What do I do about dh's temper?

[stressedmummy]

I have changed my name here, so that dh does not find out that I am starting a thread about him.
Basically I live with a man with a terrible temper & it is getting to the stage where I am not sure that I want to be with him any more.
He has never hit me, but he kicks things, throws things, smashes things & generally scares me to death when he gets very angry.
I have 2 ds's aged 5 & 20 mths who are also seeing Daddy acting like this when angry & I know it is not good for them.
Last year we nearly seperated because it was getting so bad that I was dreading coming home from work, because I knew what I was coming home 2.
This was also shortly after he had got angry about ds1 shouting out in his bed, yelled at him & then on charging down stairs fell down the bottom steps, resulting in him bounding back up the stairs & kicking the wicker basket in ds's bedroom, which obviously terrified my poor ds.
Anyway, he swore he would change & for a while he did seem to calm down.
He works long hours & I am often stressed, as I work & then have to come home & deal with the boys (which I am not doing very well at the moment)
He is very house proud & if he ever finds a bean or something on the floor he goes mad.
Anyway, yesterday he actually returned home early for once (4pm) & I had a friend round with her young children who were playing with my ds & making a little mess as children do!
When they left, dh went mad about the state of the place.
He first started shouting out "for fu*k sake"
because he could not find one of the bin bag holders.
He then came in & discovered that a ball had fallen from the christmas tree & got really angry throwing the ball hard on the floor, resulting in it shattering to pieces.
He shouted "Get upstairs NOW" to the children & then started to throw all the presents around.
I followed the children upstairs & ds1 said " Daddy was not very nice to me then"
I spent ages crying & wandering what I should do after, but dh does not think he was wrong & said that if the ball was not on the floor & the house was not a mess it would not have happened.
I just don't know what to do for the best for my children.

I know what you mean wild & well done for having the strength to make a better life for yourself.
I just feel like I would not be able to financially cope without H, as I would not be able to afford the house payments on my wage.

I have not actually gone yet tho! dp has left and basically wants me out. But I am realising more and more its what I want too. We are not married and I am on a cr=p wage so money scares me shitless butnot as much as waking up in 10 years time with a miserable loveless life

I have not actually gone yet tho! dp has left and basically wants me out. But I am realising more and more its what I want too. We are not married and I am on a cr=p wage so money scares me shitless butnot as much as waking up in 10 years time with a miserable loveless life

Just over a year ago H & me had a huge row & he said "Right, that is it, I am leaving" & I said "Good" & meant it!
He never went!
Things have been quite calm for a while, but last night he was cross because the computer was sticking out more than normal, so he shouted at me & kicked it against the wall.
Today he told me he nearly bought me flowers because he realised he had been nasty.

Nearly? sm bloody hell what a cheek
thought that counts!
I know how torn you get I was all for making up. but dp is pretty angry. so I started to think it's about time it's my decision, in any case

It was our 6th wedding anniversery yesterday as well.
He has gone to his friends house tonight (well he went at 5pm actually!)
I actually looked at him briefly last night after his performance & thought "Sometimes I hate you."
How bad is that?!

Well it's not black and white is it. You can hate someone and love them at the sme time which is the paralysing thing when it comes to decision time. I love my dp but the life we are living is not right and it either needs both of us to want to sort it out, or it needs a line drawn under it
you must have loved each other when you married .... where does it go

I know.
When H is being really horrible, I have to remind myself that he can be nice at times, just to get through it.
I am sorry to hear that you are having such a bad time atm.

thanks
when the horrid outweighs the nice and the nice is lived in fear of the next horrid its time to go
I still love him so much but we're not a team
how can you bring up children like that? you are better off alone
money stuff always gets sorted somehow there is no way you would be destitute

It is bloody scary isn't it?

it is
I am going to try and get some sleep sm I have been up since 3 rowing and worrying and crying
I need it all to stop for a while and feel better, have another day
sm do take care of yourself. I bet you're worth a lot more than him and part of it is the effect on your self esteem
you sound a good person and you are worried for your family. I want to read a thread in 6 months full of good news about you, shall we go for that? I am not saying leave, but stop looking to him to validate you, and find what makes you happy take care

You take care too, wild.
Hope u get a better night sleep.

