Are All Men Like This

[ThewayIam]

Hi MN members
I’m I’m my 30s and dating a man for just over 3 years. He’s divorced and a few years older but not a big gap.
Anyway in the starts of the relationship he was easy to talk to and seemed a good listener, empathetic and supportive. Loving. Caring. Lots of affirmations with hugs and caresses.
Then he started changing bit by bit and the relationship seems to be so hot and cold. He will tell me he loves me and is faithful, but will go a few weeks with no physical contact. I don’t just mean no sex, but no hugs or kisses even. He will go quiet and barely talk. He will get angry at me for minor things. He will give me silent treatment. Whenever I’ve talked about this to him he will say I must grow up and not be annoying and so emotional. He just dismisses his behaviour and my feelings. He doesn’t care when I feel rejected and invisible. He will even shout and swear at me and run me down when he’s moody and not apologise. It’s either my fault or he will say all relationships have arguments and ups and downs and I can’t expect him to be perfect. Well no - I don’t expect that but is it hard to try consistently to be respectful and caring and communicate properly? Is it hard to say sorry when you’ve called your partner awful names and told them to STFU often. I can end up in tears and still be told to stop being immature.
Another thing is he shows me little if any sexual attention and says sex isn’t the be all and end all of a relationship. It does hurt though that he’s a selfish lover.
I do love him for the good points and fun times but I don’t know if I’m expecting too much and being too sensitive. I just Mr Ty feel secure and truly loved and wanted but he says I’m just being a negative paranoid pain in the arse.

He sounds awful! He also sounds like my exH in many ways. Please try to read 'Women Who Love Too Much'.

You’re not the one at fault.

He’s pulling you down and you will never find happiness with him. I don’t know how to be any more blunt than that.

No, all men aren't like that. You need therapy to figure out why you are willing to put up with such poor behavior from a man. The fact that he's nice sometimes is irrelevant. He's abusive the rest of the time. He's a twat and you deserve better.

Thanks everyone for advice. I’ve been spending this whole time depressed because I’m a failure and can’t get it right, can’t seem to get back the man I first fell in love with and have him love me the way he did. I’ve been feeling like everything is wrong with me from my looks and body to my overall personality

This.

You are in an abusive relationship.

Run

And that's how abusers want you to feel. As if you need to change you to fix them. As if 'if I could just find the right words to make him understand' ... stuck on that merry go round.

Instead of realising - they.do.understand.
They just don't want you to know that.

You should never have to explain to someone why obviously horrible, hurtful behaviour IS horrible and hurtful.

If you find yourself doing that, you are in an abusive relationship.

He gets it. He.means.you.harm.

Get out and never look back.

Most men are definitely not like that. I’ve never been spoken to disrespectfully. Don’t get me wrong I’ve had arguments like any couple, but there’s a big difference between an argument and abusive.

Know how it feels, you want that person back who was there before. I'm assuming everything was amazing, perfect almost and this now seems alien because wasn't like it before.

Maybe if you do something, did better, changed yourself he would go back to how he was. He was always like this underneath, just didn't show it initially. No matter how much you change, bend or do differently, it will never be enough, the end result will be the same.

This kind of behavior turns your head inside out, it does strip your self esteem completely and you actually start believing you are the problem. It's not you though, that's what he wants you to believe but it's actually him.

I was in your shoes.

I went to a well qualified, experienced chartered clinical psychologist.

First session: Me:I’m very unhappy, I don’t know if it’s me or him?
End of first session: Therapist: it’s definitely him.

By the end I realised he was an entitled bully with narcissistic traits.

Im now divorcing.

There, I’ve just saved you a £1,000 to hear the same thing everyone else here is telling you.

Get the book “The verbally Abusive Relationship” by Patricia Evans” if you don’t believe us.

can’t seem to get back the man I first fell in love with and have him love me the way he did.

Because that man was not the true 'him'. He was putting on a face to love bomb you and make you think he was wonderful and only wanted to 'care for you'. But then slowly, once he felt sure of you, he began to lower his mask and show you the 'real him'. By that time he had you thinking that if he wasn't treating you right, it was because of you. It wasn't. He actually enjoys bullying and belittling you. Read it again. He. Enjoys. It.

When you say "I'm done with you" he ramps up the love bombing. Why? Because victims are very hard to find and even harder to train and keep. And that is what you are, the victim of an emotional and psychological abuser.

He will never change. This is who he is and he enjoys who he is.

The best thing you can do is simply text "This relationship isn't working for me anymore and I am ending it. Please do not contact me again" and block him on any and all communications.

Then find a good counselor to help you build back up your self esteem and to learn to recognize red flags. And remember that you are worthy of love and of respect. There is nothing wrong with your looks or your body. There is nothing wrong with your personality. You just need to learn to believe in yourself.

Yoi can't fathom why he acts like this And I can't fathom why you'd want to date someone like that. Can you? I mean, he's horrible.

And he's not unmoved btw. He enjoys it.
He gets a kick out of seeing you upset.

