Are All Men Like This

[ThewayIam]

Hi MN members
I’m I’m my 30s and dating a man for just over 3 years. He’s divorced and a few years older but not a big gap.
Anyway in the starts of the relationship he was easy to talk to and seemed a good listener, empathetic and supportive. Loving. Caring. Lots of affirmations with hugs and caresses.
Then he started changing bit by bit and the relationship seems to be so hot and cold. He will tell me he loves me and is faithful, but will go a few weeks with no physical contact. I don’t just mean no sex, but no hugs or kisses even. He will go quiet and barely talk. He will get angry at me for minor things. He will give me silent treatment. Whenever I’ve talked about this to him he will say I must grow up and not be annoying and so emotional. He just dismisses his behaviour and my feelings. He doesn’t care when I feel rejected and invisible. He will even shout and swear at me and run me down when he’s moody and not apologise. It’s either my fault or he will say all relationships have arguments and ups and downs and I can’t expect him to be perfect. Well no - I don’t expect that but is it hard to try consistently to be respectful and caring and communicate properly? Is it hard to say sorry when you’ve called your partner awful names and told them to STFU often. I can end up in tears and still be told to stop being immature.
Another thing is he shows me little if any sexual attention and says sex isn’t the be all and end all of a relationship. It does hurt though that he’s a selfish lover.
I do love him for the good points and fun times but I don’t know if I’m expecting too much and being too sensitive. I just Mr Ty feel secure and truly loved and wanted but he says I’m just being a negative paranoid pain in the arse.

You are addicted to the parts of the relationship when he doesn't abuse you and that's how he gets you to stay, but it's a lie. It's the only way he can get you to stay, that's why he does it. He doesn't feel bad about it as he is not capable of empathy.

Your childhood has conditioned you to think that being abused is normal and it's all you're worth, that's not true, you are worth so much more. You deserve a life were nobody will ever swear at you, put you down, ignore your needs. Leave this man, learn to love yourself then look for a partner if you still feel you need one.

Please see your worth and walk away.
This is why his marriage ended and now you need to end it to.

@ThewayIam
Does it really matter how many men are that way? The real question is why are you staying with this man who is making you so unhappy ? He is not making you cry. Crying is just your response , and it is a far less effective response than simply ending the relationship.

I'm sorry to hear this and I think this is key to your problems here.

Can you get into therapy? You need to realise that the reason you are accepting this abuse is because you know no other way. It's familiar to you and so you are not running away in horror like someone with a high self-esteem would.

What you need is to raise your self-esteem. You will need help to do that because sadly you were not encouraged to do this as a child.

You need self-compassion. Here is an article to read. You could try answering the questions below:

Questionnaire: Do You Suffer from Debilitating Shame Due to Childhood Abuse?

1. Do you blame yourself for the abuse you experienced as a child?
2. Do you believe your parent (or other adult or older child) wouldn’t have abused you if you hadn’t pushed him or her into doing it?
3. Do you believe you were a difficult, stubborn, or selfish child who deserved the abuse you received?
4. Do you believe you made it difficult for your parents or others to love you?
5. Do you believe you were a disappointment to your parents or family?
6. Do you feel you are basically unlovable?
7. Do you have a powerful inner critic who finds fault with nearly everything you do?
8. Are you a perfectionist?
9. Do you believe you don’t deserve to be happy, loved, or successful?
10. Do you have a difficult time believing someone could love you?
11. Do you push away people who are good to you?
12. Are you afraid that if people really get to know you they won’t like or accept you? Do you feel like a fraud?
13. Do you believe that anyone who likes or loves you has something wrong with them?
14. Do you feel like a failure in life?
15. Do you hate yourself?
16. Do you feel ugly—inside and out?
17. Do you hate your body?
18. Do you believe that the only way someone can like you is if you do everything they want?
19. Are you a people pleaser?
20. Do you censor yourself when you talk to other people, always being careful not to offend them or hurt their feelings?
21. Do you feel like the only thing you have to offer is your sexuality?
22. Are you addicted to alcohol, drugs, sex, pornography, shopping, gambling, or stealing, or do you suffer from any other addiction?
23. Do you find it nearly impossible to admit when you are wrong or when you’ve made a mistake?
24. Do you feel bad about the way you’ve treated people?
25. Are you afraid of what you’re capable of doing?
26. Are you afraid of your tendency to be abusive—either verbally, emotionally, physically, or sexually?
27. Have you been in one or more relationships where you were abused either verbally, emotionally, physically, or sexually?
28. Did you or do you feel you deserved the abuse?
29. Do you always blame yourself if something goes wrong in a relationship?
30. Do you feel like it isn’t worth trying because you’ll only fail?
31. Do you sabotage your happiness, your relationships, or your success?
32. Are you self-destructive (engaging in acts of self-harm, driving recklessly, suicidal attempts, and so on)?
33. Do you feel inferior to or less than other people?
34. Do you often lie about your accomplishments or your history in order to make yourself look better in others’ eyes?
35. Do you neglect your body, your health, or your emotional needs (not eating right, not getting enough sleep, not taking care of your medical or dental needs)?

Healing the Shame of Childhood Abuse Through Self-Compassion | Psychology Today

Op you can do better than this excuse of a man. Look out of your window and the first man you see I can guarantee will be nicer, kinder and decent.

I will take everyone’s advice on board. I think what bamboozles me is that he tells me I’m so negative, I’m never positive but I am so unsure where I stand with him due to mood changes and push and pull. I don’t know how to keep the peace as I never know what’s going to upset him. So it’s hard to be totally positive and bubbly

You are still focusing on him!

What about YOU? Don't you matter? You're unhappy in this relationship (I'm not surprised). What is there to be bamboozled about? You're not happy because he's an awful person.

He doesn't want you to know where you stand with him. That's the whole point of why he is doing what he does. Keeping you off balance, all the better to mess with your head and control you.

Why keep the peace? That would mean accepting abuse and keeping your mouth shut. Be a good little puppet and wait for him to pull your strings?

Why would anyone be "positive and bubbly" living through this nightmare of a relationship?

You need to start tuning into YOU. I know that's hard for a childhood abuse survivor. That's why you need a professional therapist to guide you through.

Why don't you think you deserve to be happy?

Imagine a good friend or if you had a daughter. Would you happily send her off to have a relationship with an abusive bully? I'm sure you wouldn't! So why do you think it's good enough for you? Because your self-esteem is at rock-bottom, that's why.

You should definitely want more for yourself. I really want more for you than this and I don't even know you!

Just stop agonising over it and questioning it.

There is nothing to discuss. You’re in a horrible relationship with someone who is a pos. End it.

@ThewayIam
You continue to ask the wrong questions. It is irrelevant where you stand with him. You focus should be on his standing with you. You are looking for ways to legitimize and justify behavior that continues to leave you unhappy.

You are neither his analyst nor his therapist. It does not matter why he behaves as he does. It only matters that the behavior is unacceptable to you. You are looking for a loving and caring companion . You are not looking for a project in need of repair. If you want to understand and fix someone, you should focus on fixing yourself.

I’ve been struggling with insomnia for 2 years now. Maybe it’s from this relationship stress? If my health starts suffering as a result, it is a good idea to end it

That's how it is, he is right and you are to blame. Never mind the fact that his behavior makes you feel like shit, wears you down, you're the issue.

It can be anything and everything that sets it off but you won't understand why or what that is until it happens. Over time in order to avoid blow ups, you will become hyper vigilant, intercepting negative scenarios, conversations, other people's interactions. You can be a saint, do everything right but it will be wrong. Even your facial expression or tone is analysed.

You are part of a psychological game without knowing it, unaware of the rules. The rules are for you and not for him, he sets the rules, it's rigged and the only outcome is, you are at fault and he is not.

There's no rhyme nor reason to it, you cannot reason with the unreasonable. That was my experience anyway.

Absolutely a bad relationship affects your health. I can vouch for that personally.

Not only do you experience insomnia, fear, confusion and feeling sick to your stomach, you will find your focus on him makes you neglect yourself in all sorts of ways - eating right, exercising, keeping track of dental appointments, friendships, work, and all sorts of self-care.

Your mind going round in circles trying to "fix" a man like this leaves no time for anything else. Stressed to the max, you will burnout and become ill. Don't let that happen to you.

@ThewayIam

Do you need something to make you physically sick before you realize that it is not good for you? Why isn't simply leaving you unhappy not reason enough to end it?

You’re right. Anything can be a trigger and a reason to be unhappy with me. Even the first time he introduced me to his sister he ridiculed me for not being conversational enough. I was nervous but I felt I did a good job engaging.

I think the point of relationships is to feel secure, loved, to give those feelings back and to have shared memories and a bit of a laugh. Enjoy each others company.

it’s not all going to be roses and loveliness, but, in short, mostly, they are there for you and vice versa.

if not, and there are no kids which might give more pause for thought….move on.

I do forget appointments and things easily and have frequent stomach aches. I was thinking maybe I have a food intolerance suddenly. Sometimes when I try being light hearted and make a joke he will say ‘am I meant to laugh because you’re not funny.’
I don’t know what to talk about half the time.

I bet most or maybe all your health problems started in the last 3 years?

It can affect your health severely. I fell sick years ago with a mysterious illness that affected me cognitively and my entire body and they didn't know why. I couldn't walk, talk, was randomly going blind and deaf and extremely sick. I lost weight to the point of hospitalisation and what I did eat I couldn't tolerate.

I have been diagnosed with a neurological disorder recently and am in neuro rehab. Since I left, magically all my symptoms have gone and I'm getting better. I can eat again and my weight increasing. My neurologist team have said in the majority of patients the leading cause is psychological trauma such as abuse.

@ThewayIam you've described my ex perfectly. The mood swings, the short temper, every few weeks, "I'm done". The gaslighting to the point where I had to write things down so I could recall the actual facts rather than doubting myself. Each and every time we went on holiday he'd finish it mid-trip and threaten to leave me stranded. I got called names, lied to, he booked massages with "extras" at least twice that I know of. Every time I called him out on something he'd get angry and give me the silent treatment until I backed down. Everything became about trying to please him and even though I learned to block out the shouting, he shouted even more because I didn't respond.

I eventually got the courage to walk away. He's on my mind constantly and there are times the way he treated me (like a piece of dirt under his shoe) hurts so much, but I know I can't go back there again.

Maybe he'll be better/nicer with the next woman when he finds one and I hope for her sake he is. However, how he was with me in public was very different to how he was in private which should have also told me he knew the way he was behaving was wrong.

I’m sorry you went through this. My bf and I don’t go out much. But it’s always just him and I. He only sees his friends at a sport event . Hardly socialises. He won’t do anything with my friends as he doesn’t like most of them.

This is awful. You could’ve died! I didn’t know this condition existed. I’m so glad you’re recovering and hope you never relapse.

I’ve had gut issues from teenager but things are worse now and then other things like headaches, insomnia, forgetfulness, restlessness

Being made to believe it’s my fault. This is my whole reason for this thread - am I the toxic one he says I am or is he abnormal

He has every red flag going, this man!

He doesn’t see them. He’s not once taken blame for any problems or arguments and never said sorry