Am I imagining it or is this gaslighting?

[fabulosaaa]

I think I know that it is but as is often the case I am doubting my judgement on the matter.

Before we left he kept touching me up, despite me telling him to stop. I bent down to empty the washing machine, he groped me from behind, I walked past to get to the garden, he groped my boobs, I stand in the lounge he comes up from behind and gropes me again. I ask him to stop and he basically says you can't get all dressed up and expect me not to want to touch you.

Last night we went to a Halloween party type thing at a pub, me, him and one of my daughters. We were sat down at at table and he reached down and pinched my bum realllly fucking hard, I asked him why have you just done that?! He said oh I didn't mean to. My daughter leaves the table, walks round to him and jokingly hit him on the arm saying something along the lines of that's what you get for hurting my mummy (she's 7, autistic).

We get home, as we're going through the front door he slaps my bum really really hard, despite my daughter being there I can't help myself and spin round and say STOP IT! That really really hurt!!!!!! Again, my daughter then slaps him and says you've hurt my mummy that's what you get! She did it in a joking way, she wasn't frightened or distressed. He then tries to tell her that adults are allowed to slap each others bums etc and all I'm thinking is no she saw what she saw, she seen that you hurt me and now you're trying to make her think otherwise?

Later on in the evening he pours us drinks. Bearing in mind last weekend he found 4 bottles of 50ml gin that was a gift set type thing that I completely forgot I had. I questioned him throughout the evening asking why my fruit cider tasted like it had spirits in it, he flatly denied and got cross with me. I got very very drunk very quickly, ended up vomiting, shaking, felt violently ill. He was helping me as I was vomiting. It was only the next day I remembered the gins that I had in the cupboard and eventually he admitted it. I watched him throw the last one away. Last night my drinks tasted weird, i questioned him and all he kept saying was you watched me throw the last one in the kitchen bin! But I swear I could taste it! After two drinks I felt really sick and worried he had put spirits in my drink stopped drinking, which annoyed him more.

Then my daughter came downstairs for a drink of milk, she remembered he had eaten all her sweets last weekend while she was at her dads and jokingly said you ate all my sweets! You better go Asda and get me some new ones!! (I watched him eat all her sweets, asked him to stop because she will remember exactly what sweets are in there and caught on a bad day the change in sweets will set her off because of the change). He then tried to tell her that he didn't eat any and that it was her sister!!! Then when she'd gone says "what are you trying to do fabulosaaa?" "Why are you telling her I ate them? Are you trying to turn her against me?" "I didn't eat them, her sister did" I said I remember sitting next to you, we had a conversation about it, I watched you eat them, why are you trying to make me think different? He then said oh I only had a few then when I came the next day they were all gone. I reminded him he hadn't been to my house in the week and that my girls had finished the few remaining sweets on top of a bowl of ice cream, so I had seen the tub get emptied and thrown it away, so he hadn't seen the empty tub and again asked why he was trying to make me thinking something different. He then sits there and says "ok fabulosaaa... (sigh)".

Then I went to bed. Sometime in the early hours he comes up, rips the duvet down so my boobs were exposed and comes at them head and hands first. I told him to get off and turned over. He then comes at me from behind for a cuddle, freezing cold and puts his cold hands and legs all over me I ask again get off!!! He then starts caressing and trying to touch me and I lost it a bit and said I have asked you 4 fucking times to get off me! Have some fucking respect and LISTEN!! He then acts all hurt saying he's trying to be loving etc etc and I said you can't love someone you don't respect. And fell asleep.

Sorry it's long, just wanted to give full context really. I know these might sound trivial but I can't talk to my friends and family about it. I guess I just need someone to say I'm not imagining things. And that I'm not mean and heartless for rejecting the constant 'cuddles'.

@Pinkbonbon that's really helpful advice, thankyou. Definately going to change my number, ive learnt before that even blocking him doesn't work. Can't seems to block his emails tho, I block his personal and work emails but somehow they have always still come through.

I'm just keeping quiet and compliant atm until I have some solid plans.

Last night wasn't great. He threw oranges at my head - all jokingly as he always does but as I always suspect, the joke is just to cover the dick behaviour. I was just scrolling my phone and then bang! Oranges. One day I'll laugh I'm sure. Then his way of apology was to lean on my face and his glasses dug in and I just went upstairs and cried. I'd had enough. Went to bed early, decided to play a bingo game on my phone. Fell asleep, woke up and couldn't find my phone. He woke me in the night being all touchy, I couldn't get back to sleep so went downstairs, had suspicions about not being able to find my phone (I put it on charge every night like clockwork) so had a look at screen time history - he had not only checked my phone but had been on my bingo app and spent all the money on it (only £10 but that's my £10!) so he must have taken my phone out of my hand while I was asleep and it was unlocked.

