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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Am I imagining it or is this gaslighting?

155 replies

fabulosaaa · 28/10/2023 08:26

I think I know that it is but as is often the case I am doubting my judgement on the matter.

Before we left he kept touching me up, despite me telling him to stop. I bent down to empty the washing machine, he groped me from behind, I walked past to get to the garden, he groped my boobs, I stand in the lounge he comes up from behind and gropes me again. I ask him to stop and he basically says you can't get all dressed up and expect me not to want to touch you.

Last night we went to a Halloween party type thing at a pub, me, him and one of my daughters. We were sat down at at table and he reached down and pinched my bum realllly fucking hard, I asked him why have you just done that?! He said oh I didn't mean to. My daughter leaves the table, walks round to him and jokingly hit him on the arm saying something along the lines of that's what you get for hurting my mummy (she's 7, autistic).

We get home, as we're going through the front door he slaps my bum really really hard, despite my daughter being there I can't help myself and spin round and say STOP IT! That really really hurt!!!!!! Again, my daughter then slaps him and says you've hurt my mummy that's what you get! She did it in a joking way, she wasn't frightened or distressed. He then tries to tell her that adults are allowed to slap each others bums etc and all I'm thinking is no she saw what she saw, she seen that you hurt me and now you're trying to make her think otherwise?

Later on in the evening he pours us drinks. Bearing in mind last weekend he found 4 bottles of 50ml gin that was a gift set type thing that I completely forgot I had. I questioned him throughout the evening asking why my fruit cider tasted like it had spirits in it, he flatly denied and got cross with me. I got very very drunk very quickly, ended up vomiting, shaking, felt violently ill. He was helping me as I was vomiting. It was only the next day I remembered the gins that I had in the cupboard and eventually he admitted it. I watched him throw the last one away. Last night my drinks tasted weird, i questioned him and all he kept saying was you watched me throw the last one in the kitchen bin! But I swear I could taste it! After two drinks I felt really sick and worried he had put spirits in my drink stopped drinking, which annoyed him more.

Then my daughter came downstairs for a drink of milk, she remembered he had eaten all her sweets last weekend while she was at her dads and jokingly said you ate all my sweets! You better go Asda and get me some new ones!! (I watched him eat all her sweets, asked him to stop because she will remember exactly what sweets are in there and caught on a bad day the change in sweets will set her off because of the change). He then tried to tell her that he didn't eat any and that it was her sister!!! Then when she'd gone says "what are you trying to do fabulosaaa?" "Why are you telling her I ate them? Are you trying to turn her against me?" "I didn't eat them, her sister did" I said I remember sitting next to you, we had a conversation about it, I watched you eat them, why are you trying to make me think different? He then said oh I only had a few then when I came the next day they were all gone. I reminded him he hadn't been to my house in the week and that my girls had finished the few remaining sweets on top of a bowl of ice cream, so I had seen the tub get emptied and thrown it away, so he hadn't seen the empty tub and again asked why he was trying to make me thinking something different. He then sits there and says "ok fabulosaaa... (sigh)".

Then I went to bed. Sometime in the early hours he comes up, rips the duvet down so my boobs were exposed and comes at them head and hands first. I told him to get off and turned over. He then comes at me from behind for a cuddle, freezing cold and puts his cold hands and legs all over me I ask again get off!!! He then starts caressing and trying to touch me and I lost it a bit and said I have asked you 4 fucking times to get off me! Have some fucking respect and LISTEN!! He then acts all hurt saying he's trying to be loving etc etc and I said you can't love someone you don't respect. And fell asleep.

Sorry it's long, just wanted to give full context really. I know these might sound trivial but I can't talk to my friends and family about it. I guess I just need someone to say I'm not imagining things. And that I'm not mean and heartless for rejecting the constant 'cuddles'.

OP posts:
FrancescaContini · 28/10/2023 09:05

fabulosaaa · 28/10/2023 09:02

I was looking at Claire's law the other day, but would he find out I'd applied for information?

I will probably have to swallow the loss of the car, and I'll have to buy a cheap one.

I've split with him many many times. To the point we moved 200 miles away at one point - he always finds me! And then gets in my head. 50+ calls a day. Despite me blocking him he manages to call still. He doesn't just leave it! And as you can imagine, certainly doesn't just accept my decision

So you moved 200 miles away from him and he managed to find you? And instead of going to the police, you let him back in your home, your bed, your daughter’s life?

And you’re still bleating on about a car?

Cheeesus · 28/10/2023 09:06

I was looking at Claire's law the other day, but would he find out I'd applied for information?
No, that’s the whole point.

But you don’t need any more proof that he's awful. He really is. He sounds dangerous. Please just leave.

DysmalRadius · 28/10/2023 09:06

Every update is more sinister than the last, and your OP was quite upsetting. Please stop putting obstacles in your own way and get your daughters away from this manipulative abuser.

FrancescaContini · 28/10/2023 09:07

OP: you’re gaslighting yourself.

2jacqi · 28/10/2023 09:07

why the hell are you with this guy??? he is not a loving partner and it sounds like you might be setting yourself up to being raped! You have daughters in the house! get rid of him!!!

Positivelypatient · 28/10/2023 09:07

He's a sexual predator, you are his prey. For godsake leave him once and for all. Your poor children don't deserve to witness this!

Pluviophile1 · 28/10/2023 09:08

Leave him. Now. You’ll end up getting more hurt and your children will carry on seeing it. Get away from him today.

CrotchetyQuaver · 28/10/2023 09:09

You need to get out of this mess somehow. He's not right in the head. Scrap the holiday, he's going to make it hell on earth for you if you don't consent to sex, and give him back the car and buy yourself one. Then you need to keep away from him. I've no idea where you'd start but probably a domestic violence charity would know what to do.

Motnight · 28/10/2023 09:10

fabulosaaa · 28/10/2023 08:44

What's stopping me is I use his car. He got given a company car from work, so I bought his car, to pay off monthly, basically took over the finance. I've paid about £2000, I would lose the car, get no money back to buy another one, my work and the kids school are 20ish miles away.

Your kids' school being over 20 miles away is unsustainable surely with or without a car?

Move closer to school and work.

Jl2014 · 28/10/2023 09:11

Jesus Christ, OP, this guy is a complete wrong ‘un. Why are you even asking. Get rid of him. For the sake of your daughter dump him and let her see that you have self respect and you shouldn’t tolerate people who don’t respect you. She needs you to demonstrate to her that this is not ok. Otherwise it’s not him gaslighting you anymore - it’s you gaslighting her.

Ohthere · 28/10/2023 09:11

fabulosaaa · 28/10/2023 08:44

What's stopping me is I use his car. He got given a company car from work, so I bought his car, to pay off monthly, basically took over the finance. I've paid about £2000, I would lose the car, get no money back to buy another one, my work and the kids school are 20ish miles away.

Have you spoken to friends or family about this? I don’t even know you and I would lend you my car in a second if it’s the only thing keeping you trapped in this awful situation. Surely you know some two-car families who could give you a hand until you can find a longer term transport solution? Agree with a pp about the holiday, that money is gone, don’t make it worse by putting yourself at risk (at the very least at risk of having a rubbish holiday trying to engineer ways to avoid intimacy, at worst… well, doesn’t bear thinking about quite frankly).

Ibravedaflood · 28/10/2023 09:12

Expect social services on your doorstep when dd tells an adult at school.. Imagine your dd watching him rape you. Because that's what coming imo. Or worse op. Find your strength and ring the police. He is dangerous.. Even your dd knows that at 7 years old.... Sorry but you are failing her if you don't get rid of him.

Mumtime2 · 28/10/2023 09:14

Send him on his way.
What happens when he goes to far with what he is giving you, or your daughter needs you and you can not help..that's disgusting behaviour from him.
The hpulday can go ahead without him.
Get a friend or family over and tell him to f off!
Block

WonderingWanda · 28/10/2023 09:15

Op what a horrible situation. Please don't go on holiday with him or continue this relationship for a moment longer. First find out of you can get your money back for the holiday or at least cancel and use it as credit to buy a different holiday for you and your daughters for next year. If you can get the money back then put that into a new car fund. If you don't have the cash to stump up for a car might you be able to get finance on your own car? You are clearly able to afford the monthly payments on his car? I wouldn't normally subject finance but it if it's a way for you to get a car, keep your job and get rid of this lying sex pest then do it.

trythisforsize · 28/10/2023 09:15

He walks over every single one of your boundaries.

He doesn't listen to a word you say.

He forces his way back into your life .

He convinces you to become financially involved with him for no gain.

He has spiked you and now threatened to drug you with a really dangerous drug.

Block him every where, on everything. Contact the police about the threats to drug you.

Crikeyisthatthetime · 28/10/2023 09:16

OP tell your family, tell your friends, tell women's aid, tell the police, you need help. You need to protect your children if you won't do it for yourself, do it for them. Will you risk him ruining all your lives because you are too embarrassed to ask for help?

fabulosaaa · 28/10/2023 09:19

I don't know what to do or where to start.

I don't know if I should get help from womens aid, or if I can do it on my own. I will need a restraining order or something.

Do I just give the car back instantly or tell him since he's a prick he can wait while I sort a new one.

OP posts:
Peanuts2000 · 28/10/2023 09:20

Have just read your updates, you moved 200 miles away to get away from him, he found you and you let him back?? This is so sinister.
I've just looked up what "Rufy" means, he's threatening to drug you and has spiked your drinks? You could have got seriously ill. Why did you book a holiday with him, is it just the two of you?
Do have family support?
I would seriously consider contacting the police if he keeps hassling you.

fabulosaaa · 28/10/2023 09:23

I have nice plans today with my mum and sisters and now my heads going to be in a mess all day.

I can't believe he said the rufy thing. Even if he didn't mean it that's fucked up

OP posts:
Russoooooo · 28/10/2023 09:27

I honestly felt ill as I read that, and you obviously do know how bad it is if you’ve moved and tried to leave him so many times.

I think you need support to get out of the relationship safely - and to stay out of it. If you can, talk to your mum today. If not:

Women’s Aid - https://www.womensaid.org.uk/
Online Freedom Programme - https://www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/online.php

Home - Women's Aid

Women's Aid is a grassroots federation working together to provide life-saving services and build a future where domestic violence is not tolerated.

https://www.womensaid.org.uk/

trythisforsize · 28/10/2023 09:29

I had to finish with a similar ex. It took me about 5 attempts over a year to actually break free.

Give it some thought because I know (and you know) how persistent they become if you finish things.

I'd start amicably to try and get the car put in your name - if you want it that is - he may use the car as a constant way to keep in touch. It may be easier just to give it back.

The holiday - first see what your options are. Can you swop the names take a friend? How will he react? Would he damage the car or try and stop you going or get to you through your daughters? Just cancel his ticket and go without him if need be.

A chat with the non-emergency police to get the behaviours logged (especially the non-consensual groping, spiking and drug threats) would be a good start. You can enquire about a non-mol. I didn't need one in the end as I just blocked him everywhere and got my children and family to do the same.
I have spent over a year avoiding every possible place I might bump into him.

It been hard but worth it.

He's a distant memory now and I am so much happier and more relaxed.

averylongtimeago · 28/10/2023 09:30

fabulosaaa · 28/10/2023 09:23

I have nice plans today with my mum and sisters and now my heads going to be in a mess all day.

I can't believe he said the rufy thing. Even if he didn't mean it that's fucked up

Tell your mum - you know what you should do. Don't let this evil twat ruin you and your children's lives.

Talk to women's aid for support, kick him out (with backup from family if you need to) change the locks and if he kicks off, police.

audihere · 28/10/2023 09:34

your post actually made me feel panicky. I've been in a similar relationship and whilst I know it's hard to get away, you absolutely must.

MaryJanesonabreak · 28/10/2023 09:34

You’ve tried everything on your own, now it’s time to reach out for help.
Phone the finance people and find out what they want for the car to be transferred into your name. If your soon to be ex refuses, then write it off and apply for a personal loan for a decent second hand car. A money site like money supermarket will let you know how much you can borrow and do a soft pre approval.
Keep phoning women’s aid until you get through, they have all kinds of resources to ensure you get permanently rid of him. You can do this Op so that it’s the last time without him killing you first.

rainbowstardrops · 28/10/2023 09:38

You have split up numerous times, moved 200 miles away from him, he spikes your drinks and assaults you and yet you keep taking him back!!!
Kick him out once and for all and don't let him back. Think of your children before yourself.

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