Why did you atop having sex?

[Dadvice]

I'll probably catch some heat for this.

Why did you stop having sex?

I've a great wife, both of us approaching 40. 3 kids who are really great. For the past few years our sex life has dwindled, sometimes it can be months between sex. I can't remember the last time my wife initiated sex, and now it feels creepy because its always me initiating, and while she very rarely says no and does seem to enjoy herself I can't help feel that I'm the problem. My problems is I would like more sex, her problem is she says there is no problem I am struggling to believe. She's a great looking woman, especially for near 40. I was very athletic when we met and she wasn't shy about telling me this, so i thought i would get back in shape for her. Ive never put on weight but I did join the gym several months ago and I've never been fitter or felt more confident in my body and the way i look. She says I look great but it's not made a difference. I spend time with her when she finishes work, I try to romance her, I buy her gifts big and small, I try to be thoughtful, I try to do my fair share around the home, activities with the kids and that.

She says there is nothing wrong when i bring it up, she says shes just not got a high sex drive but I'm not sure i could cope much longer with this amount of intimacy and always having to initiate sex. We have only had sex 4 times this year. Am I being unreasonable? What more should I do. Send help.

Are a lot of posters missing the age of the children? They are one adult, one teenager and a nine year old. The OPs wife isn't running around after three toddlers!

School runs? Get the kids up and breakfasted, supervise homework?? Have you seen the age of the 'kids'? There are a lot of assumptions in your post that you have just made up and have no idea if they're true. You have no idea if she's menopausal etc. You have no idea if all the extras she does on top of her 25 hrs of work equal what the DH does at work and around the home.
The lengths people on here go to to defend women at all costs is laughable.

Haha, “defend women”! From what, the crime of not having sex with OP?

I have seen the age of the children, actually: an 11 year age gap is a bit of a shitter, because even if the older one is “done”, parenting-wise (except not, if they’re still at home), she’s still slogging away with the nine year old. Assuming they make their own way to school age 11, she’s been doing school runs for umpteen years (cba to do the maths but basically far longer than someone who had kids close together has to do it for). She’s had kids at home for 20 years now, and if the youngest doesn’t move out til 20 as well, that’s another 11 years to go. Maybe she’s over it?

(It was the OP who mentioned she gets them up and out the house, anyway, not my invention; I’m assuming the 20yo does it themselves but perhaps the 16yo is of the sluggish teen variety?)

Did it all in simalar fashion, didn't lose interest & same with many friends, admittedly not all. Too much generalising that all women with children and jobs go off intimacy with their partner. What about holidays and days off. I dont believe all women are stressed out and exhausted to the max 24/7
7 days a week, 365 days a year. There must be other issues within the marriage, especially if a sexless marriage is not a mutual agreement.

Correction 'Similar' 🤦‍♀️🤣

@Poniesandrainbows I know what you are saying but I think 'defend' isa bit rich. It's not a court case where the bloke is entitled to contractual sex.

As per my previous post maybe the reason is she no longer fancies him that way-.likes the lifestyle, cares about him a lot and doesn't want to split. This may not be enough for him though-I get that. Sometimes partners need to think the somewhat unpalatable and that it's not connected to how much he/she does day to day and no amount of bathroom cleaning will sort that issue

I was the opposite!
Interesting how that type of medication can have such differences one person to another.

Very very true!
My exP was abusive, but also got issues and partly ways that are a bit connected to his background, culture etc.
However many from his background are not the same.
He was either out, or home on the phone and I mean non stop. Then moaning about lack of sex 🤷🏻‍♀️ almost thinking that he has done nothing to affect that, and that just by putting it down i should have turned in to a performer, wasn't willing to make effort.

Not had any of these issues since I separated from him.

Thoroughly enjoyed dating and having a bf since then.
Plus because of having my DC. We would stay together at weekends and be doing it 3-5 times 😆 Shame that came to an end 🤣

I wouldn't want to sleep with someone who said I looked good "for my age" and needed to go to the gym no matter how much housework he did.

there is not current blood test that can diagnose Peri, it is assessed by symptoms reported.

I was diagnosed as Peri Menopausal through blood tests at a fertility clinic.

