What do I do about dh's temper?

[stressedmummy]

I have changed my name here, so that dh does not find out that I am starting a thread about him.
Basically I live with a man with a terrible temper & it is getting to the stage where I am not sure that I want to be with him any more.
He has never hit me, but he kicks things, throws things, smashes things & generally scares me to death when he gets very angry.
I have 2 ds's aged 5 & 20 mths who are also seeing Daddy acting like this when angry & I know it is not good for them.
Last year we nearly seperated because it was getting so bad that I was dreading coming home from work, because I knew what I was coming home 2.
This was also shortly after he had got angry about ds1 shouting out in his bed, yelled at him & then on charging down stairs fell down the bottom steps, resulting in him bounding back up the stairs & kicking the wicker basket in ds's bedroom, which obviously terrified my poor ds.
Anyway, he swore he would change & for a while he did seem to calm down.
He works long hours & I am often stressed, as I work & then have to come home & deal with the boys (which I am not doing very well at the moment)
He is very house proud & if he ever finds a bean or something on the floor he goes mad.
Anyway, yesterday he actually returned home early for once (4pm) & I had a friend round with her young children who were playing with my ds & making a little mess as children do!
When they left, dh went mad about the state of the place.
He first started shouting out "for fu*k sake"
because he could not find one of the bin bag holders.
He then came in & discovered that a ball had fallen from the christmas tree & got really angry throwing the ball hard on the floor, resulting in it shattering to pieces.
He shouted "Get upstairs NOW" to the children & then started to throw all the presents around.
I followed the children upstairs & ds1 said " Daddy was not very nice to me then"
I spent ages crying & wandering what I should do after, but dh does not think he was wrong & said that if the ball was not on the floor & the house was not a mess it would not have happened.
I just don't know what to do for the best for my children.

this is abuse, plain and simple. You and the children are being abused by a bully. So what if he's tired? Loads of men are and don't react like this. He had a crap childhood, and needs help BUT you are not a trained advisor and don't have the capacity to deal with this. Your kids will get caught up in the circle and might end up like him, although you will do your best, (especially as they're boys).

He has to leave, now and then realise through counselling or whatever, just what he might lose. The chance to be a better father than he had, the chance to be a father at all. You should not be scared, I have ben in 2 relationships and in the present one (2nd) told dh straight that any more outbursts, drunken or whatever, would not be tolerated and he could piss off. Was scared of 1st dh, very jealous of him etc but scared because he might leave me and could get nasty when i pushed him, which i did. Took me years to see it wasn't my fault, and I still get a bit scared of him when he talks me down on the phone and i feel about 10 instead of 44!!!!

Stressed Mum - i have been so sad for you reading this - I know how you feel (I was bullied by my brother - not quite the same but i know but the memories linger on........) I have always said that if i ended up in a similar situation as an adult i would leave or kick him out - the fact is i would have nowhere to go - I really understand how difficult it is for you to take the next step- towards a better life for you and your kids. I think you should. It will be hard but in the long run it will be worth it

THere seems to be alot of threads on MN ATM about violent or abusive and nasty dh and dp - Maybe you should start a support thread for each other!

Please continue to let us know how you are getting on - You too Jampot and Lulupop

Loobie's offer of a place to run too has made me cry............. Some MNetters are so lovely

Just thought I would update you on the latest.
Last night dh & I went out together, as it is his birthday on Tuesday.
We did not really get a lot of time together, as in every pub we went in, he seemed to see one of his friends & they ended up sticking around us.
The last pub we went in, we saw his boss & they spent the whole time joking about some deal that if dh got his pay rise, then his boss's reward was to shag me.
Anyway, we then went into the kebab shop to try & order a taxi, but were told it would be a long wait.
We walked to the phone box, but the phone was not working, so dh started to bash the hanset onto the reciever really hard shouting.
He then said "Right we are walking".
Charging off at such a speed that I could not see him.
I turned around & walked back to the kebab shop to ask them to order me anoother cab & burst into tears.
I could not believe that I was alone in town amongst a load of drunks because of his temper.
Anyway, eventually he reappeared & we jumped in a passing cab.
When we got home I was still in a state & told him that he must control his temper as it was scaring me & the kids.
He got cross & turned it all around saying how cross I get with ds1 when he does not get dressed ( which I do) 7 how I want his help then.
I agreed that I sometimes need his support but that he does not need to get so angry that he bashes & smashes.
All I got back to that was "What will the neighbours think if they could hear me saying that".
He also kept on about what a crap birthday he was having, which I apologised for.
Eventually, he kind of said "Ok I won't smash things etc anymore".
But it was hard work getting him to see that he was in the wrong.
I spent hours crying loads & my eyes feel all puffy today.

Do you think I should speak to my health visitor about this?

Would he consider an anger management course, if therapy is for "fruitcakes"? He reminds me a little of DS2 who has a fearful temper and explodes when he doesn't get his own way. We bought him a punchbag for his birthday ;) Now he can take his temper out on that rather than losing it with me - or his brothers.

Absolutely, speak to your HV. If she can't help, she should be able to point you in the direction of someone who can.

I think it was because of all the advise on mn, that I approached him about this last night, rather than suffering in silence, as I normally would.

Sorry you had such a crap night Stressedmummy - it sounds like you really try hard to please him and he just destroys you. I think I would be inclined to speak to your GP both for yourself and dh.

I do try hard to please him, but know that I am not as tidy as he would like.
He is going out in a bit on a day & night christmas drinking session with his friends.

sounds like heaven to me SM make the most of the peace & quiet and have fun with your boys

It is heaven when he is not about
I have just said to him that I am afraid of him turning like his father & that shocked him, as he obviously did not have the best role model there.

He has just gone out & before going he actually apolagised for his behaviour!!
He says that he does not want to scare me & will try not to smash things etc.
I know that he probably will do it again, as it hard for him to control his temper when angry, however it is good that he is actually taking on a little of what I say for once!
His Mum once told me a story of how his Dad cancelled his older brothers party & threw all his lego away, just because he would not tidy it up!
She said that it was not only a punishment for the child but also for her.
This story alarmed me, as it is just like the kind of thing dh would do & she obviously felt as upset by his behaviour as I do when dh goes over the top with punishing our ds.
I stressed to my dh that his behaviour could end up effecting our ds's in the way him & his brother were effected in their childhood & I know that this comment made him think.
Thankyou to all who have advised me, as it was the comments from all of you that made me realise that action needed to be taken!

Have you discussed your relationship with dh's mum SM? It sounds like she could be a valuable source of support for you

Not really because I did not want to worry her.
She is nearly 70 & does worry about things.
She has actually seen dh going off on one & looks all worried.
The other morning dh had been on nights & was in bed.
I was downstairs about to take ds to school & asked him to quickly sign one of his chrismas cards to take to school with him. Ds had his shoes on & although I tried to be as quite as possible, he knew that ds was in lounge with his shoes on & bashed the floor boards as load as he could shouting "Get him out of there!"
mil looked all concerned & said "How did he know?"
I can tell it concerns her & know that she can probably see his Dad in him, but never says anything.

You will get piece and quiet while he's out but i bet a pound to a penny you are trying not to worry about what he'll be like when he returns after being drinking all day and night.
to offer you up for shagging is just dispicable and must have made you feel so low what a nightmare of a man.
Dont put yourself down saying that he gets mad cause your untidy etc,i am now on my own and am as tidy or untidy as i wish and it is great,yes exp didnt like my untidyness either.
Exp trested the two boys so differently as if only one of them was actually his and the damage this has done to the kids relationshipp with each other is i think unrepairable,i have tried over the 2 1/2 years we have been apart but the boys still hate each other and its down to exp.
The kids were 41/2 and 61/2 when we split and they never ask for dad even ds2 who was very close to him,they seem unaffected by our separation except for the better in that they can relax and be children without someone constantly on their back.
What im saying is if you really see no decent amount of change being made then please worry about all the extras later and leave,it will be hard initailly but it wont be long till you start to see the benefits of being on your own and the benefits it will have on the kids too.It was scarey to start with but now i love being on my own with my little people,i have only support from my dad and i have three close friends thats my whack,so i also dont have a huge support network but have still done it,i was 5mths pg with a 4 and 6 year old,the 6 yearold has autism and behavioural problems and we all survived and are happier than ever.