Who cares if he acted nice in the beginning, because now he's showing you he's an evil bastard. Even if he went went back to acting nice you'd know it wasn't real. Because no decent human being ever treats people the way he has treated you.

I know what I have to do.
The last question is like to ask members is - is it a physical flaw with me or just selfishness and lack of respect on his part as far as intimacy goes though where sex only happens when he wants and he’s the only one who has satisfaction. He’s never worried about me or put in any effort. He expects me to pleasure myself.

It's not you

It never was you

Everyone is telling you, it's not you

Believe them

He wants to control all aspects of your life.

So sex is just another area where he gets to be in charge. He doesn't care about your pleasure. Why would he? He doesn't care about your happiness in any other part of your relationship, so why would he suddenly become unselfish in bed?

As with the rest of your relationship, with sex he gets to make you feel lesser than, like there's something wrong with you. He "rewards" you now and then with sex - but it's his way and no pleasure for you.

You feel you have to "earn" every thing you get from him. He's calling all the shots and you're working for him now.

I really hope you send this man on his way before he does any more damage to you. Please, please, put all the effort you are making in trying to understand this bully into caring for yourself. Find that therapist, read the book, do the work and break free.

You need to dig really deep within yourself. It's ideally best you end it. He's selfish and cruel and unreliable..but I'm being real here and I don't truly think you are ready to end it. It can take ages to find your strength when you are confused, trauma bonded and full of questions. If you are going to stay for now and keep going you need to get educated and understand there's something wrong with him. You also need to keep other areas of your life strong. It's easy to give every last moment of your spare time to someone who's treating you like this. But keeping happiness within your friendship circles etc is so important.

Its also Important to mirror him. If he's silent
You be silent. If he's not trying. Don't try! If he's going to be boring and rude. Go out. Stay home. Tell him your bored so going home. Let him know you aren't Inpressed but also give him time to feel your silence.

Sometimes do something nice for you. I got my nails done once. He was all like ill pay. You deserve it etc. The day I went to get them done I was going to his after to talk about our relationship. He stayed in bed until 3pm and I almost called the police thinking he was dead. The day I made some postage changes in my personal life and made some phone calls and I cries through stress... he told me how much he was struggling that day with a pounding head and he felt terrible.
Honestly the patterns of their behaviour is unreal. But make sure you live for you..

The hardest part for me (but it clicked eventually) was seeing that I wasn't walking into a happy positive future with him. Wr wouldn't be buying houses and supporting one another. He wasn't going to be coming home from work happy and loving me and the kids and being the rock of the family. He wasn't that man. Once I accepted that I knew I had to live for myself. There was no point waiting around for him. I just had to get used to it. Once you take your power back you feel so much better.

He's nothing really. He's a miserable selfish man lacking in social skills and maturity. He isn't able to love anyone. They cheat lie and borrow and use to get by.

To answer your initial question (as I know many others have):

NO - all men are categorically NOT like him.
But even if they were - would it make a difference? What I mean is, even if all men were like him, I would still say you need to leave him.

Being happy in life doesn't mean needing to find the least crap man you can find. Being single is 10000 times better than being with the wrong man.

Everything you've said about this man tells us that he is an abuser. He doesn't like or respect you. He's lied about why he split with his wife (likely she left him because of his abuse). He is incapable of having a loving, respectful relationship because he's defective in that respect. He is utterly selfish, uncaring, has zero empathy for others.

When you threaten to leave he pretends to be nice for long enough to get you back under his control. That's all it's about for him, having someone to punish and control. He gets off on it. His approach to sex is the same as his approach to the rest of the relationship. It's all about him and his fun, and he doesn't care about you and yours. What's more, he wants you to know that. He wants to break you down so you're completely in his power and he has full control of a subservient, frightened shell of a woman who willl never question him or put her own needs first.

You can never be happy while you're with him. When you leave him, you'll likely find your health improves. You'll start to get your old self back. Take time to heal before even thinking about another relationship. And if you can, do some reading or get some help so you can avoid this happening again.

In future, if a man doesn't treat you with utter respect, as his equal, someone he loves being around and wants to be happy, walk away.

It is hard to walk away when you’ve gotten used to Somebody and formed a bond after three years. But the thing is if I deep dowm am not important to him then I’m wasting my life with the wrong person

Hi OP,

It's really great to see your mindset shift to realizing you need to leave.

To answer your question, no it's not a failing in you. Nothing is wrong with you. This is what this man does with any woman he is with. It sounds clear that his wife ran away from him to her family to escape him.

Him being selfish in bed is nothing to do with your body. Neither is the horrible things he says or ways he acts. It is a character flaw in the person who is selfish, who is cruel, who is uncaring. These are his characteristics, not yours.

Thank goodness his wife got out. Now you need to.

I'm sorry but the 'nice man' who appreciated you isn't coming back. He will be sweet sometimes so you feel like he might. It will even feel genuine. But this man is deeply flawed and that means he is abusive to women.

One thing is good news.... you don't live with him and you don't have children with him. It sounds like you are therefore financially independent of him.... this means you have what you need to get him out of your life.

We are here for you as you go through this.

