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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Are All Men Like This

174 replies

ThewayIam · 26/10/2023 04:11

Hi MN members
I’m I’m my 30s and dating a man for just over 3 years. He’s divorced and a few years older but not a big gap.
Anyway in the starts of the relationship he was easy to talk to and seemed a good listener, empathetic and supportive. Loving. Caring. Lots of affirmations with hugs and caresses.
Then he started changing bit by bit and the relationship seems to be so hot and cold. He will tell me he loves me and is faithful, but will go a few weeks with no physical contact. I don’t just mean no sex, but no hugs or kisses even. He will go quiet and barely talk. He will get angry at me for minor things. He will give me silent treatment. Whenever I’ve talked about this to him he will say I must grow up and not be annoying and so emotional. He just dismisses his behaviour and my feelings. He doesn’t care when I feel rejected and invisible. He will even shout and swear at me and run me down when he’s moody and not apologise. It’s either my fault or he will say all relationships have arguments and ups and downs and I can’t expect him to be perfect. Well no - I don’t expect that but is it hard to try consistently to be respectful and caring and communicate properly? Is it hard to say sorry when you’ve called your partner awful names and told them to STFU often. I can end up in tears and still be told to stop being immature.
Another thing is he shows me little if any sexual attention and says sex isn’t the be all and end all of a relationship. It does hurt though that he’s a selfish lover.
I do love him for the good points and fun times but I don’t know if I’m expecting too much and being too sensitive. I just Mr Ty feel secure and truly loved and wanted but he says I’m just being a negative paranoid pain in the arse.

OP posts:

Original poster

ThewayIam · 26/10/2023 07:52

He just said his wife wanted to move back to her home town where parents and sisters were and he didn’t want to move so she left him

OP posts:

GroanWoman · 26/10/2023 07:54

ThewayIam · 26/10/2023 07:52

He just said his wife wanted to move back to her home town where parents and sisters were and he didn’t want to move so she left him

I think you know that that's not true.
Please follow her example, OP, live your life.

AzureBlue99 · 26/10/2023 07:56

If you have to be hyper aware of someone's mood all the time - are they happy, are they angry, are they silent - it's a form of abuse. If you love someone you don't give them the silent treatment, you don't swear at them, you don't minimise your feelings, you don't withhold affection. He is doing all that to you and more. He is treating you with no respect- and he isn't even hiding it.

You don't live with him. Step back and think hard about having him in your life for the next 20 years. You have had the best of him, now but by but the niceness is falling away until all you are left with is a curmudgeon, a joy sapper and potentially worse if he decides to give you a slap or to. It is not inconceivable that his disrespect will become physical.

He doesn't respect you. You must respect yourself. A relationship at all costs is not worth having. Not all men are like that, a lot of them are though. But that doesn't mean you have to be involved with anyone like that. Your relationship is one sided, he sets the tone and you follow. He is mean to you, the relationship sounds like a slog. Nobody can tell you what to do, but think very carefully now which direction you want your life to take.

Time4achange11 · 26/10/2023 07:56

If you were asking me if he got help. He presumed he had undiagnosed adhd. But I think he came across more like a narcissist type character. I suspected borderline at one point. I couldnt weigh him up at all. He was a very messed up man and yeah he had a little therapy when he was depressed to a heavy point. But he would have been giving false information to the therapist. He was telling her he was struggling due to xyz but unlikely confessing he had cheated on his ex. Lied about many things. Not paid people back money. Took everyone for granted. How will a therapist fix someone who is not actually telling them the real reason they are where they are?

Original poster

ThewayIam · 26/10/2023 07:58

If I talk to him about his treatment of me, he just gets mad and swears and belittles me, sometimes has screamed like a banshee and I’m reduced to tears saying ‘I’m telling you that your behaviour is hurting me and yoI respond with more abuse’
Hes told me to stop expecting him to be emotional support because he’s a man and besides I need to just chill the fuck out and be normal. I’m the only person he’s ever met that is so weird and stupid and high maintenance

OP posts:

Original poster

ThewayIam · 26/10/2023 08:01

The problem with me is his good sides when he’s not being moody and verbal or dismissive- is wonderful and keeps me there because he can be Mr Marvellous. I’ve mentioned breaking up several times when I’m hurt and then he will be kind and sweet and affectionate again for a little while

OP posts:

Time4achange11 · 26/10/2023 08:01

Because he wants someone he doesn't have to answer too. The minute you put a boundary in place or bring him up on disgusting behaviour it is seen as an attack on him. He's not able to see anything rationally. It's black or white with him. When you say one small thing he's defensive and angry because you are telling him to level up!

It took me a long time to change. I would cry and in the end I'd walk away. I stopped sending long messages or trying to call him 10 times after I walked out. I lost respect for him. Once you change your reactions you'll be surprised.

I bet he is always threatening to end it too. Telling you he is done when he's staying silent for half a day leaving you in distress.

What's his relationship like with his family.

StopStartStop · 26/10/2023 08:02

He is not behaving properly. In fact, he's abusive.
Ditch him.
It's very straightforward.
Do it today. Your life will improve immediately.

Morewineplease10 · 26/10/2023 08:02

You should be questioning his value to you. Not vice versa.

You sound like a frog slowly being boiled asking these questions.

Of COURSE you aren't being unreasonable. His behaviours are abusive. The gradual nature is deliberate as he increases according to what he can get away with.

Time4achange11 · 26/10/2023 08:04

Yes it's called breadcrumbs.

I think these men are scared of being alone. But too selfish to love someone. They want a mother and if you are younger you probably look attractive and men will think how did he pull her. They also see younger women as more nieve and easy to manipulate.. I guess we are. You can fall for that masculine hero at the start with wisdom. But by the end you will see him as the man who never grew up.

Does he borrow money etc?

yellowsmileyface · 26/10/2023 08:08

I’ve mentioned breaking up several times when I’m hurt and then he will be kind and sweet and affectionate again for a little while

That's exactly why he does it. It's called the cycle of abuse, and it's specifically designed to stop you leaving. Do the good times really make up for the bad times though? Can you live the rest of your live knowing that these bad times are a given and will continue throughout the relationship? He's made it clear to you he won't change and doesn't think he should change.

You're not being too sensitive nor expecting too much. You deserve way better than this.

MzHz · 26/10/2023 08:09

ThewayIam · 26/10/2023 08:01

In answer to your question- are all men like this?

all ABUSIVE men are like this

Mr Wonderful doesn’t exist, that’s the pretend person impression he used to get his victim - you - where he wanted you. No he thinks you’re hooked, and going to put up with anything just to keep a man in your life, the real him is coming to the fore

take this from me. Mr Wonderful will vanish and Mr Awful will be all you have.

it gets worse, it only ever gets worse

so get out today because in a very short time you’ll realise you’ve been a fool to put up with him and knowing that you wasted a single day more on him will make you feel like the dumbest person ever

been there, got the shirt AND the fridge magnet.

he will RUIN you unless you get him out of your life.

MzHz · 26/10/2023 08:09

*Now he thinks

Original poster

ThewayIam · 26/10/2023 08:13

No never. He doesn’t ask for me to cook or clean or any like that either. He’s well off financially although tight with his money but very independent and says he doesn’t need anyone in life.

OP posts:

Original poster

ThewayIam · 26/10/2023 08:19

He mentioned going to America on holidays. I said ok great. He was offering willingly to pay for me. Never bought the subject up again so I did, and he got nasty saying it’s expensive, why would I expect him to pay so much. He does these things often. He says something nice then lets me down and says he’s allowed to change his mind. Doesn’t care I get disappointed. I remind him how he once told me I’m the best thing that’s happened to him but now he treats me like I’m trash at times. He just said ‘don’t put yourself on a pedestal’.
I don’t understand how someone is so loving one day and then awful the next.

OP posts:

CrunchyCarrot · 26/10/2023 08:21

No not all men are like that OP, and if I were you I'd be dropping him like a hot potato! It's abuse.

BethDuttonsTwin · 26/10/2023 08:22

Dating for 3 years? Yes, this is the real him. He's relaxed into the relationship and feels comfortable enough to let the real person come through. And now you know why he's divorced. Dump him, it's not going to get any better.

Time4achange11 · 26/10/2023 08:26

Hmm yes it's all the same pattern as my ex. I lost count of "your wait until I'm sorted sweetheart you'll want for nothing.

We never went anywhere. He was not interested at all in living. He didn't get me a card for my birthday the first year. The second year I got a card and no gift. It was all just not normal.

Original poster

ThewayIam · 26/10/2023 08:27

I know this might sound shallow but what upsets me the most is the way he treats me regarding intimacy. He only cares about his pleasure and anything sexual is purely when he wants it. In this area especially it makes me feel unloved and very unattractive

OP posts:

Hiddenvoice · 26/10/2023 08:28

Sorry op but sounds like this is the real him and it’s quite abusive. I know he has good sides and will suddenly start being affectionate but this relationship isn’t healthy.

I think you need to leave him, have you got anyone in real life that you could talk to for support?

Original poster

ThewayIam · 26/10/2023 08:31

I have my sister and a few friends I’m close to.

OP posts:

Original poster

ThewayIam · 26/10/2023 08:35

I can’t fathom how someone can be completely unmoved by causing high hurt and sadness to someone else

OP posts:

Channellingsophistication · 26/10/2023 08:36

He is abusive and only nice when you are withdrawing after his nastiness to reel you back in and make you think he’s not so bad… but he is… please end this relationship

Needanewnamebeingwatched · 26/10/2023 08:37

Please please leave him, this isn't a normal relationship he is abusive

burntoutnurse · 26/10/2023 08:39

No. Not all men are like this.

End the relationship.

Thankfully you don't live with him so it will be somewhat easier to cut ties

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