Is this relationship doomed? 18 months in with Moroccan bf 17 years younger.

[Laura401]

So... left abusive relationship 2 years ago. Managing kids 50/50 with ex, and met a man when I went on holiday. Didn't really think about age or anything, began a friendship online afterwards and feelings intensified over several months. Despite initial attraction, i was reluctant due to being older. I'm 45 and he is 28. We met again, 3 times for a couple of weeks at a time - it was he most natrual and incredible experience - and we talk multiple times a day. We work together on projects, and in fact he has saved my bacon a number of times. All the classic red flags are non existent and we are, to all extents and purposes, a couple - a very happy, incredibly connected and in love couple (a feeling i though i would never again feel). My kids know about him, and are ok, not over the moon, but ok, and a few very close friends know as well. Now things have progressed to meeting families and spending as much time together as possible. I have never before met anyone quite like him and trust him implicitly. Before i hear all the comments about men from this country, Muslim men, age gap relationships etc, I want to add that i have no intention of marrying or being a green card. I just want to ask whether anyone else has found themselves in this situation and whether there was a happy ending? I'm in a total quandary about what I should do moving forwards. Is this just a road to nowhere? Am I kidding myself this could work out? Is this a love conquers all situation? I am not one for convention and don't care what people other than my kids and my loved ones think. That said, any advice from people who have found themselves in a similar situation would be massively appreciated. Ty

People from outside of the UK believe it or not also use this site… I don’t like to presume all are UK unless the OP says otherwise. Some people are so hung up on thinking this site is exclusive to them and their location.

You are writing a film where you have the staring role.

Be very careful.

Enjoy it. But be careful.

I checked out of my relationship a long time ago. I was emotionally ready to leave and my reluctance to start anything with this man for a while was in part to allow myself some time to heal.

Yes you could say that. I am exercising caution. The fact that I'm posting here tells you that I'm keeping one foot in reality.

If I was your best friend I’d be telling you to get a reality check. It’s all very airy fairy…. Your children should be your first priority, a shag with a man 17 years your junior isn’t great for them is it? No wonder they aren’t over the moon about it. You’re 45 FFS, you have responsibilities. You’re not some love struck teenager and that’s exactly how you’re acting.

I’m sad for you that you’re caught up in this having been in an abusive relationship previously.

Realistically this isn’t going to work for so many reasons. Even if we ignore the “playing an older woman for visa” rationale.

He’s significantly younger than you and only marginally older than your eldest child. He will probably want a family himself. He lives in another country and it doesn’t sound as though he visits you, rather you holidaying there. It’s a holiday romance not reality. Yes he might have helped you on a graphic design project but hey that’s quite easy isn’t it if you have a graphic design background.

It’s easy to be caught up in long distance internet romance without day to day interactions. They just aren’t real. Holiday time spent together isn’t real day to day life either. Real life has far more mundane difficulties than your perceived romance.

If you truly aren’t offering marriage and a visa, long term what is in it for him and you? You may enjoy the flirting and supposed comfort of a relationship, coupled with your children and work life. But even if he doesn’t have an agenda for visa (highly unlikely) why stay in a long distance relationship for him with no benefits of seeing you day to day, no prospects of a future family etc.

Don't be another one sucked into this. It really doesn’t have a future and even you try pretending to yourself that it doesn’t. Find a proper future for yourself. You can do this, really you can but open your eyes to something normal that isn’t this. Good luck.

You are completely deluding yourself.

Why would he want someone 17 years older? Why?

You literally said more kids aren't your priority...get real. You're unlikely to conceive.

Form a relationship with a man your age within one hour's travel. This is a fantasy. That doesn't matter so much as your refusal to acknowledge your thinking isn't that of a mature woman.

"I think in a way this will work its self out.
.....but I am a realist too."

You're contradicting yourself. These are two different values.

I say enjoy it - I'm a big believer in life turning up things that are meant for you. It doesn't sound like you are getting carried away with happily ever after but that you have a really lovely connection with someone.
Just enjoy it long distance with no expectations.

Your posts say otherwise though. You keep saying you aren't nai[e]ve but you're behaving like every other middle-aged women who went to Morroco and got conned. You say there are no red flags but they're glaring.

Sorry OP - no 28 year old man genuinely falls in love with a middle aged woman unless there is something else in it for him. Even if you are stunningly fit and gorgeous for your age, it's not realistic. (An impressionable 18 year old might, briefly, but not a 28 year old).

Enjoy the fling, recognise he's playing you but don't fall for any tricks. You deserve some fun after leaving a bad relationship - but please do it with your eyes open, and don't jump into the fire!

He is playing you. As long as you realise that, go ahead.

Hmm, OP seems to have this guy on a string, got him at her beck and call, working for her for free but adamant she won't give him what he (presumably) really wants, i.e. marriage /visa. Who is playing who again?

I don't think anyone is playing anyone. It's obvious OP wants a long term relationship and that's utterly impractical.

If she's willing to wait 5 years on this fantasy and then try a feasible partner, she'll take her chances.

Its not a healthy relationship with a future.

I understand the “incredible connection” thing. It was lovely and free and strong. Mine never got off the ground tbh. But I get it!

I think you could enjoy the romance for what it is but at the same time have no expectations. It probably won’t last, but I still think it can genuine.

What @SawX said. You are getting played. He jumped at the opportunity.

@ScarboroughHair Not unlikely he chats with several women who all think he is the love of their life, all he needs is one of them caving and he is golden.

And what about your kids time to heal? They didn't get out of an abusive household until you finally took them out of it. It doesn't matter how emotionally checked out you were because they weren't. You may have healed (although I sincerely doubt it) but what about your kids? Abusive home life , parents then separate and shortly after mum keeps ditching them for weeks at a time to go hook up with her new man. I hope you are not leaving them with your abusive ex while you spend 2 weeks abroad.

And how long could this 'while' possibly be if you only left your relationship 2 years ago and have been seeing this new bloke for 18 months?

Oh my word! Yes she completely trusts him. It’s called the long game. There are some gullible people out there. She will give him what he wants despite her protests.

So, after your kids grow up and leave home, you are going to live, unmarried, in Morocco?

The other alternative down the track is that he comes over to the UK as partner. Even though I get that would be down the track, given he is in his 20’s now, I’m guessing that’s still pretty attractive to him at this point. Well worth doing quite a bit of work for free I would think!

The fact you even need to ask is worrying. Would you say you are emotionally astute and good at spotting red flags?

If you are about to meet the families but have no intention of marrying it's pointless. I've married into Muslim families they work accept your relationship unless you marry tbh. It's long an complicated and sounds odd in one way. We're a uk couple, with uk family just Muslim on one side and Christian on the other. Unless it's narrative no point meeting them. Seems like that is his thoughts and he'll want to get over on a martial visa,

Regardless of all this, listen to your kids, kids always know. I was right every time about one of my mums boyfriends

International relationships are really hard, even if you are actually living in the same country, you still have family split over two countries.

And that’s without the almost two-decade age gap, the religious difference and the fact you are a single mum fresh out of an abusive relationship.

Enjoy the fantasy and friendship of an
extended holiday romance but you’d be bonkers to try and take this to an actual relationship. Your kids are already unhappy, and that will only escalate. No one wants a step parent who is closer to their own age than their bio parents age.

Let me tell you about my dad. He met someone on holiday in an African country (not Morocco, but another place known for holiday romances.) They just enjoyed each other’s company, she didn’t want to live in Britain, she said. Cutting a long story short, whilst not being naive at all (so he said) my dad married her because she told him she was not able to visit him otherwise - not a romantic marriage, oh no.

As soon as she had her visa, she disappeared, had 2 babies with another man, and only reappeared years later just in time to play heartbroken wife when he was terminally ill. In a series of well-played moves, she managed to inherit 3 generations of wealth my dad was custodian of despite him intending to leave most of it to his children (but she was supposed to be left a house and an income, he had intended to provide for us all,) and is now running a massage parlour for men in her home country, having essentially already won the ‘pull an older silly foreigner’ game once and hoping to snag herself another silly foreigner. She is younger than me, she could still manage that. Her sister and male cousin have both also married much older holiday makers - it is a well-known career choice in their part of the world.

You think you are not being naive, but you are. You are being played. There is a well trodden progression down this path. He will declare he misses you but does not need marriage, just your company, but he cannot do that because of the distance, so will suggest marriage as a practicality. He will say he does not want children, but will have them with someone else anyway (not you, obviously!) He will say he is not interested in your money, but once you are married you will have no way at all of divorcing without it costing you (and he will probably treat you badly enough you want rid of him once you are married,) and eventually, unless you have got some cast iron financial walls up already (which my dad thought he had) he will take your children’s financial futures from them.

I speak from experience, but those who do not want to see if won’t see it. Your children will think you an idiot but are probably being polite because it’s a baffling situation to find their parent has brought home more than the average souvenir from their holiday (I know me and my siblings were baffled!) Here’s a curious thought to leave you with - have you ever come across a holiday romance involving a westerner and someone from a less well to do country where the westerner fell in love with a much older local? No? Why do you think that might be?

My work colleague took a career break and went to Egypt for 6 months . She met her now husband out there . He lives here in the uk now and they have kids and are very happy .

Op if your happy , and he's happy , just go with the flow and see where it leads .

Screams long con to me.