Hand hold please…

[User10932]

DH is currently upstairs packing his stuff to move out - things haven’t been good for a while. Kids in the dining room, carving pumpkins, none the wiser. Im locked in the bathroom, quietly crying to myself, so no one hears. How do things turn out so bad, when you start off so amazing?

Yes. The 'so long as' OP 'makes things easy' is dreadful. That's not how a divorce court will see it. OP and the children have been deserted.

As you say, painful though this is, the OP needs to book an appointment with a solicitor straight away in order to protect her rights.

I also believe there’s someone waiting in the wings. He’s DARVOing like it’s his full time job!

Sadly, all the things he’s telling you, appear to be his shortcomings and failings, but he can’t see this! And he’s not even a good father either!

50/50 custody with the kids doing a week with you, then a week with him, would be excellent, although would of course impact on your benefit entitlements, so it may be better if you approach this as you having the kids for 9 days per fortnight and he has them for 7 days per fortnight, preferably with him having them at least one weekend.

Of course, it could work out better if he has them EVERY weekend, from Friday after school (so he does school pick up and will have to navigate his job accordingly) until Sunday midday one weekend (so you get to have fun with them too) and from Friday after school until Monday morning (he’ll have to drop them off but again, he needs to negotiate with his work, just like other single parents do!).

He might not like this plan, so make sure that it’s documented with your solicitor writing to him/his solicitor, because the courts will take a dim view of a parent saying they don’t want as much custody/weekends because he wants a “free” and single life to do whatever at weekends. You on the other hand, will come across as being very reasonable and wanting to ensure that you promote and foster good relationships between your DC and your STBXH.

Don’t make it easy for him and don’t allow him to DARVO. Just say “OK” and don’t argue, cry, ask him to come back. He’ll hate it that you don’t try to defend yourself.

Have a notebook and wrote every interaction down, date, time, what he said, etc. This will be useful later.

Finally, don’t allow him to see you’re upset! Start wearing makeup (if you don’t already), dye your hair a different colour (if you want too of course), basically always look like your best self, to show him that you’re not only managing the kids, but you’re living your best life!

EDIT: he is also responsible for half the rent until the lease is up. Make sure that if he defaults on the rent, it’s on his credit file, not yours. He might want to walk away, but he literally can’t leave you in the lurch as far as the rent goes. Plus, you might be able to get housing benefit and some kind of council tax rebate as well.

I'm sorry that you're going through this OP.

Be wary - he might try to fool you into doing everything through 'his' people.

My late husband's ex first had an emotional affair and then spent the night with her AP at a work-related event.

DH and his ex supposedly split amicably - my husband left the family home and then took out a mortgage on a place of his own. Their children were adults and she earned a bit more than him by then, so there was no question of him having to pay her maintenance and there was no way that he was going to pursue her for money.

He agreed that the ex could get a friend to value their house and he allowed her solicitor to handle the "no-fault" divorce. A good while later, he found out that the friend had undervalued the house and he had lost a great deal of money because of that. (His ex waited a short time and sold the house for nearly twice the amount that it was supposedly worth. She was able to buy herself a smaller but lovely house in a good area, whereas he was stuck with a mortgage.)

She also tried to control the narrative with family and friends. The adult kids never did twig what had really happened, in spite of the fact that the ex is now with her 4th partner.

Another thing - once the ex saw that my husband was moving on with his life, she gave him 'the opportunity' to get back together again. He saw through the ploy.

Your STBEH is clearly very controlling. Be prepared for him trying something similar.

Basically, don't be 'nice'. Get your own solicitor.

Firstly, I’m so sorry! ❤️❤️❤️

How old are your kids? I’ve been in the exact same position at your DD where it was obvious something was going on between my parents (he left- similar circumstances exactly and time of year) but hadn’t been told what it was. It made me angry and anxious and would’ve been a lot easier on me had my mum actually been honest with me instead of keeping it a secret.

we just lost my dad a couple of months ago, so my mum is really struggling herself

And he's walking away?

From reading your posts, @User10932, I think you have had a lucky escape from an abusive man.

One day at a time. Keep things as normal as you can for the DC. Try to eat something yourself (Weetabix?) at times vaguely like mealtimes. This is a shock. You need to keep your body in working order. Rest if you can. Cry. Play music. Tread water for the time being.

It is very early days. Just hang on in there. MNetters are here for you.

Yes, he has a laundry list of awful things OP apparently is and has done, but he had to throw in that she is a good mum otherwise he can't justify leaving them with her. He's a liar, just pure walking trash.

My ex had an affair last year. I moved out fairly quickly and his affair fizzled and burned not long after.

You have had such good advice and support on here.

I second getting your own solicitor, do not fall for that scam that if you make things easy for him, he will look after you. That clearly isn’t true given his last message about the rent.

Please focus for now on protecting your assets and finances, you have to expect he is going to be ruthless in pursuit of the best outcome for him.

It must have been very hard for him
to leave the children happily carving pumpkins. This will be why he is saying such awful things to you, he can’t bear to feel responsible for all of the pain he is causing, he can’t live with it, so he is blaming you. Ofc none of this is your fault.

He will be bankrolling two houses soon, which is why he is giving you notice. He can’t afford to run two households and CM. Shame that he will have to fulfil his legal obligations on the tenancy first. Under no circumstances agree to have him removed. This buys you vital time to organise where you will live in the future.

He has been planning this for a while, and has dropped this on you hoping the shock will benefit him.

I hope you have told your Mum. She will want to be there for you 💐

Well considering he's presumably had all these plans to leave tonight, he's not done a very good job of it has he?!

Sounds like it's all been done as a big act to cause you as much upset as possible @User10932

Packing bags, storming out with one dog (what's that about?) clearly without any idea about where he was going as the next thing he's back again with the dog to sit and search for flats to rent - so he hadn't thought any of that through already then?

Going about it all arse about tit really, isn't he? Has something or someone rattled his cage, specifically today, for him to decide he's going to create all this drama just to end up still in the family home anyway? Because it feels like he's angry and is determined to make sure you get the brunt of that anger OP.

I'd just leave him to get on with his little hissy fit and tell him that now you are aware of his feelings you'll make your own plans accordingly and leave him to get on with his. He won't expect that reaction, so he won't know what to do with it, but don't give him the satisfaction of being the blubbering mess he's trying to make you.

I agree with what people are saying. Take a couple of days off sick if you are able. Find a really good solicitor, maybe female, who will enjoy getting as much out of him as possible.

Take copies of all paperwork of his earnings including p60 and any assets including savings in his bank account. Stash this along with your and your kid’s passports, birth certificates, your financial information and earnings record at your mum’s house.

Contact the letting agent and inform them that you know your husband cannot remove himself from the lease and that he is responsible as much as you for paying the rent.

How long have you been in the house? Is it relatively new and you’re on the AST contract, fixed term or a rolling tenancy?

He seems to think he has no obligation to you and the children. Get a solicitor and start getting sorted.
He sounds awful. You’re going to be so much happier without him. He’s been holding you back.

Oh he sounds vile.

Do you think he went to the OW (there will definitely be one) and she said "no dogs" ?

I know it doesn't sound like it, but one day (not too far away) you will look back and realise you are better off without him.

Lots of good advice here. Call work, explain briefly, get a solicitor appointment booked. Spend tomorrow getting all your paperwork together (and put it where he can't find it), and fund out what benefits you are entitled to.

Sending a handhold and gentle hugs. He really is a first class bastard and you deserve so much better.

Hi op

I just want to add that I am in the same exact position as you right now. DH together 17 years and I found texts and other things to at least 2 other women during the summer. Our youngest was 2 months old at the time. Of course he acted exactly how yours is blaming me for being a shit wife in which I responded should I neglect the children to cater to you.

He responded the same way as yours looking at apartments and saying he would pay temporarily. However he spent a few days out of the home and realised what he had done. I allowed him back but only because I'm getting myself organised silently. The tenancy was coming to an end at this house and I needed his name on the new one to get somewhere else sorted, we get the keys to new place today. I told him 2 days ago that I want him to leave asap once the move is done here. He obviously thought I would just move on from what he has done. Now he is saying he will move but also wants to stay for Christmas and children's birthdays. I told him he should have thought of that because they've got the rest of their life's which is not changed because of him.