And thanks wild

Hello sm hows you hun?Been wondering where you were,just hoped that things were calm for you and yours thats why you were so quite.

Not having a good day today
Wish I had the strength to end this.
I am so weak & pathetic that I don't even stand up to him.
He has been working a lot recently & I thought (stupidly) that maybe things were improving.
He is at home all day today & in a horrible mood.
I worry that I will never get the strength to leave.

I've just been reading this thread and learning of all the problems you've been having. Sorry, can't give any useful advice. It must be so soul-destroying to have to live with someone like that. Just try to be strong inside, don't give in to the bullying and negativity. Could you and the children go out for a bit? Not much help I know.

My parents have just come round & taken the children out to deliver some leaflets.
He has been un bearable today because he thinks the house is a state & he is also tired, which makes him worse.
He found a pen mark on the radiator & said if he ever sees another one, that he will throw out all the pens & the children!
He also says that he wishes he had had his vasectomy years ago & never had any kids.
Obviously he would not really throw out the kids, but his comments really upset me.
I feel like I hate him today & just feel like crying constantly.
I dare not confront him, as he will really go off on one.
I shouldn't keep moaning on here, but I don't really talk to people in RL about it & am feeling so sad.

You poor thing, am thinking of you and what an awful time you are having. Try not to let his comments get to you, he's obviously got his own emotional problems which he is taking out on you. It's so unfair.

He has gone out now. Dont know where.
He shouted so badly at ds2 (aged just 2) because he chucked half of his sandwich on the floor.
He can be so scary when he is in this kind of mood.
I am dreading him coming home & I am getting upset about having to spend all of tonight with him in this horrible mood.
He is working 12 hours tomorrow.

It is cruelty to shout at such a young child like that. It really does sound like he needs help - and soon. For now though it's probably best to stay out of his way as much as poss. Could you and the kids spend the evening with your parents?

I have reccomended that he see's someone, but he will not do it.
He did agree that maybe he needed some kind of anger managment, when we had that awful spell before Christmas, but nothing has come of it.
I have not really told my parents the full extent of things because they will worry.
He is home now & lying on the sofa watching football.
He does seem much calmer now thankfully.

Hope he stays calm now, for yours and the kids' sake. Thinking of you and hoping that things improve in some way, you really shouldn't have to live in this state of fear.

SM,

I have read this thread and you do need to leave for the sake of your sons.

He will kill you if you stay - I fear for your safety and that of your children. If you put up with it and stay in a violent relationship be it verbal or physical this teaches your children (I see you have boys, it is vitally important that boys do not to see their Daddy hit their Mummy) that it is okay for their Daddy to hit or verbally abuse Mummy because she doesn't leave. If you continue to stay long term they could in their adult lives go on to act out like this themselves with their partners. You can end a potentially damaging legacy. You can take control back, its never too late.

Two women a week die at the hands of their partner or ex. You do not want to become another such statistic.

You cannot act as someone's rescuer or saviour in a relationship and you cannot save someone who does not want to be saved. This man has long standing and severe behavioural problems and has probably had them long before he met you.

Will put up the number of Women's Aid for you - you and your kids need to get away from him for good.

0808 2000 247
This is the Freephone 24 Hour National Domestic Violence Helpline.

I urge you to call them. You don't have to keep living in such fear.

Thank you for that phone number.
I might give them a ring tomorrow while he is at work.
Before starting this thread I did not see his behaviour as abusive, as he has never actually laid a finger on me & promises that he never would.
I saw him as a man with a temper, but as I don't really know any different, I thought all men could maybe act this way when angry.
I have always been aware that he is not the father that I would like him to be though.
When he is in a good mood he can be nice & it is then easy for me to push things to the back of my mind and think maybe he is not so bad.
What do you think they will say to me when I phone that help line?
I would hate to have to go to some kind of refuge.