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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Am I imagining it or is this gaslighting?

155 replies

fabulosaaa · 28/10/2023 08:26

I think I know that it is but as is often the case I am doubting my judgement on the matter.

Before we left he kept touching me up, despite me telling him to stop. I bent down to empty the washing machine, he groped me from behind, I walked past to get to the garden, he groped my boobs, I stand in the lounge he comes up from behind and gropes me again. I ask him to stop and he basically says you can't get all dressed up and expect me not to want to touch you.

Last night we went to a Halloween party type thing at a pub, me, him and one of my daughters. We were sat down at at table and he reached down and pinched my bum realllly fucking hard, I asked him why have you just done that?! He said oh I didn't mean to. My daughter leaves the table, walks round to him and jokingly hit him on the arm saying something along the lines of that's what you get for hurting my mummy (she's 7, autistic).

We get home, as we're going through the front door he slaps my bum really really hard, despite my daughter being there I can't help myself and spin round and say STOP IT! That really really hurt!!!!!! Again, my daughter then slaps him and says you've hurt my mummy that's what you get! She did it in a joking way, she wasn't frightened or distressed. He then tries to tell her that adults are allowed to slap each others bums etc and all I'm thinking is no she saw what she saw, she seen that you hurt me and now you're trying to make her think otherwise?

Later on in the evening he pours us drinks. Bearing in mind last weekend he found 4 bottles of 50ml gin that was a gift set type thing that I completely forgot I had. I questioned him throughout the evening asking why my fruit cider tasted like it had spirits in it, he flatly denied and got cross with me. I got very very drunk very quickly, ended up vomiting, shaking, felt violently ill. He was helping me as I was vomiting. It was only the next day I remembered the gins that I had in the cupboard and eventually he admitted it. I watched him throw the last one away. Last night my drinks tasted weird, i questioned him and all he kept saying was you watched me throw the last one in the kitchen bin! But I swear I could taste it! After two drinks I felt really sick and worried he had put spirits in my drink stopped drinking, which annoyed him more.

Then my daughter came downstairs for a drink of milk, she remembered he had eaten all her sweets last weekend while she was at her dads and jokingly said you ate all my sweets! You better go Asda and get me some new ones!! (I watched him eat all her sweets, asked him to stop because she will remember exactly what sweets are in there and caught on a bad day the change in sweets will set her off because of the change). He then tried to tell her that he didn't eat any and that it was her sister!!! Then when she'd gone says "what are you trying to do fabulosaaa?" "Why are you telling her I ate them? Are you trying to turn her against me?" "I didn't eat them, her sister did" I said I remember sitting next to you, we had a conversation about it, I watched you eat them, why are you trying to make me think different? He then said oh I only had a few then when I came the next day they were all gone. I reminded him he hadn't been to my house in the week and that my girls had finished the few remaining sweets on top of a bowl of ice cream, so I had seen the tub get emptied and thrown it away, so he hadn't seen the empty tub and again asked why he was trying to make me thinking something different. He then sits there and says "ok fabulosaaa... (sigh)".

Then I went to bed. Sometime in the early hours he comes up, rips the duvet down so my boobs were exposed and comes at them head and hands first. I told him to get off and turned over. He then comes at me from behind for a cuddle, freezing cold and puts his cold hands and legs all over me I ask again get off!!! He then starts caressing and trying to touch me and I lost it a bit and said I have asked you 4 fucking times to get off me! Have some fucking respect and LISTEN!! He then acts all hurt saying he's trying to be loving etc etc and I said you can't love someone you don't respect. And fell asleep.

Sorry it's long, just wanted to give full context really. I know these might sound trivial but I can't talk to my friends and family about it. I guess I just need someone to say I'm not imagining things. And that I'm not mean and heartless for rejecting the constant 'cuddles'.

OP posts:
wednamenov · 28/10/2023 09:39

I honestly think you need to go to the police. He sounds very very dangerous. I think you are at risk of becoming a tragic statistic. He derives pleasure and enjoyment from hurting you, controlling you, threatening you, and degrading you. 'When a man shows you who he is, believe him'. If you can't see this then you really need to get some help. This man is very very dangerous. You are the frog in a pot of water on the stove, and he is slowly increasing the water. The frog eventually dies. Please don't think about this too much. Go straight to women's aid, tell them your story, and be guided by them.

Onetwothreefour1234 · 28/10/2023 09:44

I’m sorry, that should have said he doesn’t sound nice at all. I agree with the others posters aswell, you are in imminent danger and get yourself help today

Gingernaut · 28/10/2023 09:46

And we have an expensive holiday booked that's due to take place in a couple of weeks time that I don't want to lose my money on

Fuck the money

Dump him and don't go

Onetwothreefour1234 · 28/10/2023 09:48

@fabulosaaa No there is a question to ask if he knows about the application. Mine remained confidential, and if he had found out I would have known about it.. I could see all the red flags but the result from the police gave me the shake up I needed to never speak to him again. I think request this, even if you split as it take a while to hear back and contact women’s aid today to get the correct advice to leave safely

LightSpeeds · 28/10/2023 09:57

fabulosaaa · 28/10/2023 09:02

I was looking at Claire's law the other day, but would he find out I'd applied for information?

I will probably have to swallow the loss of the car, and I'll have to buy a cheap one.

