Am I imagining it or is this gaslighting?

[fabulosaaa]

I think I know that it is but as is often the case I am doubting my judgement on the matter.

Before we left he kept touching me up, despite me telling him to stop. I bent down to empty the washing machine, he groped me from behind, I walked past to get to the garden, he groped my boobs, I stand in the lounge he comes up from behind and gropes me again. I ask him to stop and he basically says you can't get all dressed up and expect me not to want to touch you.

Last night we went to a Halloween party type thing at a pub, me, him and one of my daughters. We were sat down at at table and he reached down and pinched my bum realllly fucking hard, I asked him why have you just done that?! He said oh I didn't mean to. My daughter leaves the table, walks round to him and jokingly hit him on the arm saying something along the lines of that's what you get for hurting my mummy (she's 7, autistic).

We get home, as we're going through the front door he slaps my bum really really hard, despite my daughter being there I can't help myself and spin round and say STOP IT! That really really hurt!!!!!! Again, my daughter then slaps him and says you've hurt my mummy that's what you get! She did it in a joking way, she wasn't frightened or distressed. He then tries to tell her that adults are allowed to slap each others bums etc and all I'm thinking is no she saw what she saw, she seen that you hurt me and now you're trying to make her think otherwise?

Later on in the evening he pours us drinks. Bearing in mind last weekend he found 4 bottles of 50ml gin that was a gift set type thing that I completely forgot I had. I questioned him throughout the evening asking why my fruit cider tasted like it had spirits in it, he flatly denied and got cross with me. I got very very drunk very quickly, ended up vomiting, shaking, felt violently ill. He was helping me as I was vomiting. It was only the next day I remembered the gins that I had in the cupboard and eventually he admitted it. I watched him throw the last one away. Last night my drinks tasted weird, i questioned him and all he kept saying was you watched me throw the last one in the kitchen bin! But I swear I could taste it! After two drinks I felt really sick and worried he had put spirits in my drink stopped drinking, which annoyed him more.

Then my daughter came downstairs for a drink of milk, she remembered he had eaten all her sweets last weekend while she was at her dads and jokingly said you ate all my sweets! You better go Asda and get me some new ones!! (I watched him eat all her sweets, asked him to stop because she will remember exactly what sweets are in there and caught on a bad day the change in sweets will set her off because of the change). He then tried to tell her that he didn't eat any and that it was her sister!!! Then when she'd gone says "what are you trying to do fabulosaaa?" "Why are you telling her I ate them? Are you trying to turn her against me?" "I didn't eat them, her sister did" I said I remember sitting next to you, we had a conversation about it, I watched you eat them, why are you trying to make me think different? He then said oh I only had a few then when I came the next day they were all gone. I reminded him he hadn't been to my house in the week and that my girls had finished the few remaining sweets on top of a bowl of ice cream, so I had seen the tub get emptied and thrown it away, so he hadn't seen the empty tub and again asked why he was trying to make me thinking something different. He then sits there and says "ok fabulosaaa... (sigh)".

Then I went to bed. Sometime in the early hours he comes up, rips the duvet down so my boobs were exposed and comes at them head and hands first. I told him to get off and turned over. He then comes at me from behind for a cuddle, freezing cold and puts his cold hands and legs all over me I ask again get off!!! He then starts caressing and trying to touch me and I lost it a bit and said I have asked you 4 fucking times to get off me! Have some fucking respect and LISTEN!! He then acts all hurt saying he's trying to be loving etc etc and I said you can't love someone you don't respect. And fell asleep.

Sorry it's long, just wanted to give full context really. I know these might sound trivial but I can't talk to my friends and family about it. I guess I just need someone to say I'm not imagining things. And that I'm not mean and heartless for rejecting the constant 'cuddles'.

Ffs bin him.

You have DDs - be a decent role model and show them women are not playthings and are to be respected.

You’re staying with an abuser because of a car??? Protect yourself and your children and do let a car stop you. He sounds awful. You do not have to put up with what he is doing to you. Try to find a solution to the transport situation as soon as possible and make sure he never comes back.

Don't go on holiday with him - you won't be safe.

And also if you go you will still end up spending more money - food drinks and the usual holiday spending.

That's rape. He had sex with you without your valid consent.

You need to get away from this man physically and emotionally. He's dangerous.

you don’t need a Claire’s Law application because you already know this man is abusive, because he’s abusing you and your daughter.

If you stay with this man you are showing your DD how to expect to be treated in a relationship. You say he hasn't previously acted like that in front of them before. If that's true, it means he's escalating. He will continue and he will get worse. Do you want them to think that's how men will treat them, and they have to put up with it and stick around?

No!!! They need to see that if someone hurts you, you leave them. If someone makes fun of you being in pain, you leave them. If someone touches you in a way you don't like, you leave.

Just the fact he stole all your DD sweets then lied about it, shows he's an idiot, and a poor role model.

But the constant sexual assault on you, the getting you drunk / likely spiking your drinks, the lying and gaslighting...... please get away from this man and stay away from him. A good place to start would be to be honest with your family and ask for their help.

And please don't let him back in again. I really fear for your DD's future as well as your present.

