Is this relationship doomed? 18 months in with Moroccan bf 17 years younger.

[Laura401]

So... left abusive relationship 2 years ago. Managing kids 50/50 with ex, and met a man when I went on holiday. Didn't really think about age or anything, began a friendship online afterwards and feelings intensified over several months. Despite initial attraction, i was reluctant due to being older. I'm 45 and he is 28. We met again, 3 times for a couple of weeks at a time - it was he most natrual and incredible experience - and we talk multiple times a day. We work together on projects, and in fact he has saved my bacon a number of times. All the classic red flags are non existent and we are, to all extents and purposes, a couple - a very happy, incredibly connected and in love couple (a feeling i though i would never again feel). My kids know about him, and are ok, not over the moon, but ok, and a few very close friends know as well. Now things have progressed to meeting families and spending as much time together as possible. I have never before met anyone quite like him and trust him implicitly. Before i hear all the comments about men from this country, Muslim men, age gap relationships etc, I want to add that i have no intention of marrying or being a green card. I just want to ask whether anyone else has found themselves in this situation and whether there was a happy ending? I'm in a total quandary about what I should do moving forwards. Is this just a road to nowhere? Am I kidding myself this could work out? Is this a love conquers all situation? I am not one for convention and don't care what people other than my kids and my loved ones think. That said, any advice from people who have found themselves in a similar situation would be massively appreciated. Ty

I guess we are stamping over your heart strings.
He's been kind to you. And made you feel amazing. BUT - still you need to find someone closer to home and age and lifestyle and enjoy a connection with them.

I don't think you should invest too much on this 'relationship'. This man is 28 and even though he now doesn't care about marriage and children, he might change his mind at any time. It's ok as a holiday romance as long as it is not making him waste his time/life and you now wasting your money.

OP one good thing about MN is that we'll still be here for a hand hold when it doesn't work out.

Being 40s and midlife crisis is a good point. I was a young widow when I met mine, so very vulnerable. Men are predatory in nature anyway so coming out of a bad marriage, widowed, midlife angst makes us perfect targets for that.

You may have said this already, but notwithstanding his career as a graphic designer does he earn an income from this? Where does he live ? When you meet over here does he pay for anything?
Honestly, I am sure you are lovely, it may work out but ask yourself if you were a local lady in his country, earning local wages,would he be quite so interested?

Come on, she’s admitted it’s amazing chemistry (lust) and she’s lucky she looks a bit younger for now. He’s flattered by the attention and can see other possibilities but once the chemistry runs out (which it will) then she will be the one wondering why she got involved.

It’s the perfect relationship now because neither of them really know the others lives, it’s all romantic stays in apartments and riads with lots of sex and fun other than sex. Once this runs out or real life gets in the way, then it’ll hit the skids. As I said before his family and friends probably encourage this as they see OP as a rich white woman who’s the gateway to a better life for their man.

I agree that his relatives may be pleasant/polite, for his sake, but that the vast vast majority of people would not be happy with their 28 yr old brother or son getting into a relationship with a mid 40s divorced woman who's had her kids and is extremely unlikely to have more. It's cradle snatching, it's "off". she could nearly be his Mum. I'd be embarrassed meeting these people and hanging out with them. You have to wonder if they are only doing it because they see op as fulfilling a function (sexual opportunities/financial opportunities) and think he'll settle with a younger woman at some point.

Op doesn't seem to really he seeing/accepting that scenario so this is not a good situation. Op.seens too invested and emotional (in spite of saying she won't marry/sponsor etc. him).

A few weeks ago I was in a takeaway and got talking to the guy who was serving. He asked me my age and when I told him he said that I look much younger (I suppose I do but I could tell he thought I was ancient). He became more interested - I suppose I look as though I have a few Bob. I was stupid enough to be so into the conversation that I let him know that I was single. That made him really lean in. I got alarmed when he asked if I was in good health then he asked for my number and said we should go on a date. I told him I don’t date young men (I don’t). He persisted. I said I would think about it and legged it. I haven’t been back. And I love that takeaway which is why I am currently fat. Another reason his interest in me was weird given all the hot young girls that go in there.

He wasn’t even subtle but if I hadn’t been in that kind of situation before and was feeling lonely I might have been easy prey.

I succumbed to the bullshit several years ago when I was younger and it ruined my life. Be so careful ladies.

People buy lottery tickets every week knowing they might as well throw that money in the bin as the chance of hitting the jackpot is so small. But they buy the ticket anyway and they hope.

Relationships like this are the same. I don't think people are necessarily stupid when they get into these types of relationships. They know the odds but they have hope, however small. They feel it's worth taking a chance. They'd rather try and risk being hurt, than always wonder what if. But it's this hope that gets preyed on unfortunately.

