Page 9 | Why did you atop having sex?

Dadvice · 2023-10-28T12:40:36+00:00

I'll probably catch some heat for this. Why did you stop having sex? I've a great wife, both of us approaching 40. 3 kids who are really great. For the past few years our sex life has dwindled, sometimes it can be months between sex. I can't remember the last time my wife initiated sex, and now it feels creepy because its always me initiating, and while she very rarely says no and does seem to enjoy herself I can't help feel that I'm the problem. My problems is I would like more sex, her problem is she says there is no problem I am struggling to believe. She's a great looking woman, especially for near 40. I was very athletic when we met and she wasn't shy about telling me this, so i thought i would get back in shape for her. Ive never put on weight but I did join the gym several months ago and I've never been fitter or felt more confident in my body and the way i look. She says I look great but it's not made a difference. I spend time with her when she finishes work, I try to romance her, I buy her gifts big and small, I try to be thoughtful, I try to do my fair share around the home, activities with the kids and that. She says there is nothing wrong when i bring it up, she says shes just not got a high sex drive but I'm not sure i could cope much longer with this amount of intimacy and always having to initiate sex. We have only had sex 4 times this year. Am I being unreasonable? What more should I do. Send help.

thatwassociopathic · 02/11/2023 00:55

Get up on Saturday with the kids. As SOON as they cheep, none of this lie there for 3 hours while they play pish as she'll be lying there wide awake. Take care of the kids, housework, hobbies, washing, breakfast, dishes, admin, weekly food shop, day trips, school stuff for coming week, date night, etc. When she finally wakes up refreshed and rested, I guarantee she'll fuck your brains out. Repeat and reap the benefits.

You'll get shagged twice if she's a SAHM and you demonstrate you actually appreciate her contribution to your house hold 👌🏼

Springforward1 · 02/11/2023 01:02

Dadvice · 02/11/2023 00:44

Just getting round to reading all the reply's now, a lot of caustic posts, sorry you guys feel that way, I hope things turn out good for you, but you probably shouldn't be giving advice to other people if you cannot be civil and understanding.

As I've said before, and others have pointed out. My older kids require very little, they are settled, intelligent, thoughtful and independent, they add very little and infact are a net benefit to the house work as they do their share too.

No one will tell me I don't do enough around the house, but ill pretty much guarantee any man doing my hours in my job will be doing a lot less around the home than I am, I don't know a man who does and its probably a minimum 55 hours a week. Should I work less? Should we downsize our home and give up the cars and family holidays and nice family Christmases so i can do more around the house and my wifes workload is lightened, it sounds selfish.

My wife and I tend to not have time "away" together, he job pretty much rules that out but that is her passion and I cannot fault her for that. When we do go away as just us 2 or a group of adults its great. But this shouldn't be the only time its great.

Maybe we will get through this, maybe we will not but it will be more likely not if things don't change. The sadder I get the more that being not married seems an option. I know this will enrage some people but I have explained this to my wife from my point of view and listened to how she feels but our incompatible sex drives remain. I just cant get to the bottom of it without realising this may be our final chapters together as I've tried the majority of things suggested here. Ill try more education for me from the books suggested but while being understanding is important it wont change the issue at hand.

I dont think this dilemma should enrage anyone. You have reached out to get advice and support from other women who may feel the same as your wife for whatever reason. I feel in marriage sexual intamacy where possible is extremely important if only to strengthen a physical and emotional bond between a couple. Sex it not just about satisfying an urge. You are no doubt missing the closeness of a satisfying physical relationship. Perhaps you should make this clear to your wife who may begin to understand its not just the sex you are missing. I hope it works out for you both. You sound like a lovely family.

Opentooffers · 02/11/2023 01:05

You are getting some unfair stick. If your eldest is 20, and she is not yet 40, then you met and concieved at a young age and have grown up together, know each other inside-out and are probably very comfortable. Hence the excitement is minimal, the routines are embedded, it's all nice, but dull.
I think she just maybe has lost some major in that department and it is maybe of interest to know how her parents relationship was at this time in life. That it's normal to her is probably a reflection on what she observed growing up, or she might be deflecting to get out of it.
You might find she needs a jolt to bring her out of her denial that it isn't normal. Calmly sit her down, say you feel your relationship is in trouble, maybe ask her if has considered separation and co-parenting rather than what you have because you are getting the impression she does not want you romantically.
Then maybe go away for a few days, take time out - be good, this is not for jolleys. This will show her that it is a serious situation. What she does about that, will tell you a lot. I can't promise you will get the reaction you desire, but you will stir the pot and find answers.

