Page 8 | Why did you atop having sex?

Dadvice · 2023-10-28T12:40:36+00:00

I'll probably catch some heat for this. Why did you stop having sex? I've a great wife, both of us approaching 40. 3 kids who are really great. For the past few years our sex life has dwindled, sometimes it can be months between sex. I can't remember the last time my wife initiated sex, and now it feels creepy because its always me initiating, and while she very rarely says no and does seem to enjoy herself I can't help feel that I'm the problem. My problems is I would like more sex, her problem is she says there is no problem I am struggling to believe. She's a great looking woman, especially for near 40. I was very athletic when we met and she wasn't shy about telling me this, so i thought i would get back in shape for her. Ive never put on weight but I did join the gym several months ago and I've never been fitter or felt more confident in my body and the way i look. She says I look great but it's not made a difference. I spend time with her when she finishes work, I try to romance her, I buy her gifts big and small, I try to be thoughtful, I try to do my fair share around the home, activities with the kids and that. She says there is nothing wrong when i bring it up, she says shes just not got a high sex drive but I'm not sure i could cope much longer with this amount of intimacy and always having to initiate sex. We have only had sex 4 times this year. Am I being unreasonable? What more should I do. Send help.

potatoheads · 01/11/2023 21:44

TomeTome · 28/10/2023 16:43

Few women want to have sex with a man who regularly watches porn.

Oh stop it. The porn has come along WAAAYYY after the problem. Typical MN. Always blaming the man.

potatoheads · 01/11/2023 21:46

ittakes2 · 28/10/2023 17:14

you said it yourself - she's tired after sorting the kids morning and evening and working. Offer to help with some of the things making her tired and I bet she becomes more interested in you!

The 'kids' are 20,15 and 9

potatoheads · 01/11/2023 21:48

Qualityh20 · 28/10/2023 18:02

'I want her to want to have sex with me'

She has made it pretty clear she doesn't want to. You've been together 20+ years, had a great sex life but you can't/won't understand that your wife has not been interested for a few years. You say she won't tell you why, she has, she doesn't feel like it.

My husband jokingly says he had a hideous menopause! It wasn't fun for me either! 15 years ago drs wouldn't prescribe HRT due to ignorance. We love each other, we have a lot of fun, we cuddle, hold hands, laugh, travel, work, we are playful, other than penetration nothing has changed in our marriage. No my sex drive didn't come back. I did suggest giving my husband a hand job with rough sandpaper so he could experience how uncomfortable it is for me.
How would you feel if you couldn't get an erection or it was soft and she pestered you? You are getting to the age men have erectile problems. Would you hope she would be understanding and realize she had a good marriage or should she be off wanking to porn and joining tinder sex app.

They aren't even 40. Come on. You really think a man in his 30s is unreasonable to balk at the idea of no more sex ever?

potatoheads · 01/11/2023 21:56

Pacificisolated · 29/10/2023 07:22

Why work so much? It’s clearly impacting on your wife.

Maybe if she worked full time he could cut back

Crikeyalmighty · 01/11/2023 21:59

I don't think many men realise a lot of women find chronic porn use repulsive and a total turn off - I'm not saying all but plenty do.

potatoheads · 01/11/2023 22:09

Crikeyalmighty · 01/11/2023 21:59

I don't think many men realise a lot of women find chronic porn use repulsive and a total turn off - I'm not saying all but plenty do.

OP hasn't said anything about chronic porn use. He has also said the porn came after the sex stopped do it's not the cause

TomatoSandwiches · 01/11/2023 22:16

potatoheads · 01/11/2023 21:42

OP has said he works 55 hours she works 25 so it's fair that she does more of the home stuff. He has said he does the cooking and all the car, outside work and maintenance, 1/4 of the ironing and doesn't need to ask or he told what to do as he grew up doing this stuff. It's not always because the man is not pulling his weight. It's just as often because of mismatched libidos. But blaming a man is the easy way rather than acknowledge that maybe she just doesn't feel horny anymore

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It doesn't really matter if he thinks it's fair or if they both on paper say the division is fair, if she is too tired and mentally busy with house hold load and the children then she's too tired and has less headspace for sex.
He is the one that is dissatisfied with the frequency of sex and looking for ways to encourage his wife.
Again, women do not experience desire the same way as men, it is a 24hr build up not a thought that pops in our heads and we are instantly up for it.
You are trying to solve this by expecting a woman to think like a man, it won't work.

potatoheads · 01/11/2023 22:24

@TomatoSandwiches Again, women do not experience desire the same way as men, it is a 24hr build up not a thought that pops in our heads and we are instantly up for it.
Thank you for womansplaining to me how female sexuality works. I don't know how I've managed to get to be a 57 woman without knowing this 🤔... for the record, I have a really high libido. I like sex. I find it relaxes me. The desire does indeed pop into my head randomly. But thanks for explaining how I should be womaning

Newstaronthehorizon · 01/11/2023 22:44

May be your wife was only interested in sex when she wanted to conceive? I know many women like that. Once they get the desired number of children the mum role takes centre stage. I think you will find this the norm, no matter what the magazines say!

