Is this relationship doomed? 18 months in with Moroccan bf 17 years younger.

[Laura401]

So... left abusive relationship 2 years ago. Managing kids 50/50 with ex, and met a man when I went on holiday. Didn't really think about age or anything, began a friendship online afterwards and feelings intensified over several months. Despite initial attraction, i was reluctant due to being older. I'm 45 and he is 28. We met again, 3 times for a couple of weeks at a time - it was he most natrual and incredible experience - and we talk multiple times a day. We work together on projects, and in fact he has saved my bacon a number of times. All the classic red flags are non existent and we are, to all extents and purposes, a couple - a very happy, incredibly connected and in love couple (a feeling i though i would never again feel). My kids know about him, and are ok, not over the moon, but ok, and a few very close friends know as well. Now things have progressed to meeting families and spending as much time together as possible. I have never before met anyone quite like him and trust him implicitly. Before i hear all the comments about men from this country, Muslim men, age gap relationships etc, I want to add that i have no intention of marrying or being a green card. I just want to ask whether anyone else has found themselves in this situation and whether there was a happy ending? I'm in a total quandary about what I should do moving forwards. Is this just a road to nowhere? Am I kidding myself this could work out? Is this a love conquers all situation? I am not one for convention and don't care what people other than my kids and my loved ones think. That said, any advice from people who have found themselves in a similar situation would be massively appreciated. Ty

On one hand you say there is no way you will marry him or help him to get a visa and then you say you are seeing where this relationship may lead to. What does that mean? It sounds like you really want to be with him. Staying with his family seems a big deal to you and it's making you feel like he is getting even more serious about you. But as others have said families can be in on a scam. You say he has a good job and his family are relatively well off but how would you know what his family have? I doubt anyone in the UK would know what the financial situation of their in-laws is. Has he just told you this to make you feel better about things. Oh they have money they don't need mine. Have you seen his place of work, picked him up from the office? Does he work from home all the time? All of this could be true and we wouldn't be such a Miss Marple at home but you MUST be realistic and check all this out. I do think you are considering more than a fling by what you say and clearly he senses this. It's easy to say a throw away line of I don't want children if I can't have them with you. I think he is drawing you in like a fish on a hook. I don't think you will take the advice of any of us on here. You seem to think this is different. He isn't a barman or a waiter on the beach. He is educated, has a good job, his family have money, they won't scam me. I am special as he has invited me to stay with his family.

You may look great for your age but you are 45 and he is 28. I do believe as many have said that the culture is one of having a family which you cannot provide.

I would be very very wary

Why start a thread questioning whether the relationship is doomed and then do the exact opposite to what people have advised you to do?

Honestly and I’ve seen it with my own eyes I would end this my opinion. A woman I knew met a guy on holiday she was around 14 years older also single parent to two kids. Now this is harsh but it’s what we said to her she’s in her 40s single with kids he’s in his late 20s but super interested ! Didn’t buy it for one minute. He played the game well the long game made her feel like she was the most important thing in the world ! Finally got married and he again played the long game got over here got himself set up started banking. Then 4 years later left her he had saved a fortune was a British citizen and his new girlfriend is his age. Not one of us bought it from day one and sadly were all right.

you’ve no idea what they’d do to live here and the desperation ! What you think is love is great acting. If I’m wrong fair enough but I think deep down you know it too.

I wish you well but I think you’ve had a hard time and are feeling flattered by all this. Sit down and really really put thought into it. I wish you well. But I believe he has an end goal and time will show that.

Tale as old as time, and yet women keep falling for it, believing it's true love. There was even a documentary a few years ago about these cliché relationships called "My Mohammed is Different". At least the repulsive old men who find young wives in Thailand or other poorer countries understand the transactional nature of the relationship.

A friend of mine did exactly the same, only brought this much younger man to the UK, married him and everyone was up in arms with comments. 18 yrs later they are still in love still together. You can ask questions and read answers forever but as you said you’re not an idiot. Go with your heart… protect yourself financially is a given but you can’t regret things you didn’t do because they are actually “what if’s”.

Calm down! There's no blaming, just reminding the OP, who appears to think she is too clever and strong and independent to be duped, that she was duped already before, and she can be again.

