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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

What do I do about dh's temper?

375 replies

stressedmummy · 18/12/2004 09:48

I have changed my name here, so that dh does not find out that I am starting a thread about him.
Basically I live with a man with a terrible temper & it is getting to the stage where I am not sure that I want to be with him any more.
He has never hit me, but he kicks things, throws things, smashes things & generally scares me to death when he gets very angry.
I have 2 ds's aged 5 & 20 mths who are also seeing Daddy acting like this when angry & I know it is not good for them.
Last year we nearly seperated because it was getting so bad that I was dreading coming home from work, because I knew what I was coming home 2.
This was also shortly after he had got angry about ds1 shouting out in his bed, yelled at him & then on charging down stairs fell down the bottom steps, resulting in him bounding back up the stairs & kicking the wicker basket in ds's bedroom, which obviously terrified my poor ds.
Anyway, he swore he would change & for a while he did seem to calm down.
He works long hours & I am often stressed, as I work & then have to come home & deal with the boys (which I am not doing very well at the moment)
He is very house proud & if he ever finds a bean or something on the floor he goes mad.
Anyway, yesterday he actually returned home early for once (4pm) & I had a friend round with her young children who were playing with my ds & making a little mess as children do!
When they left, dh went mad about the state of the place.
He first started shouting out "for fu*k sake"
because he could not find one of the bin bag holders.
He then came in & discovered that a ball had fallen from the christmas tree & got really angry throwing the ball hard on the floor, resulting in it shattering to pieces.
He shouted "Get upstairs NOW" to the children & then started to throw all the presents around.
I followed the children upstairs & ds1 said " Daddy was not very nice to me then"
I spent ages crying & wandering what I should do after, but dh does not think he was wrong & said that if the ball was not on the floor & the house was not a mess it would not have happened.
I just don't know what to do for the best for my children.

OP posts:
Original poster
stressedmummy · 30/12/2004 15:30

I don't feel like I have the courage, but I cannot live in fear of his moods & temper for ever more either.
I know it will be scary & a very hard move to make.

OP posts:
JudgeFlounce · 30/12/2004 19:06

Message deleted

Satine · 30/12/2004 19:32

You CAN do it. You have to believe that. One day this will all be over and you will be so relieved that you did something. It probably seems as though it's very easy for us to all say these things when you're the one who actually has to face up to the reality but we are all hoping and praying for you. Lots of love xx

lulupop · 30/12/2004 20:57

whereabouts are you, stressedmummy?

do you have family nearby? do they know what he's like?

Original poster
stressedmummy · 30/12/2004 21:15

I am in kent lulupop.
I do have my parents very close to where I live, but would rather not go to them if it could be avoided iykwim.
I do not talk to them much about my situation, but I am sure a lot of it is very obvious to them. He does not really try to put on a front around them & can come across very rude.
My Mum was with me when I gave birth to ds2 & saw how awfull he was about his birth.
I am sure they know, but they just don't tend to say much.

OP posts:
lulupop · 30/12/2004 21:33

I'm in Kent too.

My parents in Hampshire and know all about DH, and voice opinions freely! Doesn't make it any easier though.

Original poster
stressedmummy · 30/12/2004 21:40

Do you talk to your parents about him lulupop?
Or is it just obvious, as it is in my case?
My parents knew about us nearly seperating last year, as I phoned them to try & get them to drop a key off for H (he was doing decorating at their house & having a tantrum about not being able to get in the house!) & then had to phone them back to say not to rush back, as H was leaving!
He never went though

OP posts:
WideWebWitch · 31/12/2004 06:22

Stressedmummy, totally agree with aloha and buffettheturkeyslayer and everyone else who says he is a violent bully and you ought to get out now before he does any more damage to you and your children. It is NOT normal to behave like this and all the gifts in the world can't make up for it. Here's a link to women's aid they can give you practical advice about leaving. I do hope you manage to do it.

Original poster
stressedmummy · 31/12/2004 09:36

Thankyou www.
It is so hard atm, because my ds's love their Daddy so much, despite everything.
However, I know , as he is starting to, that they will not always feel like this if his behaviour continues.
The last talk we had was the second really big talk that we have had in the last 2 years, as I realised how serious the situation is becoming.
He had tears in his eyes when we had this discussion & said things would change, but admitted that they would probably go back to how they were (which I know they will)
I told him that he needs to do an anger management course, which he agreed with, but I know he will not do one really.
I have decided that he has had enough warnings now & the next big incident will be the last.

OP posts:
noddyholder · 31/12/2004 10:07

Don't think you should be waiting for the next big incident it may be an incident too far IYSWIM

WideWebWitch · 31/12/2004 10:25

The next big incident could very well be the last if he kills you or your children. I don't think you should wait until then. Sorry to be brutal but the stats show that the time before/during a woman leaving an abusive partner is very, very dangerous. He's a controlling bully and won't want to let you leave or take your children. He may well be prepared to do anything to stop you. And it isn't love he's showing you, it's control, but I think you know that really. I can't make you leave though and I don't want to bully you since you've had enough of that from this vile man but I do hope you find the strength to leave. You say your family know what he's like so will they help you if and when you make the break? I do hope so.

