Hand hold please…

[User10932]

DH is currently upstairs packing his stuff to move out - things haven’t been good for a while. Kids in the dining room, carving pumpkins, none the wiser. Im locked in the bathroom, quietly crying to myself, so no one hears. How do things turn out so bad, when you start off so amazing?

aghh i couldn't read and run, what a manipulative bastard. Going to be a hard couple of months but i promise you and the kids can get through this and your life will be so much better once you've built up some self confidence again. You sound wonderful, he didn't deserve you but maybe there is a nice man out there who does. Throw yourself into your kids and having fun with them. one day at a time. Sending huge hugs your way xx

I’m so sorry this has happened to you OP, what a nasty piece of work he turned out to be!

My dad left my mum similarly (note on the door while she was away with a friend) and literally made up a list of lies about their marriage and her character to justify the decision to the divorce lawyer (then ticked “no” on the declaration saying whether it was true to the best of his knowledge etc and had to redo it 🙄) - I wonder if that’s what your husband is doing to try to justify the decision rather than owning the fact that he’s leaving because he’s selfish and only wants to look after his own interests from now on.

Hang in there, this stage is the hardest part but once you’ve come through it you’ll be so much better out of this marriage - my mum is so happy now 5 years on.

Sending you virtual hugs!

@User10932

Sorry for you. The ending of a relationship is often painful. Please don't suggest to your children that they father is leaving their lives. He is leaving your marital relationship, but that is not the same as " leaving their.lives."

Of course you can get up and go to work tomorrow, you are or can be a strong woman. Both you and your children will need some consistency in your life. This may not be the direction in which you expected your life to go, but you must be prepared to move forward. Look around you, men and women experience and handle separate and divorce all the time, and they all survive to tell about it.

Your children will take their cues from you. This should be a relationship loss for you, but if handled properly it can be a change but not necessarily a loss for them.

Woman up and take control of this situation. You can meet and survive this challenge.

He’ll be laughing on the other side of the face when reality hits after you’ve contacted CMS and he has to pay for more than two months rent. Get a solicitor, contact CMS, get proof of his earnings, his pension, any savings.

Some of these men honestly, they aren't very bright. The mind boggles.

Is he one of those dad who leaves all the childcare, house chores to the wife because he earns a lot more than you and complain not annoying life with you anymore because you are always busy to do everything in the house and never get any child free time like he does? A man who suffer from mid-life crisis and blame everything on the wife? He finds out you can be blamed for his cheating? All sounds so familiar 🙄

He sounds very irresponsible to leave the tenancy to you after 2 months, what does he think is going to happen to his own kids? Is he going to take them or leave them homeless? You need a solicitors to sort this out asap.

So sorry you’re dealing with this op.
His reasons sound like a joke.
stay strong. Xxxxxx

Another affair apologist above - yes, please protect your children but do not buy into the crap excuses of he’s leaving your marriage, not abandoning his family etc. He is and you will come out stronger after this. Hold tight and don’t believe A WORD that comes out of his mouth.

I’m so sorry. I think you should tell your Mum what’s happening. I know you want to protect her, but she will want to protect you. Don’t put up with any more shit from this arsehole man. The moment he’s out, change the locks. I know you feel really sad, but honestly he’s such a jerk, one day you will look back positively at this time as the day your life began. And yes to seeing a solicitor asap. This definitely counts as a crisis. Ask your workplace for compassionate leave. If they say no, see your doctor and get signed off with stress, you need to protect your health and prioritise yourself and your children. Pointless going to work when this upset and distracted. Wishing yo7 all the best. You will get through this.

CMS yes. Alimony probably not. As a general rule in the UK.

I think when you realise how horrible he now is things will become easier.

My first husband left me for someone else.

I knew that something was wrong as he had been really off.

One day we were out for a walk, he helped me over a stile & I thanked him.

Then he said something like "this doesn't mean that everything's OK" & that was it.

I felt such contempt for him from that point.

Then he was seen out with the OW by the vicar who had married us!

Not now, but at some point in the future you will have thank him for this.

Hi OP, so sorry you are going through this, and please believe it’s not your fault.

Can I please urge you to seek legal advice about your tenancy?

If it is still in the initial fixed term then you are both jointly and severally liable to pay the rent irrespective of occupancy.

