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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Are All Men Like This

174 replies

ThewayIam · 26/10/2023 04:11

Hi MN members
I’m I’m my 30s and dating a man for just over 3 years. He’s divorced and a few years older but not a big gap.
Anyway in the starts of the relationship he was easy to talk to and seemed a good listener, empathetic and supportive. Loving. Caring. Lots of affirmations with hugs and caresses.
Then he started changing bit by bit and the relationship seems to be so hot and cold. He will tell me he loves me and is faithful, but will go a few weeks with no physical contact. I don’t just mean no sex, but no hugs or kisses even. He will go quiet and barely talk. He will get angry at me for minor things. He will give me silent treatment. Whenever I’ve talked about this to him he will say I must grow up and not be annoying and so emotional. He just dismisses his behaviour and my feelings. He doesn’t care when I feel rejected and invisible. He will even shout and swear at me and run me down when he’s moody and not apologise. It’s either my fault or he will say all relationships have arguments and ups and downs and I can’t expect him to be perfect. Well no - I don’t expect that but is it hard to try consistently to be respectful and caring and communicate properly? Is it hard to say sorry when you’ve called your partner awful names and told them to STFU often. I can end up in tears and still be told to stop being immature.
Another thing is he shows me little if any sexual attention and says sex isn’t the be all and end all of a relationship. It does hurt though that he’s a selfish lover.
I do love him for the good points and fun times but I don’t know if I’m expecting too much and being too sensitive. I just Mr Ty feel secure and truly loved and wanted but he says I’m just being a negative paranoid pain in the arse.

OP posts:
Lizzieregina · 26/10/2023 04:28

Short answer, no. All men aren’t dicks!

Name calling, telling you to shut up, swearing. You can do better.

Original poster
ThewayIam · 26/10/2023 04:32

meant to say in last paragraph that I want to feel secure. Typo!

OP posts:
GodDammitCecil · 26/10/2023 04:38

You do realise you have some agency in a relationship as well, don’t you, OP?

So - you can make decisions for yourself about the relationship?

It’s not all down to him to say how things are.

What you’re describing is not normal. This man doesn’t like you.

You can stay in the relationship, and leave all the decision making up to him. But why would you?

The basic tenet of any relationship isn’t actually love. It’s like. Once the like has gone, it’s over.

Whether you admit that to yourself or not. Whether you do anything about it, or not. It’s over.

Mamma2017 · 26/10/2023 04:45

RUN.

This is text book emotional abuse and will get worse.
Classic gaslighting examples:

“It’s either my fault or he will say all relationships have arguments and ups and downs and I can’t expect him to be perfect.”

“he says I’m just being a negative paranoid pain in the arse.”

Not to mention all the other abusive behaviour you describe- shutting you and all your emotional needs down “tells me to STFU” Stonewalling you with silence. Really abusive.

Red flags all over this.

RUN RUN RUN.

Ragwort · 26/10/2023 05:05

Why do you stay with him? No man has ever sworn at me (& I have never sworn at anyone).
How can you possibly say you 'love' him when he treats you like that?
You need to work on your self esteem ... surely it is better to be single than in a relationship like that?
What is your housing situation? Do you live together? I hope not for your sake ... just get rid of him.

SpringleDingle · 26/10/2023 06:47

No they are not all like that. He sounds horrible. Leave, there are far better options available!

occhiazzurri · 26/10/2023 06:51

You mention he is divorced - what was the reason/rationale?

Zanatdy · 26/10/2023 06:53

Absolutely not all men are like that. I’d leave this relationship now, it’s only going to get worse, not better. Assume no kids or anything keeping you tied to this guy? Trust me I spend too much time with my ex who used to happily ignore me for weeks, months even, then all of a sudden he would just start acting normal again. Really unhealthy way to live; it was never addressed, he just expected me to start speaking to him again, and I generally did as I’m a people pleaser naturally and hated the atmosphere. Everytime he did it, it chipped away a bit more of our relationship until there was no way back

CreationNat1on · 26/10/2023 06:54

Bin him off. You deserve better.

category12 · 26/10/2023 06:55

No, only emotionally abusive men are like this.

Guavafish1 · 26/10/2023 06:55

No

He is toxic and no fun

Original poster
ThewayIam · 26/10/2023 07:07

No I don’t live with him but spend a fair bit of time together

OP posts:
Hiddenvoice · 26/10/2023 07:07

No, not all men are like that. I’ve never dated anyone who has shouted, swore at me or called me names and I would quickly end the relationship if they did.

