Page 10 | Hand hold please…

User10932 · 2023-10-29T17:04:16+00:00

DH is currently upstairs packing his stuff to move out - things haven’t been good for a while. Kids in the dining room, carving pumpkins, none the wiser. Im locked in the bathroom, quietly crying to myself, so no one hears. How do things turn out so bad, when you start off so amazing?

Original poster

User10932 · 30/10/2023 16:32

@VitoCorleoneOfMNMafia very interesting you say this!!! He has recently been saying about podcasts he’s been listening too and how it’s men talking about how women have fucked their lives out, and he keeps making all these bizarre comments about how I’m out for his money and I’m a user and all women are the same??

last night got very nasty - he was telling me all the women he’s going to fuck, describing them and how they look (even the girl who works behind the supermarket cigarette counter!). Then said he wants to fuck people I know so I have to walk past them knowing he’s fucked them….

stupidly I went to work today to try to keep things normal - he took a pic of our marriage certificate and then showed me an email from his divorce solicitor that he’s already instructed - he reckons we’ll be divorced by Wednesday. What the hell has happened to my life?!

OP posts:

Original poster

User10932 · 30/10/2023 16:34

@Terraria is he one of those dad who leaves all the childcare, house chores to the wife because he earns a lot more than you and complain not annoying life with you anymore because you are always busy to do everything in the house and never get any child free time like he does? A man who suffer from mid-life crisis and blame everything on the wife? He finds out you can be blamed for his cheating? All sounds so familiar 🙄

basically summed it up in one sentence!

OP posts:

Fkalfkfcnmoo59600789 · 30/10/2023 16:37

@User10932 id take the prick for everything he has with those comments he said to you last night. Don’t let this go without a fight
go and see a solicitor and instruct them on what you want out of the divorce.
Your husband is a dirty pig.

gotmychristmasmiracle · 30/10/2023 16:37

He really does sound like he's lost the plot?! Is he drinking or on drugs? Very bizarre! Hope your okay and good on you for going to work and not letting him tear your world apart! Xx

pearshapedmim · 30/10/2023 16:37

User10932 · 30/10/2023 16:32

@VitoCorleoneOfMNMafia very interesting you say this!!! He has recently been saying about podcasts he’s been listening too and how it’s men talking about how women have fucked their lives out, and he keeps making all these bizarre comments about how I’m out for his money and I’m a user and all women are the same??

last night got very nasty - he was telling me all the women he’s going to fuck, describing them and how they look (even the girl who works behind the supermarket cigarette counter!). Then said he wants to fuck people I know so I have to walk past them knowing he’s fucked them….

stupidly I went to work today to try to keep things normal - he took a pic of our marriage certificate and then showed me an email from his divorce solicitor that he’s already instructed - he reckons we’ll be divorced by Wednesday. What the hell has happened to my life?!

Op please take further action with this.

Change the locks
Contact women's aid - this is abuse. He doesn't have to be violent.
Block him on everything. Your phone included. Create an email address that can be used purely for discussing the children. Be firm - make sure he knows this is for the children and any other arrangements that need to be made. If he ignores this request from you, it can be classed as harassment so you could contact the police.
Go to cms. Don't wait for him to start paying. Get straight onto universal credit also.
If YOU feel he can see the dc and are safe with him, arrange a 3rd party to help you with drop offs/collections. I wouldn't be pushing for him to see the dc personally.

I'm so sorry op. He is an absolute disgusting vile piece of shit.

Please don't allow yourself to be alone with him again.

TheShellBeach · 30/10/2023 16:42

OP you need to stay off work, find a solicitor, contact Women's Aid, change the locks, apply for UC, block your ex on everything and take a deep breath.

You will be seriously fucked over by him if not. You need to be once step ahead.

He has been planning this for ages.

Original poster

User10932 · 30/10/2023 16:42

@gotmychristmasmiracle drinking a lot! Around 8- 12 pints a night at the moment.

A part of me is scared to start changing things ie the locks, contacting UC etc, because what if this is a mid life crisis (started a new hobby recently, a new company, is trying to change everything in his life) and this is just a blip of madness? Although how would I ever forgive or trust him after the comments he’s made??

OP posts:

TheShellBeach · 30/10/2023 16:44

User10932 · 30/10/2023 16:42

@gotmychristmasmiracle drinking a lot! Around 8- 12 pints a night at the moment.

A part of me is scared to start changing things ie the locks, contacting UC etc, because what if this is a mid life crisis (started a new hobby recently, a new company, is trying to change everything in his life) and this is just a blip of madness? Although how would I ever forgive or trust him after the comments he’s made??

Do you actually want him back though?
Surely not.

Original poster

User10932 · 30/10/2023 16:45

He made a comment in the week (we were talking about buying a house!!!) and he then randomly said, if we split and I came after him for anything, he’s got nothing on paper - everything is in SIL or DSDs bank accounts. What a random thing to say when we were talking about buying a house together??

OP posts:

CarPour · 30/10/2023 16:49

But why would you want someone back who's said those things to you, treated you, your dc and your dogs that way? He's vile

Even if it is a midlife crisis that doesn't make it forgivable, a midlife crisis doesn't force people to to treat their families like this. Even if it's a psychotic episode your life is worth more than being some man's punching bag. He's deliberately saying these things to hurt you, this is abuse.

He probably will at some point come crawling back, likely when he realises he can't actually fuck the woman in the cigarette counter in tesco. You need to stay firm.

pearshapedmim · 30/10/2023 16:49

User10932 · 30/10/2023 16:42

@gotmychristmasmiracle drinking a lot! Around 8- 12 pints a night at the moment.

A part of me is scared to start changing things ie the locks, contacting UC etc, because what if this is a mid life crisis (started a new hobby recently, a new company, is trying to change everything in his life) and this is just a blip of madness? Although how would I ever forgive or trust him after the comments he’s made??

Op please please don't think like this.

We all struggle with our mental health but it is NEVER as excuse to treat anyone badly. In this case appallingly. Lots of people have a crisis and they don't take it out on those you love.

My exH recently told me he was going to go kill himself and his death would be on my hands. All because I won't take him back. I called the police. Didn't even have to question it. He isn't a well man. He never has been. But why should I let him treat me like absolute dirt? Why should I take all his abuse? What about me? The same applies to you. You matter here.

You have to look after you and the dc here.

If and that's a big if....you ever wanted to think about being with him again....he would 100% need to work for it. You cant just forgive like nothings changed. And he won't change. Men like him don't. It would be the worst mistake you could ever make as he would only think he can treat you however he wants and you will just put it up with it. I can guarantee things would only get worse.

Start preparing your life now as a single woman. I know it's sad. But it has to be done.

Original poster

User10932 · 30/10/2023 16:49

@TheShellBeach honestly, I have no clue. My brain, heart, body - everything - just hasn’t even had a chance to process any of this! Without being crude, we’ve been intimate 3 times last week, and we’re looking at properties to buy… the next day, he’s divorcing me. I’m absolutely frazzled. My chest physically hurts.
I’ve heard him on the phone a number of times telling people that we’re split and there’s no point in trying as nothing will change (not sure who he was talking to or what’s been said on the other side). I haven’t told anyone yet. I’m so embarrassed. It’s my second divorce and according to him, a pattern that the problem is me. (First husband we married at 21, stupidly, and divorced a couple of years later when he cheated).

OP posts:

gotmychristmasmiracle · 30/10/2023 16:51

User10932 · 30/10/2023 16:42

@gotmychristmasmiracle drinking a lot! Around 8- 12 pints a night at the moment.

A part of me is scared to start changing things ie the locks, contacting UC etc, because what if this is a mid life crisis (started a new hobby recently, a new company, is trying to change everything in his life) and this is just a blip of madness? Although how would I ever forgive or trust him after the comments he’s made??

This isn't rationale behaviour and does sound intimidating and unsafe. Drink 8-12 pints an evening must be verging on alcoholic territory and I don't think I would want that round my children or myself. Please get in touch with family or women's aid and explain your situation.

CarPour · 30/10/2023 16:56

Don't believe the things he's telling you. Remember they are all designed to hurt you and are essentially just the ravings of a pathetic, angry man who wants to blame everyone but himself for his unhappiness.

Remember he has made this choice. There's nothing wrong with divorcing multiple men, better that than stay with an abuser or a cheat.

If you've put him off women for life that's his problem, not yours, if he wants to fuck every woman in the UK go ahead, again not your concern. Your concern now is keeping you and your DC safe. Start with women's aid. You need to find a solicitor. But first change the locks. He sounds at best an alcoholic

SingleMum11 · 30/10/2023 16:59

This sounds intense, volatile and unsafe.

You are still in contact with him? You should not I’m afraid. Contact your local women’s centre and grey rock him, look up grey rock technique.

I think you must also be in a very emotional space so you will need to be careful. I think it will be very, very easy to sleep with him again, to talk with him, to exchange emotional texts.

I would look to your children and decide for the next few months to be a parent number one and keep conflict well away from them and you, which means even when they are in another room or asleep you should not be engaging with him.

JustACountryMusicGirlInCowboyBoots · 30/10/2023 17:03

Sounds like he's been planning this a while. The advice here is very good. You'll be fine

AutumnFroglets · 30/10/2023 17:08

Oh gosh OP, he's really doing a number on you. Why would you want someone like him back? You think the children can't hear him? Of course they can. They will hear the contempt he has for you and therefore for them. Do NOT take him back until he has had therapy and possibly medication from his GP. All that will take at least a year of him working on himself, by himself.

Based on him being so nasty about screwing other women who you know I would contact Women's Aid (phone, chat or email is available) as he has tipped right over into abuse. What he said is not normal.

As others are saying, he has planned this. He was probably hoping to get funds together under the guise of buying a house and running off with a lump sum. Please check your credit scores in case he's taken out a loan in your name. Take the day off and start focusing on the practicalities, he's months ahead of you.

EDIT i wonder if this extra layer of nastiness is because the OW has turned him away. He left but now he's back but looking at rentals. He took the dog pretending to go to a hotel but hotels usually don't take dogs, and now he's extra angry and hateful to all women instead of just you. He's been spurned. Guaranteed.

SlightlyJaded · 30/10/2023 17:09

You WILL be fine OP.

Something that helped my friend stay strong (especially after he tried to come crawling back after 3 months when his laundry bin was overflowing and things weren't so rosy wiht the OW) was to write down ALL the hideous things he is saying to you and note how they make you feel.

If you met this version of your H now, you would not even be friends with this man. If he was on a tv programme or in a book, he would be the villain - despised by everyoine. Whether this is a blip or his true colours coming out (FWIW - I believe this is the new and real version of him) - he has this much hate for you inside of him. I know that is a painful thought but hang on to it if you need to stay strong. He is not worth your pain. He is not what you thought he was. I am so fucking sorry.

VitoCorleoneOfMNMafia · 30/10/2023 17:28

User10932 · 30/10/2023 16:42

@gotmychristmasmiracle drinking a lot! Around 8- 12 pints a night at the moment.

A part of me is scared to start changing things ie the locks, contacting UC etc, because what if this is a mid life crisis (started a new hobby recently, a new company, is trying to change everything in his life) and this is just a blip of madness? Although how would I ever forgive or trust him after the comments he’s made??

Although how would I ever forgive or trust him after the comments he’s made??

You can't. Get them locks changed.

pearshapedmim · 30/10/2023 17:32

I don't think anyone should be too hard on op for thinking about taking him back should this be a mental blip or whatever else.

It's so easy for all of us to say leave, change the locks and whatever else but we are not living this. I went back when you all said I shouldn't. It's hard.

All of us sat typing on this thread have absolutely no emptional connection to this 'man' whatsoever but the op does. She has years of it.

We know she should never ever go back but please don't ask her 'why would you ever want too?'

Her life has just been turned upside down. I'm pretty sure she would do anything to reverse it right now.

Newestname002 · 30/10/2023 17:37

User10932 · 30/10/2023 16:49

@TheShellBeach honestly, I have no clue. My brain, heart, body - everything - just hasn’t even had a chance to process any of this! Without being crude, we’ve been intimate 3 times last week, and we’re looking at properties to buy… the next day, he’s divorcing me. I’m absolutely frazzled. My chest physically hurts.
I’ve heard him on the phone a number of times telling people that we’re split and there’s no point in trying as nothing will change (not sure who he was talking to or what’s been said on the other side). I haven’t told anyone yet. I’m so embarrassed. It’s my second divorce and according to him, a pattern that the problem is me. (First husband we married at 21, stupidly, and divorced a couple of years later when he cheated).

