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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Hand hold please…

278 replies

User10932 · 29/10/2023 17:04

DH is currently upstairs packing his stuff to move out - things haven’t been good for a while. Kids in the dining room, carving pumpkins, none the wiser. Im locked in the bathroom, quietly crying to myself, so no one hears. How do things turn out so bad, when you start off so amazing?

OP posts:
Bluetrue · 29/10/2023 23:08

User10932 · 29/10/2023 19:00

He’s just emailed our landlord, and copied me to say he’s moving out, and that the tenancy is fully on me, but he will pay for the next two months. All happening very quickly - can’t get my head around it!!!

WOW!

I am so sorry to hear this. He has been an absolute bastard.

Ask for time off work or do a sickie if you can't, this is really tough. I feel for all of you. But in the long run, he has done you all a massive favour and leaving your lives. It will work out, even if you feel that it won't right now. That's ok.

Write a diary and keep notes of everything, including emails. You will need them when you get to court for custody/divorce. They will be disgusted by his behaviour but you no must be smart and document everything.

Hug your kids and come back on here for support. All the best xxxxxxx

AutumnFroglets · 29/10/2023 23:14

I'm so sorry Flowers

I can only repeat other pp.

Copy all bank statements, p60s, pensions, savings etc. Get his NI number.
Keep marriage certificate, tell him to buy a copy from council(?) - you need it to prove marriage and he's richer than you (don't say that part!).
Hide children's passports and birth certificates.
Contact solicitor tomorrow.
Apply for uc and cms tomorrow.
Take at least half of any money in joint accounts before he takes it all. Personally I would take it all but save half until solicitor tells you to hand it back. It could be the difference between paying the electric bill or not this winter.

Remember to eat, drink, sleep and breathe. You have this!

Fusterclucked · 29/10/2023 23:16

If he’s taken a dog it’s unlikely he’s going to a hotel. He’s cheating. I’m so sorry

TheSquareMile · 29/10/2023 23:16

Do you have the details of a local solicitor to whom you can send an e-mail of your own this evening?

You will get through this, although you may not think so at the moment.

FSTraining · 29/10/2023 23:21

Well, he's really quite the twat isn't he? And, unfortunately, I'd bet my life savings that he's having an affair. His comments to you are absolutely text book (claiming you are holding him back is bad enough, but blaming the kids too - my ex-wife who was cheating did that too which was very out of character for her; blaming you for the split; accusing you of cheating). Those nights you've been alone and he's been out with his friends? I doubt it. Does he happen to spend a lot of time working late or glued to his phone by any chance? Or take the dogs for walks a lot?

And now he's trying to dump it all on you to deal with the fallout.

Here's what I suggest you should do tomorrow:

  1. If you've not been claiming child benefit because he earns over £60k, start doing so;

  2. If you are not earning or on a low income, apply for universal credit. This will also help you pay the rent;

  3. Go to the Government website and find out how much child maintenance he should be paying you based on his income. Tell him he needs to pay that. If he says no, immediately apply to CMS (I picked up that he has a lockup and I wondered if he was self employed, which could add complications);

  4. If you can afford it (£593) submit the application for divorce. If he's having an affair, he won't do it in the hope he can dump and run and come crawling back later if things don't work out. You've got better things in store for your life than that.

Teenagehorrorbag · 29/10/2023 23:24

God - what a bastard! Of course sometimes people want out of a relationship - whether to be with someone else (highly likely) or other reasons - but even then that's no excuse for being such a shit. Please don't let him bring you down or believe any of his lies.

He has to support you and his children, so put in a child maintenance claim asap. As the higher earner he should end up paying a lot towards the family's upkeep and will hopefully end up slumming it somewhere grim, or annoying his new GF by not paying his way!

And agree with PPs - he can't end the tenancy agreement. If you signed it jointly then he is jointly liable until the end of the contract. Please dig that out and check dates - and find all other relevant paperwork - bank accounts, pension docs etc, so you are prepared to challenge him if he tries to hide anything later on. Also things like car documents, bills, any types of insurance etc - you are likely to have some sticky times ahead so make things as easy as you can. You don't want the stress of not being able to find your TV licence or contents insurance in a years time, for example? And put your driving licence, passport, birth certificates, marriage cert etc somewhere safe, too.

I hope you can get support from your Mum, womens aid or maybe some friends / colleagues if you feel there is anyone close enough to talk to. But you can come on here any time you need a hand hold. Good luck and stay strong. You're a Mum, that's your superpower! Flowers.

Weatherwax13 · 29/10/2023 23:31

I'm so sorry OP. He's utterly cruel.
My suspicion would be that he walked out with a plan that backfired (OW got cold feet?) so he's back making your life a misery in revenge.
All the good advice re protecting yourself legally and financially has been given already.
I hope you can find it in yourself to kick him out. He can't hang around at his convenience treating you this way.
Heartless pig. You do not deserve any of this.

CrunchyCarrot · 29/10/2023 23:34

Wow OP well he is a miserable excuse of a human, isn't he. I am sorry you are going through this, but you will come out the other side stronger, I promise. Take a couple of days off and look into getting legal advice. Please keep posting, you'll get a lot of good advice and support here.

Dontjudgeme101 · 29/10/2023 23:34

I am so sorry op. 💐💐💐

endofthelinefinally · 29/10/2023 23:39

Talk to your landlord. They might have experience of universal credit and housing benefit. As pp said, you may be able to get help with the rent as a single parent.