I really hope it works out for you but let’s be real this has red flags all over it and has no future. I think all the support he is giving you is to create dependency and reliance. You will say he is different than the stereotype, that he is real, there is a connection and you are not silly enough to be taken in and used….I really hope you are right in this. While you are not dependant on him, he will be like this, once you are hooked, this will flip. Take care.

There were three similar situations on 99 day fiance that I followed on Facebook but may be on channel 4. One is a beautiful American woman with a similar age difference. They married and did long distance for three years and then she moved to Morocco and they lived in the family apartment as this was tradition. She was treated very well by the family and accepted. The couple were in love but constantly argued about cultural stuff such as her wanting to wear a swimming costume and him saying she had to cover up. He did come across as emotionally immature but otherwise a good loving guy. He only went to USA with her in the end because she wanted to feel free to wear what she wanted and go out of the house independently. Another similar case was with another American woman with an Indian guy. His family would only accept marriage if she lived in the family home as per their tradition. They were also unhappy about the Woman's age re having children.
Relationships are complicated and not all women want to settle down. It seems you are really enjoying your relationship. You may feel vulnerable but so do many women in same country Relationships. I wish you well

Im glad you've had a happy romance so far, but I think you're fooling yourself about the red flags - from an outside pov, they're everywhere. Nice to have a friend, but anything closer would be fraught with risk.

I can only tell you what DP and I saw and learnt about when we did a work stint in Africa ( not Morocco)
So many young men who latched on to any European woman, any age. I had 3 random men say we ( as in he and I ) should marry even though I obviously had a partner.
I was asked if I had a sister , cousin, friend who’d want to marry them as I turned them down, obvs.
In hotels we saw lots of European woman with younger local men.
The 20 something gardener at our compound eventually married a Dutch woman , left his twins with gf and his mother so he could move to the Netherlands.
His sister married a German, much older man, and also had to leave her son when she moved to Europe. Think son later joined her.
The mother of these two was overjoyed and proud her son and daughter were leaving, it was seen as a coup and a step up in the community. Money would be sent back which improved the family’s lives and status.

Don’t get me started on the two children I was offered. Seriously I was asked to bring two children back home so I could send them to school but they’d also “clean the house, do the gardening, wash the car for you” They were both about 3 😞
We were also invited to a “betrothal” by a woman from Devon we got talking to in a restaurant. She’d flown in the day before for the ceremony ( think it was a cultural rather than legal ceremony) to a younger man she’d known for six months, though they’d only actually spent two weeks together. This would help his application to move to the U.K……….

it was an eye opening year! No idea if any of the relationships worked out.

I think you're talking about Mahmoud and Nicole (how addictive is 90 day fiancé?!). The country was Egypt and she was 38 and he was 26, however they did look the same age. The relationship was clearly toxic (he was very immature and his brother did say he's never had a relationship before) but as of April 2023 they are still together but in the US.

Ok…I know I am going to get flack for this but if someone was honest with me and said they wanted me to help them out by marrying them without the romance I might do so if there was a way that I could protect my assets. and I would have adopted the two babies from the mum who was obviously desperate to give her kids a better chance but I would keep in touch with the family.

These aren’t evil men and women just desperate people.

just remembered a friend of mine married someone to keep him in the country. They ended up in a real romance. They did split in the end but she has no regrets as she has a couple of gorgeous kids.

I sort of think I wish you had made many different choices in life, starting at getting qualifications in school.

Some posters in this forum seem to just make shit up or be unable to read lol.

Op appears to have a career or business. One in which she can sub contract work to others. So what on earth makes you think she didn't get qualifications at school??!!

Where on earth are you getting this from?

If you hadn't said other things related to the thread, I'd have thought you posted on the wrong thread.

Bizarre.

An acquaintance of mine (European female, mid 30, lives in London) only travel to developing countries including Morocco, and have sex the young waiter, tour guide etc. She gave them the illusion that she would bring them back to the UK and enjoyed their attentions while on holiday. But in her own words, they are just her 'toys' and she will only settle down with a European guy with a good job. However, when in London, she seeks Indian guys who just came to this country from online dating apps, and have short relationships with them. She believes that "London is racist and they need her protection" and they always listen to her and would not dare to disagree with her. I find her attitude eye opening and somewhat twisted...

