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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Are All Men Like This

174 replies

ThewayIam · 26/10/2023 04:11

Hi MN members
I’m I’m my 30s and dating a man for just over 3 years. He’s divorced and a few years older but not a big gap.
Anyway in the starts of the relationship he was easy to talk to and seemed a good listener, empathetic and supportive. Loving. Caring. Lots of affirmations with hugs and caresses.
Then he started changing bit by bit and the relationship seems to be so hot and cold. He will tell me he loves me and is faithful, but will go a few weeks with no physical contact. I don’t just mean no sex, but no hugs or kisses even. He will go quiet and barely talk. He will get angry at me for minor things. He will give me silent treatment. Whenever I’ve talked about this to him he will say I must grow up and not be annoying and so emotional. He just dismisses his behaviour and my feelings. He doesn’t care when I feel rejected and invisible. He will even shout and swear at me and run me down when he’s moody and not apologise. It’s either my fault or he will say all relationships have arguments and ups and downs and I can’t expect him to be perfect. Well no - I don’t expect that but is it hard to try consistently to be respectful and caring and communicate properly? Is it hard to say sorry when you’ve called your partner awful names and told them to STFU often. I can end up in tears and still be told to stop being immature.
Another thing is he shows me little if any sexual attention and says sex isn’t the be all and end all of a relationship. It does hurt though that he’s a selfish lover.
I do love him for the good points and fun times but I don’t know if I’m expecting too much and being too sensitive. I just Mr Ty feel secure and truly loved and wanted but he says I’m just being a negative paranoid pain in the arse.

OP posts:
JustGotToKeepOnKeepingOn · 26/10/2023 08:54

Does it matter that you can't fathom him out? He treats you badly and makes you feel unattractive. Why stay with him? The Mr Marvellous act is just that. An act.

OP you know you need to dump this awful man and get out there and live your life. He will only ever drag you down and hurt you. You deserve so much better.

The hills are that way >>>>

Original poster
ThewayIam · 26/10/2023 09:05

Is it possible I am the problem and don’t realise it as he tells me I cause it and that I’m the nasty one and don’t show him respect.

OP posts:
4naansjeremy · 26/10/2023 09:09

I know this might sound shallow but what upsets me the most is the way he treats me regarding intimacy. He only cares about his pleasure and anything sexual is purely when he wants it. In this area especially it makes me feel unloved and very unattractive

maybe feeling unloved is linked to him not actually loving you?

cheezncrackers · 26/10/2023 09:11

ThewayIam · 26/10/2023 09:05

Is it possible I am the problem and don’t realise it as he tells me I cause it and that I’m the nasty one and don’t show him respect.

Nope! And the very fact you're asking this, rather than realising that this man is abusive and that you should've walked away ages ago, shows that you have poor boundaries and low self-esteem. I'm not trying to be mean, but putting up with this behaviour and trying to reason with someone who is abusing you and sticking around for the little crumbs he occasionally throws you shows that you don't have a lot of self-respect. Please OP, leave this abusive relationship. This guy isn't nice and the reason he gave you for the break-up of his last relationship is clearly BS. His ex may well have moved away - but I guarantee you it wasn't just to move near her family - it was to get away from him!

coffy11 · 26/10/2023 09:13

You're in an abusive relationship, get out before he completely wears you down.

HowAmYa · 26/10/2023 09:27

He just dismisses his behaviour and my feelings

Nope. Leave. That alone is bad enough.
not all men are like this. Never settle for someone who dismisses how you feel when you're hurt or down. Ever.

PaterPower · 26/10/2023 09:29

ThewayIam · 26/10/2023 07:08

He’s probably gotten worse to be honest over time. I have to question my value to him often

YOU have to question your ‘value’ to HIM?!

Jesus, someone’s done a number on your self esteem. If either of my daughters ever come out with a line like that I’ll (metaphorically) slap some sense into them.

This guy isn’t bringing anything good into your life at the moment. No affection, no sex, no commitment, lack of contact, belittling you, angry outbursts…

Is this behaviour not enough?

Really, what WOULD it take from a ‘partner’ before you reached the conclusion they’re not adding any value to YOUR life?

VeridicalVagabond · 26/10/2023 09:34

My husband and I have been together 17 years and have been through everything you can go through in a relationship.

He has never swore at me or called me names. Not once. Even when we've been furious with each other. Even when we have both been exhausted and drained and had nothing to give, he'll still give me a hug if I need physical reassurance. And if he ever told me to shut the fuck up he'd be being shown the door, as I would if I did it to him. It's not normal for anyone to shout, swear, belittle and name call in a relationship. It's abuse.

You need to get away from this twat OP, he's an abusive arsehole and you're worth more. Alone is better than this.

GonnaGetGoingReturns · 26/10/2023 09:35

You’re not the problem. It’s emotional abuse. Men like this man are nice at first then this nasty side comes out. The arguments he’s starting are to get the upper hand and to prove he’s right. No he won’t change.

I had this a few years ago with a boyfriend and I thought he could change, loved me etc, found out he’d cheated after we broke up. Ended up with counselling and on Prozac after it finally ended.

LeonBlack · 26/10/2023 09:39

Read your posts back. He sounds awful. It really isn’t normal to be sworn at nor belittled. And that’s the tip of the iceberg.

Set your bar off the actual ground and dump him.

Needanewnamebeingwatched · 26/10/2023 09:41

ThewayIam · 26/10/2023 09:05

Is it possible I am the problem and don’t realise it as he tells me I cause it and that I’m the nasty one and don’t show him respect.

Honestly you are not the problem

yellowsmileyface · 26/10/2023 09:45

ThewayIam · 26/10/2023 09:05

Is it possible I am the problem and don’t realise it as he tells me I cause it and that I’m the nasty one and don’t show him respect.

If you were the one causing it, it would be in your control to stop it. Does it feel like it's in your control?

You'll find that no matter how hard you try to be on your "best behaviour", he'll still find reasons to blow up and blame you for it. You're questioning this because he's gaslighting you into believing you're the problem, so he can get away with it.

flaxentoad · 26/10/2023 09:49

I've had some horrible relationships over the years.

Now I'm older, my biggest regret is that I didn't just trust my feelings!

I spend months/years agonising over why does he do that? why am I so depressed in this relationship? why is my romantic life so painful and full of angst? and so on...

If I could get back all the time I wasted, I'd just think, "Am I happy? Is this relationship bringing something good into my life?" and if the answer was no, I'd end it right there. The pain I could have saved myself!

So my short answer is, no not all men are like this. There are great guys out there, so you don't have time to waste another minute on this man.

Catsafterme · 26/10/2023 10:18

No, not all men are like this. I had this same behavior with my stbxw, it's psychological and emotional abuse. I made the mistake of not listening to my gut and hoped it would get better but it didn't, it got a lot worse.

MasterBeth · 26/10/2023 10:24

No, not all men are like this.

He just dismisses his behaviour and my feelings. He doesn’t care when I feel rejected and invisible. He will even shout and swear at me and run me down when he’s moody and not apologise.

This is not acceptable in a relationship.

Original poster
ThewayIam · 26/10/2023 10:33

I’ve spent the relationship following his instructions because he makes it come across as advice and protecting me. Admittedly a lot of the times he’s right and it feels good that someone’s looking out for me. How ever at times it feels like I’m being lectured because if I don’t listen to him or I have done something he doesn’t approve of (normally minor things in my opinion), he blows up at me. And then has a habit of bringing up my ‘mistakes’ all the time like he can’t let it go.
For the record, I’ve never sworn at him, shouted at him or been derogatory. I only complain about the lack of sexual attention. I find myself apologising often and he will say that I never learn, I’ll never change, if I loved him I wouldn’t keep stuffing up.

OP posts:
Original poster
ThewayIam · 26/10/2023 10:36

He will act like he’s improving then take 2 steps backwards and blame me that I’m pushing him away. So overall yes his words and behaviour are getting worse over time

OP posts:
AtrociousCircumstance · 26/10/2023 10:37

Who gives a shit what he thinks?

Just end this awful relationship with this horrible abusive man.

There's nothing to hash over or discuss. He’s an arsehole and you just need to end it.

Original poster
ThewayIam · 26/10/2023 10:48

There’s so many examples of how easily he blows up. Just one example once I was late to pick him up from work as his car was at mechanics. I was literally 5 minutes late. I had been helping a lady in her early 90s with something she couldn’t manage. I got such a blast because he was standing on the street waiting for me like an idiot. I thought he’d think it’s a nice gesture that I helped someone in need but I got told stop being Mother Theresa

OP posts:
Ragwort · 26/10/2023 10:58

Why are you so desperate that you put up with this treatment?

Are you frightened of being single?

OkImListening · 26/10/2023 11:01

I'd write him a long letter explaining how you feel (as clearly you just get more abuse when you try to verbalise it). I would explain that, for the reasons set out in the letter, you are ending the relationship. If he begs and pleads and tries to be nice I would stand firm and say you don't want to see him again. He's had lots of chances and you're simply not willing to put up with that kind of behaviour any longer. He might be angry when he first reads it but if you stick to your guns, he will probably read it over and over and that just might actually make him realise what a bastard he's been to you and make him sad for what he has lost.

flaxentoad · 26/10/2023 11:02

ThewayIam · 26/10/2023 10:48

There’s so many examples of how easily he blows up. Just one example once I was late to pick him up from work as his car was at mechanics. I was literally 5 minutes late. I had been helping a lady in her early 90s with something she couldn’t manage. I got such a blast because he was standing on the street waiting for me like an idiot. I thought he’d think it’s a nice gesture that I helped someone in need but I got told stop being Mother Theresa

What was your upbringing like? I know mine affected me and that led to me putting up with abusive relationships.

How were you treated as a child, if you don't mind me asking?

Original poster
ThewayIam · 26/10/2023 11:04

No I’m not. I just love the time I have with him when he’s being a normal decent boyfriend. That part is sort of addictive

OP posts:
Original poster
ThewayIam · 26/10/2023 11:07

I’ve sent so many texts, voice memos, emails and even cards in the past. He tells me it’s bullshit and he doesn’t want to engage in puerile texts. Just talk face to face - yet when I try that he just shuts me down, storms off, angry, then silent treatment

OP posts:
Original poster
ThewayIam · 26/10/2023 11:08

Not a happy childhood especially awful step parents from a toddler onwards

OP posts: