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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Hand hold please…

278 replies

User10932 · 29/10/2023 17:04

DH is currently upstairs packing his stuff to move out - things haven’t been good for a while. Kids in the dining room, carving pumpkins, none the wiser. Im locked in the bathroom, quietly crying to myself, so no one hears. How do things turn out so bad, when you start off so amazing?

OP posts:
wesurecouldstandgladioli · 30/10/2023 08:18

He’s horrible. Don’t give him the marriage certificate, he can apply for his own copy.

Channellingsophistication · 30/10/2023 08:37

I’m sorry this has happened to you. It is horrible. You must feel like the rug has been pulled from under you. This happened to me it’s devastating and shocking. I am sorry you recently lost your dad too.

The thing he is saying about your marriage not being good is of course rubbish and part of the script to make himself feel better for leaving. You must remember that. As others have said, it is very likely that he has somebody else. Men rarely leave without having someone else to go to or at least someone in mind.

I hope you have got a few days off work. I was lucky in that my boss was very understanding and I hope yours will be too. Try and eat a little.

You have been given some good advice here about practical matters. But you have to remember that he is only looking out for himself now, so you must do the same and put yourself and DC’s first.

Try and take each day/thing as it comes so you don’t feel too overwhelmed. I hope your DC’s are ok.

I know it won’t feel like it, but you WILL get through this. There is a lot of support here for you.

MissChanandlerB0NG · 30/10/2023 08:40

I hope you're feeling okay this morning, OP. 💗

Isobel89 · 30/10/2023 08:41

OP, I’m so sorry. Been through something v similar after children. DH decided he didn’t like any of his life anymore and I’d never been happy despite appearing v happy for many years. My advice, please do not listen to the gaslighting abuse as they is what nearly killed me. Your children need you OP, they love you and you are valued beyond measure. My exDH was cheating with a married woman from work. These type of people have no morals and you and your children do not deserve this. Much love.

FairyMaclary · 30/10/2023 08:51

Hope you are okay op. It sounds like he has met someone else. He has to rewrite history to remain the good guy in his story. When a lady is telling him how amazing he is, yet he knows he’s a cheating scumbag he will rewrite history to stop the cognitive dissonance.

The accusations are things he would be doing if he was you. He is accusing you from his own perspective. He cannot empathise.

You did not cause this, you could not prevent it.

Do you have any assets in the marriage. For example pensions, savings and investments? If so obtain the documents and take a copy. Especially his pension.

If you leave with £0 or all of the assets he will say you are a greedy money grabber. So best to leave with your full entitlement. He is showing you exactly who he is. Believe him and channel your upset into anger and fight for your FULL share of the assets. It’s now a business relationship only.

Get yourself onto surviving infidelity website and assume he is cheating. He’s boringly predictable.

Take care of yourself. Eat, rest, write down three things you enjoy each day. Hug your family and expect to see this as a trauma. I hope you are okay. You can’t stop a cheater cheating, it’s lack of integrity and honesty and poor values.

StopStartStop · 30/10/2023 08:52

I really don’t know how we’ve got here to this point
We didn't. This is all on him and it needs bear no relationship to the truth, it's just what he enjoys thinking so that he can justify to himself the terrible thing he's doing in leaving you and the children. He's almost certainly going to a woman, even if he's keeping her quiet for now. The 'next bird' is lined up.
Look for legal assistance immediately. Agree to nothing.

Loubelle70 · 30/10/2023 08:55

StopStartStop · 30/10/2023 08:52

I really don’t know how we’ve got here to this point
We didn't. This is all on him and it needs bear no relationship to the truth, it's just what he enjoys thinking so that he can justify to himself the terrible thing he's doing in leaving you and the children. He's almost certainly going to a woman, even if he's keeping her quiet for now. The 'next bird' is lined up.
Look for legal assistance immediately. Agree to nothing.

This

Dannysgirl31 · 30/10/2023 09:03

Sending you so much support! You've got this!

I've had this happen to me too, luckily no children were involved.

Please get solicitor help as soon as you can, I tried to just listen to his demands and his "legal" advice without support and I went through absolute hell. The emotional mind games he used to give me have scarred me and left me for years trying to rebuild the confidence that was erased. It's amazing how you think you know someone and then a completely different person is in front of you.

