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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

What do I do about dh's temper?

375 replies

stressedmummy · 18/12/2004 09:48

I have changed my name here, so that dh does not find out that I am starting a thread about him.
Basically I live with a man with a terrible temper & it is getting to the stage where I am not sure that I want to be with him any more.
He has never hit me, but he kicks things, throws things, smashes things & generally scares me to death when he gets very angry.
I have 2 ds's aged 5 & 20 mths who are also seeing Daddy acting like this when angry & I know it is not good for them.
Last year we nearly seperated because it was getting so bad that I was dreading coming home from work, because I knew what I was coming home 2.
This was also shortly after he had got angry about ds1 shouting out in his bed, yelled at him & then on charging down stairs fell down the bottom steps, resulting in him bounding back up the stairs & kicking the wicker basket in ds's bedroom, which obviously terrified my poor ds.
Anyway, he swore he would change & for a while he did seem to calm down.
He works long hours & I am often stressed, as I work & then have to come home & deal with the boys (which I am not doing very well at the moment)
He is very house proud & if he ever finds a bean or something on the floor he goes mad.
Anyway, yesterday he actually returned home early for once (4pm) & I had a friend round with her young children who were playing with my ds & making a little mess as children do!
When they left, dh went mad about the state of the place.
He first started shouting out "for fu*k sake"
because he could not find one of the bin bag holders.
He then came in & discovered that a ball had fallen from the christmas tree & got really angry throwing the ball hard on the floor, resulting in it shattering to pieces.
He shouted "Get upstairs NOW" to the children & then started to throw all the presents around.
I followed the children upstairs & ds1 said " Daddy was not very nice to me then"
I spent ages crying & wandering what I should do after, but dh does not think he was wrong & said that if the ball was not on the floor & the house was not a mess it would not have happened.
I just don't know what to do for the best for my children.

OP posts:
cranberryjampot · 18/12/2004 16:51

Sm - my dh too was a fairly reluctant father. When pregnant with dd he told me over the August bank holiday weekend (my birthday) that "this time next year you'll be pushing your little bastard round the park on your own." He nagged me for weeks about having an abortion when we found out I was pregnant. I told him I wasn't having one and it was his choice whether he stayed or not. He does love the children now but at various times I have reminded him of his atrocious attitude and behaviour towards dd especially.

FestiveFrex · 18/12/2004 17:12

SM, whereabouts in Kent are you? I might be able to point you towards some useful agencies who can help.

Original poster
stressedmummy · 18/12/2004 17:14

Between Deal & Dover.

OP posts:
FestiveFrex · 18/12/2004 17:18

Can you access your local CAB? If you can't, I'm in work on Monday and may be able to find some contacts for you. Or I could give you the details of our local Women's Support Service, who will probably have colleagues in your area.

IwigitcouldbeXmaseveryday · 18/12/2004 17:20

Message deleted

FestiveFrex · 18/12/2004 17:22

LOL! No. I've only changed my name slightly - although the last part is now plural rather than singular.

IwigitcouldbeXmaseveryday · 18/12/2004 17:25

Message deleted

Original poster
stressedmummy · 18/12/2004 17:41

That is a horrible thing to say cranberryjampot!
I bet it really upset you.
I remember when I feared that I was pregnant with ds2, we were at the carnival & he threw a fit because I hadn't managed to get any money out so he could have a hot dog.
He was basically really furious at the thought that I was pregnant & pulled ds's balloon of his buggy in his temper.
I remember getting home & crying loads, thinking that I really should not be having another child with this man but could not terminate.

OP posts:
PocketTinsel · 18/12/2004 17:45

StressedMummy - I hope you don't feel i'm being too harsh but, Wanker!!!
I'm Sorry but it's true. My ex was a bit like that and i left him, mainly because i didn't want my son to believe that that sort of behavior was exceptable, and because there is nothing you can do to help a man that honestly beleives he's not doing anything wrong. It was horrible having to explain holes in doors to family. Where he'd punched them in a temper. In the end all i felt for xp was pity, and that certainly wasn't enough for me to stay and let my son grow up in that environment.
Sorry if i do come across as harsh, but like i say, what can you do for a man who sees no wrong in his actions?

PocketTinsel · 18/12/2004 17:49

Stories like this really rub me up the wrong way... Some men really are Wankers, it's a shame because there ARE some lovely ones too.

Original poster
stressedmummy · 18/12/2004 17:54

I know.
I was crying in the bath last night because there was this women on the radio nominating her dh for some treat as he was so amazing.
It upset me because it was so the opposite of what I had just been through.

OP posts:
PocketTinsel · 18/12/2004 17:57

It's not fair for you to live like that... (God i feel like crying, cos i know how you feel). The frustration of not being able to get them to understand that it's wrong. Just please, concentrate on your kids and try not to wear your self out trying.. Be a loving mummy, your children need it.

happymerryberries · 18/12/2004 18:03

I this that he is behaving in an awful way. You shouldn't have to put up with this and your children shouldn't have to see this happening. It isn't fair to you or them.

And on the subject of being fair life seems so unfair sometimes. I am exceptionally fortunate to have married a wonderful man. He is kind and sweet and loving and patient. He is a wonderful dh and father. And earier this year we found out he has leukemia. Thankfully a 'slow' form, but still an awful worry. I wouldn't wish this on anyone, no matter how bad tempered. But why does it have to happen to my wonderful man?

Original poster
stressedmummy · 18/12/2004 18:04

Thanks pocketinsel.
I know that one day I will not be with this man any more, but I need to get the courage & info first.
I was upset earlier because this thread that I have started indicates just how much of a problem that this really is.

OP posts:
Original poster
stressedmummy · 18/12/2004 18:06

Hugs to you happymerryberries.
I really feel for you & hope your wonderfull man makes a full recovery.

OP posts:
mears · 18/12/2004 18:08

stressedmummy - could he be depressed? A friend os mine's DH was finally diagnosed as a manic depressive and was so much better when he received medication. Has he always been like this? Has he changed from the man you married?

mears · 18/12/2004 18:11

Should add that another friend had a DH with a terrible temper who just turned out to be an ar**hole. They had 4 children before she realised she could no longer stay with him. They split 2 years ago and she is in a new relationship which has made her realise how badly she was treated during her first marriage. She wasn't physically injured but the mental torture lowered her self esteem. Thankfully she left and has a new bright future.

PocketTinsel · 18/12/2004 18:13

hmb - {{hugs}} i hope all goes well for you.

StressedMummy - I know that feeling so well. I used to get to dispair point and used to say things to my xp like "one day i won't love you anymore and my life will be so much better" or "eventually you will push me too far and i'll leave, i'm looking forward to it".. I realise now that i had been pushed so far into it that i was already falling out of love with him. There was no venom in my words, it was plain truth and very matter-of-fact. He used to ignore me... Even when i did care and broke down crying saying that i needed him to understand that there was a problem and if we were going to make it, it needed fixed. He used to say "well i'm alright, if you've got a problem with our relationship YOU fix it". It's impossible to work with a brick wall. Do you feel like you just exist together sometimes?

happymerryberries · 18/12/2004 18:15

This thread isn't for me, you all understand, and that isn't why I posted what I did. I am just struck by the cosmic irony of the unfairness of life. Can I just reapeat what is realy important no-one should be putting up with what you are at the moment. This isn't normal in any way, shape or form and you and your kids are worth better than this. I hope that things get better for you soon. Hugs to you

PocketTinsel · 18/12/2004 18:15

Mears - your last post was basicly my story, except i only had one child when i realised. And my lovely dh now. Life can improve.

PocketTinsel · 18/12/2004 18:34

stressedMummy - i have to go. but Cat me if you want to. i'm usually PocketTasha, not sure if that makes a difference. And i have the same name with hotmail if Cat doesn't work. It's up to you. I really do feel for you and think i honestly know what you are going through, i used to make excuses for him, shield my family from what he was really like, do everything myself cos i was constantly worried about pissing him off. He's a changed man since i left him, think it made him learn. too late for us but perhaps it'll help him in the future. i am personally V happy in my life now.

Original poster
stressedmummy · 18/12/2004 18:48

He blames some of his bad moods on tierdness, as he works loads.
I question weather I actually love him & try to avoid any bedroom activity for as long as possible!
It has got to the stage where if he told me that he was having an affair it would not bother me as he would definatly leave then.
He is at the moment as my sister has got both our ds's over night, so he has watched his football in peace all afternoon.

OP posts:
Original poster
stressedmummy · 18/12/2004 18:49

That was supposed to say calm at the moment!

OP posts:
happymerryberries · 18/12/2004 18:52

SM, you are worth so much more than this. Ask yourself what you would do if someone other than your husband treated you like this? What ever the reasons for his behaviour (and I realise that he could be ill and this might cause it), you should not have to put up with it.

Original poster
stressedmummy · 18/12/2004 19:27

Probably will have to stop posting now, or he will get suspitious!
Thank you all for all the advice.
I know now that this is definatly not the norm & that something needs to be done soon.

OP posts: