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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Am I imagining it or is this gaslighting?

155 replies

fabulosaaa · 28/10/2023 08:26

I think I know that it is but as is often the case I am doubting my judgement on the matter.

Before we left he kept touching me up, despite me telling him to stop. I bent down to empty the washing machine, he groped me from behind, I walked past to get to the garden, he groped my boobs, I stand in the lounge he comes up from behind and gropes me again. I ask him to stop and he basically says you can't get all dressed up and expect me not to want to touch you.

Last night we went to a Halloween party type thing at a pub, me, him and one of my daughters. We were sat down at at table and he reached down and pinched my bum realllly fucking hard, I asked him why have you just done that?! He said oh I didn't mean to. My daughter leaves the table, walks round to him and jokingly hit him on the arm saying something along the lines of that's what you get for hurting my mummy (she's 7, autistic).

We get home, as we're going through the front door he slaps my bum really really hard, despite my daughter being there I can't help myself and spin round and say STOP IT! That really really hurt!!!!!! Again, my daughter then slaps him and says you've hurt my mummy that's what you get! She did it in a joking way, she wasn't frightened or distressed. He then tries to tell her that adults are allowed to slap each others bums etc and all I'm thinking is no she saw what she saw, she seen that you hurt me and now you're trying to make her think otherwise?

Later on in the evening he pours us drinks. Bearing in mind last weekend he found 4 bottles of 50ml gin that was a gift set type thing that I completely forgot I had. I questioned him throughout the evening asking why my fruit cider tasted like it had spirits in it, he flatly denied and got cross with me. I got very very drunk very quickly, ended up vomiting, shaking, felt violently ill. He was helping me as I was vomiting. It was only the next day I remembered the gins that I had in the cupboard and eventually he admitted it. I watched him throw the last one away. Last night my drinks tasted weird, i questioned him and all he kept saying was you watched me throw the last one in the kitchen bin! But I swear I could taste it! After two drinks I felt really sick and worried he had put spirits in my drink stopped drinking, which annoyed him more.

Then my daughter came downstairs for a drink of milk, she remembered he had eaten all her sweets last weekend while she was at her dads and jokingly said you ate all my sweets! You better go Asda and get me some new ones!! (I watched him eat all her sweets, asked him to stop because she will remember exactly what sweets are in there and caught on a bad day the change in sweets will set her off because of the change). He then tried to tell her that he didn't eat any and that it was her sister!!! Then when she'd gone says "what are you trying to do fabulosaaa?" "Why are you telling her I ate them? Are you trying to turn her against me?" "I didn't eat them, her sister did" I said I remember sitting next to you, we had a conversation about it, I watched you eat them, why are you trying to make me think different? He then said oh I only had a few then when I came the next day they were all gone. I reminded him he hadn't been to my house in the week and that my girls had finished the few remaining sweets on top of a bowl of ice cream, so I had seen the tub get emptied and thrown it away, so he hadn't seen the empty tub and again asked why he was trying to make me thinking something different. He then sits there and says "ok fabulosaaa... (sigh)".

Then I went to bed. Sometime in the early hours he comes up, rips the duvet down so my boobs were exposed and comes at them head and hands first. I told him to get off and turned over. He then comes at me from behind for a cuddle, freezing cold and puts his cold hands and legs all over me I ask again get off!!! He then starts caressing and trying to touch me and I lost it a bit and said I have asked you 4 fucking times to get off me! Have some fucking respect and LISTEN!! He then acts all hurt saying he's trying to be loving etc etc and I said you can't love someone you don't respect. And fell asleep.

Sorry it's long, just wanted to give full context really. I know these might sound trivial but I can't talk to my friends and family about it. I guess I just need someone to say I'm not imagining things. And that I'm not mean and heartless for rejecting the constant 'cuddles'.

OP posts:
Peridot1 · 28/10/2023 08:29

Jesus. Dump him. He’s horrible. Even your 7 year old can see that.

fabulosaaa · 28/10/2023 08:30

Just to add, after I 'accused' him of spiking my drink with spirits again he says something along the lines of "yesss fabulosaaa ive spiked you, maybe next time I'll use rufy, only takes 2 or 3 drops and that's odourless and tasteless" sarcastically. But it's made me uneasy.

OP posts:
Motnight · 28/10/2023 08:31

This is awful.

And the fact that your DD is witness to this. You need to protect her, if not yourself.

fabulosaaa · 28/10/2023 08:32

Motnight · 28/10/2023 08:31

This is awful.

And the fact that your DD is witness to this. You need to protect her, if not yourself.

He never normally acts like this in front of her.

