woman from a different country who didn't really want to build a life with him.

OK, @Laura401. One of the happiest couples I know is an English woman with a (few years) younger Moroccan husband. They've been married for going on 20 years - they live in England - and are still besotted. She's very knowledgeable about Moroccan culture; they spend some months there every year.

Another friend of mine also fell totally in love with a Moroccan, but that didn't go so well. He was a full-on desert Bedouin and, while their feelings for one another were never in any doubt, he couldn't make the transition to modern Western culture. He'd never used cutlery or a bathroom. It was really sad, but she didn't want to go and live his old life and it was just too horrible for them both when he was so out of his depth with everything in her life.

Oh dear, sorry OP but I'm cringing for you. You have a wonderful connection from your pov but just imagine what he must say about you to his friends and family behind your back.

A friend of mine at school was the child in this situation. Mum was a very boho free spirit type. Her marriage had been abusive and the kids had witnessed it, the mum went in a holiday to Africa and the next thing they knew they had a new stepdad. He was nearer to their age than hers. Once his citizenship was granted he disappeared to London. She couldn’t find him to get a divorce either. Be very careful.

The lies we tell ourselves.

Forty years ago a friend aged 40 married a chap from overseas who was 14 years her junior - she had teenaged children. They had a very happy marriage and family life for 40 years until she recently died. They had no children together as she'd had an hysterectomy before she met him.

However she did meet him here in the UK.

These relationships start off as very exploitative - here you are, old, rich, exploiting his body and free labour. And here we all are pointing out your actual naivety despite what you say. I don't know why people bother. Who is exploiting who, really? He probably deserves a visa for all his efforts and you certainly don't deserve any sympathy further down the line.

As another poster said, you never meet anyone who went on holiday to a poor country and came back with an older girl/boyfriend do you? Funny that.

Hope your poor kids weren't expecting to inherit anything at some point in the future. Couldn't you at least try? Childhood with a controlling father now this. What a mess.

It can work as some of the posts here indicate. Good friend of mine met her Moroccan husband while they were both overseas. I think there's a 15 year age gap.
They have had problems...sometimes age/culture related but have been together nearly 15 years and living happily in New Zealand renovating their house and learning woodwork together.
In your case, just take every day as it comes, it may work or you may find distance / culture/ age become too much of an issue. Be prepared for a nightmare of a (very expensive) journey if you decide to live in the UK together, get good immigration advice and be prepared for all the expenses involved (minimum salary requirements, cost of health insurance - just gone up) etc.

Hey Op,

‘My kids know about him, and are ok, not over the moon, but ok, and a few very close friends know as well. ‘

I’m confused because in your initial post post, you said this. However, now you’re sort of changing the story and saying it’s not physical and he’s a friend and they don’t know the extent of this. Maybe I’m interpreting it wrong.

If you just mentioned some work friend to them which you see sometimes when abroad working and that you’ve built a friendship, then they’d not care ( I assume). They’d just see him as some work friend of yours or something. It’d almost be unworthy of hardly mentioning- I mean I don’t think nearly adult children care about what friends parents make when abroad for a short while. Hope that makes sense.

However, from reading the quote above, it says to me that actually you have told them more than you’re now saying you have and that they aren’t happy with it. That they’ve been told this is romantic etc. They sound like nice children who have smiled and nodded reluctantly.

Look, I don’t want to judge you I really don’t. Just please make-sure you’re being true to yourself. You know deep
down your loved ones are anxious about this. That’s how it reads to me anyway.

I do also appreciate your children are adults or nearly adults and soon will be off living their own life. Why should you be left behind having dismissed any joy for yourself? I get that I do. I just feel like holiday romances don’t reveal one’s identity properly. It’s not real life ( day to day tasks, challenges, confrontations) etc. You deserve happiness absolutely but it’s whether this is the person to bring that joy for you, long term.

You’d need to see him for him- flaws and all before anything serious. But this isn’t possible really because you don’t want to move there I assume and he can’t come here as you also don’t want to marry him.