Op you’re not happy here, he doesn’t sound particularly invested in the relationship right now. I know you’re 3 years in but can you see anything changing for the better?

Original poster
ThewayIam · 26/10/2023 07:08

He’s probably gotten worse to be honest over time. I have to question my value to him often

OP posts:
Time4achange11 · 26/10/2023 07:15

My ex was like this. Just on a roller coaster constantly with his emotions. We had a 14 year gap and he used my age to blame Me for my childishness!! I was early 30s and He didnt like it when I tried to speak to him about the inconsistencies on his part. Sex would be constant for months then he'd stop. He'd go funny every few weeks then happy for a few weeks. He'd also speak to me like rubbish and get mad easily.

In his case most family members had walked away and he had no friends. All areas of his life were affected by his rude attitude. I to this day think he had a personality or mood disorder. Never met anyone like it! He was incapable of being happy and constantly needed mothering. He lied alot and buried his head in the sand. He grinded me down for 3 years until I clicked on He'd never change. It's hard because like you say they have a nice side too. But often when they are nice its ego based and because they are earning themselves validation through giving you a tiny bit of effort. Usually mine would cook me a nice dinner and he seemed to think he was running around after me. Often forgot I paid for it, travelled to see him etc.

WonderingWanda · 26/10/2023 07:17

No not at all. This one is mean and abusive. Get rid of him!

NoraLuka · 26/10/2023 07:21

No, lots of them aren’t like this. The thing with this type of behaviour is that you get used to it and don’t mind as much. Imagine he was like this when you first met, would you be in a relationship with him?

Ihaveawonderfulpartner · 26/10/2023 07:22

No. Not all men are like this. His behaviour is gross and long term will leave you an emotional wreck.
I've been with my partner for over 13 years and he's never sworn at me. Never raised his voice in anger to me. We don't argue. We cuddle daily. He shows affection daily. He makes me feel like I matter.
You can do better.

Hallmark1234 · 26/10/2023 07:26

One word......RESPECT...........he has absolutely none for you!

Please find yours and let him go. Whatever his problem is he's using you as a metaphorical 'punchbag'

You need to show him you're not prepared to put up with it. Don't be afraid to be on your own. You don't need a man like this in your life, as no, not all men are like it.

Time4achange11 · 26/10/2023 07:32

It's 100% emptional abuse as others have stated and I got "used to" the way he was. It didn't even hurt me in the end.. I'd just leave and go home and think what a grumpy twat. Its very easy to loose yourself.

Ask yourself this. How many others have said to you that your immature. Over sensitive. Etc. If its just him then doesn't that tell you something.

They tend to project. So really he's over sensitive. He can't handle your critism. He can't handle being questioned. He doesn't want to feel he has to try or level up because that means his ego gets bruised. He's immature because he's older than you and won't comfort or respect his partners issues. You don't dismiss your partner when they have a genuine hurt. If my partner said he didn't feel loved or wanted a hug I'd do it there and then and apologise and tell him his worth. Why is that so hard for him to do?

GroanWoman · 26/10/2023 07:41

I hope writing this all down, having to put all those experiences and feelings into words, has helped to clarify this for you, OP... this man is awful. He's abusive. This is not a good relationship.
Please leave and find someone better. You deserve it.

Wolfen · 26/10/2023 07:41

End this relationship. There's no happy future with this man. Raise your standards and find someone who at least wants a happy functional relationship.

4naansjeremy · 26/10/2023 07:44

Please don’t wonder what you can do to bring back the man he was in the beginning. You won’t ever feel secure because his behaviour is designed to ensure that you never will.

There is no point in reminiscing about the early days of your relationship. The affection and empathy. That was never him just an act. He was grooming you for the abuse he is now subjecting you to.

yellowsmileyface · 26/10/2023 07:46

No, not all men nor relationships are like this. This is emotional abuse.

Sure, all relationships deal with conflict, but in a healthy relationship that conflict is dealt with in a way where both partners feel validated and respected.

The changes always happen bit by bit so that you normalise it and don't question it. This type of behaviour always escalates so I'm sorry to say it will get worse. There's no reasoning with men like that or getting them to see your side of things. He knows that he's hurting you and he doesn't care.

My advice would be to end the relationship.

Original poster
ThewayIam · 26/10/2023 07:50

Did he ever seek help?

OP posts: