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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

What do I do about dh's temper?

375 replies

stressedmummy · 18/12/2004 09:48

I have changed my name here, so that dh does not find out that I am starting a thread about him.
Basically I live with a man with a terrible temper & it is getting to the stage where I am not sure that I want to be with him any more.
He has never hit me, but he kicks things, throws things, smashes things & generally scares me to death when he gets very angry.
I have 2 ds's aged 5 & 20 mths who are also seeing Daddy acting like this when angry & I know it is not good for them.
Last year we nearly seperated because it was getting so bad that I was dreading coming home from work, because I knew what I was coming home 2.
This was also shortly after he had got angry about ds1 shouting out in his bed, yelled at him & then on charging down stairs fell down the bottom steps, resulting in him bounding back up the stairs & kicking the wicker basket in ds's bedroom, which obviously terrified my poor ds.
Anyway, he swore he would change & for a while he did seem to calm down.
He works long hours & I am often stressed, as I work & then have to come home & deal with the boys (which I am not doing very well at the moment)
He is very house proud & if he ever finds a bean or something on the floor he goes mad.
Anyway, yesterday he actually returned home early for once (4pm) & I had a friend round with her young children who were playing with my ds & making a little mess as children do!
When they left, dh went mad about the state of the place.
He first started shouting out "for fu*k sake"
because he could not find one of the bin bag holders.
He then came in & discovered that a ball had fallen from the christmas tree & got really angry throwing the ball hard on the floor, resulting in it shattering to pieces.
He shouted "Get upstairs NOW" to the children & then started to throw all the presents around.
I followed the children upstairs & ds1 said " Daddy was not very nice to me then"
I spent ages crying & wandering what I should do after, but dh does not think he was wrong & said that if the ball was not on the floor & the house was not a mess it would not have happened.
I just don't know what to do for the best for my children.

OP posts:
Loobie · 19/12/2004 13:39

When are they coming back?When's he coming back?My email is [email protected] if you want to contact me directly.I have been where you are and its so sh*t and you feel like you will be there forever,i used to feel thatthe only way i would break away was if i met someone else to sweep me away or he met someone else and left me,i used to wish he would meet seomeone else and tell me he was leaving so that i could be free and not have to go through all the getting him to leave the house and me and the klids.But he never did so i had to do it the hard way and make him leave.Once i told him i wanted him to leave i just refused to discuss anything more with him just kept reminding him i wanted him to leave and just kept out of his way till he did.Iknew i had to be strong for the baby as when it was born i knew if i got depressed again i would be drawn into the vicious circle again and would be here even longer.

Original poster
stressedmummy · 19/12/2004 13:46

He will not be back until late tonight, as it is an all day & night session.
Not sure when the boys will be back, I think they had just put ds2 to sleep an hour ago, so they will probably wait until he wakes.
Thankyou for your email address Loobie.
The only problem is that there is only 1 password on our pc & I'm scared that he will find out that I am talking about him.

OP posts:
Original poster
stressedmummy · 19/12/2004 13:49

The other thing that has always worried me about seperating is that he earns the majority of the money & I don't know how we would survive?

OP posts:
Loobie · 19/12/2004 13:51

Can u not open an email account of your own with a password that he wouldnt know and clear the history off the pc each time you use it.do you have msn cause we could chat there and he cant see any of it once its gone.

Original poster
stressedmummy · 19/12/2004 13:52

Yes I do have msn.

OP posts:
Original poster
stressedmummy · 19/12/2004 13:54

If I started my own account he would think I was hiding something from him.

OP posts:
Loobie · 19/12/2004 13:55

Do you's have a mortgage? reality is that you should get to stay in the house with the kids but to make the break sometimes it is easier to just go.WE have a rented house so it was different for us as we didnt have to sell the house etc so wouldnt really know what i was talking about with that bit.But you would be entitled to child tax credit,income support,child benefit,housing and council tax benefit if you rented a home and maintenence from p if he paid any that is.
BTW i had a thread on here when we were splitting up and exp decided to spy on me and found it and ranted on about me telling the whole net about our problems but i just said well would yoou rather i spoke to our families or strangers who dont know you anyway,but yes it made me wary too.

Loobie · 19/12/2004 13:56

He neednt know about the other account,my msn is [email protected] we can there if you wish?

Original poster
stressedmummy · 19/12/2004 14:00

Yes we do have a mortgage.
We actually have our house up for sale at the moment because he hates our house & wants a bigger 1.
I could not get excited about the thought of a big house, as I was not sure that I wanted to live with him anymore.
I have changed my name for this thread, as he knows what my original nickname is.

OP posts:
Original poster
stressedmummy · 19/12/2004 14:02

Thanks for that Loobie.

OP posts:
Loobie · 19/12/2004 14:06

I cant say i blame you for not knowing if you want to live in another house with him.I was lucky in that he accepted what i was saying and even though i had said it before he seemed to realise this time i meant that he was to leave.But if things had gotten worse i would have eventually left the house if i couldnt get him to.He stills goes on today about how i made him leave with nothing and how i got everything given to me by him obviously my money just flew out the window thenbut i just let it wash over me know as i know he has no hold over me and can just tell him to get out my house otr leave him standing and go home to safety,piece and quiet and IT'S GREAT!! i have signed into messenger if you want to chat.

Original poster
stressedmummy · 19/12/2004 14:10

I have signed into it, but you may have to tell me what to do, as only dh uses it normally to contact his brother in Canada.
I'm not the best with a pc!

OP posts:
Loobie · 19/12/2004 14:12

put in my address as a contact and i should show up,you can delete my contact after we chat so he wont see anything [email protected]

Original poster
stressedmummy · 19/12/2004 14:14

Also, will he definatly not find out what I have been typing on msn? Only he has a friend who is a computor boff, who sometimes adds bits to our pc.

OP posts:
Original poster
stressedmummy · 19/12/2004 14:14

Ok thanks!

OP posts:
Loobie · 19/12/2004 14:16

No he cant see what we have typed as it is live so not saved anywhere

Original poster
stressedmummy · 19/12/2004 14:19

Ok, I have added your email address.
Do you now need mine?

OP posts:
Loobie · 19/12/2004 14:21

If you mail me your instead of putting it here where he may see it i can contact you

Original poster
stressedmummy · 19/12/2004 14:21

It is saying that you are not online.

OP posts:
Loobie · 19/12/2004 14:24

My status is showing as online,have you added me to your contacts,then i should show up if not i will sign out then sign back in and see if i show up then.

Original poster
stressedmummy · 19/12/2004 14:25

Yes I have added you to my contacts.

OP posts:
Loobie · 19/12/2004 14:26

ok worked it out i am [email protected] not .com sorry thats why im not showing up

Original poster
stressedmummy · 19/12/2004 14:30

That's fine. I had bodged up anyway, as I spelt your name with a capital L!
I will try again now!

OP posts:
Original poster
stressedmummy · 19/12/2004 14:32

It is still saying that you are not on line?

OP posts:
Loobie · 19/12/2004 14:36

opk send me your msn address to my email [email protected] and ill add you to see if i can find you.dont worry we'll sort it without having to put anything here