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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Hand hold please…

278 replies

User10932 · 29/10/2023 17:04

DH is currently upstairs packing his stuff to move out - things haven’t been good for a while. Kids in the dining room, carving pumpkins, none the wiser. Im locked in the bathroom, quietly crying to myself, so no one hears. How do things turn out so bad, when you start off so amazing?

OP posts:
WeeDove · 29/10/2023 20:24

He sounds HORRIBLE

Only he gets to miss freedom?
Tell him he can have the children 50:50
See how he reacts.

pearshapedmim · 29/10/2023 20:24

User10932 · 29/10/2023 20:21

Apparently all his family hate me, and his ‘next bird’ won’t be anything like me. Then 2 seconds later, laughing his head off that I’ve put him off women for life and he wants to be on his own… I’m so confused. Literally shaking.
Hes apparently viewing a house tomorrow and speaking to a solicitor - wants our marriage certificate etc

I wouldn't give him the marriage certificate

Fkalfkfcnmoo59600789 · 29/10/2023 20:26

@User10932 tell him to order a new marriage certificate as you’ve ‘lost’ the original one, don’t hand it over to him same with passports and stuff.

Notamum12345577 · 29/10/2023 20:30

User10932 · 29/10/2023 17:57

Even when we’ve been child free for the last couple of weeks (sleepovers at aunties etc) he’s gone out with his friends and I’ve been stuck indoors alone, crying. When I’ve brought this up, I’m the bad guy trying to control his life, and he even said to me yesterday he doesn’t want to spend time with me and doesn’t enjoy my company.

could you ask the auntie to come round for support, if they are close enough to have the kids over for sleepovers surely they would (if they can obviously)?

Iwantamarshmallowman · 29/10/2023 20:32

SiouxsieSiouxStiletto · 29/10/2023 17:23

things haven’t been ‘good’ but they also haven’t been bad - no one’s cheated, no one’s been abusive - he wants a more free life, and thinks me and the kids are holding him back from experiencing more of life/ the world. I just don’t know what to say or do.

As much as I'd love to believe him. Those are direct quotes from the Adulterers Handbook.

100% this. I'm sorry.

Busydayahead · 29/10/2023 20:33

So sorry OP. He is vile. You deserve better. Have you anyone for support.

pumpkinsareshortlived · 29/10/2023 20:41

I am so sorry OP. I know the script and would stake my life on fact there is an OW lurking in the background who no doubt will come out in the near future. Saying is so true, that men rarely leave until another woman has been lined up.

He is just being vile to you to justify his unfaithfulness. Do not take this to heart. Someone has been blowing smoke up his back side and of course the grass looking greener.

Do not give him the satisfaction of seeing you upset. If it were me (and I've gone through this) I would ask him to make sure he has everything he needs as locks will be changed ASAP. I would also ask him when he plans to have the children 50% of the time and the dogs. I would definitely leave him with the impression you've accepted things and are almost relishing not being his domestic appliance/ housekeeper/ single parent and have a life to live too. Yes this may be bravado but much better to keep your self respect and put boundaries in place that if he leaves, there will be no return. You also need to tell him communication will be only by email and then grey rock him.

You will survive this and eventually get over the shock of his callous and calculated behaviour. Don't know the age of your DC but suggest to him that you tell them together.

Take tomorrow off. Gather important paperwork, contact a solicitor.

Sending you lots of hugs and a massive handhold x

Purplecatshopaholic · 29/10/2023 20:47

Sadly he will likely get worse before things get better. The vile things my ex said when he left shocked me to the core - he described me and our relationship (married 25 years) in terms that I didn’t recognise and became a completely different person himself too. It was brutal - and all part of the Cheaters Handbook. I’m sorry you are going through this.

owlyboo · 29/10/2023 21:04

I'm so sorry you're going through this. My husband told me he wanted a divorce in December. It's been a horrible year but I'm now divorced, in my own home with my children and have no one to answer to. There's up days and down still but ultimately it's much better than being in a marriage that isn't working.

Whether there's another women or not doesn't really matter. And it's probably better to not over think it. The outcome is still the same.

It's recently come to light that my exH is seeing someone and probably had her at least in the waiting when we spilt but honestly it doesn't really affect anything other than when he eventually gets the balls to tell me I'll have to cross the kids/meeting her bridge. (I haven't even bothered to tell him I know as like I say I don't see the point)

Hand holding, things will get better. It'll be shit but you will get through this and will be better off without such a twat

SFHJ · 29/10/2023 21:12

Sounds like he definitely already has someone else lined up.

YokoOnosBigHat · 29/10/2023 21:12

I'm so sorry @User10932 that this is happening to you. Sadly I've been in a similar situation and would lay money on there being another woman. What a bastard. Good luck. You need to take the gloves off and get fighting.

