Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

What do I do about dh's temper?

375 replies

stressedmummy · 18/12/2004 09:48

I have changed my name here, so that dh does not find out that I am starting a thread about him.
Basically I live with a man with a terrible temper & it is getting to the stage where I am not sure that I want to be with him any more.
He has never hit me, but he kicks things, throws things, smashes things & generally scares me to death when he gets very angry.
I have 2 ds's aged 5 & 20 mths who are also seeing Daddy acting like this when angry & I know it is not good for them.
Last year we nearly seperated because it was getting so bad that I was dreading coming home from work, because I knew what I was coming home 2.
This was also shortly after he had got angry about ds1 shouting out in his bed, yelled at him & then on charging down stairs fell down the bottom steps, resulting in him bounding back up the stairs & kicking the wicker basket in ds's bedroom, which obviously terrified my poor ds.
Anyway, he swore he would change & for a while he did seem to calm down.
He works long hours & I am often stressed, as I work & then have to come home & deal with the boys (which I am not doing very well at the moment)
He is very house proud & if he ever finds a bean or something on the floor he goes mad.
Anyway, yesterday he actually returned home early for once (4pm) & I had a friend round with her young children who were playing with my ds & making a little mess as children do!
When they left, dh went mad about the state of the place.
He first started shouting out "for fu*k sake"
because he could not find one of the bin bag holders.
He then came in & discovered that a ball had fallen from the christmas tree & got really angry throwing the ball hard on the floor, resulting in it shattering to pieces.
He shouted "Get upstairs NOW" to the children & then started to throw all the presents around.
I followed the children upstairs & ds1 said " Daddy was not very nice to me then"
I spent ages crying & wandering what I should do after, but dh does not think he was wrong & said that if the ball was not on the floor & the house was not a mess it would not have happened.
I just don't know what to do for the best for my children.

OP posts:
Loobie · 19/12/2004 14:45

ok you were on line then you disappeared

Original poster
stressedmummy · 19/12/2004 18:31

I just wanted to do a quick post to say that I have had a lovely stress free day with dh out!
The house is not as clean as it should be, but I have loads of time b4 he gets back to sort that out!
I have made a decision to carry on and see what happens until after Christmas & then if things are still not great I will have to think of doing something more drastic.
I am also going to have a word with my hv & see what she reccomends.
I realise since starting the thread that I cannot carry on like this & that what he is doing is very wrong.

OP posts:
IwigitcouldbeXmaseveryday · 19/12/2004 18:34

Message deleted

Original poster
stressedmummy · 19/12/2004 18:47

I am starting to realise that.
Last night when I was upset & trying to talk to him he told me that I was selfish & only cared about myself & ds ( this was because I told him how scared he is sometimes)
I told him that I never experianced anyone smashing things etc when I was a child & he just said not to make out my Dad was perfect because we all know he is not.
I realise that my Dad was not perfect (who is?) but I did not experience any kind of violence.

OP posts:
Kaysleighbells · 19/12/2004 18:49

stressedmummy, I have two boys and if I tried to make sure the house was spotless every time my dh came home I would drive myself into an early grave. You cannot live like this. You will make yourself ill and that is no good for your kids.
This must be so hard for you. {{hugs}}

Original poster
stressedmummy · 19/12/2004 19:08

I know that stress can make you ill, as last year while things were bad I suffered from the worst flu ever & was laid up in bed for 10 days.
My sister thinks it was because my immune system was not very good, due to the depression I was suffering.
I also have IBS & had a 8 week stint of it every day without a break.
I am quite a pathetic person & rarely seem to stand up to him when he is like this as I am scared of his temper.

OP posts:
Loobie · 19/12/2004 19:10

Well i spoke to you all day and you didnt sound a pathetic person to me........yes im back again all bathed and two down one to go.

Kaysleighbells · 19/12/2004 19:10

You are not pathetic. If anyone is pathetic it is him.

Original poster
stressedmummy · 19/12/2004 19:14

Hi Looby!
I have 1 in bed & 1 watching the beast!