Many men too are not interested beyond pleasuring themselves, especially if they can't be bothered to get their wives in the mood or can't be bothered with being reciprocal in the orgasm department, or have sexual urges that do not align in time with their partners.

This is all very common but perhaps taboo to speak about. Very few people are actually having mutually satisfactory sex lives, I don't know a single woman who actually enjoys giving BJ's and the majority of men are selfish in bed so no wonder most women would rather have a box of chocolates and undisturbed sleep without any undercurrent of pressure after a busy day.

TomatoSandwiches · 01/11/2023 23:08

potatoheads · 01/11/2023 22:24

@TomatoSandwiches Again, women do not experience desire the same way as men, it is a 24hr build up not a thought that pops in our heads and we are instantly up for it.
Thank you for womansplaining to me how female sexuality works. I don't know how I've managed to get to be a 57 woman without knowing this 🤔... for the record, I have a really high libido. I like sex. I find it relaxes me. The desire does indeed pop into my head randomly. But thanks for explaining how I should be womaning

There are as always exceptions to the general rule, congratulations to you!

Original poster

Dadvice · 01/11/2023 23:39

Mischance · 28/10/2023 17:49

So it stops me initiating and throw on some porn more often than not and sort myself out - and there you have it - it took a page and a half to get to it - but there it is.

Personally I do not fancy men who gain gratification from voyeurism and endorsement of the appalling denigration and exploitation of women that is involved in the porn industry.

This isn't about you, and I'm glad you don't fancy a man like me, its mutual. Your feelings on the porn industry are irrelevant and I wont live my life by your standards and be celibate because you don't like porn, you know next to zero about what my wife or I think about porn or how we consume it.

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Original poster

Dadvice · 01/11/2023 23:43

Qualityh20 · 28/10/2023 18:02

'I want her to want to have sex with me'

She has made it pretty clear she doesn't want to. You've been together 20+ years, had a great sex life but you can't/won't understand that your wife has not been interested for a few years. You say she won't tell you why, she has, she doesn't feel like it.

My husband jokingly says he had a hideous menopause! It wasn't fun for me either! 15 years ago drs wouldn't prescribe HRT due to ignorance. We love each other, we have a lot of fun, we cuddle, hold hands, laugh, travel, work, we are playful, other than penetration nothing has changed in our marriage. No my sex drive didn't come back. I did suggest giving my husband a hand job with rough sandpaper so he could experience how uncomfortable it is for me.
How would you feel if you couldn't get an erection or it was soft and she pestered you? You are getting to the age men have erectile problems. Would you hope she would be understanding and realize she had a good marriage or should she be off wanking to porn and joining tinder sex app.

Not sure if you read the OP, she hasn't made it clear. I don't have a good marriage, its missing a huge part of marriage.

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Original poster

Dadvice · 01/11/2023 23:48

Pumpkingnome · 28/10/2023 20:04

She's a great looking woman, especially for near 40

I mean this attitude alone would be enough of a reason to not to want to fuck you

Thank goodness. That takes a whole lot of weight off my mind.

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Dillane · 01/11/2023 23:49

She's a great looking woman, especially for near 40.

Poor old lass 🙄

Original poster

Dadvice · 01/11/2023 23:53

Pumpkingnome · 28/10/2023 20:31

😄😄 snowflake this up?

You can tell he watches porn from that comment alone. He's implying by the 'especially' part that women in their late 30's aren't usually attractive anymore, which is ridiculous!

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Have you asked the majority of men if they think women get better looking as they get older and they say yes I have a bridge to sell you. I'm pretty sure Women find younger men more attractive than the 40 year old dad. It wasn't a critique. Just how the world is.

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Screamingabdabz · 01/11/2023 23:55

I’m sorry but this is such a male perspective - all
about the physical.🙄
‘lack of sex is putting the marriage at risk’
‘she does the lion’s share of housework but I do my bit’
’I go to the gym to look good for her’
self self self…

Firstly - why is the ‘marriage’ all about you getting your dick wet? What about friendship? Laughter? Intimacy? Do you even like your wife’s company?

