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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Am I imagining it or is this gaslighting?

155 replies

fabulosaaa · 28/10/2023 08:26

I think I know that it is but as is often the case I am doubting my judgement on the matter.

Before we left he kept touching me up, despite me telling him to stop. I bent down to empty the washing machine, he groped me from behind, I walked past to get to the garden, he groped my boobs, I stand in the lounge he comes up from behind and gropes me again. I ask him to stop and he basically says you can't get all dressed up and expect me not to want to touch you.

Last night we went to a Halloween party type thing at a pub, me, him and one of my daughters. We were sat down at at table and he reached down and pinched my bum realllly fucking hard, I asked him why have you just done that?! He said oh I didn't mean to. My daughter leaves the table, walks round to him and jokingly hit him on the arm saying something along the lines of that's what you get for hurting my mummy (she's 7, autistic).

We get home, as we're going through the front door he slaps my bum really really hard, despite my daughter being there I can't help myself and spin round and say STOP IT! That really really hurt!!!!!! Again, my daughter then slaps him and says you've hurt my mummy that's what you get! She did it in a joking way, she wasn't frightened or distressed. He then tries to tell her that adults are allowed to slap each others bums etc and all I'm thinking is no she saw what she saw, she seen that you hurt me and now you're trying to make her think otherwise?

Later on in the evening he pours us drinks. Bearing in mind last weekend he found 4 bottles of 50ml gin that was a gift set type thing that I completely forgot I had. I questioned him throughout the evening asking why my fruit cider tasted like it had spirits in it, he flatly denied and got cross with me. I got very very drunk very quickly, ended up vomiting, shaking, felt violently ill. He was helping me as I was vomiting. It was only the next day I remembered the gins that I had in the cupboard and eventually he admitted it. I watched him throw the last one away. Last night my drinks tasted weird, i questioned him and all he kept saying was you watched me throw the last one in the kitchen bin! But I swear I could taste it! After two drinks I felt really sick and worried he had put spirits in my drink stopped drinking, which annoyed him more.

Then my daughter came downstairs for a drink of milk, she remembered he had eaten all her sweets last weekend while she was at her dads and jokingly said you ate all my sweets! You better go Asda and get me some new ones!! (I watched him eat all her sweets, asked him to stop because she will remember exactly what sweets are in there and caught on a bad day the change in sweets will set her off because of the change). He then tried to tell her that he didn't eat any and that it was her sister!!! Then when she'd gone says "what are you trying to do fabulosaaa?" "Why are you telling her I ate them? Are you trying to turn her against me?" "I didn't eat them, her sister did" I said I remember sitting next to you, we had a conversation about it, I watched you eat them, why are you trying to make me think different? He then said oh I only had a few then when I came the next day they were all gone. I reminded him he hadn't been to my house in the week and that my girls had finished the few remaining sweets on top of a bowl of ice cream, so I had seen the tub get emptied and thrown it away, so he hadn't seen the empty tub and again asked why he was trying to make me thinking something different. He then sits there and says "ok fabulosaaa... (sigh)".

Then I went to bed. Sometime in the early hours he comes up, rips the duvet down so my boobs were exposed and comes at them head and hands first. I told him to get off and turned over. He then comes at me from behind for a cuddle, freezing cold and puts his cold hands and legs all over me I ask again get off!!! He then starts caressing and trying to touch me and I lost it a bit and said I have asked you 4 fucking times to get off me! Have some fucking respect and LISTEN!! He then acts all hurt saying he's trying to be loving etc etc and I said you can't love someone you don't respect. And fell asleep.

Sorry it's long, just wanted to give full context really. I know these might sound trivial but I can't talk to my friends and family about it. I guess I just need someone to say I'm not imagining things. And that I'm not mean and heartless for rejecting the constant 'cuddles'.

OP posts:
Ibravedaflood · 10/12/2023 20:02

Well done op. Enjoy your peaceful Christmas with your dc.

Crikeyisthatthetime · 10/12/2023 20:21

Well done sweetheart. Get your locks changed in the morning and job's a good'un!
He's a really nasty piece of work, pretending it's all fun and reasonable, and all the time intimidating you. Have a lovely Christmas just you and your lovely daughter.

MsDogLady · 10/12/2023 23:05

@fabulosaaa, well done.

You know what to watch for and prepare for now. You’ve been here many times before, and you’re well aware of both of your behavior patterns.

From what you’ve written previously, whenever you break up he eventually shows up and, after 10 minutes of his manipulation, you take him back. You always buy his shit sandwiches and gaslight yourself that you’re overreacting to his heinous abuse, even when it’s witnessed by your children. He clearly conned you again after involving your DD by pinching and slapping you in her presence. Both girls are being trained to stay with monstrous abusers.

Please be ever-mindful of the destructive communication and behavior patterns. This certainly isn’t the first time that he’s ripped off your clothes and underwear and sexually assaulted you. Let it be the last time.

fabulosaaa · 11/12/2023 08:44

Thankyou.

Definately aware of previous patterns and doing my best to avoid. He did turn up, crying, saying he didn't want to spend the day alone, doesn't want it to be the end. I stood firm and said no, usually that tactic works on me because it makes me feel bad, and it did make me feel bad but I just stood firm. It does feel shit, all of it, but it's not my fault it's come to this.

OP posts:
LookItsMeAgain · 11/12/2023 09:37

fabulosaaa · 11/12/2023 08:44

Thankyou.

Definately aware of previous patterns and doing my best to avoid. He did turn up, crying, saying he didn't want to spend the day alone, doesn't want it to be the end. I stood firm and said no, usually that tactic works on me because it makes me feel bad, and it did make me feel bad but I just stood firm. It does feel shit, all of it, but it's not my fault it's come to this.

That's progress.

Please don't get worn down by his antics and take him back.

He is violent towards women and you don't want your kids to see what the male role model in their lives does to their mother.

Can I suggest that you take some photos of what he has done to you in the past, an pop them up on the inside of your wardrobe door (so that people walking into your room can't see them but you know they are there). Any time you're feeling a little bit weak and you think you might take him back, take a look at those photos, remember what he has put you through and each time, you'll be stronger of voice and stronger of resolution that you'll not take him back. It will get easier to say no to him.

Keep going. You're doing a good thing for yourself here!

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