What do I do about dh's temper?

[stressedmummy]

I have changed my name here, so that dh does not find out that I am starting a thread about him.
Basically I live with a man with a terrible temper & it is getting to the stage where I am not sure that I want to be with him any more.
He has never hit me, but he kicks things, throws things, smashes things & generally scares me to death when he gets very angry.
I have 2 ds's aged 5 & 20 mths who are also seeing Daddy acting like this when angry & I know it is not good for them.
Last year we nearly seperated because it was getting so bad that I was dreading coming home from work, because I knew what I was coming home 2.
This was also shortly after he had got angry about ds1 shouting out in his bed, yelled at him & then on charging down stairs fell down the bottom steps, resulting in him bounding back up the stairs & kicking the wicker basket in ds's bedroom, which obviously terrified my poor ds.
Anyway, he swore he would change & for a while he did seem to calm down.
He works long hours & I am often stressed, as I work & then have to come home & deal with the boys (which I am not doing very well at the moment)
He is very house proud & if he ever finds a bean or something on the floor he goes mad.
Anyway, yesterday he actually returned home early for once (4pm) & I had a friend round with her young children who were playing with my ds & making a little mess as children do!
When they left, dh went mad about the state of the place.
He first started shouting out "for fu*k sake"
because he could not find one of the bin bag holders.
He then came in & discovered that a ball had fallen from the christmas tree & got really angry throwing the ball hard on the floor, resulting in it shattering to pieces.
He shouted "Get upstairs NOW" to the children & then started to throw all the presents around.
I followed the children upstairs & ds1 said " Daddy was not very nice to me then"
I spent ages crying & wandering what I should do after, but dh does not think he was wrong & said that if the ball was not on the floor & the house was not a mess it would not have happened.
I just don't know what to do for the best for my children.

I don't know where I would go?
I have stood by the door a good few times during my marraige & then think "Where the hell are you going exactually?" And walk back to where I started.
When he threatened to leave last year I was almost relieved that he was leaving me, but he never went.

i know it's hard, but do bare in mind that you don't have to leave, you can get him to. i know this is a much harder option but i court would stand by you

have you checked out any of your options yet?

sorry that should have read the court will stand by you

I havent been to see a solicitor yet, but did read Lulupops post with interest, from her visit on Monday.
I have spoken to 2 close friends about the incident before Christmas when he smashed the ball hard on the floor because it had been knocked off & they seemed a little concerned and 1 of them said he does not seem to know how to be a proper father (from her observations)
I don't often say much about him in rl, because a lot of our friends are mutial.

I haven't seen lulupop's post but why don't you make an appt to see a solicitor next week?

I dont know how I would do it without him finding out.

Solicitors know how to be discrete, i'm sure they would be careful if they had to contact you. do you have oportunity in the day when you are alone? Sorry i forget how old the kids are.

My kids are 5 & 21 months & I also work in a school every day, so time is hard.
I also would need someone to have the kids for me & if I am nipping out somewhere I normally leave them with him if he is around but he does shift work & is often not around.
My other problem is that I dont drive.

Could you go in a lunch hour or straight after school, then the children could stay with their childminder (or whoever they are with). You could get a bus or a taxi, or ask someone for a lift.

Hmmmm now theres a thought.
I may be able to get someone to have them for a while after school 1 day & maybe get a cab.
I would not want anyone to find out what I was doing, so would make out I was nipping into town or something.
I may well look into that.

If you are serious about this (your language suggests otherwise) then check it out tomorrow and let us know.

It is something that I have always known that I must do 1 day but I guess I have kept putting it off in the hope that things will improve.
It is a scary move to make & I have been trying to convince myself over the years that he really will change, everytime he promises this.
I will look up some solicitors in our yellow pages. I know that there is a really good female 1 in my town.
I can understand how cross & frustrated you must all feel with me, but I am really scared about taking this huge step in my life.

Sorry stressedmummy, I didn't mean it to sound as if I was having a go at you. I don't feel cross at you, I know it is a huge and scary step to take. I do feel frustrated that your dss are having to live with this man though, sorry.