So sorry your going through this aswell I haven't even been able to eat for the past few days and trying to maintain I'm happy for the children to enjoy Halloween etc and the move is also not easy for them.

Why are men such assholes

So sorry you’re going through this, OP.

There has been some great advice so far.

Hope you can get some much needed RL support over the next few weeks. 💐

I doubt that he'd have traipsed off to some OW's place with the dog and then got a surprise when she turned him away because of said dog.

For one thing, I'm sure he'd have arranged it beforehand if that was the case. And for another, if that was what happened, I'm pretty sure he'd have just come back to dump the dog and then go again - rather than coming back to start looking for places to rent for himself.

I would take tomorrow off you need sometime to grieve but also to look at your finances. See if you are entitled to any UC, childcare help etc. Also look at maintenance and see what you eoujj lo d be entitled to long term from your dh. You need to see if you can afford to keep your house on.

Definitely another woman. The blaming you is a tell tale sign. If he was unhappy he'd say look, things aren't working out, I'm unhappy. Let's separate and work out how best to do this.
The looking for flats in your own home suggest he had had his head turned, a coupe de foudre? An available single woman would be able to accommodate him if she was in love with him. Perhaps a married woman who is not ready or able to take the plunge of leaving her husband.?
She'll most likely be someone you know but wouldn't suspect as being the OW. May even be an emotional affair .
Call in work, its after all an emergency situation and you really cannot function with everything that's happening right now.
As mentioned before, get legal advice, find out what you're entitled to re benefits.
So sorry this is happening to you and your children.
.

Hes projecting OP. He is definitely seeing someone else.

Im sorry you are going through this op. I was in your almost exact position 10 years ago and my dad had recently died too. There's not a day goes by that I'm not glad he left. Of course there was another woman and has been several since. He's miserable as sin and has aged 20 years since the day he left. My advice is to contact a solicitor, go to entitled.com and see if you are eligible for any benefits and put in a claim for child maintenance.focusing on the practicalities really helps. Don't make any excuses for him to anyone. Hopefully he will leave today but I'm betting the OW wasn't as welcoming as he'd counted on. Regardless of her, your marriage is over and now you can take steps to secure your future happiness without him. He sounds like a nasty piece of shit and I'm betting he was an emotionally abusive bastard to you all along but you might not have seen it for what it was. These men are very good at painting their victims as the problem

You’ve had some amazing advice on here OP. What an utter bastard.
My friends husband rewrote history as well, and he did have another woman on the side, who he is now married to. He said the most awful things and they do this to justify their actions. TWATS.
Please find your anger and look after you and the kids. I guarantee he will try and worm his way back one day soon, especially if you’re strong and resilient and very “well we can live without you, so off you pop”

Yes yes. My step father had affair but blamed the kids!!! Projecting.
OP he took the dog and his new squeeze has said no when he turned up with said dog, probably that her tenancy doesn't allow animals..so he trundled back and fooked off again. Definitely affair. Sadly when people have affairs they are already a foot out the door...this affair had been happening for months OP. Probably met her when out with his mates. His mates know. Get your ducks in line. Dont inflict him on your kids and let him come back. It will happen again.
I wish i was near you, id meet you for coffee and chat, you need a friend.

Duh! Didn’t read all your posts. My bad.

He is deflecting, quickly blaming you before anyone starts rightly blaming him. Sorry but there is already/ has been another woman, I’d be sure if it.
You will survive this OP but he really is a piece of shit.

Very odd to take a dog if you’re planning on staying in a hotel.
Sorry, OP, but his behaviour is the shittiest possible. He’s a coward not speaking to the children, an undercurrent of a threat to you of losing your home.
You need to see a solicitor asap.

Well done 3little

@FSTraining has it spot on, all of it. Follow her list and do not listen to one more utterance from this vile pig of a “man”. I’m sure you must feel totally shellshocked op, but you WILL get through this.

@AbbeyGailsParty Very shrewd observation about the dog.

@User10932 How are you this morning? Thinking of you and hope you've had a chance to read all the sound advice offered.

You are probably reeling from the shock of it all and the temptation to bury your head in the sand will be great but please, summon all your strength and start thinking practically for you and the DC. He is not your friend now, has checked out of your marriage and is several steps ahead. Protect yourself. Xx