Opentooffers · 02/11/2023 01:08

Mojo

RantyAnty · 02/11/2023 01:28

"a minimum 55 hours a week. Should I work less? Should we downsize our home and give up the cars and family holidays and nice family Christmases so i can do more around the house and my wifes workload is lightened, it sounds selfish. *

You'd still have the same job working 55 hours a week whether or not you're married so not a valid excuse to not do much around the house.

If you were single, you'd have to do all your own chores,cooking, unless you want to live in a shit tip.

chappoi · 02/11/2023 01:43

@Dadvice I'm a woman who's husband has no interest in me really. Odd time he is when he wants , but anytime I'm in the mood or initiate it's constant rejection

AgingDisgracefullyHere · 02/11/2023 02:25

thatwassociopathic · 02/11/2023 00:55

Get up on Saturday with the kids. As SOON as they cheep, none of this lie there for 3 hours while they play pish as she'll be lying there wide awake. Take care of the kids, housework, hobbies, washing, breakfast, dishes, admin, weekly food shop, day trips, school stuff for coming week, date night, etc. When she finally wakes up refreshed and rested, I guarantee she'll fuck your brains out. Repeat and reap the benefits.

You'll get shagged twice if she's a SAHM and you demonstrate you actually appreciate her contribution to your house hold 👌🏼

I'm sorry, but I don't think that the OP needs to just keep doing more, more, more. He's already doing a lot. Do we just keep saying "more" with the promise that at some point she's gonna want to have sex?

If she's being treated like a skivvy or running ragged after toddlers, then I would agree that she may just be too tired for sex. But there's a good chance that it has nothing to do with her being tired

AgingDisgracefullyHere · 02/11/2023 02:28

RantyAnty · 02/11/2023 01:28

"a minimum 55 hours a week. Should I work less? Should we downsize our home and give up the cars and family holidays and nice family Christmases so i can do more around the house and my wifes workload is lightened, it sounds selfish. *

You'd still have the same job working 55 hours a week whether or not you're married so not a valid excuse to not do much around the house.

If you were single, you'd have to do all your own chores,cooking, unless you want to live in a shit tip.

He's not "doing little around the house."

And, like it or not, finding the time and head space for sex with your spouse is another grown up thing you gotta do, unless you want to live in a shit tip of a marriage.

pelargoniums · 02/11/2023 02:37

AgingDisgracefullyHere · 02/11/2023 02:28

He's not "doing little around the house."

And, like it or not, finding the time and head space for sex with your spouse is another grown up thing you gotta do, unless you want to live in a shit tip of a marriage.

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We only have OP’s word for it he pulls his weight around the house, and he frequently if/but/caveats his claims. I bet the wife would tell a different story.

Sex isn’t something you’ve “gotta” to do, in fact it’s especially something that’s an only if you want to, not a got to. It might end your marriage not doing it, and it looks like that’s the OP’s decision, but that doesn’t make it a gotta, or the marriage a shit tip. Now, having sex you don’t want because you “gotta”, that’s a shit tip of a marriage.

AgingDisgracefullyHere · 02/11/2023 02:45

You don't have to begrudgingly suffer through it, but you have to take it very seriously and, if you don't feel like it, try to figure out why and try to resolve it.

Here4thechocs · 02/11/2023 03:17

It pleases me to know I’m not alone in this situation. It’s been 11 months since we last got intimate. I don’t miss it. I know he does. Sometimes, I wonder what he gets up to, as I do not believe a man can go that long without sex but I very quickly move on from the thoughts. I just don’t want to have sex. I really, really do not. I’m 43

MsRosley · 02/11/2023 08:06

Youneedkittens · 28/10/2023 21:13

Hormones play a huge part in this, as everyone has said. In every other species females stop seeking sex once they’re no longer fertile, but women seem expected to have the same libido as a 20 year old. But let’s forget the hormones for a moment. Take yourself back to when you were first dating. What happened in the run up to sex that isn’t happening now?

