Are All Men Like This

[ThewayIam]

Hi MN members
I’m I’m my 30s and dating a man for just over 3 years. He’s divorced and a few years older but not a big gap.
Anyway in the starts of the relationship he was easy to talk to and seemed a good listener, empathetic and supportive. Loving. Caring. Lots of affirmations with hugs and caresses.
Then he started changing bit by bit and the relationship seems to be so hot and cold. He will tell me he loves me and is faithful, but will go a few weeks with no physical contact. I don’t just mean no sex, but no hugs or kisses even. He will go quiet and barely talk. He will get angry at me for minor things. He will give me silent treatment. Whenever I’ve talked about this to him he will say I must grow up and not be annoying and so emotional. He just dismisses his behaviour and my feelings. He doesn’t care when I feel rejected and invisible. He will even shout and swear at me and run me down when he’s moody and not apologise. It’s either my fault or he will say all relationships have arguments and ups and downs and I can’t expect him to be perfect. Well no - I don’t expect that but is it hard to try consistently to be respectful and caring and communicate properly? Is it hard to say sorry when you’ve called your partner awful names and told them to STFU often. I can end up in tears and still be told to stop being immature.
Another thing is he shows me little if any sexual attention and says sex isn’t the be all and end all of a relationship. It does hurt though that he’s a selfish lover.
I do love him for the good points and fun times but I don’t know if I’m expecting too much and being too sensitive. I just Mr Ty feel secure and truly loved and wanted but he says I’m just being a negative paranoid pain in the arse.

@ThewayIam

I really, really hope you manage to get away from this man, because he is destroying you. Everything you say about him shows this - he is the sort of person to cuddle a puppy then kick it away.

Please don't hold onto the thought of being 50% happy with him - you deserve someone who will cherish you, not someone who you have to wonder how he'll treat you next time you see him. You will be left with so little of the person you really are because you're so eager to please him.

It sounds like you had a hard time growing up and now you're with someone who consistently treats you badly. You deserve better don't you think?

Have you had any personal, professional counselling to help guide and strengthen you? If not maybe you can start counselling as part of your healing to help bolster you mentally whilst you are still with him - but even better as soon as you get away from this a relationship with this man who is grinding you down. If you start counselling whilst still with him don't tell him.

Thank goodness you have your own home and you have your friends and your sister who can also support you. And I bet some of the health problems will start to improve or disappear once he's out of your life.

Before you tell him, get your locks changed in case he's ever had access to your keys. Don't rely on him returning any keys he has to your property.

Also don't feel you have to tell him in person that you no longer want to be in a relationship with him - you owe him nothing. A text or email brief text/WhatsApp message or email will suffice- just make it clear this relationship doesn't work for you and you won't be seeing or communicating with him any more. Then block him. Have a friend or your sister with you when you do this if you need real life support.

I hope you manage to get rid of him and find yourself again OP. I wish you strength and a better future. 🌹

Well yes you’d be right. When I’m not in the bad books, he’s all engaging and attentive and great, but that can change in an instant if I say or do anything wrong.
Just last weekend he was annoyed for a few hours because I put too much milk in his tea and I should know after all this time that he doesn’t like it

You have to end this relationship

I did first thing today . Did not go down well. I’ve wasted 3 years of his life and I’m hurtful and ungrateful. I’m making a stupid decision that I’ll regret because I’m fucked in the head with mental health issues. He knows I’ll change my mind but too bad, he won’t give me any more chances.
There were no nice words trying to win me over or apologise or anything. Proves how valueless I am

You've done the right thing OP and his horrible reaction just proves it. He's an abusive, narcissistic arsehole and he's wrong, you haven't wasted HIS life, you've wasted your own on this nasty, abusive man. Please read the books recommended by other posters and work on improving your self-esteem before you get involved with anyone else. Abusive men can sniff out vulnerable women like you wouldn't believe, so you need to not be a vulnerable woman in future. It is much better to be single than to be in an abusive relationship

Thank you for kind words especially as I take some of what he says to heart and feel shitty. He also said I won’t find a decent man again, I’ll just find someone who will accept me just because they want sex. Some people can be so cruel.
I will read books and go see GP for a referral for therapy

Emotional abuse and possible porn abuse

Emotional abuse and devaluing you. Hes not a good un' OP.

He watches porn a lot. Big cause of contention throughout our time together as I refuse to watch it. I can handle a man looking at it occasionally but not to the point it takes precedence over me and is an addiction

I thought that would be part of it. Porn can distort relationships..also lessens desire in partner..not mentioning devaluing women. I have had it...when he started not wanting sex, cuddles kisses, contact. He was dependant on porn. Hours at a time.
He wont change OP. Its not the relationship for you. He can watch porn, thats his own autonomy..but not if hes to be with you, it never gets any better. He is also an abuser to you. I work at Womens Aid...please contact us if you need advice support. There is also a freedom programme I think youll benefit from. Please look it up online. Your confidence is low due today him chipping away at you. My father said to my mum.. no one will ever want you if i go....he was an abuser physically and mentally. Btw my mum after leaving had no problem finding new partners.. even with 4 kids

Thank you for the advice and encouragement. You obviously see and hear these sorts of stories and much worse on a regular basis. It does sap a person morally, mentally and emotionally being in this situation
Glad your mother found a decent man. Shows there’s hope out there.

