Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is this relationship doomed? 18 months in with Moroccan bf 17 years younger.

569 replies

Laura401 · 29/10/2023 22:27

So... left abusive relationship 2 years ago. Managing kids 50/50 with ex, and met a man when I went on holiday. Didn't really think about age or anything, began a friendship online afterwards and feelings intensified over several months. Despite initial attraction, i was reluctant due to being older. I'm 45 and he is 28. We met again, 3 times for a couple of weeks at a time - it was he most natrual and incredible experience - and we talk multiple times a day. We work together on projects, and in fact he has saved my bacon a number of times. All the classic red flags are non existent and we are, to all extents and purposes, a couple - a very happy, incredibly connected and in love couple (a feeling i though i would never again feel). My kids know about him, and are ok, not over the moon, but ok, and a few very close friends know as well. Now things have progressed to meeting families and spending as much time together as possible. I have never before met anyone quite like him and trust him implicitly. Before i hear all the comments about men from this country, Muslim men, age gap relationships etc, I want to add that i have no intention of marrying or being a green card. I just want to ask whether anyone else has found themselves in this situation and whether there was a happy ending? I'm in a total quandary about what I should do moving forwards. Is this just a road to nowhere? Am I kidding myself this could work out? Is this a love conquers all situation? I am not one for convention and don't care what people other than my kids and my loved ones think. That said, any advice from people who have found themselves in a similar situation would be massively appreciated. Ty

OP posts:
Thread gallery
5
Winnipeg23 · 31/10/2023 19:10

No he's being nice and using you as a future meal ticket. He helped you out a few times..well he's not going to knock you about and ask for money on day one. Charm charm charm.

I just think you are so vulnerable and an easy target. Definitely protect yourself and your kids. Let him go and get on building your life.

Sofita90 · 31/10/2023 19:10

I hope you see my message OP. So I was with a Moroccan(same age as me) I met similar way as you and I was clear with him if he doesn't move to UK I am not gonna have a distance relationship. Long story short due to some family issues he did not come and when I suggested we marry so he comes he didn't not accept as he would never marry for the visa. We did split up eventually as he told he wasn't in love and I wanted something serious while he wasn't in the mental state for such thing and we remained friends. Now I am married with a Moroccan again who I met in UK. Every time we visit Morocco everyone gets impressed when they find out he had British passport before marrying me ... Is quite common and is not only for the visa but is positive aspect of the relationship the better passport. To your case as you say this guy doesn't mind not having kids and wants a serious relationship with you. For me is for you to decide if you want a serious relationship with him and how this will work on the long term. Are you gonna move in Morocco or he will move in UK. If he is moving since you are not getting married how is he gonna achieve that ? He needs to work towards that. You are together for more than a year now so I think is the point of making clear your intentions. If is just to have fun then maybe you need to make clear to him you don't imagine living together ect. As well to add her if not married you cannot live together in Morocco . I find weird that his family would be ok for him being with you long term for years without being married. For Moroccans getting married and having kids is a priority and he will probably get pressure from his family towards this. I am impressed as well you are renting together during your holidays. Anyway it sounds like a nice story but i do think you are indeed in a stage where you should think what the next stage is and if this relationship will work long term. I don't think the age play any role but the distance and the cultural differences do.

anon666 · 31/10/2023 19:23

You seem really sensible, and aware of potential pitfalls.

It's no so far fetched that you've made a mutual connection with a 28 year old guy and that it might work out.

Anyone remember the Coronation Street storyline about Deirdre Barlow? I know it's fiction and I know there are reasons to be cynical, but it's not out of the question that it could work.

Yes there are conmen that take advantage, but that doesn't mean all guys in those countries are evil psychopaths who are going to move in and bury you under the patio.

Keepthecat · 31/10/2023 19:27

Be very very careful what you promise and do not hand over any money (unless earned as you describe). I have bitter experience of a similar experience which only lasted months once it got going - of course all men are not the same - but the different culture, language, expectations can turn into problems and deception is much easier when there's a distance between you.

Aurelia53 · 31/10/2023 19:29

Dotcheck · 30/10/2023 07:05

OP
If you want to quote someone’s post, hit the three buttons on the top right, then ‘quote’ . Otherwise you can’t tell who you are responding to

Thanks! I never knew how to do this!

Kgiggl3s · 31/10/2023 19:43

This sounds much like my friend. Went on holiday and fell in love with a Moroccan man. Flew out to see him a few times and endless calls texts etc. They decided she would move over there to live with him. She quit her job and packed her bags after weeks of discussion. 24 hours before flight he completely ghosted her and she new saw or heard from him again. She was also completely sure he loved her.

Kgiggl3s · 31/10/2023 19:44

It can and does happen so be very careful.