No, won't be anything physical with you that's causing issues around sex. It's the selfish element of it, likely doesn't care as long as he's sorted. Considering they generally lack empathy and are unable to actually connect and relate to others it's likely wouldn't know how to make you feel anything anyway.

It's easier for him to initiate when he wants, on his terms because he's then in control of the situation. He can direct and do it in a way he prefers that allows him to gets his needs met, then let you figure yourself out.

In my experience, don't care if you're not up for it, you're expected to and rage about it but they will shoot you down if they are not wanting to. No care if you're uncomfortable and not enjoying it, if they are hurting you or going too far with whatever they have in mind at the time.

Deeply flawed people with a total disregard for boundaries and your feelings.

Thank you for the encouragement. It’s definitely soul destroying when you’re with someone who becomes even nastier when you’re upset. A normal person when they supposedly care for another person, will try reassure the other one when they’re upset and vulnerable, not hone in on their insecurities and drive the knife in deeper. It’s the total opposite of what you should do. If I’ve ever upset someone I value, I’ll do my best to apologise and try smooth things out.

Yes that is also another thing, happened frequently with mine too. When they were upset I became a therapist, when they were sick I became a nurse. If it was me that needed support the response was disgust, hatred and no care.

It's not what a normal person does, but these people aren't normal by any means. They can put a good show on in the beginning and they can for strangers and family but not to the one closest.

@ThewayIam

I'm not trying to push you, but what is stopping you from calling it a day?

If it's fear of being alone you need to understand that you can feel more alone with the wrong person than you ever will actually being on your own. And honestly, I think a bit of time on your own would be a good thing. This man has beat you down and made you doubt your own precious self. You need time and space to recuperate from that and to realize that you ARE a good human being who is worthy of an honest and true love from and honest and true man. But you aren't going to find that good man when you're all tied up with his manipulative shit.

And if you think about it, when balanced against the rest of your life, 3 years isn't a huge slice. Life expectancy is, what, 80 years for a woman? So depending on your age you have 40, maybe 50 or even more years of life to enjoy. Don't waste another minute of it.

OK so the sex behaviour is in part because he doesn't care about your pleasure because he only cares about his own. And in part- so that you question yourself. It's having exactly the effect he wants it to. He wants you to worry that something about you isn't 'enough'. Or that you're doing something wrong.

It's all part of the overall act of making you feel like shit. Of devaluing you.

Think about it, sex with a partner is meant to make you feel closer to them. It's an opportunity to bond and show love. But at such a vulnerable time...he uses it to show you unkindness, disregard and contempt and make you feel less like a connected person and more like an object for his use. It's just horrible behaviour.

I'm glad you're starting to see.

Be aware that upon break up, he will try many tactics to con you back. And if he still has access to texting you ext when he finally realises you are done you will likely get anl barage of abuse such as 'no other man would put up with you'. So I'd suggest blocking after you've let him know it's over and told him not to contact you further.
(Read up on the narcissists hoovering tactics online and you'll see many examples of things he might do).

If you do this by text, screenshot the text once it shows as 'seen' and then block. That way, worst case scenario, if he harasses you in future and its ongoing, you can go to the police and show them you told him clearly to leave you alone.

You may want to allow a few replies from him before blocking just so he feels he's had the last word and 'won'.

If you have things of his, maybe get them back to him before dumping him or he will use them to keep contacting you. Alternatively you could post them to him (recorded delivery so he can't claim he never got them) or drop them with his parents if that's an option

If you must break up in person, take his stuff along and break.up in a busy, public place. Do not allow him to follow you home.

Consider changing your locks if he could have a key and changing passwords on your devices.

Once it's done, I recommend doctor ramani on YouTubes videos about narcissists. I say 'once it's done' because knowing about narcissists before getting out, can make us want to be like 'I know what you're doing, I see what you are now, you're a narcissist' and they turn that shit round on you. So end it first and then start learning all you can to help you keep him gone and help you to spot these assholes early in future so you never end up in similar situations again..

Feel really sad reading this as reminds me of my last relationship.

Get out now - I stayed like this for almost 13 years.

The bad times started to outweigh the good and I had to end it for my own sanity.

Almost 2 years on I’m still single and only now feeling strong enough to consider dating anyone again.

I think I tolerated it for so long because I didn’t want to be on my own but in the end I started to lose respect for myself for putting up with it.

I was actually embarrassed when we split up as people were surprised and expected an explanation like cheating or physical abuse, but the truth was he just wasn’t very nice to me most of the time and I felt he really didn’t even like me!

That’s surely not what a relationship should be - I wouldn’t tolerate a friend treating me like that so why do it with a partner.

I do hope and believe not all men are like this - if they are I’ll be staying single 😀

He’s already told me several times in arguments that he’s the only person in the country who would have the patience with me that he has! He really was fantastic at the start. I guess I’ve lived in hope we will get back to that stage but it look’s impossible. Thank you for advice and recommendations.
I always thought my stepdad is evil but at least he has alcohol to blame. My guy is nasty sober. Definitely time for a big change.