Did you go dancing together? Did you snog? Did you snuggle on the sofa together? Did you rub her shoulders/feet while asking insightful questions about her feelings? Did you listen to her problems and express sympathy (not annoying problem solving or dismissal)? When did you last buy her flowers or a book you thought she’d enjoy?

My experience has been that when men finally notice that their wife is no longer seeking sex, this is a long time after the man stopped bothering with all the steps that stoke female desire. You may be good at the mechanics of sex, but are you any good at romance? Forget marital aids, they may hit the spot but they aren’t sexy and are the complete opposite of romance. Focus on rediscovering romance and sex will turn up no problem.

Do you smile at her? Make her laugh? Kiss her neck? Or do you just suggest sex? Nothing kills my libido faster than DH suggesting he’s got some free time available later for sex. I don’t want an appointment, I’m not a sex worker. I want a nice kiss, a smile, an expression of interest in my life, and a hug that isn’t sexual. I do not want groping, requests for sex, or suggestions of sex toys.

Every word of this. I'd also add emotional intimacy. If all you talk about is your day, what your boss thinks, etc, then your relationship is probably starved of emotional intimacy. How often do you initiate discussions about what your wife really thinks and feels (and not just about sex)? How much emotional support do you offer when she has problems? How much interest do you take in her and her life? How much effort do you make to arrange nights out, days out, things to do as a couple?

So many men unconsciously assume that emotional support only flows one way, or expect their wives to plan and arrange any leisure/social activities. My DH is like this, and it definitely makes me feel less inclined to have any physical intimacy. If you show you don't care about her having a fulfilling life, why should you care about yours?

MsRosley · 02/11/2023 08:18

Maybe we will get through this, maybe we will not but it will be more likely not if things don't change. The sadder I get the more that being not married seems an option. I know this will enrage some people but I have explained this to my wife from my point of view and listened to how she feels but our incompatible sex drives remain. I just cant get to the bottom of it without realising this may be our final chapters together as I've tried the majority of things suggested here. Ill try more education for me from the books suggested but while being understanding is important it wont change the issue at hand.

So what happened to 'for better or worse' in your marriage vows? You're effectively saying that if your wife doesn't put out, you're out. What if she were in an accident and was no longer attractive, or couldn't have sex any more? Would that be a justifiable reason to leave?

To be honest, your underlying mentality comes across as selfish and resentful. You're willing to chuck in what is in many respects a great marriage and relationship, and hugely upset your children, because your sex life isn't like the porn you're watching.

Be careful what you wish for. If you leave, and start another relationship, there's a good chance you'll be back in the same place after a few years, because your wife's declining sex drive is the norm, not an aberration. Mind you, she might be a lot happier without a sulky man to navigate all the time.

Masterofhappydays · 02/11/2023 08:28

MsRosley · 02/11/2023 08:18

Maybe we will get through this, maybe we will not but it will be more likely not if things don't change. The sadder I get the more that being not married seems an option. I know this will enrage some people but I have explained this to my wife from my point of view and listened to how she feels but our incompatible sex drives remain. I just cant get to the bottom of it without realising this may be our final chapters together as I've tried the majority of things suggested here. Ill try more education for me from the books suggested but while being understanding is important it wont change the issue at hand.

So what happened to 'for better or worse' in your marriage vows? You're effectively saying that if your wife doesn't put out, you're out. What if she were in an accident and was no longer attractive, or couldn't have sex any more? Would that be a justifiable reason to leave?

To be honest, your underlying mentality comes across as selfish and resentful. You're willing to chuck in what is in many respects a great marriage and relationship, and hugely upset your children, because your sex life isn't like the porn you're watching.

Be careful what you wish for. If you leave, and start another relationship, there's a good chance you'll be back in the same place after a few years, because your wife's declining sex drive is the norm, not an aberration. Mind you, she might be a lot happier without a sulky man to navigate all the time.

Agree with all of this 100%

Mischance · 02/11/2023 09:11

Dadvice · 01/11/2023 23:39

This isn't about you, and I'm glad you don't fancy a man like me, its mutual. Your feelings on the porn industry are irrelevant and I wont live my life by your standards and be celibate because you don't like porn, you know next to zero about what my wife or I think about porn or how we consume it.