OP posts:
Loobie · 19/12/2004 19:17

no.3 has had his sleeping tab so is on his way out and my visitors arent back yet so im going to sprawl on the sofa and watch casualty at 8

SPARKLER1clausiscomingtotown · 19/12/2004 19:21

Hi stressedmummy. I have read through your thread and feel so sad for you. No-one deserves to go through this at all. You deserve much better. I know it's easy for us all to sit here and give you all this advice - who knows what I would do if I was in your situation - but you can do it! There is a happier, safer and better life out there for you and your dd. Please go and find it! You will look back and be so pleased with what you have done. You should be able to relax and have your time without thinking "I have plenty of time to tidy up before dh gets back". Why should you feel you have to keep things tidy. As for earlier in the thread - dd being hit by dh that would have been it for me I would have left him there and then no matter how much I loved him. He just can't do that! All the best to you.

Original poster
stressedmummy · 19/12/2004 19:25

I am starting to realise since starting this thread that I will probably need to break away 1 day, but it is such a huge step & so hard.

OP posts:
SPARKLER1clausiscomingtotown · 19/12/2004 19:27

Life is so short - you have to make the most of every single moment of your life. I have lost two members of my family in the past week and another one is really sick right now - it has really opened my eyes to the fact that I have to appreciate everything and make the most of every day the very best I can.

IwigitcouldbeXmaseveryday · 19/12/2004 19:32

Message deleted

Original poster
stressedmummy · 19/12/2004 19:34

I know & I often think to myself that life is 2 short & that I made the biggest mistake of my life when I married him.
I have been stood by the front door sometimes, but then realise I have nowhere to go.
Even my counseller that I saw last year said it sounded like I have a miserable life.
If it wasn't 4 the boys I would have left years ago.

OP posts:
IwigitcouldbeXmaseveryday · 19/12/2004 19:37

Message deleted

Original poster
stressedmummy · 19/12/2004 19:40

I know I will be better off away from him.
I have never cried so much as I have since being with him.
I have been with him for 9 years & married for nearly 6 years now.

OP posts:
IwigitcouldbeXmaseveryday · 19/12/2004 19:44

Message deleted

SPARKLER1clausiscomingtotown · 19/12/2004 19:47

don't say you are staying for the boys - you need to LEAVE for the boys!!!!

Original poster
stressedmummy · 19/12/2004 19:50

Yes I have decided not to do anything before christmas.
He said this morning that he would try & change, so I will see how that goes.
I know that chances are he will slip back to his old ways & have decided that if there is just one more scary incident I will have to think VERY seriously about leaving.

OP posts:
IwigitcouldbeXmaseveryday · 19/12/2004 19:51

Message deleted

IwigitcouldbeXmaseveryday · 19/12/2004 19:52

Message deleted

SPARKLER1clausiscomingtotown · 19/12/2004 20:05

ISWYM about Christmas and memories. Do you really believe he will change? Think you may have said this a few times before. Whatever you choose - be happy, safe and think of those kids as well as yourself. Have a lovely Christmas. xx

Original poster
stressedmummy · 19/12/2004 20:40

Thankyou Sparkler
No I dont really think he will change long term.
He may do 4 a couple of weeks or so, but he has a naturally bad temper which will rear its ugly head again.
He has upset me so many times over the years.
He once threw ds1's highchair across the kitchen because of the mess on the floor (may I add that ds was not in the chair or kitchen at the time) & broke the highchair.
He said he would change before & did for a while, but obviously not for good.
I suspect that the same thing will happen again

OP posts:
PocketTinsel · 22/12/2004 00:33

StressedMummy - i'm glad you are still getting loads of support. I've had a quick read and see that you are thinking of leaving. Be brave, it's a hard decision to make, but if you feel it's right you will be fine. It's a hard road, but one well worth it, if things are truely that bad. And from all you've said, i'm willing to bet that they are. Enjoy your christmas with your children, and think carefully about how you'll deal with it in the new year. Good luck {{hugs}}.