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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Am I imagining it or is this gaslighting?

155 replies

fabulosaaa · 28/10/2023 08:26

I think I know that it is but as is often the case I am doubting my judgement on the matter.

Before we left he kept touching me up, despite me telling him to stop. I bent down to empty the washing machine, he groped me from behind, I walked past to get to the garden, he groped my boobs, I stand in the lounge he comes up from behind and gropes me again. I ask him to stop and he basically says you can't get all dressed up and expect me not to want to touch you.

Last night we went to a Halloween party type thing at a pub, me, him and one of my daughters. We were sat down at at table and he reached down and pinched my bum realllly fucking hard, I asked him why have you just done that?! He said oh I didn't mean to. My daughter leaves the table, walks round to him and jokingly hit him on the arm saying something along the lines of that's what you get for hurting my mummy (she's 7, autistic).

We get home, as we're going through the front door he slaps my bum really really hard, despite my daughter being there I can't help myself and spin round and say STOP IT! That really really hurt!!!!!! Again, my daughter then slaps him and says you've hurt my mummy that's what you get! She did it in a joking way, she wasn't frightened or distressed. He then tries to tell her that adults are allowed to slap each others bums etc and all I'm thinking is no she saw what she saw, she seen that you hurt me and now you're trying to make her think otherwise?

Later on in the evening he pours us drinks. Bearing in mind last weekend he found 4 bottles of 50ml gin that was a gift set type thing that I completely forgot I had. I questioned him throughout the evening asking why my fruit cider tasted like it had spirits in it, he flatly denied and got cross with me. I got very very drunk very quickly, ended up vomiting, shaking, felt violently ill. He was helping me as I was vomiting. It was only the next day I remembered the gins that I had in the cupboard and eventually he admitted it. I watched him throw the last one away. Last night my drinks tasted weird, i questioned him and all he kept saying was you watched me throw the last one in the kitchen bin! But I swear I could taste it! After two drinks I felt really sick and worried he had put spirits in my drink stopped drinking, which annoyed him more.

Then my daughter came downstairs for a drink of milk, she remembered he had eaten all her sweets last weekend while she was at her dads and jokingly said you ate all my sweets! You better go Asda and get me some new ones!! (I watched him eat all her sweets, asked him to stop because she will remember exactly what sweets are in there and caught on a bad day the change in sweets will set her off because of the change). He then tried to tell her that he didn't eat any and that it was her sister!!! Then when she'd gone says "what are you trying to do fabulosaaa?" "Why are you telling her I ate them? Are you trying to turn her against me?" "I didn't eat them, her sister did" I said I remember sitting next to you, we had a conversation about it, I watched you eat them, why are you trying to make me think different? He then said oh I only had a few then when I came the next day they were all gone. I reminded him he hadn't been to my house in the week and that my girls had finished the few remaining sweets on top of a bowl of ice cream, so I had seen the tub get emptied and thrown it away, so he hadn't seen the empty tub and again asked why he was trying to make me thinking something different. He then sits there and says "ok fabulosaaa... (sigh)".

Then I went to bed. Sometime in the early hours he comes up, rips the duvet down so my boobs were exposed and comes at them head and hands first. I told him to get off and turned over. He then comes at me from behind for a cuddle, freezing cold and puts his cold hands and legs all over me I ask again get off!!! He then starts caressing and trying to touch me and I lost it a bit and said I have asked you 4 fucking times to get off me! Have some fucking respect and LISTEN!! He then acts all hurt saying he's trying to be loving etc etc and I said you can't love someone you don't respect. And fell asleep.

Sorry it's long, just wanted to give full context really. I know these might sound trivial but I can't talk to my friends and family about it. I guess I just need someone to say I'm not imagining things. And that I'm not mean and heartless for rejecting the constant 'cuddles'.

OP posts:
SuperSange · 28/10/2023 08:47

You need to put your daughter before a car I'm afraid. He'll escalate with you and she can already see it. She'll tell someone at school, they'll contact SS and still all kick off. Just get rid of him already.