WideWebWitch · 31/12/2004 10:26

And your children are better off with him out of their lives imo. It doesn't matter how much they love him, he's violent and you and they deserve to live without fear.

Original poster
stressedmummy · 31/12/2004 10:46

I know that the children deserve not to live in fear & they are my main concern.
He does not really hit them, but as I have said, he uses severe punishments like making ds1 stay in his bedroom for a whole day etc.
He has told me that the reason they behave better with him than me is because I am not strict enough.
He has never hit me, but he does terrify me with his temper.
He has sworn that he would never hit me, but would thump the wall twice if he felt that annoyed.

OP posts:
tiredemma · 31/12/2004 10:48

your children must be absolutly terrified.

i know how hard it is to leave, its not as easy as packing a bag and walking out.
i hope you eventually find the courage to get yourself and your children a peaceful life. xx

hunkermunker · 31/12/2004 19:32

SM, please don't wait for the next big incident. If you get yourself into that mindset, you'll brush the next one under the carpet and wait for the one after that...and the one after that...and then he may very well do something irreversible or fatal to either you or one of your sons.

Don't regret not leaving, please.

WideWebWitch · 31/12/2004 19:50

stressedmummy, it's still abuse, even if he doesn't actually hit you, I promise you it is. Happy New Year, I really hope things work out for you in 2005.

Caligulights · 31/12/2004 20:16

SM, all the best for the new year, I hope you'll find the strength to begin a new life in the new year.

Original poster
stressedmummy · 04/01/2005 20:51

Thankyou for your good wishes for the new year.
Things had been quite calm for a few days, but today I can see that I must do something before too long, for the sake of my babies.
H was cross because his DVD had been posted in the video by ds2 & would not play.
Obviously, this was my fault for not watching him at that moment, but this led to him being in a bad mood.
DS1 was stood behind the sofa near his Dad with his fingers in his mouth & was told to stop, as it makes him smell & he was making a noise while sucking them, in H's ear.
He stopped for a moment but started again unconciously.
H then shouted at him saying "I told you to stop doing that" & grabbed his arm, throwing him away from the sofa.
Ds fell to the floor crying & came running to me for comfort, saying "Daddy pushed me on the floor & hurt my arm."
H insists that he did not hurt him, but I am in shock & very upset by it.
Ds is now fine & has forgotten all about it, but I know that this will not always be the case.
I love my boys so much & don't want this life for them, as I feel that we are living with an un-exploded bomb.

OP posts:
JudgeFlounce · 04/01/2005 20:57

Message deleted

Caribbeanqueen · 04/01/2005 20:58

You are certainly living with an unexploded bomb, stressedmummy. Please find the courage to take some positive action before one of your lovely boys gets badly hurt.

You have had so much wonderful advice from others on this site.

There is a thread somewhere tonight by someone going to see a divorce lawyer to talk things through - is there any way you could find one in your area just to have a chat with?

I hope and pray that you manage to start the new year as you mean to go on and allow you and your boys to have a peaceful, fear-free 2005. Best of luck. xxx

lulupop · 04/01/2005 20:59

so sorry stressedmummy. it's so awful when the little ones witness this sort of behaviour, it just makes me want to cry.

be strong for your babies. you all deserve a better life than this. it will be hard and you will have no money for a while, but you'll be safe in the knowledge that he is not going to be hurting and upsetting your children.

I have made an appt to see a solicitor next Monday. Please do the same.

Original poster
stressedmummy · 04/01/2005 21:01

Well done lulupop.
I know that I must make some moves now, as I would hate for my boys to end up screwed up by their childhood.

OP posts:
Yurtgirl · 04/01/2005 21:07

Message withdrawn

furballmad · 04/01/2005 21:19

So sorry about your situation. 5 years ago i was in a violent relationship my ex partner was angry all the time and it didn't matter what i did if he wanted to lash out he did. I thought i was doing the best for my children keeping the family together but it wasn't till my son was born that i realised he was going to grow up thinking this way of life was normal that i decided to leave. I got a council house luckily in a lovely area and threw myself into diy. My son was 4 months old and my daughter 5and half. It was hard but to feel safe in y our own home is better than a lottery win. My ex still doesn't think he did anything wrong and muy daughter is still scared if he shouts. The good news is that 5 years on i am married to the most wonderful gentle funny caring man in the whole world and am 11 days of delivering our first baby, { and last} my other children adore him and even though they still see their dad they call my db dad, so stick to your guns, it isn't easy but my god it is worth it. All my love thinking of you be strong and remember u r worth more than this.xxxxx

Mooseofawaterwitch · 04/01/2005 21:37

stressedmummy, this is so abnormal and awful and tragic for your boy. I do hope you can find the courage to leave.

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