Secondly - a gym honed body is never going to do anything for a woman if you don’t make her feel good about herself.
Thirdly - taking the ‘lion’s share’ of running a house and looking after kids is the biggest passion killer ever. Why don’t you know this? If you were invested as much as she is, you’d be as knackered as her.
Lastly - not all women feel comfortable initiating.

Talk to your wife. Get to know her as a human being, not a sex doll.

Original poster

Dadvice · 01/11/2023 23:59

ooooahhh · 28/10/2023 21:11

Your attitude towards household management is a right turn off for me. When it's like this at home sex is just another chore. Also being desperate for sex/ acting starved of sex is a really off putting.

Well id be more than happy for my wife to at least double her working hours and I can very happily take on more house work, hell I wouldn't want her to lift a finger if I was only working 5 hours a day.

But that doesn't seem fair to me, a wife makes a house a home, she's the best at looking after her children, I would pale in comparison. I appreciate everything she does and I let her know that.

Good luck finding a partner that does the lions share of the work outside the home and in the home while you do whatever it is you do.

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Original poster

Dadvice · 02/11/2023 00:15

User8054245 · 29/10/2023 23:48

Nobody seems to have mentioned how she feels about her own body over the years? OP does she ever talk negatively about herself, e.g. complain about having gained or not being able to shift weight? Did she sustain any birth injuries during the 3 kids? Could she possibly have had lasting issues (incontinence or pelvic prolapse) that she has hidden from you for many years? Does she enjoy shopping and spending money on things just for her own appearance (clothes, makeup, hairstylist etc)? Does she have any money to spare to spend on herself, or do the children and household always come first? When you go on holiday, does she happily walk around in a bikini or always try to cover up with a kaftan, swimsuit or something similar? Does she paint her fingernails and toenails? Does she groom herself like making sure armpits, legs and possibly bikini zone are shaved (even in the absence of intimacy)?

All of these are potential red flags why a woman no longer wants sex. It has absolutely nothing to do with the attractiveness of their partner. Their own body no longer feels sexy and as soon as self-care tasks start to slide, it only multiplies that feeling. Just going to the gym a few times is absolutely nowhere near enough for a woman to feel better or happy in her own body. There are so many things that need to be done on a regular basis (shopping, grooming,. makeup, hair, nails, perfume etc) to make her feel somewhat sexy, desirable and as a individual woman again. It also requires time and money, two things that are in sore short supply if you are juggling a household of 3 kids.

If you want her to feel better, give her as much time to herself as possible. Let her have at least half a day a week to do whatever she wants. Go shopping together or go to places that require a bit of dressing up. Let the older siblings take care of the little one and book regular weekends away with just the two of you.

Yes her body has been an issue, she's never been big (size 8/10), but she's bigger than when before she had children (size 6/8), like many normal people she wishes to be a smaller size and I thought joint gym would be good for us. She's had breast surgery in the past something she talked about for many many years, I had no complaints and anything she wanted to enhance her self esteem I was all for it and the surgery did boost things for a while, but that's a few years ago now. She works in a profession that pretty much requires women to look pretty and she's naturally pretty anyway and has her nails and hair done regularly and things like that. Shes not super happy in a bikini, not that a man would complain about her wearing one but yea, she seems to have normal body hang-ups any person reaching midlife would have.

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Original poster

Dadvice · 02/11/2023 00:18

pelargoniums · 30/10/2023 09:15

Breaking this down from your wife’s perspective:

My husband wants more sex but I don’t have the energy for it. He “tries” to do his fair share around the home, activities with the kids and that, but I do the lion’s share – eg of ironing, he does 25% and I do 75%.

He works 55 hours a week and I do 25 hours work, all the schoolruns and homework, so about the same but with higher mental load and less satisfaction, school runs being less fulfilling than work – plus my job is self employed and stressful, but he says no more than anyone else’s.

I’m not thrilled with my body, I have a muffin top, but although my husband says I’m attractive “for my age” , he encouraged me to go to the gym. And early in the morning! He has no understanding of how exhausted I am. I’m perimenopausal, I get the kids up, breakfasted, to school, go to work, do the school run and supervise homework, so despite working 25 hours I’ve little time to myself, even though he wants me to see myself as more than just mum – but when do I get the chance if I’m always doing school runs and homework? And he says that’s just the way life is right now.

Our sex life was OK but he has no idea when I’ve faked orgasms or just had sex out of duty. He keeps asking me if I’m still having orgasms and I’m like “shouldn’t you know?!”

