Is this relationship doomed? 18 months in with Moroccan bf 17 years younger.

[Laura401]

So... left abusive relationship 2 years ago. Managing kids 50/50 with ex, and met a man when I went on holiday. Didn't really think about age or anything, began a friendship online afterwards and feelings intensified over several months. Despite initial attraction, i was reluctant due to being older. I'm 45 and he is 28. We met again, 3 times for a couple of weeks at a time - it was he most natrual and incredible experience - and we talk multiple times a day. We work together on projects, and in fact he has saved my bacon a number of times. All the classic red flags are non existent and we are, to all extents and purposes, a couple - a very happy, incredibly connected and in love couple (a feeling i though i would never again feel). My kids know about him, and are ok, not over the moon, but ok, and a few very close friends know as well. Now things have progressed to meeting families and spending as much time together as possible. I have never before met anyone quite like him and trust him implicitly. Before i hear all the comments about men from this country, Muslim men, age gap relationships etc, I want to add that i have no intention of marrying or being a green card. I just want to ask whether anyone else has found themselves in this situation and whether there was a happy ending? I'm in a total quandary about what I should do moving forwards. Is this just a road to nowhere? Am I kidding myself this could work out? Is this a love conquers all situation? I am not one for convention and don't care what people other than my kids and my loved ones think. That said, any advice from people who have found themselves in a similar situation would be massively appreciated. Ty

I'm pretty sure you will regret getting into a potentially complicated situation, likely to fail,when your children have been in an abusive set up.

Spend your energy on therapy instead and find out why you seek the drama.

You want to believe this will be different, but I don’t see how it can work out.

From personal experience, I would say it is better to let go. I went from leaving an abusive ex to a relationship with a man of Iraqi origin, albeit already in the country. He was 14 years younger. It was an incredible relationship and It lasted 3 years, but the differences in our ages and life experiences was hard to ignore as time went on. In the end it seemed selfish not to let him go and get on with his life and find someone closer to his age. Was an incrediblly difficult break up and I still think about that long ago relationship. Better to end it now than later.

Print and stick on your mirror op.
gently, there is such a thing as confirmation bias where we seek out sources of information that confirm our worldview or our perspective. You do seem to be skimming over the posts that say ‘ROMANCE SCAM 🚩’ in favour of the ‘yea could be genuine I suppose’ ones

I can’t think where the man was from in North Africa but I just recalled about 10 years ago a Canadian friend of mine had a fling with a man living here. She’s now returned to Canada.

She’d never been married, didn’t want kids or marriage and was independent and 40. He was about 10/12 years younger. She didn’t give him any money and it was more about sex and company, I think they saw each other for 2-3 years. But she had her eyes wide open and expected him to go home and get married.

FWIW OP I had a LDR with someone who lives in Manchester (I live in Cornwall).

Due to kids and life, we were about to meet up around once a month.

Unfortunately, it just didn’t work.
It was fine in the beginning but when we got more serious, meeting up just once a month didn’t work.

You will be seeing this man around 4 times a year.
If he comes over here the same amount of time, that’s 8 times a year.
You cannot be in a relationship with someone who you see 4-8 times a year.

You will be friends with benefits, which is absolutely fine.
But it does mean he will be dating other people and eventually finding someone else.

If you see this as just a bit of fun for now, then absolutely crack on and enjoy it whilst it lasts.

But if you’re hoping this is going to be s long term thing, then I’d consider ending things now before you get hurt.
This can never be anything serious or long term.

I am not sure the op is coming back. She’s maybe not got the attagirl she wanted from this thread.

shes got herself into this loved up make believe world and ignored the huge amount of red flags.

why doesn’t he come here to visit
why is he working on getting a uk visa,
why did she feel the need to tell him she won’t enable it
why doesn’t she ever stay with him at his home
why does he ask her regularly to help her with her job, for “free”, does she not recognise that’s not normal?
does she know 200 pounds day rate is close to a months average wages in Morocco
she clearly didn’t meet him in the manner she’s saying, so how did she meet him
what is it she doesn’t wish to tell people.
where will he live and who will sponsor him if he gets here
why does she beleive she’s in love and him with her, after in reality of a real life relationship of having just six actual weeks together.
why are they staying with his sister
why is she ignoring the fact they are Muslim and her staying with him in his sisters home normally wouldn’t be permitted
does he live with his parents and they won’t permit her to stay there, or does he have a wife and kids?
does he own a business hub or just work in one and as such very low income
why does she “sub contract “ work to him but pay him the uk rate.
why does she need to work live with him when she does, if he’s a graphic designer she should be able to pass the brief on he does it.
how did she set him up as a sub contractor, what exactly did that entail considering he’s there and she’s here? What has she committed to?
just how much money has she actually given him now?
why does she feel the need to clearly lie about some of the things she’s writing.
why does he want the visa to live in the uk if he’s so happy to live in Morroco
Did she not notice he didn’t say he didn’t want children. He said he’d forego them for her. Which is very different.
is she willing to convert to Islam? Have they even had that conversation? Because that comes way before the kids convo.

We could all add to this list, as there are so many red flags showing very clearly what this is, but the op is determined to ignore them.

is she willing to convert to Islam? Have they even had that conversation? Because that comes way before the kids convo.

Why?

The ops age means she's unlikely to have kids naturally, and it sounds like she's not interested in donor eggs or surrogacy or starting again with babies; so they're apparently not going to have kids together.

And they're apparently not going to get married, because the op doesn't want to (with all the visa implications) so she'll be his partner for as as long as it lasts.

So why would a partner have to convert to Islam. It's not her background, culture, or religion presumably. He's dating her knowing it's not. What would the purpose of her converting to Islam be? For a long distance partner relationship. Even if she moves there, she doesn't have to convert.

