What do I do about dh's temper?

[stressedmummy]

I have changed my name here, so that dh does not find out that I am starting a thread about him.
Basically I live with a man with a terrible temper & it is getting to the stage where I am not sure that I want to be with him any more.
He has never hit me, but he kicks things, throws things, smashes things & generally scares me to death when he gets very angry.
I have 2 ds's aged 5 & 20 mths who are also seeing Daddy acting like this when angry & I know it is not good for them.
Last year we nearly seperated because it was getting so bad that I was dreading coming home from work, because I knew what I was coming home 2.
This was also shortly after he had got angry about ds1 shouting out in his bed, yelled at him & then on charging down stairs fell down the bottom steps, resulting in him bounding back up the stairs & kicking the wicker basket in ds's bedroom, which obviously terrified my poor ds.
Anyway, he swore he would change & for a while he did seem to calm down.
He works long hours & I am often stressed, as I work & then have to come home & deal with the boys (which I am not doing very well at the moment)
He is very house proud & if he ever finds a bean or something on the floor he goes mad.
Anyway, yesterday he actually returned home early for once (4pm) & I had a friend round with her young children who were playing with my ds & making a little mess as children do!
When they left, dh went mad about the state of the place.
He first started shouting out "for fu*k sake"
because he could not find one of the bin bag holders.
He then came in & discovered that a ball had fallen from the christmas tree & got really angry throwing the ball hard on the floor, resulting in it shattering to pieces.
He shouted "Get upstairs NOW" to the children & then started to throw all the presents around.
I followed the children upstairs & ds1 said " Daddy was not very nice to me then"
I spent ages crying & wandering what I should do after, but dh does not think he was wrong & said that if the ball was not on the floor & the house was not a mess it would not have happened.
I just don't know what to do for the best for my children.

yes ive been keeping an eye on both you and lulu threads to see how you's are getting on.Plewase atke heed of the info lulu posts tomorrow after being at the solicitors.
It really is amazing how much they take in,even as as a baby dd new her daddy didnt love her and denied her,the chiropractor told me that dd 'felt she had to earn dads love rather than just be given it as a child should' and she was only 9 weeks old at the time!

I thought that because he seemed to quickly forget the incidences that they were kind of gone from his head, due to his young age.
Last night shocked me, as there seemed no reason for him to bring it up when he did.

I will be checking out the info tomorrow btw.

It is surprising the effect things have on children,ds1 who has autism eats anything but gradually he stopped eating peas/beans/spaghetti things that are messy and get away from you iykwim,the reason behind it was that exp shouted at him all the time for making a mess,he cant even use cutlery properly because of his motor problems FFS,but now ds1 says i dont like them as he has been so affected by exp getting on at him its easier to say he doesnt like the things than try to eat them,make a mess,a dn get a rollocking.
So yes things do affect them thats why we all want you to get out.

Hi stressedmummy, glad to see you are still posting. Even though your boys are very young they will still be aware of what is going on and at least of the bad atmosphere of fear and violence. And even if they don't seem to actively remember things now or when they are older, it will all be stored away in their minds somewhere and may well have an effect on how they behave when they are older.

hope you are ok. xxx

My ds gets into trouble for making a mess as well.
Did you see my post where H through all his chocolate muffins away before Christmas, because of all the crumbs they made?
I know that I need to get out & I will be watching carefully to see what advice Lulu gets tomorrow.
I started to think that maybe things wern't so bad because he has been ok for a couple of days & then I look down this post & see what I have really been through in just the last couple of weeks & come back to reality.
All this name changing that I am doing for these posts is starting to get very confusing!

I know cq.
Last night when ds1(5) whispered to me that he wouldn't let Daddy shout at me any more, it really hit home how much it has already affected him.

In that case these threads are doing good as its so easy to forget,especially as you say when they are being nice,but it gets to the stage where as lulu said she feels now,that it doesnt matter what they are doing you still cannot bear to be with them any longer regardless of what they do.
My kids have now blossomed so much in the 21/2 years we have been apart,i felt so unsure at the start especially with the baby,was i a bad mother bringing a baby into my life after i had thrown her father out of it?what if he wasnt really being that bad to the kids and me and i wanted him back?what about the boys ds2 was very close to dad,would he rebel,freak out whatever?
But they have come on leaps and bounds and are so relaxed and happy in there little lives which is all they ask for really.
My sitting room currently has toys from one end to the other,a pile of ironed washing in a basket on the coffee table,another pile to be ironed on the sofa,more in the kitchen im trying to get dry,upstairs looks like a bomb has hit as we are decorating the boys room,the dinner dishes are still in the sink and im about to phone a chinese and watch commander in amongst all the debris,imagine how relaxing that life would be to you.
We may be untidy at the mo but we are all safe and extremely happy.Have a good think about lulu's info tomorrow.The initail act is hard but the life afterwards is bliss.

Yes I agree.
I want my boys to be happy & it breaks my heart to see what damage their Daddy is doing to them.
I am not even sure that I really love H any more.

SM I dumped my xp when it became obvious that he was doing my DS damage. Incredibly, at the age of 2 he was a timid and cautious child, unwilling to do anything without permission.

