Is this relationship doomed? 18 months in with Moroccan bf 17 years younger.

[Laura401]

So... left abusive relationship 2 years ago. Managing kids 50/50 with ex, and met a man when I went on holiday. Didn't really think about age or anything, began a friendship online afterwards and feelings intensified over several months. Despite initial attraction, i was reluctant due to being older. I'm 45 and he is 28. We met again, 3 times for a couple of weeks at a time - it was he most natrual and incredible experience - and we talk multiple times a day. We work together on projects, and in fact he has saved my bacon a number of times. All the classic red flags are non existent and we are, to all extents and purposes, a couple - a very happy, incredibly connected and in love couple (a feeling i though i would never again feel). My kids know about him, and are ok, not over the moon, but ok, and a few very close friends know as well. Now things have progressed to meeting families and spending as much time together as possible. I have never before met anyone quite like him and trust him implicitly. Before i hear all the comments about men from this country, Muslim men, age gap relationships etc, I want to add that i have no intention of marrying or being a green card. I just want to ask whether anyone else has found themselves in this situation and whether there was a happy ending? I'm in a total quandary about what I should do moving forwards. Is this just a road to nowhere? Am I kidding myself this could work out? Is this a love conquers all situation? I am not one for convention and don't care what people other than my kids and my loved ones think. That said, any advice from people who have found themselves in a similar situation would be massively appreciated. Ty

I can’t see what the appeal is for him. He’s much younger and will want kids and a wife I assume one day. You don’t plan to live in the same place. It’s not going to last on that basis.

Kids is neither here nor there. He is 28 he can have them later once/if the op serves her purpose. The appeal is money and a visa.

and the ops feelings are more than engaged, she’s declared herself in love in the opening post.

as said though, I’ve a very bad feeling the op and him met on line, they did chat for a few months, and then she went out and met him and has done 3 trips in total

her story of them meeting at a bus stop then sitting in a cafe just doesn’t fit, that’s why she keeps confusing what happened, but the meeting on line and her going out after 6 months “not knowing if they’d like each other”, does fit and with the time line of going quarterly.

but she’s not wishing to admit it, as she knows saying they met on line, she’s been giving him work at 200 quid a time, that he wants a uk visa, and she’s been for a total of 3 visits , of which one was to meet him for the first time, is scam all the way through.

why she’s doing it though I can’t guess. She must know what this

Unfortunately sometimes they run both simultaneously. An Islamic marriage back home and regular visits to see 'family'

Maybe great sex is the appeal?

That’s naive in the extreme.

Why is it? Are you saying that you don’t believe he fancies the arse off OP?

I don’t believe for one moment that’s the driver no.

Believe it or not he's happy in Morocco. He would like to travel but that isn't the be all and end all. Moroccan people are used to not having the freedom we take for granted. We are happy with me visiting him atm. Long may that last!

You said he wanted to live in the UK upthread?

Replying to this but encompassing other points:
Think what you like. I know how we met, how we felt, how it deveoped, what has happened between us, what we both bring to the table, how we get on, what stresses we have, how we support one another, etc. If you think that I am being cagey over what I am divulging it is because there is more to this story that im not going to share but it is not relevant to the initial post which was about wanting to know if other people had positive stories to share on age gap and long distance relationships. Maybe had the word 'Moroccan' been omitted there would be a whole different response. So many responders have made sweeping statements about me, Morocco, Moroccan people, men, etc and a lot of them are incorrect. My point is while many people get misled, conned, ripped off, duped, whatever, some don't. I hope that I am one of those. But I'm not doing anything I don't want to. I'm not 'indebted' to him. He's not asking to come to UK. The situation works atm.

As for the 'what does he get out of it other than a visa' comment. We enjoy each other's company immensely. When we have met up since that first time, we have incredible chemistry. He obviously fancies me, and me him. I'm not some haggard old woman, I'm mid 40s, and look a good 10 years younger than that. I have my life here he has his life there. It may not be destined for more than what it is. I did say in a previous comment that if we remain friends that would be good because I care about him and believe there is a friendship and deep connection at the heart of this. Not a visa. Period.

We talked about it, I stressed if he did then it would not be with me facilitating it. He is happy there too. We talk about possibilities, ideas, there are a lot of things he would like to do. I've told him it won't be with me making it happen. His life is good there and his family are there. I'm not surprised he looks at different options, but we do discuss it all. Why wouldn't we?

We talked about it, I stressed if he did then it would not be with me facilitating it. He is happy there too. We talk about possibilities, ideas, there are a lot of things he would like to do. I've told him it won't be with me making it happen. His life is good there and his family are there. I'm not surprised he looks at different options, but we do discuss it all. Why wouldn't we?

If you don't help facilitate it, it's very unlikely to happen. It is not easy to move to the UK from a country such as Morocco unless you have a very specialised job, very rich or already have close family/spouse here. And even then, the spouse has to earn a certain wage to be able to bring their partner here. And to get legally married in the first place will require you to jump through several hoops to prove it's genuine.

So unless you want to move there (which imo is ridiculous and selfish considering you have teenage children), how would this relationship work? Do you really think he's going to be faithful to you, seeing you only every 3 months or so? It will end in tears (yours).

I’m so confused, you said he was applying for a visa and working towards meeting the requirements, and you said you were 48.

this is just constantly changing.

He is 28 and I am 45. I know how old I am ffs. You seem intent on finding inaccuracies to build your case that I'm being conned. I've been replying to so many vitriolic responses laced with contempt, and just nasty, forgive me for feeling defensive and actually, incredibly surprised that mumsnetters are so judgemental. Oh to be up in those ivory towers looking down on all the foolish people making mistakes. I guess you can all feel better about your own lives now. Happy days.

I'm guessing this discussion has gone through every permutation at this point ?

I would imagine that this young man would like a 'proper' relationship with someone at some point - he comes from a culture where marriage and children are not just highly valued but it would be considered abnormal to not find a wife and procreate.

Obviously times change and people buck their cultural / religious heritage but generally speaking why wouldn't he want love and a wife and raise kids of his own who all live together?

OP is older, has had her children who are now young adults, really likes the man but would like a more casual LDR it seems (sorry if I'm getting it wrong) and certainly doesn't want to risk marriage and possible exploitation for a UK residency visa / passport (being one of the added attractions or interests for any Moroccan man, as at the very least it widens his horizons, this is undeniable).

I would predict that what both people want in the long term is different and therefore that this is what would cause issues and possible ill will. Plus there's the age gap which isn't a terrible thing but could cause issues, there's the cultural / religious differences that could cause issues, there's the kids not being so keen, and there's the geographic LDR situation which also could cause issues.

That's a lot of setbacks. Setbacks that many many people overcome but many others don't.

I would predict if this relationship continues that one of two things would happen - either it will naturally develop into conflicts of interest and ill will and then fizzle out -or- OP will relent and decide to marry him or move over to Morocco herself. If that happens, it will be besieged with difficulties as neither option (him coming here, her going there) is particularly easy.

Zero judgement or prejudice from me, I'm just looking at it in terms of how situations unfold usually. I hate to say it to the OP but looking at it in terms of stone cold reality, it's probably not going anywhere. Maybe just have a bit of fun whilst there's the sexual attraction chemistry thing and expect it to fade out?

Also, check in with your conscience and him that you're not 'using him' because if he has unspoken expectations, then it could be a little bit cruel to kind of know that and disregard them. The man has feelings, hopes, and dreams.

Also check in with yourself, how you would feel if this was a British man saying these things and wanting to go to Morocco for a booty call with a girl he enjoys but isn't going to help her come to the UK or take it any further? It wouldn't look pretty would it?

Imagine what his family must be saying about you (behind your back, of course). No mother/sister would be happy with their young family member dating Middle age woman. Why do you do it yourself? Plenty men your age available

Just think he's likely to have a girlfriend at home too. When you are away. He's 28. Unlikely to wait three months till he has sex again. He has helped you feel good and it's addictive. I've been there too. Ringing every day. He is probably messaging other women every day too. Or every other day. I'm sure he does like you. But it's not going anywhere long term. So sorry. Can you get some relationship counselling? It might help add some objectivity. It will be difficult.

You have also said there's more to the story that you are divulging. As it's not relevant to your initial age gap question. However I think it probably is something problematic which is why you are hesitant to say as you really care about him and he's been supportive and caring and made you feel good. Just think it can't work long term.
The extra info is either finance, work or gf.

My apologies op, for some reason I thought you were 48 not 45, the point still stands on why does he want to work to getting a visa if he doesn’t wish to come live here.

no one is being contentious or rude, the truth is no one wants to see yet another stereotypical middle aged woman fall for this well known romance scam . You’re declaring you’re in love with a young man you barely know.

you’re clearly getting very upset . So maybe we all just agree, this is love. He will fore go children for you. you look 35, so the age gap isn’t apparent. He doesn’t want to move to the uk, he’s not interested in getting money from you. It’s true love. You are not the stereotype. He fancies you rotten and has fallen in love with you and there is no scam here.

@Gardeningtime Please drop the sarcasm; it doesn’t help your argument, which you have now made ad nauseam.

Please don’t monitor threads other than in line with talk guidelines.

I can understand why you feel attacked, but most posts are from people who have been through similar themselves, or seen someone else go through it, or are just plain concerned for you.

I won't go into it, but I made a similar mistake to you in my 40's. I do wonder if it's a touch of "midlife crisis" kind of thing. I wasn't scammed but the end result wasn't pretty. I'm a decade older now and see things very differently, with the benefit of hindsight. I look back on that relationship and feel embarrassed. In 10 years time you may well feel the same.

He might not be scamming you, none of us can say for sure he is. But equally, there is no "happy" ending to this. I think people, for the most part, are just trying to get you to see that.

I thought it was an effective way to reiterate the point, personally.

But you might have to confront him about snhagging everyone and exposing you to STIs 😂😂

Happened to me in an Uber last week. By the end of the ride she made it so comfortable like a best friend. Our things in common were more likely banter she's developed as an Uber driver which leads to more tips rather than some instant friend connection. I guess you'd call it sales or politician banter.