Again, all sounds trivial but just seems like another layer of the fucking cake.

Forgot to add, the screen time app suggests he checked all my apps capable of messages.

My phone automatically locks after a set time of inactivity. Have a look in your settings to change yours to 1 minute etc, and take off face or fingerprint recognition. Use a pin to unlock.

I didn't think you could make him sound more creepy but your last post certainly made me shiver.

@fabulosaaa what are you doing about the holiday, are you still going away with him? Obviously it would be a very bad idea as you will be stuck with him 24/7. As you said you don't live him, does he stay with you often, can you make excuses to get him to go back to his own house?
You are in a very abusive relationship which will be so hard to live through and imagine but if someone was throwing oranges at my head I would go absolutely effing mental.
He is sounds seriously unhinged but also very clever, knows exactly what he's doing. Sending strength to you.

I’m sorry that you’re in this situation @fabulosaaa. The fact that he acts like this at all would be enough to leave.

He is vile.

It’s disgusting behaviour and dangerous. He’s suggested that he could use a date rape drug and have his way with you and you’d be none the wiser. You really need to leave him or kick him out (depending on your living situation).

If you hadn’t withdrawn your statement, what his lawyer said probably would have happened and he’d have been locked up and wouldn’t be able to meet another woman.

Go back to the police. This time don’t withdraw your statement. Stand by it. He has done these things. They are not lies. Let him see himself in the mirror.

I'm still trying to figure out the best way out. Still don't know if womens aid is a good idea. Current plan is
-Going to get a SIM card ready to change as soon as I've dropped the car off.
-I'm not going to even try to keep the car, I'll take the loss, so the plan with that is to fill it with all the stuff he keeps leaving at my house then leave it at his house while he's at work.
-Going to type up a letter and leave it in the car basically reminding him of everything he's ever done to me and to tell him it's over.

• need to get additional locks for my doors, left a key for him the other week while I was out and the key he gave me back doesn't look like the same key and isn't reliable in the lock anymore, so I'm concerned he's had a key cut. So will order the locks nearer the time.
• I cant back out of the holiday because he will lose his mind and be absolutely relentless in turning up and trying to get in my head again, can't risk the girls seeing that. So I'm going ahead with that, then once I'm back it's close to pay day so I can sort the car situation out too.

Once all that's done I'm going to keep coming back on here and reminding myself that multiple women from a wide range of life experience and backgrounds cannot unanimously be wrong. So if by some way he manages to get through or if I start doubting myself I can be reminded that I wasn't imagining things.

I'm fully prepared to contact the police if he comes to my door. Especially if my kids are there, I need to show them I'm serious this time and that men like him won't be tolerated.

By the time I get back from holiday it will be almost his birthday, I feel bad saying it but I feel slight joy knowing his birthday is going to be shit. And that he will have a shit Christmas because his family are all going away but he has to stay here for his afternoon with his own daughter. I don't wish bad on anyone ever but he deserves that.

Back to the kids - do you think I should have a chat with them? Especially my older one who is most aware of everything that's happened. I want her to know she can trust me.

Also, any advice on how to heal when you get out? I hope to god I'm not 'scarred' by all this and that I can find me again.

Also haven't mentioned about him going through my phone the other night. He will use that to do the Prince Charming act of "I'll do better" and I don't want to fall for it.

Glad to hear you’re making plans to leave.
Women’s Aid is a really good source of advice and support.

If you’re planning to write a letter, don’t do it in advance in case he finds it. But frankly he doesn’t require or deserve an explanation. Anything you explain he will probably see as an opportunity to try to negotiate. It’s ok to say ‘I’ve decided that this relationship is over for good’ and leave it at that.

I think it’s ok to talk to your daughter, but only after you’ve left - again, in case he finds out that you’re planning to leave. Abusive men can become extremely dangerous when they think they’re losing control of their partner.

Healing will come, but it takes time. The key is to refuse to engage with him about anything. If there are any legal issues, make him speak to your lawyer instead of you.

Good luck. I hope everything goes as smoothly as possible.

This.
Fuck the holiday.
Get rid of this arsehole.
Your daughter seems to have more sense than you where he is concerned.

I’m glad you’re making plans but you just can NOT go on holiday with this man. Apart from the fact that you are simply not safe, your children are not safe. If

Don't go on the holiday with him.