Don't be hard on yourself and take notice of what's been said...I know it's easier said than done, but you're better than this.
Make sure you eat and drink too!

Isobel89 · 30/10/2023 09:07

I really don’t know how we’ve got here to this point
I said those exact words, OP, but the truth is you had very little to do with this. This type of man in inherently selfish and no matter how ‘perfect’ you could have been, this would have happened at some point. You are worth so much more, he will never be the man you deserve.

PosyPrettyToes · 30/10/2023 09:17

If he's decided he's leaving and told the landlord already, get someone out to change the locks today.

He doesn't get to take any important paperwork. If you can, get the marriage license, passports etc over to your aunt's for safekeeping.

Get a solicitor. He will owe CMS and likely alimony.

It seems he's more bothered about the dog than the children, so personally I would be petty and also focus on trying to keep the dog. Who actually bought it/signed the rescue paperwork? In law, that's who the dog legally belongs to so if that's you, I'd be enforcing ownership asap too.

Bluetrews25 · 30/10/2023 09:17

Please be upfront with your boss/manager - I need a few days off sick due to emotional stress as my husband has walked out.
If they and your colleagues have hearts they will rally round.
You have NOTHING to be ashamed of, it's all on him, the snake.

You can do this.Flowers

GonnaGetGoingReturns · 30/10/2023 09:22

Just seen your updates. Get all your paperwork in order, do not give him the marriage certificate or make anything easy for him at all.

Emotionalsupportviper · 30/10/2023 09:23

SiouxsieSiouxStiletto · 29/10/2023 17:23

things haven’t been ‘good’ but they also haven’t been bad - no one’s cheated, no one’s been abusive - he wants a more free life, and thinks me and the kids are holding him back from experiencing more of life/ the world. I just don’t know what to say or do.

As much as I'd love to believe him. Those are direct quotes from the Adulterers Handbook.

I was going to say the same.

Very few men leave unless they have somewhere to go - and by that, I mean some other woman to pick up after them and cosset them and tell them how wonderful they are.

TheSpikySpinosaurus · 30/10/2023 09:34

That I’ve always been a disgrace of a wife, that I make myself available to other men (have only left the house once without him or the kids in 10 years, and that was a girls dinner down the road), that I’m disloyal, a liar - crazy stuff that isn’t true.

He sounds absolutely vile. None of this stuff is true - he is saying it to make himself feel better about leaving you, as on some level he knows he's being a complete dickhead.

If you have only left the house once witbout him or the dc in ten years, this is not a normal relationship, by the way.

Have a hand hold from me.

I'd use the time while he's out in collecting everything you will need: all the paperwork, copies of bank statements, info about your h's salary, pension, investments, the kids' birth certificates, etc. etc. as you will need them. Book an appt with a solicitor too.

Your h may not just be able to leave your tenancy - he will have signed a contract, just like you did.

Good luck and stay strong.

💐

Emotionalsupportviper · 30/10/2023 09:35

User10932 · 29/10/2023 20:16

That I’ve always been a disgrace of a wife, that I make myself available to other men (have only left the house once without him or the kids in 10 years, and that was a girls dinner down the road), that I’m disloyal, a liar - crazy stuff that isn’t true. I’m trying to defend myself but it’s really difficult when he’s got this crazy view of me today.
he said he doesn’t love me, doesn’t like me touching him, we’ve been housemates for years, he’s never seen me as a wife - only nice thing he said was that he would always regard me as a great mum 🤷🏻‍♀️

He's blaming you so horribly to justify what he KNOWS is his own appalling behaviour.

If he can tell himself that you have been a nightmare to live with (and he will convince himself of this, and will spin that line to his "next bird") then he can justify being an A-hole.

But yes - you are a "good mum" because he won't want to take much (any) responsibility for looking after his children. They will be better off full-time with their "good mum". (I'm sure you are, @User10932 - but this will be his excuse).

Please take the advice of those on here who know what they're talking about and get yourself financially sorted ASAP.

Apart from anything else, doing something practical will help you to deal with the emotional blow you have taken. He's being particularly cruel knowing that you have lost your dad, and are worried about your mam. But of course, he knows that this weakens you and thinks he can now just steamroller you into following his script.

DON'T LET HIM!

