What do I do about dh's temper?

[stressedmummy]

I have changed my name here, so that dh does not find out that I am starting a thread about him.
Basically I live with a man with a terrible temper & it is getting to the stage where I am not sure that I want to be with him any more.
He has never hit me, but he kicks things, throws things, smashes things & generally scares me to death when he gets very angry.
I have 2 ds's aged 5 & 20 mths who are also seeing Daddy acting like this when angry & I know it is not good for them.
Last year we nearly seperated because it was getting so bad that I was dreading coming home from work, because I knew what I was coming home 2.
This was also shortly after he had got angry about ds1 shouting out in his bed, yelled at him & then on charging down stairs fell down the bottom steps, resulting in him bounding back up the stairs & kicking the wicker basket in ds's bedroom, which obviously terrified my poor ds.
Anyway, he swore he would change & for a while he did seem to calm down.
He works long hours & I am often stressed, as I work & then have to come home & deal with the boys (which I am not doing very well at the moment)
He is very house proud & if he ever finds a bean or something on the floor he goes mad.
Anyway, yesterday he actually returned home early for once (4pm) & I had a friend round with her young children who were playing with my ds & making a little mess as children do!
When they left, dh went mad about the state of the place.
He first started shouting out "for fu*k sake"
because he could not find one of the bin bag holders.
He then came in & discovered that a ball had fallen from the christmas tree & got really angry throwing the ball hard on the floor, resulting in it shattering to pieces.
He shouted "Get upstairs NOW" to the children & then started to throw all the presents around.
I followed the children upstairs & ds1 said " Daddy was not very nice to me then"
I spent ages crying & wandering what I should do after, but dh does not think he was wrong & said that if the ball was not on the floor & the house was not a mess it would not have happened.
I just don't know what to do for the best for my children.

i know it is abnormal.
Seeing my little boy run up to me crying after, was heatbreaking.
I know I must stop this before they get older.
This is the first time that people have actually told me that leaving would be the right thing to do.
It is such a hard, awfull situation, but I know that it is a life style that I don't want for my much loved boys

When I say the first time, I mean since starting the thread.
It has reduced me to tears, how serious everyone thinks things are.
It took me ages to get the courage to start this post & then nearly didn't, because others situations seemed lots worse.
I think it has been a real wake up call for me 7 has confirned a lot of what I have been thinking myself over the years.

I'm really glad you did have the courage to post sm. Now you just need to screw up the courage to leave. It will be a relief, once you get used to it, to live without fear.

Lack of courage is my big problem in life I'm afraid.

I'm not surprised after the way this man has treated you sweetie.

Dear God SM - someone who lives in a battlefield as you do and is fighting to protect her children has a lions share of bravery!

Don't put yourself down, doubtless your H has done that well enough for both of you!

You'll find the courage very soon and it will take you somewhere much more pleasant than where you are right now

It is not normal behaviour is it?

No, no, emphatically no. Most of us absolutely do not live like that.

Sadly SM it is not normal behaviour. I wonder where it all went so wrong for him???

Whatever may have caused him to turn out the way he did, I'm sure the last thing you would want is for your DSs to think that the way he behaves is the way all daddy's behave

They deserve a much better picture of male identity that that! I liked furball's post tonight because it gives the hope that life can change and your boys may well have a happy family life around the corner. But before you can possibly deliver that for them, you have to ditch the arsehole from all your lives first!!!!

He had a screwed up father himself, who ended up killing himself when h was 14.

I want better for my boys

Sm, even if you understand why he's like it you're quite right to want better for your boys and yourself. It doesn't matter why he is, he's abusive and it's no way for you to live.

Oh SM that really is so sad

Was he abused by his father?

The cycle really does have to break and as awful as it might be for your H, you have to protect yourself and the boys. You know it might just be the shock that he needs to make him get some help.

Please do be careful though, he does sound unpredictable in his rages!

Yes, please be careful.

Hi again SM. Please leave as soon as is practically possible. I am really worried that the incident you've described today is the beginning of more serious harm. You do not need to live like this, nor do your boys. More importantly, you all deserve better.

Go and see somebody to sort out the best way forward. You are brave enough to do this, you can do it and you will do it. We're all here for you, hun.

He was not abused as such by his Dad, but his Dad sounded very unstable.
He had left the family home & moved to Canada to be with another woman.
The way that he broke the news to H, was that he was leaving & never coming back, but to be a brave boy & not cry (H was 9)
He killed himself the day before H was due to visit his Dad for a holiday in Canada
H idolised his Dad & still does not see much wrong in him.

Well it sounds awful and of course he's fucked up but please don't let your pity for him stop you leaving.

Thankyou. I don't know how I would have got through recent events without the support of you lot.
My children are my main concern & I feel that I will do it for them.

Hmmm - I suppose it might come back to what your H menas by abuse mightent it?

He probably can't see his own behaviour as abusive so perhaps doesn't recognise that his fathers was abusive IYKWIM.

However I do agree with MWW, why he's abusive whilst interesting, is not really of much use to you at the moment. Just the fact that he is abusive means that you cannot tolerate the situation.

I don't want the pattern to continue & want a happy life for my boys.

SM - of course you will do it for your children - you're their Mummy and they trust you more than anyone in the whole world to protect them

Thankyou for your lovely candle thought over Christmas, soapbox.
I caught up with it yesterday & was in tears.
You are very kind

The reasons behind your H's abusive behaviour are interesting in the abstract, but have no bearing whasoever on what you should do now. The answer stays the same. Get advice and get out (or make him get out, which I believe is what you're entitled to, but may be harder).

You can do it, you know you can and so do we

You are more than welcome SM - I like this site so much - most of the time the collective goodwill towards other people truding the same roads as us, is truely awe inspiring.

I know I've found it an enormous support at difficult times

Heres the latest happenings Loobie!
Things have been calm over the last couple of days, but ds1 said to me last night "I wont let Daddy shout at you again Mummy & I will sort him out if he makes you cry."
It suddenly hit me how much he is actually taking in.