Honestly don't.

You need to see if one of your girl friends will go with you and then you contact the travel agent and pay for a change of name on the ticket and reservation if needs be. Just say that you need to get your head together as you haven't been quite feeling yourself (if he asks) and you've asked for a friend to go with you instead of him. You'll look forward to seeing him on your return (he won't be any the wiser that you're planning on leaving and cutting ties with him) but you have given him a totally plausible excuse as to why he isn't coming on the holiday any more. Just make the change and he can't get on board the plane!

Best of luck to you going forwards.

Love, he will be relentless anyway.

Tell him it's over and if he shows up or harasses you you will call the police. If (when) he does, do call the police. Don't even open the door.

As for the letter... highlighting all the ways he has hurt you is just like reminding a bully of all the fun he's had treating you badly. It's not explaining things to him, it's reminding him how he's hurt you before. All that'll do is tell him that those were and remain ways to hurt you. And bring him more thrills.

Its like telling a lion where its taken bites outa you. Pointless. He KNOWS where! He planned to do these things. So you can't guilt or shame him.
You don't need to explain or justify leaving. It won't make you feel better either because you'll look back doen the line and think, why did I remind him of all the pain he caused me as I left? That'll just cheer him up when he thinks 'oh she left but I damaged her so she'll still be suffering from that so haha'.

Instead, simply tell him it's over because your done with his shit. And to stay away from you or you will contact the police. I'd advise doing it by text and then screenshot the text before blocking him. That way he can't say he never received the letter. And it leaves you with proof to show the police that you've told him clearly to stay away from you, if needed.

As for talking to the kids, it's simple, you tell them this man was an abusive jerk and you should have left him years ago. That you're sorry they had to witness his behaviour. And that you're there to listen to them whenever they need to talk or to answer their questions. That you live them. And that we should never stay with bullies or try to understand them. We should just run and be safe. Because we all deserve good people in our lives who treat us with love, kindness and respect.

But remember most that it is your actions that your child will learn from..not your words. So SHOW them how to leave a bully and never look back.

Ps: i know the urge is to try to 'be nice' and to try to soften the blow. But his kind see niceness and compromise as weakness. And they exploit weakness. They attack it.

Trying to take the softly softly approach to escaping isn't going to keep you safe. Trying to explain your way out isn't going to make him nice to you.

Getting out firmly and making it clear you won't be slow to contact poilce if he starts some shit is the safe route. Because your showing strength and - that you have back up if you need it.

Answering all his 'questions' about why you are leaving is simply giving him time and amo with which to gaslight and headfuck you with. You don't owe him any answers because he knows bloody well fine why it's done (and if he tries to guilt you into an inface meet under that pretence, be sure to tell him to fuck right off with that bullshit).

They condition us into 'being nice' and open books and compromising at thr expens of our own needs because that's how they get us under the thumb. Even in leaving him in a nice nice, explaining your choices way you are doing as he trained you to do. Pandering to him in the hopes he will compromise or show kindness like you have. He's.not.like.you.

He's a lion, not a deer. Don't show him any of you weak spots. Just run, fast and far.

What's to plan, you don't live together, aren't married? Just get the locks changed and never have him round again. Phone police if he turns up and block him on everything. Then get some counselling as ending this is a simple task, it's your head that is stopping you. He can only get in your head by sending messages if you haven't blocked him. I hope you can break free this time, sounds like it's been half way attempts in the past. He's ramping things up though and you should inform the police of the threats to drug you.
Nothing about his behaviour has been small and insignificant, he has just brainwashed you into thinking big violations are trifles . We can all see they are not, he is dangerous.

@fabulosaaa I wouldnt tell the younger child. they might accidentally let the cat out the bag! make sure you change those locks whenever you get back from holiday. do it all before you return the car because sure as hell he will come to your house, get a passcode on your phone. make sure you keep us updated. good luck x

What if he drugs you on holiday and overdoes the dosage (or tour body reacts adversely) and you die? Or he attacks you in your sleep? Or he puts the drugs in something the kids eat from the fridge unknowingly. Or he drugs himself or someone else by mistake and you wind up getting arrested abroad?

Seriously op, he's terrifying and if you go on holiday with him these are very possible consequences. Not to mention, someone who spikes you...is capable of any other kind of evil. He could push you off a balcony just because he feels like it. Especially because these sorts have a sixth sense for when we were planning to leave and they do not react well to it. You need to keep away from him. Certainly not go on a trip abroad with him where you'll be stuck and vulnerable.

Pull the bandaid off, break up now,

Hi @fabulosaaa. You don't need to get a new SIM card, just phone your network provider and they can change your number over the airwaves.

If you want to restrict his ability to get a message to you further, ask your bank to change your bank account number. People have been known to send over 1p with a message as the transfer description. Same goes with PayPal, if you have it.

Regarding your email, I'd suggest opening a new account.

I think you should have a talk with your children. I can't speak as a parent, as my first is still a foetus, but I remember how I felt when my parents divorced when I was 8 years old. I have memories of my father turning up to our house in varying states of distress and anger. It was an incredibly confusing time and I had zero explanation from my mother.

All the best OP, stay strong.

Agree with PP, do NOT go on holiday with this terrifying man. You will be putting yourself and your kids at risk.

Either change the reservation so you can take someone else with you, or let him go by himself. In fact, if you can get him away by himself that would be a great time to change locks and do all that you need to do to secure your and your kids safety.

Or just don't go.

You really would be risking your and your kids' safety by going on holiday with this man. He's more than capable of raping you or worse.

Please please please just get him out of your life as quickly and safely as you can.

Why are you so reluctant to contact women's aid? Do you think you aren't being abused enough? Because believe me, you are. I think it would really do you good to talk to them. We can all see that the man is dangerous, and it's worrying that you are still planning to go on holiday with him. It feels like you are pushing your decision down the road. I really hope that's not what you're doing. Although I understand if you need to set a point in time to work towards.
Don't tie yourself in knots writing him a letter. He will only use it to try and get inside your head again. He knows what he's doing to you.
Don't say anything to your youngest until you've got the man out, changed the locks and notified the police. (Or to any of your children if they might not be able to keep your plans from him)
Stay safe

Buy an old banger for 500 and change your locks. Fucksake, this has me shaking reading this. He's assaulting you in plain sight of your child. Stealing from your child. If you can leave him from your sake, do it for theirs.

Yes!

OP, why are you with someone so gross?

I did it. I finally ended it and stood firm with it. I really feel I'm strong enough to see it through this time.

I don't know if he got wind of what I was planning but he suddenly changed and started being everything I wanted him to be, which threw me off massively. I doubted myself again, everything felt great. Then his birthday came around and he started asking me to take my bra off because "it's my birthday", I said no. He kept grabbing at my chest, "but it's my birthday!!" I said no. Later in the evening he grabbed my underwear, joked about giving me a wedgie, so I grabbed his and said said don't you dare. He ripped my underwear clean off me, bearing in mind I was wearing jeans. So I grabbed his in anger, as I did this he somehow managed to unhook my bra, put his hands up my top and pulled on my nipples really hard. I instantly teared up, went upstairs and just absolutely sobbed. Felt completely violated. Something I had said no to all day, he managed to do in a split second even though he knew I didn't want it. I pulled myself together, took a deep breath and went back downstairs and pretended everything was fine, my daughter was upstairs in my bed asleep so I didn't want to cause a scene. She was poorly, hence why she was in my bed. I'd already said she would be sleeping in my bed and he would have to sleep elsewhere. He fell asleep on the sofa so I went up to bed, fell asleep. About 3am he woke me asking me to move my daughter, I said no. He walked out ranting. 3:30 he woke me touching my boobs, I asked him wtf he was doing and to leave me alone... "but it's my birthday!!" He left the room. 30 minutes later he wakes me again trying to get in the bed next to me, I again told him to stop and please just let me sleep, also that my daughter was asleep and I didn't want her being woken! He left again ranting. I then lay there an hour scared to go to sleep, wondering what to do. That was the first time I felt scared, I felt really uneasy. He came back upstairs so I got up, went downstairs to make a drink, he spent the whole time just staring at me. I went to the toilet, he followed me and just stood there staring at me. I went back to my bed and eventually fell asleep. When I woke up he was downstairs, acting like nothing had happened. I briefly mentioned that he'd acted a twat the night before, showed him the cuts where he had ripped my underwear off, he said sorry and that was that, again I was trying to keep the peace. 2 days later when he had gone home I ended it.

Sorry that's so long, I just needed to write it all down.

So he’s gone? For good????

Well done you! I’m so sorry he did those things to you. No one should have to deal with such a vile human.

Onwards and upwards now. Find your strength in yourself and you’ll never know what you can achieve. You’ve made a fantastic difference in your life and your child’s life too!!

Well done. Stay strong and don't let him talk you back. You can do this!