Take control, support your poor children, and get your mam onside, too - she will know that something has happened when you speak to her, and trying to soften it, and protect her, will just make her worry more.

NeunundneunzigHorseBallonz · 30/10/2023 09:52

Firstly, don’t sign anything - especially with the landlord - until you have seen a solicitor. If his name is on it with yours, then I believe he can be legally obliged to pay half until lease renewal.

NeunundneunzigHorseBallonz · 30/10/2023 09:54

Don’t bother talking to his family or facilitating grandparent time. He will have to do that from now on. This will take him away from any potential OW (guessing there is definitely one thanks to his conversation this evening) and he won’t be bothered. Maybe your mum can move in with you and she won’t be quite so lonely.

horseyhorsey17 · 30/10/2023 10:04

So sorry to hear this. Stay strong. Sending hugs.

Leopardpj · 30/10/2023 10:09

So sorry OP. On a practical note- he can't just decide the tenancy is 'on you' from now on, so don't worry about that. It's a legal document which he is bound to the terms of, regardless of whether he decides to live there or not.
What an absolute child. So sorry for you and your kids. Get yourself a supportive solicitor and some family/ friends support around you pronto.

Doingitsolo2023 · 30/10/2023 10:11

He doesn't sound like he is husband material. IT WILL GET BETTER & YOU WILL MANAGE WITHOUT HIM.

Me and my partner split a year ago, we had drifted apart the year before and he said the same re wanting to be free etc. He said he wasn't interested in anyone else and I wasnt sure if that was true, but no one has since come out of the woodwork and he has the kids 3 nights every week and is so much better with them now he has to do everything with them. He never had 'time' before and I used to do all the 'family admin' stuff & taking kids places. The kids now spend much more quality time with him as he has to make time.

I was living in his house so I moved out, now I'm settled and I'm so much happier and enjoying finding my own routine etc.

Are you in the UK? Have a look at Universal Credit as they pay quite a bit esp if you already work. They help / pay rent etc too.

How old are the kids?

CaveMum · 30/10/2023 10:12

I’m so sorry to read this OP. What an utter shit of a human being your H is.

You’ve been given lots of good advice from people who have sadly been in your shoes too - take it. Think of the posters here as your personal advisors, they’ve seen and heard it all and with their help you can be on the front foot through this.

Be honest with your children, in an age appropriate way. Be up front with friends/family/work - make it clear he has walked out and left you all in the shit, he does not deserve you covering for him - there’s is no shame for you, it’s all on him.

Try to eat and drink, you won’t feel like it but you must. Start getting those ducks in a row and hold your head up high - he’s fucked with the wrong woman, make sure he regrets it.

WhycantIkeepthisbloodyplantalive · 30/10/2023 10:23

OP, I'm so sorry you are having to go through this.
he's trying to paint you as the perpetrator to give him a justification for leaving.

I know it probably doesn't help, but I'd be absolutely dumbfounded if he didn't have somebody lined up (despite the denial you will inevitably hear). Apparently men end everything as quickly as possible when in this scenario so they can't have their mind changed and can report back that everything has ended, he is now single and neither of them are morally corrupt.

He is behaving absolutely disgustingly. He has children who rely on him and love him and he just wants to walk out on his family?! Disgraceful.

If he had been that unhappy, then it was his responsibility to address the issues when they cropped up. He is a weak, selfish man!! You do not just walk out on a family this abruptly if you are a decent human being.

WhycantIkeepthisbloodyplantalive · 30/10/2023 10:24

.

horseyhorsey17 · 30/10/2023 10:35

It's irrelevant whether he's actually met someone else or not - I'm sure it might hurt if he has but tbh he couldn't have been a bigger arse anyway if he tried, and the priority is to get you and your kids sorted now.

I don't think he can just unilaterally announce that he's not paying rent on your house after two months. He will owe you child support and probably alimony. Speak to a solicitor ASAP - you get that free half an hour, speak to more than one. Also speak to the Child Support Agency and Citizens Advice, and apply for Child Benefit and Universal Credit now as it takes a couple of months to get set up.

Raverquaver · 30/10/2023 10:36

Jesus what have I just read! What a solid gold sh*t he is. Tell the prick if he's leaving then he's taking the kids with him. My heart breaks for you OP, what the hell is wrong with him.