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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Hand hold please…

278 replies

User10932 · 29/10/2023 17:04

DH is currently upstairs packing his stuff to move out - things haven’t been good for a while. Kids in the dining room, carving pumpkins, none the wiser. Im locked in the bathroom, quietly crying to myself, so no one hears. How do things turn out so bad, when you start off so amazing?

OP posts:
Original poster
User10932 · 29/10/2023 19:00

He’s just emailed our landlord, and copied me to say he’s moving out, and that the tenancy is fully on me, but he will pay for the next two months. All happening very quickly - can’t get my head around it!!!

OP posts:
TheShellBeach · 29/10/2023 19:00

moneys always been separate, although he pays the majority of everything as earns a lot more than I do.

Please make sure he carries on doing so.
Don't let him screw you over financially.

C1N1C · 29/10/2023 19:01

Why does everyone always assume there's someone else? Can't he just be miserable and want an escape?

I just wouldn't think about it... if he's upset enough to be leaving, plan for yourself and if you have more evidence in the future, fine... otherwise it'll just mess with your head.

bozzabollix · 29/10/2023 19:08

What a self centred, useless arsehole. It’s absolutely horrible for you but you’re better off without a pile of shit like that. He’s moving out in two months and it’s all on you? What a wanker, he’s got kids who need financial support (and emotional, but I doubt he gives a shit there).

Solicitor is needed obviously but do check on stuff like universal credit and whether you’re eligible, as a single mother you might be.

You will get through this and will feel so strong as a result, so many women have, whereas I imagine a man child like that won’t exactly make a great go of his life.

TheShellBeach · 29/10/2023 19:16

C1N1C · 29/10/2023 19:01

Why does everyone always assume there's someone else? Can't he just be miserable and want an escape?

I just wouldn't think about it... if he's upset enough to be leaving, plan for yourself and if you have more evidence in the future, fine... otherwise it'll just mess with your head.

They generally are, that's why.
They lie and tell their wives a load of toffee which a child wouldn't believe.

magicofthefae · 29/10/2023 19:21

What a piece of work!

Yeah there is definitely another woman. I bet if you took the day off work, and your kids were in nursery or school, and you followed him from a distance, it would lead to the OW house. (Not suggesting to do this at all btw). The other lady probably refused having the dogs.

He has clearly calculated this moving out for quite a while.

Good riddance to bad rubbish.

Though this experience will crush you at this time and possibly for the next couple of years to come....in the long run, you'll be much better off without that piece of trash, who doesn't deserve you.

I bet the OW will dump him in time, when she discovers what a selfish tosser he is too.

BlastedPimples · 29/10/2023 19:23

This reply has been deleted

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gotmychristmasmiracle · 29/10/2023 19:25

User10932 · 29/10/2023 19:00

He’s just emailed our landlord, and copied me to say he’s moving out, and that the tenancy is fully on me, but he will pay for the next two months. All happening very quickly - can’t get my head around it!!!

Don't think he can can just amend the tenancy like that, it's a signed contract for a certain amount of time. Terrible he doesn't seem to care about making his children homeless. As for the dog thing, can you take dogs to hotels?! 💐 sure this is going to take a while to sink in Xx

pearshapedmim · 29/10/2023 19:25

Hand hold op - so very very sorry.

All I can say is he sounds like an absolute selfish self centred evil twat of the highest form there ever was.

Stay as strong as you can. He doesn't deserve you or his kids.

Loubelle70 · 29/10/2023 19:25

SiouxsieSiouxStiletto · 29/10/2023 17:23

things haven’t been ‘good’ but they also haven’t been bad - no one’s cheated, no one’s been abusive - he wants a more free life, and thinks me and the kids are holding him back from experiencing more of life/ the world. I just don’t know what to say or do.

As much as I'd love to believe him. Those are direct quotes from the Adulterers Handbook.

I agree

Marshatessa · 29/10/2023 19:34

Defo someone else. It will all come out. All cliches at the moment - designed to make you feel at fault and make him feeL that he’s totally in the right to leave the monster he’s created in his head of you. He’s a coward and don’t ever forget how he’s treated not just you but the children right now. As he will try to come creeping back at some stage. He’s shown you the real him so believe it. Never look back.

OhComeOnFFS · 29/10/2023 19:35

Are the children his too, OP?

Bobtheamazinggingerdog · 29/10/2023 19:39

User10932 · 29/10/2023 19:00

He’s just emailed our landlord, and copied me to say he’s moving out, and that the tenancy is fully on me, but he will pay for the next two months. All happening very quickly - can’t get my head around it!!!

