What do I do about dh's temper?

[stressedmummy]

I have changed my name here, so that dh does not find out that I am starting a thread about him.
Basically I live with a man with a terrible temper & it is getting to the stage where I am not sure that I want to be with him any more.
He has never hit me, but he kicks things, throws things, smashes things & generally scares me to death when he gets very angry.
I have 2 ds's aged 5 & 20 mths who are also seeing Daddy acting like this when angry & I know it is not good for them.
Last year we nearly seperated because it was getting so bad that I was dreading coming home from work, because I knew what I was coming home 2.
This was also shortly after he had got angry about ds1 shouting out in his bed, yelled at him & then on charging down stairs fell down the bottom steps, resulting in him bounding back up the stairs & kicking the wicker basket in ds's bedroom, which obviously terrified my poor ds.
Anyway, he swore he would change & for a while he did seem to calm down.
He works long hours & I am often stressed, as I work & then have to come home & deal with the boys (which I am not doing very well at the moment)
He is very house proud & if he ever finds a bean or something on the floor he goes mad.
Anyway, yesterday he actually returned home early for once (4pm) & I had a friend round with her young children who were playing with my ds & making a little mess as children do!
When they left, dh went mad about the state of the place.
He first started shouting out "for fu*k sake"
because he could not find one of the bin bag holders.
He then came in & discovered that a ball had fallen from the christmas tree & got really angry throwing the ball hard on the floor, resulting in it shattering to pieces.
He shouted "Get upstairs NOW" to the children & then started to throw all the presents around.
I followed the children upstairs & ds1 said " Daddy was not very nice to me then"
I spent ages crying & wandering what I should do after, but dh does not think he was wrong & said that if the ball was not on the floor & the house was not a mess it would not have happened.
I just don't know what to do for the best for my children.

I just wanted to say that I'm wishing you happiness at Christmas and peacefulness in the New Year. Please don't live in fear, it's a terrible prison and you sound like a kind, loving person with two beautiful sons who deserves to be able to curl up with them and make as much mess as they need to make to be happy.

This man will, sadly, probably never change and the way he speaks to you and treats you and your sons is shocking. As others have said, please don't ever think this is normal or just his way - it is abuse and he has the potential to harm you or your sons. You deserve joy and light, not this frightening tension hanging over your life.

May Christmas bring you strength and hope, you will never be alone with your sons there to love and be loved by you.

Thankyou all, for your kind words.
Dh admitted that he needs to calm his temper & said he would try, but admitted himself that he will probably slip back to his old ways over time.
Ds has a friend round this morning & I was so paranoid when they were running around the lounge that they would knock the Christmas tree.
He said he would not hit me, but would probably punch the wall twice if he got that angry.
I am going to see how things go in the new year.

mishmash, your post made me cry.

I can now see that there is not much chance of this change lasting long with my dh.
He has just gone mad because the boys all had a chocolate muffin & it has left crumbs everywhere.
I have tried to clean up the majority of the crumbs, but dh is throwing the rest of the muffins away.
Ds1 is quite upset about this.

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Hello stressedmummy, I've just read your thread. I used to live with a man just like your dh and I was cowed too. You describe yourself as pathetic. I know what you mean as I could have used that word about myself. When you have been bullied for so long you lose your inner strength. But when you break free it will gradually come back again as the emotional wounds are given a chance to heal, instead of being chafed by new assaults every day.

If you could stand aside and look at yourself and your relationship in a detached way, you would see the harsh reality of how unacceptable his behaviour is. I know when I lived with a man like this, I was always thinking if only I could make him feel loved and secure, he would overcome his temper and over-controlling ways. The problem with this approach is that you do in fact enable him to continue in the same old way.

If you leave or preferably throw him out, he may still not change, but at least you will not be providing him with a subservient victim to practise his bullying on. At the end of the day you can't control him, but you can control you. And what you need to do is stop allowing him to be the one that does control you. You can choose a life free of this fear that dogs you every minute of the day. And you can choose to break the chain of conditioning that made him emulate his father's behaviour - thus freeing your sons at the same time.

No one deserves to live as you are doing. You are living in hell and you will make yourself ill and shorten your life with the effects of all the stress. Your sons need you to make a firm stand and say, 'enough'.