Angelil · 31/10/2023 19:48

FWIW from an LDR POV…my now-husband and I were in an LDR for 3.5 years while we finished our studies (5 year age gap). So the back and forth thing is sustainable for a certain amount of time. We did it again for 4 months in 2020 for work reasons. But there has to be a light at the end of the tunnel IF the LDR situation makes either one of you miserable.

threatmatrix · 31/10/2023 19:49

Has he introduced you to his family.

Treacletartfart · 31/10/2023 20:09

Not correct.

pphammer · 31/10/2023 20:56

You don't see any red flags but yes there are plenty in what you wrote...

Be careful and good luck

LalaPaloosa · 31/10/2023 21:03

A former colleague did this with a much younger man she met in St Lucia. She had never felt that way, amazing connection etc. he got as much money out of her as possible and then dumped her. She was devastated. What does your gut tell you?

SylvieB74 · 31/10/2023 21:04

Well he’s done a right number on you hasn’t he? You’re 99.999999% in for a hell of a fall.

Happychappy3 · 31/10/2023 21:57

@Laura401
Sorry but this sounds like a green card situ

Isaidnomorecrisps · 31/10/2023 23:07

How many examples do you need, OP?

I feel so much for your children.

There hasn’t been any example of this working, and many of the scam this is likely to be.

You aren’t listening.

Tell your boyfriend you’ve transferred your house and money to your kids. Because it’s for their future, whatever. See what happens.

VickyEadieofThigh · 31/10/2023 23:29

I've probably watched most of the 'love scam' programmes they've shown on TV and what characterises many of them is the 'slow burn' and time that these scammers are willing to put in.

What is also utterly consistent is how the older person (mostly but not always women) is completely convinced that the object of their affection is for real, honest, not playing them, etc.

This one sounds exactly the same, I'm afraid.

RantyAnty · 31/10/2023 23:39

Sureaseggs44 · 31/10/2023 18:52

I think you seem very sensible , you are aware of all the pitfalls and don’t appear to be being taken advantage of at all and actually are very lucky to be experiencing this relationship .I can’t see you suddenly getting taken for a ride so enjoy yourself and value the feelings because many people don’t get a chance to meet a soul mate . I think some people seem jealous . The moment you see a red flag then I think you will be “ on it”

Please explain why anyone would be jealous?

Y737 · 01/11/2023 01:07

First 2 years in long-distance relationship is a bit of a honeymoon period (been there). As time goes on, one of you is likely to want more, or the relationship will fizzle out. Cross that bridge when it happens and enjoy the present! But keep your eyes open in case someone more local comes along! It’s hard to disentangle his attraction to you from all the other things you must surely represent to him, so it’s a rather unequal relationship unless he’s socio-economically secure and able to mix in similar social
circles to yours back in his home country.

WotsitsMadeIn1927 · 01/11/2023 01:43

Not sure how long you were with your ex, but as you said you have no intention to marry or be a green card. Just let it happen and see how it goes. Let yourself be happy, if he makes you happy and seems genuine, so be it. Just be careful and protect your heart (and finances- just in case, sorry) 💐 rooting for you OP x

aurynne · 01/11/2023 02:33

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

SD1978 · 01/11/2023 03:09

I know you're hoping for positivity- but I really doubt you'll find it. He's a young man, from a different culture and religion, who is currently saying he doesn't want marriage, kids or money. Maybe that won't change, but it sublimely. You were very fresh out of an abusive marriage, and this man is offering you all the things you didn't have. If you can stick to your rules, then fair enough, but it also seems to lead to a lot of misery these types of situations

OldPerson · 01/11/2023 04:38

Bless you. You're an idiot. You want support and love and attention. He provides a solution to that need. You're vulnerable. You're used to abusive relationships. You have no expectations of happiness. And if he's abusive - that's your comfort zone. You only live once. I'm not sure why you feel you need a man/partner in your life? Maybe you're addicted to drama? Because that makes you feel important and noticed? I sort of think I wish you had made many different choices in life, starting at getting qualifications in school. But something in your life is not going right, if right now, you're not at a stage where you're enjoying/ or looking forward to the grandchildren and you want a younger sex toy?

Ramalangadingdong · 01/11/2023 05:22

Gardeningtime · 31/10/2023 17:21

To be fair to the op she’s articulated that several times. You really just need to read her posts.

Show quote history

Would it kill you to just say? I can’t remember reading what op said.

Highlighta · 01/11/2023 05:53

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Oh no you don't!

That is 1000% not the fault of the OP so off you fuck with your what you think are clever comments.

Catkin51 · 01/11/2023 06:26

My husbands cousin went on holiday to Turkey and fell in love with a waiter at her hotel. She was in her early 40s and he was late 20s. He came to stay with her at her home in London and their relationship was fantastic (her words). I don’t know the details about how long he had to stay here to get UK citizenship but while he was waiting he treated her really well and was very kind and loving.They got married to help his citizenship application but the day after it came through he just upped and left her.
She had no idea that he was just using her as she had trusted him implicitly. She was absolutely devestated when he left. So my advice is BEWARE.

Swipe left for the next trending thread