OP posts:
TheCrystalPalace · 28/10/2023 08:33

Your post has made me feel quite ill.
No, you are NOT imagining it; he is a sleaze and you need to get rid, quick.
What is the setup here? Are you living together? Financially dependent?

LoveSeptember · 28/10/2023 08:34

Wow. These are not little things. He sounds fucking horrific. He assaults you in front of your child, spikes you, gas lights you and your child, won't accept a no and threatens to drug you. Get him away from your family!

Tlolljs · 28/10/2023 08:34

Oh get rid of him. Today just get rid. He is a creep.

Spidersfreakmeout · 28/10/2023 08:35

Your girls are watching this. I’m surmising he’s not the Dad of either of them? Do not allow this in front of them. They need to see heathy relationships modelled.

Get rid of this nasty man.

Maddy70 · 28/10/2023 08:36

He's horrific. Get rid

Just the gin alone is enough let alone everything else

fabulosaaa · 28/10/2023 08:36

No we don't live together, we used to but I kicked him out. I'm completely financially independent.

He knows how to get in my head that's the issue. And always makes me believe that I've remembered it wrong, or that it's not as bad as im thinking things are.

And we have an expensive holiday booked that's due to take place in a couple of weeks time that I don't want to lose my money on but truth be told im already thinking about how I go about avoiding sleeping with him on said holiday. It's all a mess

OP posts:
fabulosaaa · 28/10/2023 08:38

The gin thing, is really really weird isn't it? I felt a bit violated, especially as it made me so so poorly, the night of and the next day.

OP posts:
beastlyslumber · 28/10/2023 08:38

Are you serious? He spikes your drink, sexually assaults you, threatens you with a date rape drug, lies and gaslights you and your daughter... Get rid of him immediately.

Just block him on all channels. If he has a key to your house, call a locksmith and get the locks changed today. If he comes round, call the police.

He is dangerous. He's going to hurt you and your kids.

minieggsandmaltesers · 28/10/2023 08:39

The holiday is money you have spent anyway. I'd not want to go with him
He sounds disgusting.

beastlyslumber · 28/10/2023 08:40

Don't go on holiday with him. The money doesn't matter. He hates you and you are being abused. Just end it.

Orio2023 · 28/10/2023 08:40

Ugh. This mans sexually assaulting you regularly in front of your daughter.

You don’t live together, what is stopping you from getting rid of him.

Thepossibility · 28/10/2023 08:40

You obviously shouldn't have this creep in your house. You aren't safe and your children aren't either.
Who is protecting them while their mother is potentially being drugged by her sexually motivated boyfriend?

Hibambinos · 28/10/2023 08:41

It’s all weird. It’s all nasty. Please get rid.

GrumpyOldCrone · 28/10/2023 08:42

He knows how to get in my head that's the issue. And always makes me believe that I've remembered it wrong, or that it's not as bad as im thinking things are.

Why does he get to decide how bad things are?

It would be safer not to go on holiday with him. He’s abusive and he might become even more abusive on holiday when you’re in an unfamiliar place and you have no friends or family nearby. Yes, you’ll lose money if you don’t go. But going on holiday with an abusive man is a huge risk.

IDontLoveTheWayYouLie · 28/10/2023 08:43

He's a cunt and you and your kids don't need this shit.

Wolfen · 28/10/2023 08:43

How can you have him around you and your young dc?
This man is awful. He has no consideration for you at all and thinks nothing of putting you in danger. You got rid of him then let him work his way back in? How on Earth did he do that?
See how much money you would lose from cancelling this holiday and consider it and never see him again.

fabulosaaa · 28/10/2023 08:44

What's stopping me is I use his car. He got given a company car from work, so I bought his car, to pay off monthly, basically took over the finance. I've paid about £2000, I would lose the car, get no money back to buy another one, my work and the kids school are 20ish miles away.

OP posts:
prettydesertflower · 28/10/2023 08:45

I am so sorry about your absolutely awful treatment. Sadly, it will be worse when you are on holiday. You have to choose yourself and stop all contact between you and your children and this man who does not respect your boundaries or theirs as children.

FrancescaContini · 28/10/2023 08:45

Get this creepy violent liar out of your house and away from your children for ever. I struggle to believe you need to be told this. Your daughter will be damaged by witnessing the way he treats you. He might smack her next.

Sunandnomoon · 28/10/2023 08:46

These things don’t sound trivial. It does sound like you have low standards and low self esteem. Have you been in abusive relationships before?

Blanca87 · 28/10/2023 08:47

Protect your children. This relationship is unbelievably toxic, why are you afraid to dump him?