Have you actually slept together or have you just held hands, OP?

What do you want to happen next?

To be fair to the op she’s articulated that several times. You really just need to read her posts.

Young man 'supposedly' falls for Middle Aged Woman? Get over yourself love!

I mean it could work I guess, as a very short term thing
but he might want kids even in 10 years

Crazy Connection = Desperate for sex

Crazy connection = desperate for sex

Of course it's not a 'road to nowhere'. It's a road to whatever happens next. Enjoy it for what it is.

I think its really up to you to trust your gut. Ive seen certain muslim marriages where the woman is treated like the queen. Depends on the type of Islam i think? On holiday there were women whose husbands were
doing all the fetching and carrying and buggy pushing and it opened my eyes. Just saying

If you think that I am being cagey over what I am divulging it is because there is more to this story that im not going to share but it is not relevant to the initial post which was about wanting to know if other people had positive stories to share on age gap and long distance relationships.

The fact you are hiding some facts (supposedly not relevant) says a lot!

You've been super-defensive all along, so whatever else you're not saying clearly is relevant (or you'd not keep it a secret!)

I asked if you'd been to his home. You've not.
You meet in rentals (you mentioned you renting an apartment and him doing the same.)

Though why he pays is unclear because you link these trips to work, so you could offset travel expenses for your tax. Doesn't make any sense.

The fact you've not seen his home is worrying.
He may be married.

You are supposed to be staying with his sister/ brother next. How do you know they really are?

The likelihood is this will fizzle out. It's a fling.

But you're pushing money his way for the 'work' he does for you.

How you make sense of those payments for your tax is unclear as he would have to be listed as a sub contractor.

I can see why he's happy. He's shagging an older woman who pays him for work, she flies to see him, he doesn't invest any money or time except on the rare occasions when they meet.

If this sounds cynical, convince us otherwise.

Where is this from?

We rarely know if any relationship will be a forever one. Remember the old saying, "It's better to loved and lost, than never to have loved at all". I say go with it! It may or may not last, but it sounds great to me!
I had two different relationships with men 15 and 16 years younger. They didn't last forever, but I have wonderful memories!

You were fresh out of an abusive relationship. He is much younger.

The only way this would not scream red flags at me is if he would be happy for you to move to Morocco but not get married and keep all finances separate.

You don't have to actually do it. But go as far as to put all the appropriate plans in place.

I'm sure some of these types of relationships work, many however don't and can end of with people being used and feeling very low. It's impossible to tell which way it's going to go as I'm sure multiple other women also thought their relationship was great, until it wasn't. You have a lot going against you - large age gap, the distance, totally different cultures, acceptance by family and friends, the stigma of what people assume about your relationship etc.

I think you seem very sensible , you are aware of all the pitfalls and don’t appear to be being taken advantage of at all and actually are very lucky to be experiencing this relationship .I can’t see you suddenly getting taken for a ride so enjoy yourself and value the feelings because many people don’t get a chance to meet a soul mate . I think some people seem jealous . The moment you see a red flag then I think you will be “ on it”

If you don't see you getting married, where do you see it going?

You couldn't live together easily in Morocco if not married as it's still frowned upon, and he's highly unlikely to get a visa for the UK if not married either. Even then, it's now incredibly difficult and expensive to get a UK Spouse visa. If you're happy to travel back and forth then continue as you are, but if not then you may wish to end it sooner rather than later.

My first husband, and father of my child, is Turkish. I met him whilst I was living and working out there for a few years. I ignored many red flags, by telling myself they were cultural differences or things that would get better once married. Needless to say it didnt last but we have managed to remain amicable. I would never tell anyone not to have a cross cultural relationship as I know many happy couples but I do suggest you really think about it and don't just get swept up in the romance.

Just this to add, OP. Please try and see this set up from your DCs perspective. My ExH has taken up a 'relationship' with a Brazilian woman, 20 years his junior. He too visits her 3 times a year for a fortnight at a time. Our DC (DS 20 and DS 15) are absolutely mortified. They view their father and a sex tourist (which he is despite protestations) and are appalled by his behaviour. In addition, they now pity him and regard him as a tragic, middle aged creep. I have tired to normalise it and have had discussions around fact ExH is entitled to a private life.
They are not buying it and fact he ignores their feelings and protestations means he is no longer respected by them. This is a great shame given their previously healthy father/son relationship. I feel awful for my DC and also ExH watching this unfold. From the Brazilian woman's perspective, she's got an easy job - all she has to do is stay on WhatsApp, send declarations of love, the odd wank video and entertain him when he visits
Please be careful 🙏🏻