Wow she sounds quite predatory.

She holidayed in one of these countries once and told us that she was surrounded by guys telling her how beautify and young she looked, she was treated like a princess. After that trip, her attitude changed, no longer interested in any 'boring' developed countries and think her old friends are all dull and lack of adventure.
....
Btw, Op, I am not suggesting you are like her. This is just a story that shocked me quite bit. Op - you should enjoy yourself but make sure your asset and heart are guarded.

This is very common, well the bit about these young guys hitting on older British women. Not about attitude changing.

I had it myself, in two different countries, there is something very cynical about it, but easy to be flattered and think they mean it. That they really do think you’re gorgeous and fancy the pants off you.

Usually it’s the you are very beautiful line, I also recall a young bar tender having the balls to ask me if I wished to meet him for a date as I was just so beautiful. He was serving me drinks at the time. I just looked at him like he’d grown a third arm. Do I fuck want to go out with someone in their twenties, I was early 40s at the time, now late forties. I also had a waiter try to pass me his number and asked the same thing as he out my plate down. In that instance we all looked at him like he had grown a third arm. Both times on holiday with my female friends, so my husband not there with me,

you don’t want to think that they just see you as older, vulnerable, foolish, susceptible to flattery, and fhat you simply represent easy sex and maybe a better way of life, for them and by default their families. That you’re a mark and it’s a numbers game.

Worst case for them they get easy sex if they think youre remotely attractive, as the local women will not go there, best case they might even get money from you and then the next step up, the ultimate goal, a better life,

i do think there is a certain vulnerability , loneliness, need, and low self esteem to the women who fall for it, who desperately want to beleive it, that these young men really do want them for them. And that’s why they fall for it.

it’s actually very cruel and cynical .

Sounds awful. And racist.

My mum’s friend met a morrocan he might have been based in France though younger handsome amazing chemistry then on her last visit she found a used condom in his pocket that wasn’t his apparently go figure that one out. They would have gymnastic sex then when she was absent was he really leading a monk celibate existence not when your young and virile and the thing is the heartbreak of the break up broke her into pieces and of course now everyone pales into comparison as not younger and very handsome etc . There’s going to be some heartbreak at least the longer it draws out the worse the heartbreak.

Watch only human on youtube its a big dated docu series on human relationships. A lot of holiday romances that turn into debt nightmares plus they reconnect with the other woman they were working on even with the marriage visa . They built up debts and the poor women are indebted for decades to a sham marriage one them became an activist for change wonder how that worked out brave woman because they can turn very nasty once your useful is all used up.

When Holiday Romance Turns to Heartbreak | Holiday Love Rats S1 E2 | Only Human
When Holiday Romance Turns to Heartbreak | Holiday Love Rats S1 E2 | Only Human

There are some videos on YouTube about Moroccan romance scammers and it's very interesting to see a few Moroccan people in the comments saying that finding a better off person from a developed or rich country to get money and/or a visa is absolutely par for the course....they say the men usually go after Western women, with a very loose upper age limit, and the women go after well-off Arabic men from various countries, with a similarly loose upper age limit. They describe the country as "hell" (!) A young women says she's well aware of men from there discussing strategies for hooking women from developed countries etc.

Seems like there's a culture of it, and that the families go along with it since they think it will help their family member and them. Being welcomed and treated well by them means nothing, other than that they're pragmatically complicit in the "acquisition" and use of the better off, usually Western partner.

The op would do well to keep this all in mind.

There are very very few men who, at 28, would entirely "freely" choose a mid 40s woman as their life partner, and give up having their own kids. Men are generally more ageist than women.

As others have pointed out, OP may pretend she could detach at any time because she herself sees the red flags for what they are, but if it was purely physical she wouldn't be asking on here in the first place. She's asking for a happy ending (usually understood to be marriage, living together) without the marriage and the living together part that usually go with it.

So yes, his strategy (whatever it is) is working. He knows it, it's called playing the long game. You can do so much better in your position OP, seriously.

What would that happy ending look like for you, OP, for you to not have doubts about his commitment?

Op, why do you never stay with him at his home on these trips? Does he live with his mum and dad? Why does he never come over here to visit you?