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I know what it does to the women who are sucked into it ... I was a social worker. They are not willing participants. If that sits comfortably with you then so be it. Your or your wife's views on it do not alter the facts.
Your porn guilt shines through your angry post.

Acornsoup · 02/11/2023 09:19

Crushed23 · 28/10/2023 16:47

Everyone is talking about the OP’s wife like she’s running around after 3 toddlers all day. The children are aged 20, 16 and 9. I’m not saying that isn’t still a super busy life, but I would have thought the older two are fairly independent, there’s only 1 school run, and no sleepless nights with teething babies and whatnot.

That doesn't mean there is any less work to do. Late night lifts, and they still eat and wear clothes. They often stay up much later than parents at this age. It's not less, it's just different.

Acornsoup · 02/11/2023 09:29

pelargoniums · 30/10/2023 09:15

Breaking this down from your wife’s perspective:

My husband wants more sex but I don’t have the energy for it. He “tries” to do his fair share around the home, activities with the kids and that, but I do the lion’s share – eg of ironing, he does 25% and I do 75%.

He works 55 hours a week and I do 25 hours work, all the schoolruns and homework, so about the same but with higher mental load and less satisfaction, school runs being less fulfilling than work – plus my job is self employed and stressful, but he says no more than anyone else’s.

I’m not thrilled with my body, I have a muffin top, but although my husband says I’m attractive “for my age” , he encouraged me to go to the gym. And early in the morning! He has no understanding of how exhausted I am. I’m perimenopausal, I get the kids up, breakfasted, to school, go to work, do the school run and supervise homework, so despite working 25 hours I’ve little time to myself, even though he wants me to see myself as more than just mum – but when do I get the chance if I’m always doing school runs and homework? And he says that’s just the way life is right now.

Our sex life was OK but he has no idea when I’ve faked orgasms or just had sex out of duty. He keeps asking me if I’m still having orgasms and I’m like “shouldn’t you know?!”

He says he can’t take on any more of the household chores than he already does, but has the energy for his new gym obsession. Also, he spells it “restbite”.

Spot on. Also he said I look ok for 40 🙄

WorldCuppa · 02/11/2023 09:35

@Acornsoup shat a crock of shite. How is patenting a 20 or 16 old not less than parenting a toddler?

Crushed23 · 02/11/2023 09:52

Acornsoup · 02/11/2023 09:19

That doesn't mean there is any less work to do. Late night lifts, and they still eat and wear clothes. They often stay up much later than parents at this age. It's not less, it's just different.

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It’s completely disingenuous to suggest that looking after a 4, 3 and 1 year-old is as hard as looking after a 20, 16 and 9 year-old.

Besides, I was mainly referring to posters who were talking about “getting 3 children washed, dressed, breakfasted and out of the door” etc. because they clearly hadn’t read the OP carefully. Even at 9 years old, I washed, dressed and had breakfast by myself, never mind at 16 or 20.

Springforward1 · 02/11/2023 09:52

Springforward1 · 02/11/2023 00:40

I wish more 40/50/60 plus women who agree with this would add their own similar experience. The menopause is troublesome for most women although It's nonsense to promote the idea that this means if you are not on hrt, or even if you are, you can expect to dry up and lose your sex drive. When you research menopause and symptoms you will inevitably find loss of sex drive on the list. My message to young women is don't think this happens to everyone,it doesn't,in fact it can increase in older women. Why is this never mentioned in professional menopause articles? 🤷‍♀️

Edited

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A reminder to previous posters who keep insinuating it's natural for older women to lose their sex drive. It's natural for some women. When a woman gives up on intimacy with her partner, with the exception of accidents or illness, its a sure sign there is something far wrong with the marriage, especially if it's not mutual and one desires intimacy and the other doesn't. This is not a long term sustainable situation. It inevitably leads to general frustration and arguments within the marriage.

Masterofhappydays · 02/11/2023 10:00

WorldCuppa · 02/11/2023 09:35

@Acornsoup shat a crock of shite. How is patenting a 20 or 16 old not less than parenting a toddler?

When you have teens in the house, it’s so difficult to make sure they never hear you. That’s a factor that can contribute.