Baconisdelicious · 29/10/2023 23:44

User10932 · 29/10/2023 20:16

That I’ve always been a disgrace of a wife, that I make myself available to other men (have only left the house once without him or the kids in 10 years, and that was a girls dinner down the road), that I’m disloyal, a liar - crazy stuff that isn’t true. I’m trying to defend myself but it’s really difficult when he’s got this crazy view of me today.
he said he doesn’t love me, doesn’t like me touching him, we’ve been housemates for years, he’s never seen me as a wife - only nice thing he said was that he would always regard me as a great mum 🤷🏻‍♀️

Projection. Classic. Accusing you of doing his shit and of being just like him.

Like many others I would put money on there being someone else

Hankeringforsomething · 29/10/2023 23:44

I'm so sorry you're going through this. Please keep your marriage certificate. You need this to file for divorce, don't let him take it.
As others have said. Take some time off work to see a solicitor and get your affairs in order. If you are married, he can't just walk away and take everything on his terms.
He sounds awful and I equally suspect he's met someone else and is making you feel that you are to blame to ease his conscience.

Starseeking · 29/10/2023 23:50

I'm so sorry OP, your H sounds like a nasty cruel specimen.

I'd definitely call in sick to work for a few days this week and start getting your ducks in a row.

While I've not experienced this situation myself, I've seen enough on MN that I agree there will be OW waiting in the rings. Let her have him! You are worth so much more than the abuse he is giving you, and will live a great life in the long run.

Starseeking · 29/10/2023 23:51

*OW waiting in the wings

Ellie56 · 29/10/2023 23:52

Try not to let him get to you, the nasty piece of shit.

Just shrug and say, "Yeah. Whatever," and carry on doing what you're doing.

VitoCorleoneOfMNMafia · 30/10/2023 00:00

This isn't anything to do with you. I suspect that he's been reading MGTOW forums online and has become conditioned into thinking you're the enemy because you're female.

Dsis went through similar when her "D"H discovered MRA forums online, he was looking at her like he hated her when he came off reading them on the computer. She's now mid-divorce.

It's better for you and DC not to have this toxicity in your lives.

TooOldForThisNonsense · 30/10/2023 00:01

He is a cunt. I hope you find your anger and hard as it is one day you will all be much happier to be rid of him.

Guesswho88 · 30/10/2023 00:02

User10932 · 29/10/2023 17:37

Maybe he is, I don’t know. He’s just left and taken one of the dogs with him, the other one is now going crazy, just to add to the shit he’s left behind.
No family, we just lost my dad a couple of months ago, so my mum is really struggling herself and I’m trying to be there for her. No friends either, sadly, have lost everyone along the way of being a wife and a mum and working full time.

Tell him that taking one of the dogs isn't on and the other one is fretting. Fecking idiot. Obviously you and the kids will be fretting too but being as as the moron doesn't seem to care about that.. Honestly I would ring him up and shout at him, he's caused enough chaos as it is!

PositanoBay · 30/10/2023 00:04

@User10932 Cherchez la femme

The creep has got someone else lined up who he has lied to about you. Something has forced his hand, and you need to be quick. Get all your documents together and photograph everything he may have with regards to ,money
Been there done this, and good luck to you

ACGTHelix · 30/10/2023 00:22

@User10932
Any links to the security services ? could be on an important mission and is trying to protect his family ?

IHateLegDay · 30/10/2023 00:22

He's checked out, probably has someone else lined up and is trying to make you the bad guy so that he feels less guilty about what he's doing.
Do not try to reason with him/beg him/explain yourself as he will only twist everything, making you more frustrated/upset and letting him make you out to be 'crazy' when you get upset.

Simply refuse to engage with him and try your best to carry on with yourself and the kids. Ignore him and do not let him see you upset.

You can do this xxx

Lostinbrum · 30/10/2023 00:34

Wow what a disgusting excuse of a man I'm so sorry you are being treated like thia

Emeraldsanddiamonds · 30/10/2023 00:51

I wonder if when he turned up with a dog and a load of stuff the OW wasn't welcoming. I mean an affair may be one thing for her - and who knows what line he has spun her about being married - but it's quite another thing to let somebody move in complete with dog and possibly put up with his children at the weekend and him having to support the children financially which means there is less money to go round.

He knows he is behaving like a pig. He says those awful things to try to make himself feel better for walking out on his wife and children for a "freer" life. I have no idea what he means by saying he'd never seen you as a wife. I mean presumably he proposed, got a wedding at least if not an engagement ring, and turned up at the appointed place for the wedding. Presumably he agreed to have children. There is no point arguing with pond scum like him though.

I think you will have to tell the children. Obviously one of your children has noticed something is wrong and I really hope they didn't hear his latest tirade. Does it sound like he will be having any contact being "freer" and all? I know you are not meant to run down your spouse but I would be being honest - in a child appropriate way if there is such a thing - so that he can't ever twist things round and say you threw him out or had an affair or something.

I would get to a solicitor and get everything you are entitled to have. Hopefully he has a pension that you can get your hands on when you are left having a much less free life rather than abandoning your child as he has. Frankly he sounds so dreadful you might well be happier without him.

Canthave2manycats · 30/10/2023 00:59

He's a hateful selfish bastard.

Count yourself lucky in one way that he's gone. Have been living with a selfish cunt that just won't go for years.

Definitely take some sick leave. You can't possibly work after this. Hugs x

bibop · 30/10/2023 01:02

I'm so sorry, OP. Sending you hugs. Don't listen to what he is saying. It does sound like the cheater's handbook.