How long is left on the tenancy? Or is it a rolling one? Could you cover the rent on your own with universal credit? Any spare room you could sublet?

FrenchieF · 29/10/2023 19:40

email cms with a claim and copy him in

jadey1991 · 29/10/2023 19:43

User10932 · 29/10/2023 17:19

Thank you 🥲.

They’ve asked him to help carve pumpkins, he said he’s busy at the moment (didn’t say he’s busy leaving our lives!).

I think a hotel, but he also said he’s moving all his stuff out now to his work storage unit. Said by the end of the week, he should be completely gone.

things haven’t been ‘good’ but they also haven’t been bad - no one’s cheated, no one’s been abusive - he wants a more free life, and thinks me and the kids are holding him back from experiencing more of life/ the world. I just don’t know what to say or do.

Hi op, here for a handhold hun. It's not easy. But I have to say he is sounding rather selfish and sounds odd how he has now decided that you and kids are hildinf him back. If he wanted a free life to do what he wanted then he should of done that before thinking about having children.
Sorry op but it really ain't fair on you and kids.

Original poster
User10932 · 29/10/2023 20:05

The vileness that’s coming out of his mouth - @Marshatessa youre right, it’s like I’m a monster and I really don’t know how we’ve got here to this point 😢

OP posts:
Fkalfkfcnmoo59600789 · 29/10/2023 20:06

@User10932 whats he said?

Dj2020 · 29/10/2023 20:14

Definitely sounds like another woman to me. I wouldn't even bother wasting energy now on him. And the house thing he's very stupid if he thinks he can just email the landlord and he's not responsible. it doesn't work like that. What a knob! And no thought for his own children selfish prick! I'm so angry for you to be treated like that honestly you are well rid. He's shown his true colours

Original poster
User10932 · 29/10/2023 20:16

That I’ve always been a disgrace of a wife, that I make myself available to other men (have only left the house once without him or the kids in 10 years, and that was a girls dinner down the road), that I’m disloyal, a liar - crazy stuff that isn’t true. I’m trying to defend myself but it’s really difficult when he’s got this crazy view of me today.
he said he doesn’t love me, doesn’t like me touching him, we’ve been housemates for years, he’s never seen me as a wife - only nice thing he said was that he would always regard me as a great mum 🤷🏻‍♀️

OP posts:
Raspberrymoon49 · 29/10/2023 20:17

He’s had this in his head a long time no doubt and for you it’s a complete shock, so many men have an off switch, able to totally disconnect with all they once loved and sadly there’s a high chance of another woman occupying his thoughts, many men totally immature and go from one relationship to another rather than go it alone, they have to be looked after, he’s a bastard OP and typically it’s the woman who doesn’t have the luxury of dealing with her own emotions as she has to try and continue some form of normality for the children, so you’re left with all this devastation plus demands of motherhood, I hope you have someone lovely who will come to stay with you for support xxxxx

Original poster
User10932 · 29/10/2023 20:21

Apparently all his family hate me, and his ‘next bird’ won’t be anything like me. Then 2 seconds later, laughing his head off that I’ve put him off women for life and he wants to be on his own… I’m so confused. Literally shaking.
Hes apparently viewing a house tomorrow and speaking to a solicitor - wants our marriage certificate etc

OP posts:
Fkalfkfcnmoo59600789 · 29/10/2023 20:23

@User10932 hes being emotionally abusive and is trying to break you down so you never fight back and make things difficult for him.
They must read off the same manuscript because I had an ex who said these exact same words to me once.
I know it’s hard but stay strong and don’t let him get into your head, I’m so fucking sorry you’re going through this. We’ve got you here and are on your side x

pearshapedmim · 29/10/2023 20:24

User10932 · 29/10/2023 20:16

That I’ve always been a disgrace of a wife, that I make myself available to other men (have only left the house once without him or the kids in 10 years, and that was a girls dinner down the road), that I’m disloyal, a liar - crazy stuff that isn’t true. I’m trying to defend myself but it’s really difficult when he’s got this crazy view of me today.
he said he doesn’t love me, doesn’t like me touching him, we’ve been housemates for years, he’s never seen me as a wife - only nice thing he said was that he would always regard me as a great mum 🤷🏻‍♀️

Wow that is vile. I'm so sorry. However please please remember you are not any of these things - apart from a great mum of course.

He is verbally and emotionally abusive. Places like woman's aid can support you with this.

He is abusive here op - please realise this. You are amazing! Xx

Original poster
User10932 · 29/10/2023 20:24

Really appreciate it, just feel broken xx

OP posts:
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