Maybe you can have a good think this weekend about practical steps you can take (money, somewhere to stay if it is you who leave etc).

One thing you can be sure of is that he will never change.

Hi Stressedmummy, sorry you are having such a hard time. I agree with the others, you need to get out of this situation, for your children's sake. I know it's not an easy decision to make, believe me, I've been in a similar situation. But think what the alternative is: do you really want your sons to have a crap childhood, to live in fear, and to end up believing that this is how daddies treat mummies? You're the only one who can protect your children.
Have a look at the women's aid website , you should find a lot of useful advice there.
Good luck, be strong and keep posting.

Take a day's holiday! Or just tell your boss (headmistress?) that you have some urgent legal business to take care of that you can't discuss right now but you need to take half a day's leave. You CAN do this.

Or a dr's appointment, or a trip to the dentist because your filling has fallen out and it's killing you. Anything.

I know you are right & I think deep down I have known that he will never change all along, but wanted to believe that he would.
Have just posted on lulupops thread regarding the seeing a solicitor.
Am feeling very emotional right now, just thinking about it.
I dont blame people for feeling frustrated with me & I feel frustrated with myself.
Am just feeling very upset & scared about the moves that I will have to make.

I dont want my boys to have a crap childhood.
I spend every day at school caring for children & I'm not able to give my own a healthy family home.

You are able to give your children a healthy home, in fact you are the ONLY person who is able to do it.

I know you are scared, it is a scary situation to be in, but I think deep down you know you have to take this step.

Keep posting and I'm sure mn will be here to support you as much as we can.

right sm, I've just skimmed the recent msgs here as am knackered and need to get some sleep for dd kicks off her crying for the night.

my feeling as that you know in your head you need to see a solicitor, but in your heart you're not quite there yet. I can't help you with that part, but as regards the practicalities, I'll tell you what I did.

I didn't want to just select at random, so I looked on the sfla website \link[www.sfla.org.uk\here} for an accredited member. There are loads, so I chose one within walking distance of my home.

I didn't want anyone to know either, so I made an appt for a time when ds was at nursery and asked a friend to have dd (the appt was half an hour - though we did run over - so dd only needed to be looked after for 1 hr). I orignally made vague noises to the friend about going to the doctor - no one enquires too closely if you are non-committal about that sort of thing - but in the end I told her the truth as I was near breaking point. She has been v supportive.

The solicitor charged me £60 for the initial consultation, and I think most solicitors work in the same way - initial consultation is either free, or a lot less than standard rates.

I found all the info I cld on mortgage statement, bank account levels, debt levels, income, etc, to give full overview of our affairs.

I felt sick on the day, but believe me, there is nothing these people haven't seen before and they are good at putting you at your ease (mine was anyway). They want to help.

I do know, trust me I do, how hard it is to take what feels like a major step. But you aren't committing yourself to any further action, and finding out exactly where you stand will boost your confidence a lot. You should also see the CAB about what benefits you cld claim after a split.

As for your H finding out - just do it when he's at work. I know you work too, but could you not find a way to get an hour or so off? Again, vauge noises about doctors should do it.

Please do it. I am worried about you. I know you are in Kent too so if you want to CAT me we cld always talk privately. Take care.

\link[www.sfla.org.uk\sorry, HERE!}

let's try that one again...

here

Yes, before you go and see a solicitor make a note of what you paid for the house, what you estimate it is worth now, and what the mortgage is and is it in joint names etc, how much he earns and you earn, how much debt you have, and as much detail about your finances that you can think of. Write it all down.

Thankyou for all your info lulupop.
I know that I must start making moves for the sake of the boys, but I am scared.
I want a better life for us, just like you do.
I am very emotional tonight, just thinking about everything. H is on nights.
I know what you mean about friends, as mine dont say much, but when I told a friend about his smashing episode the other night she said that he needs to chill out & she didn't think he knew how to be a proper Dad.
She also spoke of her suprise in seeing him once play with ds1 & kiss ds2.
For her to be so suprised about this, she must think he is a terrible father.
At the moment though, they all cover it up with how he is a nice bloke but....
I know really that they probably dont think he is a very nice bloke, but feel they should say that because he is my husband.