Charles11 · 28/10/2023 08:47

Lose the car. See it as you had use of a car for this long for your payments - like rental. Take finance on a new one.

GrumpyOldCrone · 28/10/2023 08:49

The car thing makes no sense to me. Is it your car? If so, you get to keep it (and keep paying the finance). If not, you can stop paying for it. What am I missing here?

Blanca87 · 28/10/2023 08:49

The car thing doesn’t make sense? If you bought and took over the finance surly it’s yours? Or do you mean you pay for his car but it’s still in his name?

Original poster
fabulosaaa · 28/10/2023 08:50

It's still in his name. Is there a way to transfer the finance? What's the process?

OP posts:
WithTheHatToMatch · 28/10/2023 08:50

This isn’t gaslighting. It’s much more than that. He sounds dangerous.

saffronsoup · 28/10/2023 08:51

Is this your husband? Ex? Boyfriend?

Not sure who this but your choice to have him in your home nd bed is certainly not a great one given what you describe. He is responsible for his behaviour, you are responsible for choosing to continually be around him and spend time with him, and keep him around you and the kids - despite his behaviour. The company one keeps says a lot and this is who youa re choosing to go to parties with and have in your bed.

Charles11 · 28/10/2023 08:52

fabulosaaa · 28/10/2023 08:50

It's still in his name. Is there a way to transfer the finance? What's the process?

Only with his permission. Would he be willing to do that?

Barbarella73 · 28/10/2023 08:52

Why go on holidays with him if you’re already trying to figure out how to avoid sex with him while you’re away? No matter how much money you’ve spent, do you really think you’re going to enjoy yourself? This man has hurt you in front of your daughter and clearly doesn’t understand consent. Instead of wondering why he is like this, accept that he’s showing you who he is. Your daughter feels like she has to protect you - this isn’t her job, she’s 7. You’re the adult here, start modelling self respect for her.

Sparklfairy · 28/10/2023 08:53

Your post has made me feel quite ill.

Same. Every time I think nothing else could surprise me with the behaviour of these 'men' someone posts something like this.

You need to get rid of him OP, it's as simple as that. He's vile, and the rufy comment would have put me on edge enough that I would never trust him again. He put just a little too much detail into it for it to be explained away as 'just a joke'.

SantaBarbaraMonica · 28/10/2023 08:54

He’s really really dangerous! I’m so shocked at what he’s done. He WILL rufy you, I guarantee it. He’s already normalised it by threatening you ‘jokingly’. I guarantee he will escalate.

And that not even to mention what you DD is being exposed to. Every incident is noted and internalised by her. And every time you don’t kick him out for what he did is telling her it’s acceptable. This is horrendous. She’s going to accept awful things from a partner in future.

SaracensMavericks · 28/10/2023 08:55

This is horrendous OP. He spiked your drink and sexually assaulted you. He lied to your DD. Please don't go on holiday with him. You need get away from him. Can you afford to get a cheap car? The £2k might be worth getting out of this awful situation.

trythisforsize · 28/10/2023 08:57

He's dangerous.

Ditch the holiday and swallow the loss.

Perhaps get the car money back via small claims if you have evidence of the agreement and payments?

You and your daughters need protecting from this man. It will get worse.

Crikeyisthatthetime · 28/10/2023 08:57

So he never used to spike your drinks, now he does. He never used to assault you in front of your daughter, now he does.
He's ramping up his behaviour - have faith in your feelings.
Yes he's gaslighting you, he's trampling all over your boundaries and you are feeling powerless. BUT - You don't need him to agree with you that he's a nasty bastard, you can decide that for yourself and kick him out.
And because he's a nasty bastard (stealing your kid's sweets and practically laughing in your faces!) - you need to be ready to change your locks, call the police at the first sign of trouble.
Take care.

Onetwothreefour1234 · 28/10/2023 08:58

That does not sound at all trivial, you are not imagining this. You doesn’t sound at all nice, but if you stick up for yourself he is almost making you believe your being unreasonable.

the fact that you have written this, your gut instinct is screaming at you.