So dont let the fear of the unknwon stop you let the fear of now drive you.Take care of you and yours xxx

I know that one day I will probably have to do this Looby, but it is so hard isn't it?
I look at couples with loving healthy relationships, or great fathers & I feel really jealous.
I think that the reason there have not been more temper explosions is due to the fact he is always at work.

It was very hard at the time but having ds and his difficulties and watching what exp was doing to him made me realise i was going to have to go down the road you are starting on.
Then when i fell pg with dd i got to 5mths pg and couldnt take him anymore,the way he was treating me and ds1,he was great with ds2,i dont know where that came from,maybe because he had no respect for ds1 and him having autism made him treat exp the very same way and he couldnt handle it.I have suffered from depresion on and off for the last nine years,since ds1 was born, but just knew that i had to get away and be strong to carry on with my pregnancy and deal with ds's.The fact that i was carrying a baby and he was treating that baby as if it didnt exsist made me stay strong to protect my unborn baby from his emotions and actions.Be strong and one day life will be easy.

Loobie, there are so many simularities in our situations it is scary!
The way my dh was about my pregnancy led to me almost carrying on like I wasn't pregnant, as it was the only way I could cope with the situation.
I remember sitting in my hospital bed after having ds2, feeling really lonely as I watched all the loving Dads with their newborns.
When dh eventually arrived I felt worse than before he was there, as he showed no interest in his new son & even commented on how ugly he was
He wanted me transferred to a birthing unit for a few days after the birth, to give him longer without the baby in the house.
As I said before, he loves ds2 loads now, but what should have been happy memories of ds2's birth are now awfull memories.

It is not really suprising that I was on ad's after the birth is it?

Oh stressed mummy - how awful for you please dont suffer like this anymore - do go and see your gp, hv anyone that will listen sympathetically and will help you - to you a lot of whats going on probably sounds normal - because it is what you are used to - To me and the rest of MN it sounds absolutely terrible - PLease try to pluck up the courage to get some help soon - I live nowhere near you or would gladly do more to help

{{{{{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

Thanks olyoB.You are all so kind.

Same here,i didnt want him with me when i had dd but he came anyway even though he knew how i felt.I was given a diamorphine injection 4 minutes before she was born as they didnt realise she was coming,so i was off the planet within 15 mins of her being born but he went away straight after she was born knowing i couldnt move so for the first few hours of my dd life she lay on her own in a hospital crib and was given her first feed by a stranger(midwife) cause i couldnt move and he had left,i think he just insited on coming so that he didnt look bad when asked if he was there for her birth.He never held her or done anything for her till she was about 6 weeks old so both her and ds1 are really cast out by him,which of course he denies but everyone else can see.But they will know the truth when they are older. DD went to a chiropractor from she was 9 weeks old and the chiropractor said dd knew she was rejected by exp from 5mths in utero(when he left forceably) and had to work to earn his love and attention ,she wasnt just given it as a child should be from its parent.So if she can know that at 9 weeks i have no worries that the otheres will also know him for what he really is.

Thats so sad Loobie
I have never heard of anyone else having a similar birth experiance as me before.
I remember holding my ds minutes after he was born & dh coming in the room, alongside my parents (he was not there for the birth) 7 my Dad said to him as he looked blankly at his ds
"Arn't you a little touched?" And dh just said "No not really?"
I think my Dad was quite annoyed with him at the time.

I feel really sad for my ds's.
My sister has still got them & I want them back now so that I can give them a big hug!