If the tenancy has now progressed onto a periodic ( sometimes also called rolling) one either of you can give one month’s notice to terminate it. Hopefully if he does this the landlord will just offer a new tenancy in your name. I don’t wish to cause you any more distress at this awful time, but it isn’t an automatic process and if you genuinely cannot afford to take on the tenancy alone it might not happen.

I wish you the best possible outcome to all of this.

He's rewriting history in the most disgusting way, to try and salve the miserable remnants of his conscience. This isn't who you are, it's the (wildly inaccurate) version of you that suits him right now.

And his 'next bird'? 'Bird'?!?
I know it doesn't and can't feel like it now, but a grown man who calls women 'birds' is doing you a favour by leaving. For goodness' sake. He's a cliché of himself.

Big Hugs.

Tell the prick if he's leaving then he's taking the kids with him.

Never even hint at this!

What a ridiculous thing to say - those children will need their mam more than ever now, and she will need to know that they are safe and loved.

I know you are just trying to say that he has to face his responsibilities, but this isn't the way to do it.

The advice on here is amazing. I hope you have the strength to take it all in properly and if not then re-read as long as it takes. You are well rid and I hope you get your life back and in time see he’s done you a favour but for now one day at a time.

This is good advice.

While his name is on the agreement he is as liable as you are for the rent.

He can terminate the tenancy for you both if you are out the fixed term. Your landlord may agree yo let you have a tenancy in your own name.

You need legal advice on this ASAP.

You may be able to claim help from benefits to pay the rent if you are a low earner.

Jesus Christ OP he sounds horrible. I hope that you managed to get some sleep and that you've found a solicitor. Remember, if you've been the one looking after the kids and enabling him to advance career, you should be entilted to more than 2 months' rent.

You are worth SO MUCH MORE than this shit. It's a shock, and will hurt like all hell for some time. But sometime soon you will get to live in a house where every single person under your roof love the bones of you and thinks you're amazing. No more coming second, no more accommodating a shithead of a man. Just you and your lovely family. A home full of so much love and joy is coming your way, with no one there to taint it.

Excited for you and how wonderful things WILL be for you in your future.

Sounds like he’s an utter idiot and unfortunately you can’t see this right now. I think you probably are unhappy and things can and will be so much better for you one day.

Youve just gotta get through this shit situation for the next few months.

Look on the website entitled to and calculate where you stand you can also work out CSA entitlement online. - use incognito mode- you don’t need to tell him anything any more.

Get a sick note for the next few weeks GP will understand and then you’ll be able to hold it together better when the kids are around.

You can do this.

I'm so sorry. It won't help much now but try to hang onto the fact that on average women are happier after divorce and men, more miserable. He thinks he is cutting loose from a rock tied to his leg. In fact he's cutting loose of a woman who has been his rock, even while it sounds like he's been abusive and controlling to you. Let him find out how much muddier, barer and more barren the grass really will be on the other side for him. When you have followed the excellent advice here and time has done its healing work, you will grow a new and more beautiful garden of a life 💐

The fact that he left without explaining to his children tells me a lot about his character.

My own father left he also never explained, left my poor mum to do it. I’ve never forgotten that he didn’t explain to my face and now don’t have anything much to do with him.

Be prepared at this stage for a lot of nasty stuff from him and his family. Unfortunately relatively OK people seem to do this at divorce.

The advice I would give, having been through this, if it’s worth anything - is it’s really worth forgetting about all of those nasty words. They mean nothing, absolutely nothing. Don’t get sucked into ‘them’, and don’t encourage your own family to side either.

Instead centre absolutely everything on what is best for you and the kids - and I mean everything. He phones wanting to come last minute? Check to yourself, is this what’s best for me and kids. If not, don’t do it. Don’t do things in response to his or other people’s opinions. You will have a LOT of opinions, influence, him having a go or whatever.

It’s just noise.

Starting from today, you at least have him leave the house and you are there with the kids. He hasn’t hung on being horrible. He isn’t trying to kick you out. That is all a good thing.

So from today grieve and get care. But carve those pumpkins yourself with the kids, have a lovely Halloween, immerse yourself with your children as they are your primary relationship and they will give you more joy than you can imagine.

Do not give him the Marriage certificate, tell him to get one from the Registry office, make sure he is aware that either of you can get a copy, at any time.

Very well said.