OP you are in shock and, understandably, feeling unable to process all the horrible things which are currently being said and done to you. This man hasn't just woken up and decided to take action - I agree with other posters - he has planned this. He's not just having a momentary brainstorm- he's doing all of this on purpose, to you and his children.

I know it's hard and you're trying to make sense of things and you're worried about your children but you do need to protect yourself and your children by taking action - they've been suggested by posted up front.

Firstly: check your bank accounts - one thing vengeful people (often men) do, is clear the bank accounts. If there's still money in any joint accounts transfer at least half into an account that only you have access to. Then change the password to your account. If you don't have an account it's easy to open one online.

Next: Take some time off work - you will need the time and energy to take the practical steps suggested by posters.

Then: get your door locks changed otherwise there's nothing stopping him from coming and going as he pleases.

I’m so embarrassed.
Don't feel embarrassed at all. You are definitely not at fault here.

Tell as many supportive people as you can about what's happening to you. Not only will this help you believe it's happening, but you will get the help, practical and emotional, that you need. Don't hide this situation from family and friends - you need the support to be able to take the steps you need to put in place, including telling the children what's happening - and that can also help with those.

Tell your manager, when you say you need time, what is happening (to some degree) so you can get some compassionate leave from them or self-certificate yourself sick for a few days. Work is important yes but you need a little time and space to put in place the steps you need to survive the next few days.

Take a deep breath OP - you can do this, one step at a time. 🌹

90sbab8 · 30/10/2023 17:41

User10932 · 30/10/2023 16:32

@VitoCorleoneOfMNMafia very interesting you say this!!! He has recently been saying about podcasts he’s been listening too and how it’s men talking about how women have fucked their lives out, and he keeps making all these bizarre comments about how I’m out for his money and I’m a user and all women are the same??

last night got very nasty - he was telling me all the women he’s going to fuck, describing them and how they look (even the girl who works behind the supermarket cigarette counter!). Then said he wants to fuck people I know so I have to walk past them knowing he’s fucked them….

stupidly I went to work today to try to keep things normal - he took a pic of our marriage certificate and then showed me an email from his divorce solicitor that he’s already instructed - he reckons we’ll be divorced by Wednesday. What the hell has happened to my life?!

What an arrogant arse! Assuming that these women would actually want to f**k him! 😂

Emotionalsupportviper · 30/10/2023 17:53

User10932 · 30/10/2023 16:32

@VitoCorleoneOfMNMafia very interesting you say this!!! He has recently been saying about podcasts he’s been listening too and how it’s men talking about how women have fucked their lives out, and he keeps making all these bizarre comments about how I’m out for his money and I’m a user and all women are the same??

last night got very nasty - he was telling me all the women he’s going to fuck, describing them and how they look (even the girl who works behind the supermarket cigarette counter!). Then said he wants to fuck people I know so I have to walk past them knowing he’s fucked them….

stupidly I went to work today to try to keep things normal - he took a pic of our marriage certificate and then showed me an email from his divorce solicitor that he’s already instructed - he reckons we’ll be divorced by Wednesday. What the hell has happened to my life?!

he was telling me all the women he’s going to fuck, describing them and how they look (even the girl who works behind the supermarket cigarette counter!). Then said he wants to fuck people I know so I have to walk past them knowing he’s fucked them

And I'm sure he will.

A prince like him - they're already lining up, taking a number and waiting patiently in a queue, no doubt.

Emotionalsupportviper · 30/10/2023 17:54

User10932 · 30/10/2023 16:32

@VitoCorleoneOfMNMafia very interesting you say this!!! He has recently been saying about podcasts he’s been listening too and how it’s men talking about how women have fucked their lives out, and he keeps making all these bizarre comments about how I’m out for his money and I’m a user and all women are the same??

last night got very nasty - he was telling me all the women he’s going to fuck, describing them and how they look (even the girl who works behind the supermarket cigarette counter!). Then said he wants to fuck people I know so I have to walk past them knowing he’s fucked them….

stupidly I went to work today to try to keep things normal - he took a pic of our marriage certificate and then showed me an email from his divorce solicitor that he’s already instructed - he reckons we’ll be divorced by Wednesday. What the hell has happened to my life?!

Keep every e-mail and text.

WearyAuldWumman · 30/10/2023 18:01

Divorced by Wednesday? In which universe, I wonder.