I’ll be honest and it’s prob not a popular opinion… but it’s not ok to just check out of sex with your partner. Being in a relationship with someone who isn’t asexual brings with it certain assumptions about maximising effort to maintain a working, sexual relationship. OP - I’d have an honest conversation about fixing the dead bedroom situation and ask her what can help. Try and respond. But I’m aghast at why so many people are surprised at why marriages falll apart when one party stops wanting sex …

💯👍

Because it's crap, it hurts like hell and I'm not sure I find him attractive anymore...if we didn't have children we would definitely have split by now.

We still have sex but loads less. Mainly because he is guaranteed an orgasm every single time and I’m not. He’s come before and rolled straight off me to go to sleep. I asked what he’s doing and that it’s my turn now to come, for him to actually sigh and act like my pleasure is a chore. Very offputting!

Also, his personal hygiene isn’t as great as it was 25 years ago. If I have to remind him to brush his teeth before getting into bed for sex then it’s not happening, I’m his wife not mother.

Also sometimes the sex is pretty shit. He doesn’t last long and won’t do anything to help that. He’d rather mope about after feeling sorry for himself he doesn’t last long.

They are my reasons. I am so sure if he knew what mumsnet was he’d be on here wondering why a great looking, fit, mid 40’s man who works hard, earns good and occasionally helps with housework doesn’t get laid as often as he used to.

We haven't stopped as such, but we've went from once or twice a week for the first nearly 20 years, to about every 5-6 weeks this year.

My reasons - developing a womb prolapse which makes things uncomfortable and makes me really self conscious and him refusing to speak with me about it really, he seems squeamish about it and it has really, really, hurt me, by acting squeamish and refusing to talk about it, even though I know he doesn't mean to hurt my feelings. Also prone to UTIs so it's this preventative not spontaneous routine.

I miss him so much and our sex life 😥😥. We do other things, but I'm constantly scared this won't be enough and what will happen to our relationship which was always pretty good.

So - sometimes it's physical reasons. A lot of men don't seem to understand how some women feel about our bodies / birth injuries etc affect us deeply.

The only symptom this woman has that we know of is not being motivated to have sex. That can be caused by all sorts of things.

She may even be motivated to having sex, just not with OP.

She may even be having lots of sex, just not with OP.

Because,

He’s emotionally unavailable at any time. I’m always a mental burden to him if I express myself. He sulks like a child.

He only really cares about his on gratification. He’s never made me climax. In 30 years.

He has anlways had impotence problems so there’s no spontaneous exchange.

He hasn’t been to a dentist for 15 years.

He won’t always wash, he never cleans his own toilet/sink/bath.

He can be really rough without realising.

I had kids, and I don't want sex any more. Its a boring chore. He makes an effort with everything, is in the best shape ever, so I don't know why. Sometimes I wonder if it's little things that add up. He never picks up the phone, never remembers stuff I'm doing, I hate his parenting, and I guess also I just don't often come so I can't really be arsed. I put out anyway because whatever.

I left it in the end.

I've been in a relationship for two years and the sex is great.

I'm a single mother of three teenagers.

This is so sad. You say "I dont know why" my aim would be to find out why through open discussion cause despite not liking his parenting style (whats wrong with it) it sounds like your DH does care. There are loads of reasons for not picking up the phone & it's rarely a deliberate act to cause upset. 🤷‍♀️

That sounds awful, do you feel you can take steps to leave ?

I gave up sex with my exH because he watched so much porn and did so much masturbating that he could no longer get it up with a normal woman. He wanted sex all the time but then couldn't get hard or keep hard and it's exhausting flogging a dead horse.
He was fit and healthy and younger than me and no reasons for his erectile dysfunction from the GP.
I asked him to give up watching porn because I find it repellant but he would not so that was that.

OP has said he works 55 hours she works 25 so it's fair that she does more of the home stuff. He has said he does the cooking and all the car, outside work and maintenance, 1/4 of the ironing and doesn't need to ask or he told what to do as he grew up doing this stuff. It's not always because the man is not pulling his weight. It's just as often because of mismatched libidos. But blaming a man is the easy way rather than acknowledge that maybe she just doesn't feel horny anymore