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Original poster

Is this relationship doomed? 18 months in with Moroccan bf 17 years younger.

569 replies

Laura401 · 29/10/2023 22:27

So... left abusive relationship 2 years ago. Managing kids 50/50 with ex, and met a man when I went on holiday. Didn't really think about age or anything, began a friendship online afterwards and feelings intensified over several months. Despite initial attraction, i was reluctant due to being older. I'm 45 and he is 28. We met again, 3 times for a couple of weeks at a time - it was he most natrual and incredible experience - and we talk multiple times a day. We work together on projects, and in fact he has saved my bacon a number of times. All the classic red flags are non existent and we are, to all extents and purposes, a couple - a very happy, incredibly connected and in love couple (a feeling i though i would never again feel). My kids know about him, and are ok, not over the moon, but ok, and a few very close friends know as well. Now things have progressed to meeting families and spending as much time together as possible. I have never before met anyone quite like him and trust him implicitly. Before i hear all the comments about men from this country, Muslim men, age gap relationships etc, I want to add that i have no intention of marrying or being a green card. I just want to ask whether anyone else has found themselves in this situation and whether there was a happy ending? I'm in a total quandary about what I should do moving forwards. Is this just a road to nowhere? Am I kidding myself this could work out? Is this a love conquers all situation? I am not one for convention and don't care what people other than my kids and my loved ones think. That said, any advice from people who have found themselves in a similar situation would be massively appreciated. Ty

OP posts:
Thread gallery
5
GreekDogRescue · 30/10/2023 19:52

Just enjoy it OP, have fun and forget about the naysayers and doomsayers. .

OopsaDazy · 30/10/2023 20:11

He has paid for flights for me before now. I have paid, we share some expenses - I paid an apartment, he paid an apartment, he pays travel and food.

It's a bit hard to decipher what went on and when as your tenses are all over the place.

But you say you visited him 3 times on work trips. Why was he paying for your flights if they were business trips?

You paid for an apartment - like AirbnB?
And he paid for an apartment - so you didn't even though it was on 'business'.

Why didn't he take you to his own home?

He 'pays' for travel and food.

Which travel? You've met 3 times.

Sorry but I think you are making a lot of things up to try to justify his authenticity.

Ramalangadingdong · 30/10/2023 20:19

GilberMarkham · 30/10/2023 18:49

On the subject of the relationship; it's a big age gap and he has no kids yet (if he's been honest about that); totally aside from the nationality and distance issues..... That's extremely likely to end sooner or later.

28 yr old men may be theoretically ok with the idea of not having their own kids, it's a vague concept even to many women (who change their minds in their mid to late 30s) let alone men who have an indefinite fertility window .... As they get older though, they're v unlikely to stay that way.

His assertion that he'd be happy not to have them if it's not with you; is at best naive/delusional (and at worst just part of a script).

This would be the case with even a UK 28 yr old.

I think of you don't want to end up hurt, you need to end the relationship, your feelings are clearly engaged so it will be a long and somwhat painful disengagement but that's what's necessary.

Edited

Haha! This reminds me of my ex who said he would love me even if I got fat. I got fat and guess what…? That’s right. I didn’t see him for dust.

Ramalangadingdong · 30/10/2023 20:23

This thread is actually really sad. I want to say it could work but I would be lying as my gut says it won’t. Sad all round really - that a young man is desperate enough to do this and that an attractive older woman is desperate enough to fall for it.

strawberriesarenot · 30/10/2023 20:36

Ramalangadingdong · 30/10/2023 20:23

This thread is actually really sad. I want to say it could work but I would be lying as my gut says it won’t. Sad all round really - that a young man is desperate enough to do this and that an attractive older woman is desperate enough to fall for it.

Yes, you are right.
I'm sorry OP, I should have been kinder.

It's such an old, old story though.

worriedoutofmymind · 30/10/2023 20:40

OP, I have been there, although he wasn't Moroccan (but from a country very similar culturally). I was also very young, and we didn't have the age gap you do.

But it ended very badly. Yes, money was involved and yes, I came out of it looking the fool. I have never trusted anyone properly again since.

I wasn't the stereotypical woman in this situation. I was early 20s, reasonably attractive, and I didn't have much money. Usually these situations happen to older women who are quite well off financially. So I thought, it won't happen to me. How naive I was.

