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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Hand hold please…

278 replies

User10932 · 29/10/2023 17:04

DH is currently upstairs packing his stuff to move out - things haven’t been good for a while. Kids in the dining room, carving pumpkins, none the wiser. Im locked in the bathroom, quietly crying to myself, so no one hears. How do things turn out so bad, when you start off so amazing?

OP posts:
HowcanIhelp123 · 29/10/2023 22:00

Just because he sends an email doesn't mean he can do it.

He cannot take himself off a tenancy without your agreement if you're in a fixed term. If its a rolling he can give 2 months notice and then its up to you to decide if you want to arrange a new tenancy agreement yourself. If you're mid fixed term I'd reply to the email making it clear you do not consent to him being taken off.

Put his details in CMS calculator and see what maintenance he owes. Also look on benefits calculators. Call the council and see what you can do about getting on the housing waiting list. Hide all essential paperwork. Get them out the house if you can. Certificates, passports. Stash them at your mums. Take copies of financial records.

SiouxsieSiouxStiletto · 29/10/2023 22:01

You've had some great advice already on this thread. One thing I would add is changing the locks. There should be YouTube videos on how to do it.

All the things he's said about you, apart from being a great Mum, are utter lies. He's just trying to justify his horrendous behaviour.

You will get stronger and you will come to realise that you're much better off without him Flowers

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 29/10/2023 22:19

User10932 · 29/10/2023 17:19

Thank you 🥲.

They’ve asked him to help carve pumpkins, he said he’s busy at the moment (didn’t say he’s busy leaving our lives!).

I think a hotel, but he also said he’s moving all his stuff out now to his work storage unit. Said by the end of the week, he should be completely gone.

things haven’t been ‘good’ but they also haven’t been bad - no one’s cheated, no one’s been abusive - he wants a more free life, and thinks me and the kids are holding him back from experiencing more of life/ the world. I just don’t know what to say or do.

What a selfish man

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 29/10/2023 22:20

TwilightSkies · 29/10/2023 17:25

Be prepared he is cheating or at least having an emotional affair. Men don’t usually leave unless they have another woman in the wings.

I agree especially not in such a rush

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 29/10/2023 22:21

User10932 · 29/10/2023 17:54

Trying to think practically - I’m not sure if I can face work tomorrow. Do I need to call my GP or do I just not go in? Do I need to tell work what’s happened??

Call in sick with whatever you have tomorrow I imagine it will be headache or tummy ache x

yhk · 29/10/2023 22:22

User10932 · 29/10/2023 17:54

Trying to think practically - I’m not sure if I can face work tomorrow. Do I need to call my GP or do I just not go in? Do I need to tell work what’s happened??

You wouldn't need to call your GP at this stage.

You can self-certificate for up to 7 days. The notice that you give to declare your absence will depend on your company's attendance policy, and no, you don't have to tell them what is going on!

Wishing you all the best OP.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 29/10/2023 22:23

He sounds horrible abusive especially as he's isolated you.

When the dust has settled please reach out to old
Friends xx

Petallove · 29/10/2023 22:28

I don’t think it’s helpful to speculate if there is someone else. What matters now is you. Look at gingerbread single parent helpline they were fab when I went through this. Tell him he can’t take the dog because of the other one. Get him to go to family or where ever. If you have a mortgage I think he has to continue to pay. Call a solicitor asap. I have been there and it does get better but hard at first. You can do this. You deserve more x

Mischance · 29/10/2023 22:28

Do not waste any energy on trying to justify yourself - just let him rabbit on.

AnneValentine · 29/10/2023 22:29

User10932 · 29/10/2023 19:00

He’s just emailed our landlord, and copied me to say he’s moving out, and that the tenancy is fully on me, but he will pay for the next two months. All happening very quickly - can’t get my head around it!!!

If you’re in the middle of a lease he cannot do that. The lease has to run its term.

Raisinganiguana · 29/10/2023 22:33

This is brilliant news op. Sure, it doesn’t feel like it, but it is. Because you’re worth more than this. You’re worth more than being controlled, having no friends and doubting yourself. It’ll be hard at first but I promise you a year or so down the line you’ll be like the many single parents I’ve met saying ‘thank fuck. I am me again.’

Ignore the controlling behaviours such as asking for a marriage certificate (new flash, you don’t need it and if you did that’s his problem now not yours ) or looking for flats to rent. Just stay calm, collected and make no rash moves. Nothing needs sorting immediately. Deep breath, you’ve got this.

momtoboys · 29/10/2023 22:35

I'm sorry this is happening. Please be prepared for other reasons for his leaving surface before too long.

SlightlyJaded · 29/10/2023 22:38

I can't believe that you have only left the house ONCE in ten years without him or the DC. That - and the fact that you have no friends - tells us all that you have been in a controlled and abusive relationship for a very long time.

I know it doesn't feel like it now, but this narcissistic fuck removing himself from your life will be a blessing. Many of us had to battle for YEARS to be rid of pricks like this who are quite comfortable at home being obeyed, and may never get the chance at freedom again - or at least not for many many years.

I know you are devastated and in shock, but I PROMISE you - this is a good thing in the long run. Once you are through this painful bit, you will realise how much life you've been missing out on and start to reclaim your happiness.

Theokaycokey · 29/10/2023 22:45

I think that he's angry at you because you haven't cheated and he possibly has, and he wants to deflect all his guilt onto you. Or if he hasn't cheated, he's angry because he's clearly realising that it's shit of him to leave and he can't take the responsibility. It's gaslighting behaviour. Have you told him to make sure that he gets a 2-3 bedroom place so that he can have 50% custody of the kids, whilst you finally get to enjoy some bloody freedom!
He won't just get away with paying two months rent. He will end up paying much more in the long run. It sounds like he really hasn't thought this through. That said there can be no going back after what he's said to you. It's unforgivable. At least you won't be wavering. Although it's a shock, you will soon feel angry rather than sad. And with anger comes power and control, which it sounds as though you have been lacking for a very long time. You have your kids and they will always appreciate you being the one who was there for them. You need to take a week off work. It's not just the emotional aspect, but as well as single handedly raising the kids, you also have a whole load of things to sort out at very short notice - bills, rent, your housing situation, solicitors etc. He sounds awful.