ThriceInALifetime · 29/10/2023 21:12

So sorry you are going through this. As others have said ,sounds like he is saying all this stuff to try and convince himself it's all your fault.
I know someone who's ex left her with a baby, was constantly criticising her, saying it was all her fault etc. She ended up in therapy trying to work out what she had done wrong, years later it emerged he had an OW all along he had kept hidden from her, not sure if his family knew.
What an absolutely disgusting way to treat the mother of their children.
Try and get support OP. Are you near your mother. He's a b*stard for doing this, especially when you are grieving for your father.💐

beenwhereyouare · 29/10/2023 21:16

So the trash is taking itself out?
I'm sorry for everything he's putting you and the DC (and the dogs) through. It's not fair and I know what he's saying really hurts. He's been planning this for awhile, evidently. He's too organized- it sounds as though he's ticking items off a to-do list. Please use your anger to make you strong.

And he's definitely being even more of an asshole by leaving without telling the children as they're carving Halloween pumpkins. Separating the poor dogs! This will probably change the way they think about Halloween in the future.

pinku22 · 29/10/2023 21:24

Do hotels accept dogs?
You can self certify for 5 days, don't need to call GP just yet. But definitely call in sick. You're gonna be ok, I promise xx

Someoneonlyyouknow · 29/10/2023 21:30

Definitely sounds like he is reframing things to justify him leaving. He has responsibilities to maintain his children so he's not going to be living this 'free' life with as much money as he thinks. Total dick.

Get to a solicitor tomorrow, some will give 30 minutes free consultation

neilyoungismyhero · 29/10/2023 21:32

One of the worst things was the fact you had a couple of child free weeks you said? Instead of taking the opportunity to sit down and discuss your situation without fear of them either interrupting or getting upset he chose to bugger off with his mates. Not a very mature way to deal with things. Tonight he's made the big gesture at the worst time for you and them. It's one thing feeling the need to end a relationship and sometimes it's for the best but there are better ways to do it for your children at least.

jadey1991 · 29/10/2023 21:33

User10932 · 29/10/2023 20:16

That I’ve always been a disgrace of a wife, that I make myself available to other men (have only left the house once without him or the kids in 10 years, and that was a girls dinner down the road), that I’m disloyal, a liar - crazy stuff that isn’t true. I’m trying to defend myself but it’s really difficult when he’s got this crazy view of me today.
he said he doesn’t love me, doesn’t like me touching him, we’ve been housemates for years, he’s never seen me as a wife - only nice thing he said was that he would always regard me as a great mum 🤷🏻‍♀️

Wow, just wow.... what a freaking cheek... I'm sorry hun bit block the man. You don't need the stress. He is saying all this to you because he knows he is the disloyal one.

Stay strong babes for yourself and kids ❤️

Seriously79 · 29/10/2023 21:35

OP, get the kids sorted and in bed, then have a bath and get to bed yourself x

Right now all you have to do is put one foot infront of the other - easier said than done I know.

Tomorrow call work and explain, go to the dr and see if they will sign you off, then make a list.

Job/ income
Outgoings

What do you want to happen now?

Good luck with it all x

Comeonbarbiebrianharvey · 29/10/2023 21:37

Go on entitled to website, and ring universal credit tomorrow. You may be entitled to housing benefit top up and council tax reduction when you tell them you're now a single parent. At least then you won't have to move. You may even be slightly better off.

Don't give him passports etc, he's arranged a soliticitor for tomorrow, presumably over the weekend? Sounds like rubbish. He sounds horrible.

owlyboo · 29/10/2023 21:41

Just to add definitely listen to everyone suggesting 'entitled to' benefit calculator it's very reliable and might at least hopefully put some financial worries to rest. The quicker you can do it the better as it takes a little while but they can offer you an emergency loan if he leaves you in the lurch.

itsalongwaybackfromsorry · 29/10/2023 21:45

You will be well rid of him in the long run, OP. He sounds selfish and vile.

Find a solicitor, file for child maintenance, look into topping up your income with benefits if you're eligible asap.

curlymom · 29/10/2023 21:51

Hand hold
he has probably met someone who will be fun for a few weeks then he will come back.
then you can kick his arse right out. You are worth a thousand of him for not walking out on your kids. They are precious and do not forget it. He is a worthless coward. Please don’t let him take the dog

Tiredmum100 · 29/10/2023 21:51

User10932 · 29/10/2023 20:21

Apparently all his family hate me, and his ‘next bird’ won’t be anything like me. Then 2 seconds later, laughing his head off that I’ve put him off women for life and he wants to be on his own… I’m so confused. Literally shaking.
Hes apparently viewing a house tomorrow and speaking to a solicitor - wants our marriage certificate etc

Well, thankfully for you, it sounds like the trash is taking itself out. Remember, he is trying to make you out to be the bad guy so he can leave guilt free. Tell him to pack his shit and get out. You and your children deserve so much more. Ring in sick tomorrow and get looking at what benefits you might be entitled to, solicitor, etc. These men think they're so fucking great, and the ball is in his court. He's probably banking on you being distraught and wanting him to stay, so make sure you get your ducks in a row. I'm so sorry, OP.

Katrinawaves · 29/10/2023 21:54

And make sure he’s on the sofa tonight or in with one of the kids. Don’t let him push you out of your bedroom

Ydkiml · 29/10/2023 21:59

Hope you manage to get some sleep tonight. What a horrible man he sounds . You and your children deserve better. Be strong and a strong role model to your children at such a difficult time . Remember your worth x