SnackQueen · 30/10/2023 20:46

There's no fool like an old fool.

worriedoutofmymind · 30/10/2023 20:49

Also this thread reminds me of Debbie and Osama from 90 day fiancé

PosterBoy · 30/10/2023 21:03

Wow there's a whole series of these types!

PierceMorgansChin · 30/10/2023 21:12

Catfish on holiday rats abroad both on YouTube

GeekyDiva80 · 30/10/2023 21:34

I'm 43 and my DP is 27. Our relationship is booming and we are so happy ❤️. Except like now, when he's snoring next to me 🤬😂

FreddysSquishyBollock · 30/10/2023 21:58

worriedoutofmymind · 30/10/2023 20:49

Also this thread reminds me of Debbie and Osama from 90 day fiancé

Poor Debbie! She’s way too good for Osama:

Oussama Refuses To Marry Debbie | 90 Day Fiancé: The Other Way

Debbie is now in Morocco, but gets some bad news.Follow me on Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/kiblzofficial/Tiktok: @kiblzofficialAzan Is Only Attracted...

https://youtu.be/j6aAyuUxCWc?si=FXZEh6x3bv5C3bwm

IAmtheVampiresWife · 30/10/2023 22:03

If you just want a FWB surely it would be easier to get one in the UK? Much less hassle.

GilberMarkham · 30/10/2023 22:14

worriedoutofmymind · 30/10/2023 20:40

OP, I have been there, although he wasn't Moroccan (but from a country very similar culturally). I was also very young, and we didn't have the age gap you do.

But it ended very badly. Yes, money was involved and yes, I came out of it looking the fool. I have never trusted anyone properly again since.

I wasn't the stereotypical woman in this situation. I was early 20s, reasonably attractive, and I didn't have much money. Usually these situations happen to older women who are quite well off financially. So I thought, it won't happen to me. How naive I was.

I also had a visa geezer as an early 20s, good looking woman.

He was already married for a visa (a fact he "forgot" to tell me) but was unhappy with how that was working out (very difficult culture/language for someone not from there to do well especially if a different race).

So (because he couldn't go for the marriage approach with me) he tried for the "child with a UK/EU citizen approach" (which used to get the parent at least 18 yrs in the UK, I think, and the possibility of indefinite leave to remain. Not sure what the case is now).

For various reasons (he thought I was leaving pretty soon, he was just incapable of having the patience and "intelligence" and putting in the effort for a long con, and he probably could not afford/didn't want to pay out 1k a pop flights to the UK & back to continue the con), he went in for the kill , suggesting we have a baby, proposterously early ... Like 3/4 months of dating max.

I was totally non plussed. At the time, I didn't know he was married, didnt realise the visa angle, and just thought it was bizarre ..the only explanation that even occurred to me was because (he said when asked) he had no kids and was hitting his 40s; that he had become increasingly dissatisfied and self conscious about that and was rushing into it (he was from a developing country with a culture of having kids young and men having kids by multiple mothers/polygyny).

I was so green, it didn't even occur to me that he might tamper with the condoms; which I was obviously relying on for std prevention as well as pregnancy prevention. I don't know if he ever did, but I did experience a delayed period with an extremely painful onset - perhaps a very early miscarriage - which I'd never had before or since.

When it became clear I was not remotely up for having a baby, I wanted to use condoms all the time, and I would seek a termination if I fell pregnant; he moved on. I bumped into him in a venue I'd taken him to (not in his town) on a double date with other EU national women.

Anyway... My long-winded point is; visa geezers etc will have a go at anyone - including young women, very attractive women; their chances of success are probably lower with these groups though.

GonnaGetGoingReturns · 30/10/2023 22:36

I’m not laughing and from your point of view OP, it sounds like a chance romantic meeting, whereas sadly from his point of view it’s most likely a cashpoint transaction with a visa. There are so many case stories out there where young men like your boyfriend do this as a living. Maybe they don’t want to do it, and some don’t, but for some, it’s an easy route to a better life for them and their family. It’ll be very easy for him to hide his other life, including a wife or fiancée from you. His family will see your relationship with him as benefitting them all, despite them having a business.