RosesAndHellebores · 29/10/2023 22:48

He sounds an utterly heel to you and the dc. Setting aside the emotions for now op, although not minimising them and also repeating what others have said.

  1. Tomorrow you call work and say you are unwell due to non work related stress.
  1. You collate all documents, bank statements, his payslips if you can get your hands on them, passports, dc's birth certificates, etc.
  1. You ensure all money that is yours is in your account.
  1. You list all essential outgoings, and what you bring in. There will be a shortfall- it will be helpful to identify this.
  1. You make an appointment to see a solicitor.
  1. You change the locks.
  1. You also let the DC's school know so their teachers can keep an eye on them and have their backs.

The email to the landlord makes me suspect he's in debt/in something over his head and needs to get away - other woman or not.

You will be on an emotional roller coaster and any of us dissing him is not helpful tonight.

Kind thoughts Flowers

TeaGinandFags · 29/10/2023 22:48

So the trash is taking itself out?

Couldn't have put it better myself.

Since you're so useless, don't give him any paperwork. Probably best to go into work late and explain the situation to your line manager. Your company may be able to provide compassionate leave and legal support. Defo make an appointment with a solicitor.

As for your home, it's not just a house but the marital home and you have rights. As a father your STBXH has obligations, which the courts will be keen to remind him of. It may also be an idea to speak with the landlord.

Remember that you are not on your own. We will be with you and have your back - if only virtually x

PS the things he accuses you of are what he's been doing. Prenez courage

LadyGaGasPokerFace · 29/10/2023 22:49

Ok, so you now have a vomiting bug and cannot attend work for a few days. Book in with a solicitor asap. Chase CMS and get onto entitledto to see what you can get.
Be needs to leave so you can think straight and sort out practicalities.
Don’t speculate just yet, but it sounds like he’s deflecting his behaviour in his recent comments 🤔

Madmax1992 · 29/10/2023 22:49

Ignore his messages, sounds like he's thriving off of you being upset! Pushing the knife in and saying anything and everything to make you feel small and shit. Definitely take the day off work 💓

endofthelinefinally · 29/10/2023 22:54

You need, as a matter of urgency, to find your marriage certificate, his payslips, pension details and any investments, life insurance, mortgage and deeds. Yours and the DC's passports.
You need to get legal advice asap.
I am so sorry for the loss of your dad. Nevertheless, you and your mum will be there for each other.
As you have children, it is likely that you will be able to stay in the family home until the youngest is 18. Your solicitor will advise.
Do you have proof of your contribution to the house and bills?
I am so sorry he has done this to you.

Queenie8 · 29/10/2023 22:54

@User10932 I am so sorry you are going through this. I've been there. Two pieces of advice. Just agree with everything he says, he's looking for a reaction.

Go onto www.entitledto.co.uk you'll be entitled to some benefits, more than you realise, apply tonight. You can always undo this if things change.

Please also inform the school, they'll be able to help, and offer support to you and the children.

Stay strong, he's not worthy of you.

Benefits Calculator - entitledto - independent | accurate | reliable | www.entitledto.co.uk

Check what benefit entitlement you are entitled to. The entitledto benefits calculator will check which means-tested benefits you may be entitled to e.g. tax credits, universal credit, housing benefit …

http://www.entitledto.co.uk

Strawberryjams · 29/10/2023 22:55

I’m so sorry OP this is so difficult but you will get stronger each day and make a great life for you and your children. He is beating a complete arsehole and you aren’t those things. It sounds to me like he’s saying all these things to you to put the blame on you for him leaving to take away any guilt from him. Or he’s looking for you to say good I don’t want you here or similar so the blame isn’t on him. You don’t deserve this, you are bloody well amazing holding things together just now for your children when I’m sure you want to scream, shout and cry. You are bloody brilliant.

Wtf is wrong with these men who do this though?! It’s bad enough to hurt you but to walk out and not even say bye to the children is disgusting. All left for you to deal with. No talking to them and saying daddy’s moving out for a bit don’t worry I will still see you on x, y or z. It’s like they think they can just ditch their children and no longer be fathers. Where the hell is their love for their children in these moments. What a fucking arsehole.

Gillbil · 29/10/2023 22:57

Hand hold💐
I'm sorry. Just remember he's a prat and you deserve better.
And anything vile he is saying is ..probably things he's done. I'm sorry, fine a solicitor and copy/ keep all the important documents safe- especially passports.

Also depending on ur tenancy agreement , he can't just say he's out. Else everyone would leave when they felt like it. He has a legal responsibility, fine out what that is as soon as you can.

MsRosley · 29/10/2023 22:58

Your DH is a disgraceful piece of shit. It's one thing to leave - and I agree he's probably got someone else lined up - it's another thing to be nasty and cruel about it. Be sad, OP, be emotional, and then get angry and a very good solicitor. Sending hugs.

endofthelinefinally · 29/10/2023 23:02

Sorry OP. I missed the fact that you are renting.

TheGoddessFreyja · 29/10/2023 23:03

Oh love 🩷

I know it doesn't seem like it now but from what you've put, it sounds like he's doing you a huge favour. Let the trash take itself out.

In a years time you will look back on this and be thankful he fucked off instead of staying and making you completely miserable.

Sending you so much love 🩷💐