What do I do about dh's temper?

[stressedmummy]

I have changed my name here, so that dh does not find out that I am starting a thread about him.
Basically I live with a man with a terrible temper & it is getting to the stage where I am not sure that I want to be with him any more.
He has never hit me, but he kicks things, throws things, smashes things & generally scares me to death when he gets very angry.
I have 2 ds's aged 5 & 20 mths who are also seeing Daddy acting like this when angry & I know it is not good for them.
Last year we nearly seperated because it was getting so bad that I was dreading coming home from work, because I knew what I was coming home 2.
This was also shortly after he had got angry about ds1 shouting out in his bed, yelled at him & then on charging down stairs fell down the bottom steps, resulting in him bounding back up the stairs & kicking the wicker basket in ds's bedroom, which obviously terrified my poor ds.
Anyway, he swore he would change & for a while he did seem to calm down.
He works long hours & I am often stressed, as I work & then have to come home & deal with the boys (which I am not doing very well at the moment)
He is very house proud & if he ever finds a bean or something on the floor he goes mad.
Anyway, yesterday he actually returned home early for once (4pm) & I had a friend round with her young children who were playing with my ds & making a little mess as children do!
When they left, dh went mad about the state of the place.
He first started shouting out "for fu*k sake"
because he could not find one of the bin bag holders.
He then came in & discovered that a ball had fallen from the christmas tree & got really angry throwing the ball hard on the floor, resulting in it shattering to pieces.
He shouted "Get upstairs NOW" to the children & then started to throw all the presents around.
I followed the children upstairs & ds1 said " Daddy was not very nice to me then"
I spent ages crying & wandering what I should do after, but dh does not think he was wrong & said that if the ball was not on the floor & the house was not a mess it would not have happened.
I just don't know what to do for the best for my children.

Couldnt get your link up lulu.

iF YOU JUST TYPE IN www.sfla.org.uk IT WORKS

Oops, sorry for caps!

Thanks!

stressedmummy, have you thought any more about seeing a solicitor? I really think you should, as the first appt is either free or cheap, and getting some hard facts will boost your confidence and resolve.

Don't worry about your h finding out? If you don't tell him, why would he?

I didn't tell mine, and even over the weekend when we were seriously talking divorce, I still didn't tell him, as it would send him through the roof. The first he's going to know about it is when I have made a final nogoing back decisions on the matter.

Bump.

Just wondering how you are stressedmummy.

I am still here!
I did not think I should post again, until I have braved the solicitor thing, as you will all be getting very frustrated with me!
I have looked up a couple of phone numbers & sounded my Mum out (without giving anything away), as she knows a bit about them, as she used to be an estate agent!
I just dont feel strong enough to pick up the phone yet.
I am feeling very upset today, as I have just recieved a letter from the SENCO at my sons school, saying how they want him referred to the school doctor for a developmental assessment, due to his problems with interaction & social skills.
He apparantly turns his back to the teacher in assembly times & hums to himself!
It is an anxiety problem & he hates to think anyone is looking at him. (this is when he is in front row) He also sits alone in the playground.
I have not stopped crying since I got in & keep blaming myself for all these problems.
What on earth have we done to our poor son?

They want to meet with myself & H one evening to discuss everthing.
You can bet your life that H will play this down when he gets home & it will be next to impossible for him to fit in a time around his work (I always go alone to parents evenings)
I just feel awful that our ds is such an outcast & it is probably all because of things that have happened at home over the years.

How are you anyway, lulupop?

not bad thanks. dh doing v gd job of keeping up his Uber-Husband regime, being v attentive, doing all little jobs as soon as they arise (rather than after 6 months of nagging), etc. sadly, the only result in me is that I don't feel ill around him any more. He's quite nice company, like an older brother or my dad or something. if he tries to kiss me or touch me in an, ahem, "intimate" way, I recoil though.

watched that child in our time thing last night with him and I found the bits about the family where the parents had separated very uncomfortable viewing. wonder what he thought?

try not to let yourself get overwrought about your ds' withdrawal. I know it must be really hard to hear about it if you know it's largely caused by the home situation. obviously it's not good, but does that not strengthen your resolve to leave? your ds can rebuild that lost confidence and so can you.

let's make a list. on one side, reasons to stay, and on the other, reasons to go. I want you to do this, put down every single thing you can think of, and then come back and tell us how many points you had on each side.

Good idea lulupop! I will do that!
I feel similar about my H, in that he is what I am used 2 etc, but not sure I love him anymore.
We only have sex around once a month & sometimes (if i can get away with it!) less than that.
When we do, I always think "That's done now for another month." & feel relieved!
I will have to look down my thread to remind myself just how bad things can get before starting my list, as things are quite calm at the mo, as he is always at work.

Did u make a list lulu?
If so, how did the pros & cons compare?

Yes, I made a list. Ages ago, actually. And, surprise surprise, there were a lot more cons than pros.
basically the pros were: 1)Money 2) Kids have their Dad around (whatever our personal differences, he is a good father) 3)my lack of belief that I will ever find anyone else (hate to admit it but am afraid of being alone)
the cons were much more numerous, and the pros, with the exception of No. 2), didn't seem like much of a basis for a lifetime partnership.
as for the sex, well we never had a great time on that score anyway. for years I was much more interested than him, and in a way i think that's what triggered that start of our troubles. now he is gagging for it all the time and the thought of it just makes me go cold.
I do still fantasise that george clooney will dump that lisa snowdon and realise I am The One though

I made a list earlier & the pros of leaving did outway the cons.
My cons were - Scared of being alone, children having both Mummy & Daddy together, finantial reasons & the thought of being lonely.
My H has never been that bothered about regular sex either, but now I see that as a blessing!
I feel that if we seprated I would be alone 4ever, as I cannot see anyone taking on me & my 2 kids willingly.