When I look at my DD now, at the same age as DS was when I dumped xp, she is so different - confident and assertive to the point of unmanageability! But I'd rather have her like that than how DS was at her age.

DS (5.5) has only started to recover in the last year or so. He's beginning to show his real personality, unafflicted by fear or worry that he will be judged wanting. It took me at least 2 and a half years away from xp to get him to a stage where he's not actually afraid of participation. How long it will take to foster actual confidence, I don't know, but God, the damage that man did, without meaning to, is amazing. I can't stress enough how much damage even the mildest neglect does. I'm pretty sure my xp wasn't actually violent to DS - though how will I ever know? but even the mild neglect he showed him has had a huge impact on his life. Don't doubt how much of a favour you'll be doing your children by leaving.

The way that you have just described your ds sounds very similar to mine.
He is timid & very self concious (sp) for a child of his age.
He does not mix well & for the last year or so seems to have one nervous tik after another.
I put a lot down to him being a shy child, but his withdrawn behaviour does stand out.
At the moment ds2 is not withdrawn atall, but he is not 2 until March & I realise things could change.
I guess maybe the damage with ds1 has already been done.

Ah but SM as caligula has said the damage can be undone.all be it slowly but if/when you get away from this man you can start repairing what he has done to your ds and one day he will be a happily adjusted little boy.(so dont beat yourself up too much just yet){{{{hugs}}}}

SM, absolutely, the damage can be undone. Even terribly damaged adults can recover and learn to live with the damage that was done to them as children (though it's tough) but children are very resilient and do recover. The earlier the better though.

Thinking back, I had a course at work about child protection a while back & they described the emotionally abused child as this outsider, who was often on the outskirts of the playground etc etc.
I just sat there & thought "They have just described my son!"
I hope things are not too late.

It's not too late, stressedmummy. As caligula said, kids are very resilient. But the longer they are exposed to emotional trauma, the longer it takes to recover.

{sad] I hate to feel that we are responsible for damaging him.

Hi stressedmummy

I'm sorry i haven't been around much lately, gave birth to ds2 on the 1st so i've been a bit busy.

I am even more worried about you than before now i have to say. I've read most of what i've missed and one thing really really worries me. You say he never physically abuses you or the kids, and you decided a while ago that the next big incident would be the last. Despite everyone telling you that you shouldn't really wait for the /next/ /big/ /thing/. But then, on the 4th he did physically abuse your son, by throwing him to the floor. That's your baby SM. Was that not enough of a /next/ /big/ /thing/ !?!?

Please please please stop letting this get worse. Can't you see that he is already making a transition from verbal (as if that isn't bad enough) to physical? GET YOUR KIDS OUT.

YOU CAN DO THIS

Hi stressedmummy. How are you doing? I'm sorry I haven't posted on your thread before, but I just wanted to let you know that I have been thinking about you a lot. Not really a huggy sort of person, but am sending you my best wishes in what I suspect is a nigh on impossible situation.

SM

I hope you are ok, and staying strong.

Congratulations on your new ds pockettasha!
I saw your announcement & posted a message of congratulations! He sounds gorgeous!
I see what you are saying about the pushing incident & it was heartbreaking for me to watch.
It shocked ds & he came running crying into my arms.
He has also started to make comments about not letting Daddy shout at me & how he will sort him out if he makes me cry again.
This also alarmed me, as because he seems to forgive & forget so quickly, I thought these things left his mind very promptly. (he has not actually seen me cry for quite a while, as I tend to do it away from them)
I don't want my children to have a bad childhood & they are my biggest upset in this relationship.
I just feel very weak & pathetic at the moment & really dont feel I know what to do.

Thankyou for your good wishes dinosaur.

sm
You know exactly what to do... You just need to do it. I can't understand why you are still there now? So many times you have said "right, this is it!" But you don't. You've got to do something now. He's being violent to your kids. If it broke your heart that much, get them out.
I don't want to be harsh with you hunny, but it's time for action now.

Thankyou for the congratulations. I want to be able to congratulate you soon, on your new life.

I really don't want to be hard on you, but, your letting him ruin your childrens childhood now. You are the only one who can protect them. So do it, for them and you.

Hi stressedmummy, I understand that you are not sure what to do and possibly worried about making a new start on your own, but as I see it you have two options.

The first is to stay where you are and subject yourself and your dss to your bully of an h. They will spend their childhoods scared and worried of ever setting a foot wrong, of making a mess or leaving a toy in the wrong place. They will be desperate to please their father and scared that if they or their mother upsets him, he will shout, scream, throw things and possibly be physically violent, hurting them or you. They will be desperately worried that they will be hurt or that their mummy, who is the only one who can protect them, will be hurt.

The second choice, a very very difficult decision to make I know, is to get yourself and your kids out of the house, the relationship, leave the abuse behind and make a new start, just you and them. It will be very hard at the beginning, especially if you don't have mush support around you, but bit by bit your boys will be able to regain their confidence, be able to act like little boys and have a happy childhood.

I really hope you don't take this the wrong way, I don't mean to intrude or preach to you, but your story really upsets me and I really wish I could do something to help you.

Take care xxx.