He says he can’t take on any more of the household chores than he already does, but has the energy for his new gym obsession. Also, he spells it “restbite”.

Your outlook is terrible. You have my condolences but your don't know a thing. Feel free to ask me though.

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wellerhugs5 · 02/11/2023 00:30

bonzaitree · 28/10/2023 15:22

You have three kids and I assume a house and jobs.

Your solution to sexlessness was to spend time in the gym alone.

I mean this kindly but getting in shape was never the answer.

Im not in your relationship so I don’t know what the answer for you is but it’s very likely to be that your wife has a shit load on her plate and you need to step up what you’re doing.

And I don’t mean asking her « what do you need help with » on an ad hoc basis. That’s not the answer. Pick a big job and take responsibility for that job 100%. For example, laundry. That means you wash dry iron fold and put away all the clothes plus monitoring the washing powder etc. You make sure the kids have uniforms and you and your wife have work clothes for the week.

And you do all of this big job consistently without conversation or complaint forever. Bingo your wife has more headspace and will respect you a hell of a lot more. Her attraction will naturally increase towards you because you’re acting like a real partner.

I agree with you 1000%

MrsElsa · 02/11/2023 00:33

You mentioned your youngest child was an accidental pregnancy? Is that not a factor, she's afraid of it happening again? Have you had a vasectomy? If not, there might be a lot of fear and stress preying on her mind around sex and it likely feels unsafe for her?

Springforward1 · 02/11/2023 00:40

potatoheads · 01/11/2023 22:24

@TomatoSandwiches Again, women do not experience desire the same way as men, it is a 24hr build up not a thought that pops in our heads and we are instantly up for it.
Thank you for womansplaining to me how female sexuality works. I don't know how I've managed to get to be a 57 woman without knowing this 🤔... for the record, I have a really high libido. I like sex. I find it relaxes me. The desire does indeed pop into my head randomly. But thanks for explaining how I should be womaning

I wish more 40/50/60 plus women who agree with this would add their own similar experience. The menopause is troublesome for most women although It's nonsense to promote the idea that this means if you are not on hrt, or even if you are, you can expect to dry up and lose your sex drive. When you research menopause and symptoms you will inevitably find loss of sex drive on the list. My message to young women is don't think this happens to everyone,it doesn't,in fact it can increase in older women. Why is this never mentioned in professional menopause articles? 🤷‍♀️

Original poster

Dadvice · 02/11/2023 00:44

Just getting round to reading all the reply's now, a lot of caustic posts, sorry you guys feel that way, I hope things turn out good for you, but you probably shouldn't be giving advice to other people if you cannot be civil and understanding.

As I've said before, and others have pointed out. My older kids require very little, they are settled, intelligent, thoughtful and independent, they add very little and infact are a net benefit to the house work as they do their share too.

No one will tell me I don't do enough around the house, but ill pretty much guarantee any man doing my hours in my job will be doing a lot less around the home than I am, I don't know a man who does and its probably a minimum 55 hours a week. Should I work less? Should we downsize our home and give up the cars and family holidays and nice family Christmases so i can do more around the house and my wifes workload is lightened, it sounds selfish.

My wife and I tend to not have time "away" together, he job pretty much rules that out but that is her passion and I cannot fault her for that. When we do go away as just us 2 or a group of adults its great. But this shouldn't be the only time its great.

Maybe we will get through this, maybe we will not but it will be more likely not if things don't change. The sadder I get the more that being not married seems an option. I know this will enrage some people but I have explained this to my wife from my point of view and listened to how she feels but our incompatible sex drives remain. I just cant get to the bottom of it without realising this may be our final chapters together as I've tried the majority of things suggested here. Ill try more education for me from the books suggested but while being understanding is important it wont change the issue at hand.

OP posts:

Original poster

Dadvice · 02/11/2023 00:44

MrsElsa · 02/11/2023 00:33

You mentioned your youngest child was an accidental pregnancy? Is that not a factor, she's afraid of it happening again? Have you had a vasectomy? If not, there might be a lot of fear and stress preying on her mind around sex and it likely feels unsafe for her?

We cannot have anymore children together.

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Acuppaisbetterthanprosecco · 02/11/2023 00:48

OP, I have not read the majority of responses, but I just wanted to say how lovely you sound and I really hope that you can communicate your unhappiness to your wife. I know that having sex with your partner is a way to show love and feel loved, and that is what is missing for you. Your youngest is still quite young and as they get older you will have more time as a couple. I wish you well and hope that you can work things out, because your wife sounds wonderful too.