In any case, I don't believe a 28 yr old man with no kids yet (if true) will stay in a relationship with a mid 40s woman who can't/doesn't want to have kids for long.

Did she not notice he didn’t say he didn’t want children. He said he’d forego them for her. Which is very different.

He's only saying it because he's in the honeymoon period and the concept of kids can be a vague, future one for him (as a 28 yr old, who has the ability to father them pretty much indefinitely).

There's also the possibility it's a long con to some extent and he'll say whatever he thinks op needs to hear to see their relationship as viable. Until he gets whatever he wants from the situation. Maybe he believes she'll come around in the longer term on the marriage front, or just that she's a useful financial support. She gets him highly paid (for Morocco) work etc.

I understand what she’s saying she won’t marry him. But if he’s wanting a visa and is serious about her, then marriage would be something he would be considering. And religion would be a part of that.

and she’s 45. She has not posted she’s infertile. Her age does not stop her having a baby as the sole factor. Plenty of women have children at this age and older. It’s not ok to say she’s unlikely to have a child naturally as she’s 45. Not right at all.

Have you tried dating m,en in your 40s? First, there is no 'plenty' unless you count the married/in relationship ones.
Many of those who are single want much younger girlfriends, others have either a lot of baggage from past relationships or bachelor's habits, I think I would actually fancy seeing a younger guy if I could myself.

I worked in a Moroccan hotel as a holiday rep many many years ago. The lads who worked there as bar men or the entertainment staff were so lovely and so charming. Except they all had several European women on the go. One time, one of the guys had a girlfriend visiting and another turned up to surprise him. Arguing and tears followed. This was around the time before Facebook was really a thing so may be harder to hide it these days. I have seen a handful of relationships where it was genuine and the couple got married and are still together as far as I know. I knew of one case where a British woman moved to Morocco to get married and they stayed in Marrakech. I also knew a Moroccan lady on the entertainment team who was determined to marry a French man because she was obsessed with Paris, she got there in the end. For the most part the girlfriends would visit every few months and then disappear and the guys would move onto new ones. The work hours were ridiculous though so this was the only way some of them could meet women. Sometimes these relationships are genuine but it’s so hard to tell. Saying that Morocco isn’t as bad for this (bezness as they call it) as it is in Tunisia or Egypt. I still visit a lot as I have friends over there.

Op has said she will not be assisting him in gaining a visa through marriage.

So he can consider it all he likes, but if op sticks to what she's said; she won't be marrying him.

Even if she did, a civil/legal marriage is different from a religious marriage. he certainly doesn't need her to do a religious marriage. He'd be keen to make sure it was a legal marriage recognised by the UK immigration service.

Her age does not stop her having a baby as the sole factor. Plenty of women have children at this age and older. It’s not ok to say she’s unlikely to have a child naturally as she’s 45. Not right at all.

I know 3 women who have had children at 45. However, while we may be able to think of women who have done so around 45; the reality is that most women are effectively infertile at 45 onwards.

The chance of conceiving within a year of TTC drops from 40-50% at age 40 ... to 1 or 2% within a year by only 43. That does not improve after 43, obviously.
Risk of miscarriage is also getting much higher through the 40s.

So, it's entirely ok to say she's unlikely to have a child (without using an egg donor) at 45 onwards... Because it's realistic.

Op also sounds like she has no intention or desire to try to have more children at this age.

I reiterate; the number of 28 yr old guys who will stay with a mid 40s woman and give up having kids of their own - permanently.. is extremely low. And that's in our culture, not even a perhaps more traditional culture like his.

People (women) like to pretend that age doesn't matter to some men; it's generally not the case. I actually think men are far more ageist on average than women. For example, women on here report their difficulty being considered by men on OLD after 50, and that they're often left with only men 10-15 yrs older willing to date them.
Most young men I know who'll date older, only do it for sex, fun, experience, home comforts etc. for a while They do not settle with older women.

The fact that there is a clear financial/immigration etc. motivation for this young man, and that his country-women say there is a culture of seeking foreign partners - with a very generous age range - to improve their circumstances; means that he may not be one of the outlier/minimal men who settle with older women and give up having their own kids (like Macron, for example).

and she’s 45. She has not posted she’s infertile. Her age does not stop her having a baby as the sole factor.

By our 46th birthday, giving birth is so rare that our gestational years are considered in the past statistically according to the ONS.

(I say this as someone who'll be 47 fairly soon.)

Cmon now. Plenty of women give birth at 45 or older. Yes it’s harder or carries more risk, but as women we can conceive at this age unless early menopause. Otherwise doctors would all be taking us off contraception and telling us to crack on, as it was unlikely we’d have a child.

Some women may conceive at 45 and older but the fact remains that the chances of conceiving at 43 (naturally and with own eggs), two years younger, is down to 1-2% within a year.

Added to that, miscarriage risk doubles from 40 to 45.

Medical professionals, with both contraception and x-rays for example; have to cover everybody, including outliers.

Also, has it ever occurred to you that they recommend contraception until menopause to try to avoid women experiencing miscarriages (80% risk at 45) that could be traumatic and need medical intervention. And cost the NHS money for the medical intervention (to be cynical).

They also know that many people will opt for TFMR for abnormalities (the risk of which is climbing steeply during the 40s) which again, is traumatic and requires medical intervention.

Sadly, the recommendation for contraception is not a simple attempt at preventing healthy, full term pregnancies in women in their 40s and 50s. It's more complicated than that.

They're not going to recommend people don't use contraception if they don't want a baby, until there's no potential risk of them conceiving at all. It'd be irresponsible for doctors to say that. That doesn't mean many women of that age are going to get pregnant (or carry to term.)

Does he want a way into the UK