Sorry to hear that your ds is having anxiety problems at school. It must be very stressful for you to hear that and know that it is probably due to problems at home. But as lulupop says, that should make you even more determined to get your kids into a safe, reassuring environment where they can rebuild their confidence. I know you are very scared and apprehensive but something like this should make it easier for you to pick up the phone and call a solicitor. Did you find the woman (?) one you were looking for?

I can understand that you are scared of being alone, and you probably will feel lonely at the start when you are sorting your new life out, especially if you don't have a lot of friends and family nearby. But that could be a small sacrifice to make for the sake of your sons' future. There are men out there who are genuinely lovely people and I'm sure in time you will meet one who would be only too happy to be with you and your dss. It's what you deserve

Please don't stop posting. We will support you every step of the way.

Thankyou cq.
The woman solicitor was the 1 that I sounded my Mum out about & apparantly, she is no longer around as she was seen to be crooked!
She was apparantly really good, according to a lot of women i have spoken too.
My ds's difficulties are almost classic of a child who has suffered emotional abuse & that is what is so hard.
Obviously I cannot speak to the SENCO about this, but his extreme social problems & anxieties are like nothing I have come across before (I have worked with children for over 12 years)
I know that you are right in saying that this should be the bullet that I need to do something positive for the boys & myself before further damage is done.

Why don't you break it down into chunks and give yourself little deadlines? For example you could say that by x date I will make a list of all financial incomings/outgoings, money I can put away, housing options etc., by y date I will have phoned 3 solicitors to get an idea of what they can offer, by z date I will make an appointment etc.

Just a suggestion but that might make things seem a little less overwhelming.

Also regarding the school thing,if h wont go to the meeting which you know he probably wont,i would tell the school about some of what is going on at home then they can work around your ds if they know what is causing his anxietys,dont worry about them taking him away or anything like that.I told ds school about our probs and they took that into account as then they knew some of what ds was dealing with it helped them help him IYKWIM.
Tell the school that obviously you dont wont h knowing you have informed them of the probs,and dont worry you can be selective in what you tell them,just enough to give them an idea,it is embarrassing at the time but worth it to let them help ds.Oh and i think the last post is a great idea about giving yourself deadlines to deal with stuff,but overall take care.{{hugs}}

how are you stresedmummy?

Thanks for thinking about me cq.
Things in the house are still quite calm, as H is away for most of the day on a course atm.
I am still beating myself up, thinking about ds1 & his social & interaction problems.
I have arranged the meeting with the SENCO for next Thursday & H has said he will be able to join me, as he is on nights that evening.
It is going to take all my stregnth not to lose it & end up an emotional wreck on the day.
I think your idea of doing things in stages is a very good one, as things do not seem as scary when they are done like that.
We have had our house on the market for a good few months & much as I would love a bigger house, I could never get enthusiastic, as I am not sure that I want to live with him long term (especially after recent events)
Luckily, not much is developing on the moving front, as I feel it is the last thing that should be going on right now.
Apart from anything else, if he has a new house he will far harder to live with, as he will be more paranoid about stains & the house being tidy etc.
I am starting to face facts that things will not change for the better.

Good luck for the SENCO interview, let us know how you get on.

Please don't even consider moving to another house with this man. This transition could be just the opportunity you need to make the break. A nice big house is nothing compared to the emotional stability and happy childhoods of your boys.

Hugs xxx

Just to update you on my meeting with the SENCO.
DH was with me, so I could not say much about the situation at home.
They told me that ds1 can not settle to activities & lies on the floor in the classroom.
He appears lathargic in school but is apparantly very bright.
I had to turn away at one stage, as I thought I would cry & was blaming myself.
H seem's far more relaxed about all this than me.

Oh & they are referring him 4 a developmental assessment with the school doctor.

Oh honey, I'm so sorry, that must have been incredibly hard for you to hear. As for your H finding it much less disturbing than you, well if he;s anything like mine, he probably has an unlimited capacity to assume that "everything will work out ok" because "it's not my fault".

I don't know what to say, other than, if you can't see any possibility of your marriage improving, then you have to make a conscious decision to either stay and have your sons grow up like this, or go and take the chance that things could be better some day, some place else.

I know that's hard. Your boys are a bit older than my children, and tbh I forsee my ds ending up a little like your ds if our home situation continues the same (and I can't see how it's going to change now).

Anyway it's good to hear you're still around, I've been thinking of you. Take care and keep posting.

How are you Lulupop?

sm when dealing with this please try not to think of the 'if onlys' and the 'what might have beens' but focus on what is best for you and for your children
there is no need to stay in a miserable relationship. I am getting out of mine and it is a wrench to let go of the dream of happy families. I know what it is like to dread the key in the door. please take care of yourself and your children and deal with ds by looking forward, how you can help and support him not back apportioning blame.