If you’re happy with some spark flying excitement every few months and nothing more, nothing less and you’re happy living alone now/ nothing hugely serious…then I guess what’s the harm? However, is this realistic I guess? Are you happy with that? Maybe you are. Or are you wanting someone to cuddle up with on a Sunday morning with a brew- someone to share life with? I don’t know you so I’m not sure.

You may truly not care if this goes south but this post asking for help screams otherwise to me.

Just be careful, be on the ball. You clearly have intelligence as you seem to have a good job etc. so use this wisely and make sure you don’t cave and agree to anything. If you sense this being suggested, you need to take appropriate action to protect yourself

I would 100% invest in some food therapy too btw to heal from trauma.

I really do wish you all the best and be careful x

What’s the end goal there OP? Are you happy to continue long distance without an end in sight? What about what he wants?

Moroccan men usually don't date older women who can't have children with unless you are foreign from a richer country, he will marry you, move to the UK and then split with you so he can marry a younger girl ( from his own culture) and have children.

You are just his opportunity to move to the UK.

18 months in and you've not paid for things? He's a graphic designer? Sounds like he's financially ok by himself and not after your money. It would be different if he was a waiter or a tour guide but some people in Morocco do have good jobs and are well off whether people believe it or not 😆
OP I'm not sure what your happy ending would look like - bringing him here is a non starter - don't even go there. Do you want to live there in future when your kids are grown up? It's an option! Just don't get married. Keep yourself totally financially independent and enjoy it for what it is.

Pragmatic drilling of facts:

Your salary
Your Assets
Your qualifications

His salary
His Assets
His qualifications

Does his personal economic situation stack up?

I predict, he'll have a little financial crisis in a month or three - that work you did for free, the favour will be called, then another one. Say no to the first request. That is the test.

Comfort and feeling wanted are important. You are also a mother and your children must come first financially and emotionally.

Meanwhile, you need to give yourself a talking to.

OP don't be that stereotypical older woman younger foreign man statistic that everyone laughs at .
You are not a compatible match and I'm sure deep down you know it . If you had genuine feelings for this man you would know that you are not the right person for him and leave him to find a young lady to marry and have kids with .

For your children's sake don't lurch from wrongun to wrongun , take time out , heal , and then when you're ready to start dating do it responsibly.

17 years is a big gap to me. My fella is 7 years younger than me. Enjoy the adventure with your foreign friend. I get that when you have been through a lot of stress, its easy to convince your self other wise. Maybe you should ask him about his future plans see what he says, and try to actually listen to him.

There's a reason this kind of scam is so common. It's not because people are stupid, it's because love and sex are incredibly powerful.

OP, every person who ever got scammed felt the way you do. Thought there was an incredible connection, looked at the (incredibly mundane and common) set of circumstances that brought it about as a working of fate, were definitely not naive etc etc. Do you see now how they got done anyway? They felt exactly as you do.

Kids are.15, 17 and 19

My DC are these ages. They are children. Sorry, but you need to get a grip. You are messing round with their stability big time.

You are a big fish to be landed and this chap has you on a long line and you are being reeled in very slowly. Western, lonely men and women are scammed like this all the time. Lonely men talk to young women in far off places, and they feel loved and cared for. The women want nothing off them, then a couple of years later, when the man is hooked and besotted, BAM, they go in for the kill. If you think about it, getting just £50K off someone can be like 10 years pay to some of these people. I know a place in the Far East where you can buy a 5-bed villa for £15K. Their families are in on it too.

This man may have feelings for you, but he may also have a long term goal. Spending 2 or 3 years on you, getting a UK Visa, divorcing you and getting £££ (your DC's money), will be time well spent if he can then go buy himself a house outright, and make sure his parents and siblings are OK.

It's just a western white womans feelings, and they don't care.

Have some self respect OP, and more importantly, you need to stop this before your DC have a mum whose been scammed by some dodgy younger bloke from overseas.

https://freedomprogramme.co.uk/sample-online/home.php

Do the freedom programme online and see how you feel afterwards. You went from one abusive relationship to a potentially romance scam relationship in a very short space of time. You need time away from him without any contact to actually analyse what's happening.

Have you considered that he didn't accept payment so that you are now indebted to him? You now 'owe him' & he might collect that payment in the for of a marriage and UK passport?