I've split with him many many times. To the point we moved 200 miles away at one point - he always finds me! And then gets in my head. 50+ calls a day. Despite me blocking him he manages to call still. He doesn't just leave it! And as you can imagine, certainly doesn't just accept my decision

Oh my gosh. So you've already been through plenty with him already.

You really need to be brave and strong now to finally get rid of him. Be prepared to contact the police, if necessary.

But please get this awful man out of your and your daughter's life!

ManAboutTown · 28/10/2023 09:57

I'm sorry OP but this guy sounds like a fucking nightmare and from what you've said potentially someone who has done other horrible things. Get you and your daughter away from him asap

Pixiedust1234 · 28/10/2023 10:00

He spiked your drinks so he could rape you. Unfortunately you reacted badly to the alcohol so it is entirely possible he will get date rape drugs just to rape you. That might happen tonight. Are you scared enough yet?

Contact Women's Aid, explain how you have moved away and he followed you, ask if they have a local support worker who can help you in a more detailed way. Contact the police regarding Claire's Law. He will not know you have done that unless you tell him.

He is a very dangerous man. A car and a holiday is not worth being raped. Get support today.

DoratheFlora · 28/10/2023 10:14

Get rid. Don't overthink it. I don't know how long you've been seeing him but he is not to be trusted. This is how domestic abuse starts.

fabulosaaa · 28/10/2023 10:20

Funny you say that, we had sex that night that he spiked me with the gin.

OP posts:
fabulosaaa · 28/10/2023 10:26

And he's openly admitted he knows I'm more likely to put out if I've had a drink

OP posts:
legalseagull · 28/10/2023 10:27

He needs to go. He's dangerous. He should be gone the second he told your daughter it's ok for men to slap womens bums.

daisychain01 · 28/10/2023 10:32

Why are you with an absolute arsehole - read back your list about him physically abusing you in front of your daughter and spiking your drink. You must know that's wrong.

Olika · 28/10/2023 10:46

This man is dangerous! You need to get rid of him urgently.

Escapingafter50years · 28/10/2023 10:52

Yes talk to Women's Aid AND go to the police.

This is horrific. He is actually raping you, as well as the other assaults, because he gets you in a condition where you cannot give informed consent.

What happened to you in your childhood that you don't see how dangerous this is?
Your daughter is growing up thinking this is how men treat women. You are showing her that this is acceptable. But its really, really not.
It's criminal.

ManyATrueWord · 28/10/2023 11:12

Cut him off
He is dangerous.

localnotail · 28/10/2023 11:15

I'm literally speechless. Wow. This guy is like something out of a horror film. You need to be firm, get rid of him, and go no contact. Take out a non-molestation order if needed. He is a nutcase. Car, holiday - really, that's just an excuse. You need to wake up and see what you allowed into your life.

MiddleagedBeachbum · 28/10/2023 11:23

He had sex with you after you’d been sick from the Gin?

Did you actually consent?! Or did he just take?

Pixiedust1234 · 28/10/2023 20:51

@fabulosaaa how are you feeling today after reading all these posts? I'm hoping they've made you realise it's time to stop this "relationship ", and I wish you the strength to contact Women's Aid. You can email if you don’t have enough privacy to talk Flowers

FrogFighter · 28/10/2023 20:57

Get your daughter out of that house and never leave her alone with him. Leave him. Do it for her. That man is a danger to her, and you.

doitwithlove · 28/10/2023 21:08

OP, you didn't have sex. Sounds like he got you drunk then raped you.

He is a danger to you, your daughter and whoever lives in your house.

Rather than making excuses for him, get RID ASAP

Panaa · 28/10/2023 21:40

It's gaslighting and more.
Gaslighting over less sinister things will make you less likely to spot abuse, and that's what this is. He is a dangerous abuser and you need to get to safety.
I have no doubt that you probably have many more stories where he abused you that you probably don't realise are abuse yet.

Pinkbonbon · 28/10/2023 22:10

Wtf did I just read.

He's spiked you!

Not just once but twice!
Fucking hell op get away from him and get your kids away.

The hard slaps and pinching is violence being disguised as hijinks and he'll be telling you you are overreacting or too sensitive to respond with 'ouch' in order to train you to stop responding because you don't want to seem 'like a drama queen' or 'weak'.

He's assaulting you infront of your child. And telling your child it's OK to assault people we are with. You should have told him to get the fuck away from you right then. And once he was gone, told your daughter it it's NEVER ok for a man to physically hurt her.

Get him gone. Tbh I'm not too sure you shouldn't also be going to your go for a blood test incase it wasn't just booze in your drink.

YokoOnosBigHat · 29/10/2023 00:53

Sod the holiday and the car - get rid. There are solutions, there are always solutions. This man is a borderline rapist and the spiking thing is criminal. Why you'd put up with this I have no idea.

Sorchamarie · 29/10/2023 01:48

It is extremely concerning that you initially called what is happening with this man "trivial". There is absolutely nothing trivial about what you've described. In fact, those of us not conditioned to abuse, like you clearly have been, are not exaggerating when we say that we're extremely alarmed by what you've written. Please please reach out to women's aid (and any family or friends that you know absolutely have your back) for help to get this horrendous man away from you and your family. No about of money lost is worth sticking around for any more abuse. Best of luck OP.

Shoxfordian · 29/10/2023 07:47

None of this is remotely ok or normal or kind or how a man should treat you- I hope you can read these messages and end the relationship

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