I am seriously worried for your DD. More so that you. You are an adult, she is a child. This is a red flag that grooming you, is really grooming her. I hope to hell that the abuse has not already started but I would not be surprised that what you’re going through is only the tip of the iceberg and that in years to come you will discover what has really been going on when your back is turned. I hope to hell this is not the case, but the most dangerous thing for children is when mummy lets a man into her home and who isn’t the biological father of her children.

you should be in high alert and not give this manipulator any further chances. If anything happens to your DD then quite frankly it’s on you.

I cannot believe you think you might be overreacting to this continuous assault from a disgusting piece of shit.

@fabulosaaa, if I’m correct, this is the sadistic psychopath who has:

*repeatedly slapped and punched you
*repeatedly torn and ripped off your clothes and underwear
*sexually assaulted you
*burned your crotch
*torn your nipple
*pushed you into the shower rail and hurt your back
*brought women into your home when you’ve been away (and then you found their underwear)
*abused your animals
*destroyed your property
*urinated on your floors
*abused alcohol in your home and encouraged you to do so (and is now sickening you by spiking your drinks)
*been on cocaine
*used prostitutes supplied by his drug dealer

You’ve broken up and gone back 20+ times. Police and SS have been involved. You’ve had him arrested for sexual assault and emotional coercion, but didn’t follow through. You choose to weaken your boundaries and allow him to bamboozle you every time. Would you be okay with your daughters repeatedly tolerating such heinous mistreatment?

You’ve been to two refuges with your girls. The last time I saw you here was last year. We held your hand while you fled to safety, but you quit updating after 3 weeks.

Throughout your many threads, we have all felt great fear for the girls. We’ve warned you that they are in danger from this predator. Three years ago, you insisted that they were shielded from the monster’s abuse, but eventually DD1 became aware. Now DD2 has also become directly involved in the violence. This is child abuse.

Both of your children are witnesses/victims of his domestic violence and sexual assaults on you, and are in danger of being personally sexually abused by him. They are being set up for damaged futures, their lives sacrificed on the altar of your addiction to this dangerous, sadistic criminal.

DD1’s father helped you get away when you went to the first refuge. Perhaps he can help you get a car if you can’t transfer the payments for this one.

@fabulosaaa, you’ve received tons of advice and support here, as well as professional support. When will you say ‘Enough’ and really mean it? When will you protect your children and prioritize their safety and well-being by getting a restraining order and definitively cutting this evil malignancy out of your lives?

Wow @MsDogLady that is horrific to read.

@fabulosaaa it can take on average 7 attempts for women to leave abusive men. You have left before and you can again.

@MsDogLady I actually really appreciate you writing all of that. I'm going to screen shot it and use it to refer back to, can be really easy to forget everything.

Have told my mum today, despite the fact she already hates him she's admitted she thinks he's dangerous and worries constantly. Have discussed the possibility of my stepdad helping with school runs etc until I sort a car. I think the spiking and rufy threat is the cherry on the cake so to speak, my gut is screaming at me. Also realised that him spiking me with alcohol in order to persuade me to have sex is sexual coercion, of which he's been charged with previous.

Gona contact womens aid for advice, then I'll just cut it dead, change my number and my mum said if he comes anywhere near she will call the police and report him for everything he's done, also that she will warn him of her intention.

It's really hard to leave with limited support so I hope she does support me.

Come on fabulosaa you can do this.

You are strong enough to do this and its good you have the support of your Mum.

You mention he was charged with sexual coercion before, when did you find out about that? Did you not see that as a massive red flag?

When you're done with him you would really benefit from counselling.

Good luck with moving on.

@SortingItOut ashamed to admit it but it was coercion against me. I had him arrested, his solicitor prewarned him he was likely to go to prison for what he had done. Then he got in my head and I withdrew my statement. I worry for the next woman he meets.

Once you're out amd feeling string enough, it might be worth reporting him again. Even if nothing comes of it, at least there will be a record for anyone who wants to check in future. I also suspect police intervention will be necessary in order to keep him away. The best thing you can do is show you are not afraid to ask for police backup.

OP I really hope you resolve this well for yourself. No one deserves the treatment you've had

I think you are taking this very seriously and you do have to consider the practicalities. If I were in your shoes I would phone up the FInance/HP lender to discuss? What have you got to lose?

I'd report him, I bet he's done that to people

LTB

Oh @fabulosaaa you really neee to get out.

You are strong enough to do this.

You shouldn't be with a man who treats you like this.

How are you doing today?

They won't inform him if you run a claires law no, but I mean, you don't need to - because you already know he is abusive.

This time, when you leave him, get a new phone and don't give your number to anyone apart from work and very, very trusted friends or family.

Maybe de-activate your social media too. Or at least, set everything to private and delete any profiles from your friend list whom you don't know in person incase its him snooping. And don't post information about your location or anything else you wouldn't want him to know about.

If he shows up at your home, do not answer answer door. Call the police.

Warn your work you have just left an abusive relationship so they can keep watch for him showing up.

He cannot get you back unless you choose to go back. You just have to be in the mindset of anything he does to harass or pursue you after you leave, being something you need to ignore or, if it continues or is threatening (to you or towards himself or others) report to the police. Not respond to. Don't be sucked into his games.

Be careful of giving out your new address to companies like car financing etc when transferring over anything. I'd let the car go tbh.

Even if it wasn’t in front of the kids it’s vile. You need to send him packing!

How are you doing OP?

This is exactly what I thought