The more OP posts though, the more he seems to be showing his true self. The first couple of posts he genuinely seemed so lovely and I was sympathetic, but as I’ve read through, the sympathy waned as this angry, sarcastic misogynist begun to emerge, which is a shame as respondents have been really nice. Gosh, I really hope he never says to his wife she looks great…for 40. :-(

I read a while ago that biologically, women tend to ‘get bored’ sexually of a man after 2 years. It sounds like you’ve been together many years, OP? It’s such a shame you’re contemplating ending your otherwise wonderful marriage over this. What if your wife had been seriously injured or contracted a dreadful illness that means she couldn’t have sex. Would you have considered ending the marriage then too? I just can’t imagine leaving my husband if his penis fell off or he got ill and was unable to have sex because I love him so much. Maybe we just love differently? If I got a whiff of my husband considering leaving me because we weren’t having sex, for whatever reason, I know my vagina would slam shut for him. There’s that.

Crikeyalmighty · 02/11/2023 10:10

@Masterofhappydays totally agree- I don't think he sounds particularly nice either and that's why I'm wary of men who make their posts sound as if they are being totally reasonable- The fact is for some women it wanes , regardless of if the bloke spent all day scrubbing the house or he looked like Brad Pitt. As others have said in other species female loses interest when no longer fertile - there can be many reasons, the blokes a twat, she no longer feels bothered, there's some kind of resentment going on- who knows! Maybe he should just say to his wife, her putting out more matters more than other aspects and stir things up , she will either take note or probably build up to end things.

potatoheads · 02/11/2023 10:48

Crikeyalmighty · 02/11/2023 10:10

@Masterofhappydays totally agree- I don't think he sounds particularly nice either and that's why I'm wary of men who make their posts sound as if they are being totally reasonable- The fact is for some women it wanes , regardless of if the bloke spent all day scrubbing the house or he looked like Brad Pitt. As others have said in other species female loses interest when no longer fertile - there can be many reasons, the blokes a twat, she no longer feels bothered, there's some kind of resentment going on- who knows! Maybe he should just say to his wife, her putting out more matters more than other aspects and stir things up , she will either take note or probably build up to end things.

They are in their late 30s not 80s. If you think the average man in their 30s should accept being celibate then you are deluded and selfish. They indeed maybe have to separate but it's not because of his requests for a sexual life. Jesus some women just seem to hate men.

Acornsoup · 02/11/2023 10:49

I think constant criticism also plays a massive part. Rocking in and eye rolling about dishes etc when you've checked out for the day. Not saying you do this OP. But there's an undercurrent of comparisons that could be taken as criticism.

Going to the gym when wife clearly doesn't have the time/energy.

Comments about how she looks.

I read this like wife feels like a single parent given OP is out of the house 55 hours a week. That is not very attractive and could lead to resentment.

@WorldCuppa I didn't say it was the same - literally said different set of issues.

Springforward1 · 02/11/2023 10:50

Masterofhappydays · 02/11/2023 10:00

When you have teens in the house, it’s so difficult to make sure they never hear you. That’s a factor that can contribute.

The more OP posts though, the more he seems to be showing his true self. The first couple of posts he genuinely seemed so lovely and I was sympathetic, but as I’ve read through, the sympathy waned as this angry, sarcastic misogynist begun to emerge, which is a shame as respondents have been really nice. Gosh, I really hope he never says to his wife she looks great…for 40. :-(

I read a while ago that biologically, women tend to ‘get bored’ sexually of a man after 2 years. It sounds like you’ve been together many years, OP? It’s such a shame you’re contemplating ending your otherwise wonderful marriage over this. What if your wife had been seriously injured or contracted a dreadful illness that means she couldn’t have sex. Would you have considered ending the marriage then too? I just can’t imagine leaving my husband if his penis fell off or he got ill and was unable to have sex because I love him so much. Maybe we just love differently? If I got a whiff of my husband considering leaving me because we weren’t having sex, for whatever reason, I know my vagina would slam shut for him. There’s that.

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There are posters who have made it clear there is an exception for accidents and illness. We are talking about lack of intimacy here which is a natural progression of closeness and love. My DH and I have been known to say we scrub up well for our age. It's something to be proud about, its not an insult.