I do know how hard it is but believe me if it doesn't happen now it will happen later. Do it now, (after Christmas), and shorten that sentence you are serving.

Plan carefully, stash some money, I know it feels wrong to behave this way but this is a matter of survival for you and your sons. If he wasn't being so controlling there would be no need.

Even the thought of an imminent escape will help you feel stronger inside and you can begin to tread the path towards healing.

I know.
Nothing is going to change atall. It has only been a couple of days since he swore he would change, so the signs are not good.
My ds's friend wants to go home because their was a huge bang upstairs, which dh shouted at straight away.
It turned out that ds's friend had fallen from the ladder on the cabin bed & hurt his head.
Dh was not apolagetic atall & just said if they wern't messing around it wouldn't have happened.
They are both 5 years old ffs.
Ds's friend now feels uncomfortable & wants to go home.
Dh is now sleeping on the sofa, leaving me to get on with it.

I know that I will end up getting out of this relationship one day anorak. I just need to find the strengnth to do it.
I also worry about how I would cope financially.

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No, he never wanted one.

Would it have been better if we did have 1?
I only earn pocket money compared to him.

Here's what I wish I had done when I split up with my ex:

Planned my escape in detail.
Stashed money away.
Disappeared far away from him and started a new life.

You can do this. I did it at the drop of a hat because instead of planning I stayed and put up with him until he threw me out. And this is what will happen to you if you don't take the reins. You will become more and more appalled by his behaviour until he feels so uncomfortable about your disapproval he will throw you out. Men like this rarely leave. They like to be in full control and once you are seen as an opponent they use money and the roof over your head to punish you.

When I left I had made the mistake of lending my ex money which he assured me would be paid back. I had £7,000 debts incurred for him. He never paid a penny back, nor did I get any maintenence from him. I survived, and paid back all the debt, even though my dds were aged 1 and 4 when we split. I was too afraid of him to go to the CSA and I couldn't claim benefits unless I had. But I worked, and I lived. I won't pretend it wasn't tough. But as the weeks went by I felt my old self emerging and only then could I see clearly that I had been bullied for years. Splitting up with him, although he forced it, was the best and most positive thing that ever happened to me, despite all the financial struggle, all the problems, all the uncertainty.

My only regrets are that I stayed so long, and that I did not plan better before leaving. I should have hidden money, taken valuables, had my new life organised. But because I could no longer hide my disdain, he dumped me before I had time for all this. Do not fall into the trap I fell into. Plan, plan, plan. And act.

Oh stressedmummy, I so feel for you. Fantastic advice from anorak (as always). Please take it, and soon, for your sake and that of your boys. [hug]

He left you anorak
I don't really know where I would go.
I don't even drive.

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No, he didn't leave me. I lived in his house, and we weren't married, so he threw me and the children out on the street. I also worked for him, so immediately I had no job either.

I went to live with my dad for a few months. My mother had died two weeks previously and my dad was glad to have me there. He babysat while I worked morning noon and night and cooked and cleaned for him.

That is terrible anorak
I know that my dh gets irritated by the children, being children & I am on tender hooks all the time.
The time that I feel most myself & relaxed is when I am at work.

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But he has not been violent as in hitting me, only by hitting, kicking & smashing objects.

I wish I had had a friend like wig&robe when I was going through this.

OMG read your last post back to yourself...only by smashing things, etc.... I call that violent!

Yes he does have a violent temper, but has never hit me.
He thinks it is ok to punch walls etc, as long as he is not hitting me.
I have always thought that it was only considered abuse if you were actually being hurt by them in some way.
I do know that this is not a healthy enviroment for the boys to grow up in though.

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I know that he is violent in that way. What I ment was that he hasn't been phyisically violent to me before.

SM, I work with abused women and I KNOW this is violence. He is hitting things, smashing things to intimidate you, scare you and it's working.

Your children are terrified (what if they were to get in the way of something that was being smashed or hit?)

Domestic violence comes in all forms but the devastation that the different methods inflict have the same result - fear, control and intimidation.

Please speak to someone about this: Local Women's Centre, Victim Support, Community Safety Unit,Women's Aid - at least to get advice and support from those in the know.