How long have you been together, have you heard of Claire’s law? It’s a confidential police service that I would thoroughly recommend. I didn’t like what I heard but would absolutely recomend this, especially for someone like your partner. Please leave him.

GrumpyOldCrone · 28/10/2023 08:58

fabulosaaa · 28/10/2023 08:50

It's still in his name. Is there a way to transfer the finance? What's the process?

Are you paying the money to him? Or to the finance company? I’ve never bought a car on finance (always drove old bangers) but I think the usual procedure is that you buy the car and inform the finance company that it’s now yours. There’s some paperwork that needs to go to DVLA to inform them that you’re now the registered keeper.

There may also be issues with insurance in your current setup.

None of these things are as important as your safety, which is currently at significant risk.

fourelementary · 28/10/2023 08:59

How will you replace your self esteem and your mental health after he rapes you? With money? No money can pay for that, and you know it.
No amount of money is worth your daughters seeing such low standards for the relationship bar they set themselves.
No amount of money will replace their childhoods and their innocence if they witness their mum being sexually assaulted.

You KNOW you are worth more, and you definitely know your girls are. Dump his sorry arse.

Vinrouge4 · 28/10/2023 09:00

This is so awful that I’m hoping it’s another made up thread. You need to get this man out of your daughter’s and your life. He is a complete and utter shit.

FrancescaContini · 28/10/2023 09:00

The OP is more worried about a holiday and a car than her daughter’s mental and physical wellbeing. It’s extraordinary, the lengths some women go to and the losses they are willing to risk for the sake of a “relationship” and a (harmful) sex life.

Nuanced · 28/10/2023 09:01

He’s a massive risk to your daughters.

Surely they’re worth more than a car or a holiday?

You know the warning signs are there yet you continue to give this creep access to your children. You need to wake up and protect them.

Original poster
fabulosaaa · 28/10/2023 09:02

I was looking at Claire's law the other day, but would he find out I'd applied for information?

I will probably have to swallow the loss of the car, and I'll have to buy a cheap one.

I've split with him many many times. To the point we moved 200 miles away at one point - he always finds me! And then gets in my head. 50+ calls a day. Despite me blocking him he manages to call still. He doesn't just leave it! And as you can imagine, certainly doesn't just accept my decision

OP posts:
DeadbeatYoda · 28/10/2023 09:02

Stop paying the finance on his car. Use it to pay a car loan of your own ( even if it is a very basic one). Don't go on the holiday, you will not be safe so far from home with a man that has already threatened to rufy you,
Is he the father of your children? If not, you are risking them too. Even if he is, you are teaching your vulnerable daughter to accept this dangerous behaviour from men.
Please put your safety before everything else. Please do talk to family or a friend about this. Don't be embarrassed. It doesn't matter if they say they never liked him and tell you they told you so ( if that was the case). Their knowledge that you are unsafe and in need of support trumps all things. Be strong, OP, for your children's sake if not your own.

Imagwine · 28/10/2023 09:02

You need to get out. The car and holiday aren’t worth it.

Who booked the holiday, you or him? If you did then take a friend.

Original poster
fabulosaaa · 28/10/2023 09:05

I'm not more worried about the holiday and car. I can't just not have a car! I can't lose my job by not being able to get there. That's why I'm asking advice re the finance. The holiday is in my name, well I'm lead booker so I assume I could put somebody else on it in his place?

OP posts:
Peanuts2000 · 28/10/2023 09:05

He sounds horrific and he knows exactly what he's doing. You're daughter can see exactly what he's doing.

If the car is not in your name, can you not just tell him to take it back?
I know it's a pain not having a car when you need it but you can get something sorted. Was it his idea for you to take over the car?

You said you lived together but you kicked him out. It was obviously bad enough for that, why are you still with him?
To me, it sounds like he is abusing you physically and mentally, trying to pretend it's playful and blatantly lying to your face. Making out he didn't eat the sweets when you saw him do it.

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