I worked for a solicitors and some clients of ours were an Egyptian man and a western woman, both older, late 30s, who met, married and had a child together. I don’t know if he was married before but she wasn’t. Even I could tell, meeting the man, that he had a totally different side to him, being married to a Western woman, he seemed to fight against it and wanted to assert that he was the dominant man, despite the wife being a business woman - they met on a flight. I hope things worked out for them.

JFT · 30/10/2023 22:49

PierceMorgansChin · 30/10/2023 13:19

Same. I'm going for vertical face lift just to look my age

Show quote history

@porridgeisbae

Still off topic: Have you tried a bit of weight gain to stretch out wrinkles, I reckon it might work ... might be cheaper and more fun to achieve.

porridgeisbae · 30/10/2023 22:56

@JFT yes it made a real difference actually. Smile Discovered I can't be 8 stone-something nowadays without looking even more ancient. But will probably still get a face lift at some point, like the PP.

RogueFemale · 30/10/2023 22:57

Chagnedname · 29/10/2023 23:16

I already knew it was doomed as I read the title

This.

ThankBlankBank · 30/10/2023 23:22

I'm skeptical of whether long distance relationships can work long term. Particularly when you're only meeting up a few times a year. And with a man in his 20s-30s.

I did this in the past, it turned out he was cheating non-stop. I wouldn't have ever guessed because he was the loveliest man when we were together and we would talk in depth everyday. He just "couldn't go without sex" for months at a time.

We were in our early 20s at the time, met at uni and he moved abroad for a work opportunity. I discovered the cheating while using his computer when I was staying at his.

Ramalangadingdong · 30/10/2023 23:54

ThankBlankBank · 30/10/2023 23:22

I'm skeptical of whether long distance relationships can work long term. Particularly when you're only meeting up a few times a year. And with a man in his 20s-30s.

I did this in the past, it turned out he was cheating non-stop. I wouldn't have ever guessed because he was the loveliest man when we were together and we would talk in depth everyday. He just "couldn't go without sex" for months at a time.

We were in our early 20s at the time, met at uni and he moved abroad for a work opportunity. I discovered the cheating while using his computer when I was staying at his.

It might actually work better than an in person relationship because it’s mostly happening in your head, like a fantasy relationship. You don’t have to confront him about leaving the toilet seat up or hogging all the duvet.

PaperwhiteTheGhost · 31/10/2023 00:03

My friend met a man on holiday in Tunisia. 12 years later they are happily married with a 6 year old and he has been a British citizen for the last 5 years.
However, he's the same age as her and they were early 20s when they met.

Milarky · 31/10/2023 00:38

I wanted to hear experiences that weren't all about being conned because I don't think I am being.

Despite 90% of posters saying that you are probably going to be (or in the process of being) conned.

You're not listening. You just want affirmation that it's all sunshine and roses. Please be careful OP.

EleanorRigby2U · 31/10/2023 05:57

The current set up wouldn’t make for a lasting relationship, I wouldn’t have thought, so you need to start thinking about the practicality of that.

I’m surprised at the amount of posters acting like this guy has the control here though. The balance of power lies in your court: you’re telling him that you won’t get married but what about what he wants? It sounds like you’re so intent to not be used for a visa that you are protecting yourself and putting barriers up. That might be sensible but it also demonstrates a lack of trust that I’m not sure is conducive to a happy and lasting future.

It sounds more like you’re using him - a man online who makes you feel good about yourself, that you can see in person when on holiday / when you choose and who’ll work for you without getting paid - than he is using you. You’re certainly getting more perks than he appears to be.

worriedoutofmymind · 31/10/2023 06:15

In his culture it is strange for him not to be married at his age. Parents and families are obsessed with marriage and arranging a good match. Sex outside marriage is a complete NO NO which is another reason why marriage is so important.

Most men would be married by about 24. He either IS married, or he's a very poor catch and can't afford the dowry / to finance a wife and family.

Breakingpoint1961 · 31/10/2023 06:15

Haven't read the whole thread so bear with me..

OP has he expressed a wish to live in the UK? Does he have a good/decent life/living in Morocco? I'd look at this scenario to be honest. If it is you who wants him here then that is for you to decide the route for that, but if he is content with what you have then I'd just enjoy it for now. My friend is 60, her fella is 42, they've been together for 16 years nearly, so met at similar ages to you two but both in UK.

I think most people (women) are wary of younger man/older woman/holiday romance.