Dont let him devalue you OP. They see vulnerability and that you love them. They abuse that. Btw yes i hear many stories, but yours is as bad as some...try not to downplay the abuse

@ThewayIam ...Well done for ending the relationship - he will not change - who is now is the real him - as they say - when someone shows you who they are believe them..... I was with someone like this for nearly 30 years - they NEVER change - they just get worse.
Better to be on your own than in a bad relationship. I left nearly two years ago and have never regretted my decision.
I do wonder why I put up with the control,the moods,the shouting,the belittling,the selfishness in sex....... I should have left after the first year but I put up with it.... I have used the last two years to work on myself and learn to like me and be happy with who I am and not let anyone else control my situation.
Hopefully when I am ready to put myself out there again I will keep an eye out for the red flags and choose a good man next time.....if at all !!xxx

Wishing you all the best. I definitely could not do it for 30 years. I’d have a nervous breakdown and be institutionalised

Well done for pushing through. Although it's hard try to take no notice of the insults, it's because he's lost control, they lash out.

Therapy is a good idea, it's hard but it helps you see from anothers perspective how you've been conditioned into thinking you are flawed but actually there's nothing wrong with you.

You will find someone that will treat you well, trust that and don't look back.

And I'll bet you feel an enormous weight off your spirit (among other feelings). And you are NOT 'valueless'!!! You have a great deal of value, to yourself and to others. The only thing his reaction proves is that he is cruel, selfish, and a master manipulator who has affected your self esteem.

Good for you for seeking therapy. I'm sure you'll find it a massive help. And listen, as far as finding a good man, yes they are out there. But please don't rush. Learn to love yourself and to love living on your own first. Learn to cherish the ability to make your own decisions and life your life the way you want to live it. It's much easier to find a good man when you're happy in yourself and at peace with being on your own. You don't 'need' a man to be happy. You only need yourself. As the old Women's Lib saying goes "A woman without a man is like a fish without a bicycle".

If you haven't, block him on all possible communications. Because chances are that at some point he'll try to contact you once he realizes he has to find a new victim and realizes what hard work that is. Not that I think you'd fall for it, but why even have to hear his voice again?

Well done! I'm sure you will see this as one of the most important decisions in your life. The inner fear and weight on your shoulders will soon lessen and then disappear and, hopefully you will find life much lighter.

Good luck with the counselling. Take time without another partner in your life and just enjoy the person you'll become, and enjoy life with your family and friends without someone making nasty comments about them or nefarious their expectations of you. 🌹

Well done op!

Won't he get a surprise when he realises you aren't going to chase. His face when he realises you aren't blowing up his phone wanting him back after his little speech will be a picture xD

Watch out for him trying to rope in any if your friends in or family with 'she's mentally ill and I'm worried for her' bulldhit btw. Always a possibility when they go with the 'you're crazy' gaslighting.

Best to let them know not to engage with him. That he is abusive so you've left him and you suspect he might try to use them to create trouble, so heads up.

will give me silent treatment

For this alone, I'd give him the heave ho. Maybe give him one chance, tell him you are not prepared to live with a sulker. If he can promise to stop and deliver on that promise, all good.

Otherwise, honestly, no one wants to live like that.

Ah, I've just read more of your post and am now wondering what you have learned about relationships that means you haven't already given him his marching orders. Why is that?

my abusive ex was like this

10 fucking years I wasted.

”nobody will ever have you”…

@ThewayIam my dear, I’m now sitting next to the sweetest man on earth, been together for 7 years and who also happens to be a multimillionaire 🤪😁

don’t EVER lose faith in you! You’re worth so much more and you’ll get it now this dickhead is out of your life

block him on everything

Thank you. In the present moment it feels all confusing and painful and frightening. I guess I just take it one day at a time and try not lose faith in myself.

Great update OP!

Painful though it is, you have just taken the first step towards a better life.

Great idea on the therapy and books. Also, make sure you spend time with good friends and family. Work on yourself, but don't brood and feel lonely.

Try and remember that the mean things this guy has said to him are a reflection on HIM not you. My violent tempered ex-husband told me I'd end up "living in doss house". No idea where that came from. I earned more than him for a start and unlike him didn't keep losing jobs because of angry disagreements with coworkers. In reality when I left, he fell apart and I went from strength to strength.

Remember, these guys are bullies who are cowards inside and try and puff themselves up to look more than they are. All they have left when you see the light is bluster and trying to make you doubt yourself.

Really appreciate everyone’s comments, time given, support. Even though nobody knows me personally, it gives me some confidence and courage

Never ever lose faith in yourself. This man has not defined you, he has misled you.

He has misled you to the point that you are disorientated and momentarily lost your bearings.

Your post here however shows that somewhere inside you, you knew this wasn't right and happily you have had this confirmed and taken the brave step to allow this relationship to end.

You have taken that first step back to you, all you have to do now is keep putting one foot in front of the other and you will find where you should be.

Therapy has been mentioned here, I think that is a good idea if you can access it for a while, but the Freedom Programme - in person ideally - will be of enormous help. You need to see that this was Who He Was, and not Anything You Did. HIs behaviour was NEVER about you, nothing in his life is about anyone other than himself.

Onwards @ThewayIam