Are All Men Like This

[ThewayIam]

Hi MN members
I’m I’m my 30s and dating a man for just over 3 years. He’s divorced and a few years older but not a big gap.
Anyway in the starts of the relationship he was easy to talk to and seemed a good listener, empathetic and supportive. Loving. Caring. Lots of affirmations with hugs and caresses.
Then he started changing bit by bit and the relationship seems to be so hot and cold. He will tell me he loves me and is faithful, but will go a few weeks with no physical contact. I don’t just mean no sex, but no hugs or kisses even. He will go quiet and barely talk. He will get angry at me for minor things. He will give me silent treatment. Whenever I’ve talked about this to him he will say I must grow up and not be annoying and so emotional. He just dismisses his behaviour and my feelings. He doesn’t care when I feel rejected and invisible. He will even shout and swear at me and run me down when he’s moody and not apologise. It’s either my fault or he will say all relationships have arguments and ups and downs and I can’t expect him to be perfect. Well no - I don’t expect that but is it hard to try consistently to be respectful and caring and communicate properly? Is it hard to say sorry when you’ve called your partner awful names and told them to STFU often. I can end up in tears and still be told to stop being immature.
Another thing is he shows me little if any sexual attention and says sex isn’t the be all and end all of a relationship. It does hurt though that he’s a selfish lover.
I do love him for the good points and fun times but I don’t know if I’m expecting too much and being too sensitive. I just Mr Ty feel secure and truly loved and wanted but he says I’m just being a negative paranoid pain in the arse.

Good luck @ThewayIam . You truly do deserve better.

I posted earlier.

The other thing I realised about my ex was, just because he said something bad about me (I was too sensitive, I was pathetic, stupid etc, etc) didn’t mean it was true, and didn’t mean he even thought it was true.

Yep, they will lie to your face. Because while you are trying to communicate your feelings to them honestly, they just want to WIN, whatever the conversation/argument is about.

They want you to shut up and they want to continue doing whatever they want. Each time they shut you up, you’ll think twice before you dare raise it again. Eventually they have full control of you.

I repeat, men like this will lie and say the opposite of what they really think, if it means they get their own way/or it means they can keep you under their thumb.

Once you get this, you stop believing there’s any wrong with you.

Please dump this loser OP!

What can we do to help you do that?

That's so 'classic'. "No one else will ever want you" is just about the #1 tool in the emotional abuser's toolbox. Such a lie! And keeping you 'living in hope' is the #2 tool. It keeps you jumping through their hoops and dancing to their tune in hopes they'll 'go back to that stage'. Ain't gonna happen. Or if it does, it's only temporary to get you back in your box.

Yes, definitely time for a big change. And it's within your power to make that change. Perhaps sit down and write a list of all the abusive behaviours and all the 'disrespects' he's subjected you to. Then write down a list of how your life will be without him. I know you'll see the right thing to do. Then get rid of him. Keep those lists close to hand to read again and again if you need to.

I'm not saying you won't hurt or have a feeling of emptiness. But remember it isn't the man, himself, that you're missing. It's the death of the dream of what your life would be. But there will soon be a new dream, a better one.

You can also look at it another way. Everything they say to you is almost like a confession without taking responsibility. In reality you would find someone else and be able to have a meaningful relationship but it is him that wouldn't be able to find anyone willing to put up with his behavior.

Although they can dupe people it takes the right type of person and a lot of effort in order to break someone down from scratch without slipping up.

Just a word of warning be careful how you proceed because they don't generally like rejection or the truth about themselves. I made the mistake of calling mine out and standing up for myself and now trying to destroy and smear me.

Yeah best to keep it simple and not give them ammo to argue with you with.

Just 'I'm not happy in this relationship anymore so I'm done'.

And if he gives it 'oh do you're not going to fight for us!' You can reply 'Nope. Relationships shouldn't be a fight. Byeeeeee!'.

If he says he deserves to meet in person to talk, or that you owe him an explanation- you don't. He knows fine well why. He's not looking for an explanation, he's looking for an opportunity to gaslight and manipulate you into not dumping him.

They ALL say that.

they are boringly predictable in things like this

ill give you a superpower now.

everything they say to hurt/insult you is what THEY are most terrified of hearing.

trust me on this. Turn it round and use something he’s said to hurt you to him. Use any opportunity that presents itself to find something he’s said to you and say it back.

he will literally shrivel before your eyes - it works, every time.

they abuse and manipulate you because they’re weak, not because they’re strong. The aggression is masking their weakness and is their tool to erode you to a point where there is nothing left of you and he rules absolutely.

dump him now, because you know you need to

we all know and understand that you don’t want to, but he’ll destroy you and the longer you stay, the harder it gets, the more damage is done and the longer it’ll take you to recover

This is so true as I get told to shut up all the time and to ‘drop it’ because if I don’t, I’ll be ignored for two days.

Sex is another part of it that won't ever make sense. My ex was allover me like a rash in the phone stage. Phone sex. Pictures. Flirting. Then for a poxy 6 weeks of the physical relationship we had intimacy. Then for 9 months he was never bothered. All he did was sleep. Then we split up due to many of his behaviours. 9 months later we tried again. For 9 months we had the best sex ever. He was so focused on me and making me feel good..he was obsessed with certain parts of my body. But then he lost his job and I remember him just loosing his sex drive over night. I remember 6 weeks in me saying can we try have sex this weekend as I was feeling bored and unwanted. He snapped at me. Said he felt like a monkey and was sick of me making him feel bad about it.

The thing Is I craved his touch physically alot and I realised in the end it was because it was the only time he was focused on me properly or showed any passion. When he had no interest in me sexually there was always that distance between us. I was always trying to work out why he didn't want me. Was it a woman. Was it the attraction had gone.

My ex actually cheated on his ex alot and kept in touch with her when we were a couple. He was a really shitty person and actually thought that his old partner deserved that place in his life because they had a 9 year relationship. He acted like it was absolutely unjustified for me to be uncomfortable with him sending her 3 xxx and allowing her to disrespect me. Because apparently she just cared! Like I said above he messed around alot in their relationship and it was very much still that drama keeping them in contact.

My bf has two ex girlfriends that I know of whom he talks to at times and one ex friends with benefits. Apparently it’s ok because they’re exes from years ago. But I’ve had couple males message me that i went to school with and I’ve been open about it and showed him the messages even though they’re totally innocent - and he’s raged. How stupid I am not to understand they’re trying to get in my pants and I’m fucking naive

OP I feel so sad for you. My ex was the same, except there was no name calling, just constant criticism, hot and cold, not touching me for months, and when he did it was all about him. I spent two years trying to get back the lovely man I'd met at the beginning. I blamed myself for his behaviour and so did he. When I asked him why he was treating me the way he did, he outlined my various deficiencies and suggested he would have to breakup with me at some near future point if I didn't improve. I was suicidal by the end, dreading him leaving me, hating myself because I was so inadequate. Then he did break up (because he thought I was close to leaving him) and I just felt relief. I went to therapy because I was worried my personality issues had destroyed my relationship with the love of my life. The therapist said he was emotionally abusive and controlling and when I started to read about emotional abuse it was like reading about my relationship. It was mental torture. It's hard to accept but if someone loves you they won't treat you badly consistently. He doesn't love you. Like PP on this thread, my friends kept telling me to leave because he was mistreating me but I thought they just didn't understand how hard it was for him to be with someone like me. I kept trying to 'fathom' his behaviour, like you, because I thought I could solve it. But you can't. The whole point is that you will fail. Normal men don't behave like this. If he was normal and disliked you so much, he'd have ended the relationship gently and respectfully when he realised you weren't the one for him.

My mother never left and almost 40 years later she is a shell of a person, she lies to protect my abusive father, she has no self-esteem because he has put her down in the most disgusting ways. She hates herself and she is angry at women who don't hate themselves. I suppose she's spent four decades trying to get back the nice guy she met in the beginning and blaming herself for his treatment. She says repeatedly that he abuses her because she's fat. She alternates between starving and binging. I suppose she thinks if she could just get thin, he'll be kind to her. She let him treat me in the same way. The worst thing is she has no self and no stable opinions. She will have an opinion and if you disagree she pretends she has your opinion and always had. It's awful. She's incapable of conversation. She just stares into space. If you ask her what she wants to eat, she doesn't know, she has to ask my father what he wants first.

If you keep clinging on, this is your future. It just gets worse.

Wow I feel sad for your mother and sad you went through what you went through too. I definitely don’t want to end up like your mother. I can identify with you with the feelings of failure and inadequacy and trying to improve in attempts to win the man’s affection and approval back and feel wanted and a success. Desperate to have the ‘rewards’ of his physical touch and prove my worth. I tell my friends that he’s lots because he puts up with me and hasn’t walked away even though I’m hard work (because he’s told me that so often I believe it)

Silent treatment is one of the tools of the trade and that to me is one of the worst. It leaves you in an endless state of torment from your own head. They want you to chase, to beg and plead, apologize for doing nothing and the more you do the longer it goes on.

The ex thing is because they see people as objects, possessions. They never get over people even though they say they do and they often circle back and try to hook them back in again. They are all on the shelf. You would also be on the shelf too but that depends on how it ends. It doesn't matter how long it's been, they have no qualms reconnecting like no time has passed.

If you happen to hit their ego too much instead of being on the shelf, you are enemy number one and they will go all out to destroy you. This is why you need to be careful, the wrong word, way of dealing with them can invoke that rage and when they are in that rage they can become violent.

For example I was so beat down and sick near the end, mine actually discarded me like rubbish. Then proceeded to manipulate me for weeks after separation and when I started to notice what was going on and I stood up for myself, she took our children away and is now scapegoating me. I haven't seen or spoken to them in seven months, and the family hasn't either they are isolated and are in danger.

Life is too short to spend your time with someone like this.

@ThewayIam But if someone thinks you have no worth you will never be able to convince them otherwise.

As for the silent treatment, my ex did this all the time. When he first did it, I didn't really understand what was happening. Our relationship had seemed perfect and we were so in love. When I asked him about it, he explained in such a 'nice' way that he had just discovered an issue that he had with me (something he'd been aware of since day one), and he wasn't going to say anything because he didn't want to hurt me, but he might have to break up with me over it. I asked him if he wanted to break up. Not now, he said, but maybe in a few months. I was completely confused and devastated. I explained to him how hurtful the silent treatment is, that my parents had subjected me to it for months at a time when I was a kid. I was also shocked by the 'issue' and I explained that I wanted to understand where he was coming from but I just couldn't see how it was an issue, although it was something he knew I was self-conscious about. I didn't realise I was just giving him ammunition. I also realised when the relationship was over, that he wasn't really going to break up with me, it was just a way of deflecting the conversation from 'Why are you treating me like shit?' to 'You deserve to be treated like shit and if you ask me about it I'll threaten to leave so you better be a complete doormat from now on.' If I'd grown up in a healthy home, I'd have run a mile when the silent treatment started. People who grow up in loving homes recognise weird abusive shit as soon as it pops up.

As a PP said, life is too short. I really hope you leave him. I think you probably won't though.

No one deserves to be treated like this. You're not some special kind of person who deserves abuse. You're just a normal human being who deserves what everyone else deserves - basic kindness and respect.

Op you are worth far more than this man is giving you. Please download & rread "Why does He Do That? "Inside the minds of angry & controlling men. By Lundy Bancroft .
Gather up your courage & self esteem & leave him. Ask for support from your friends & family & see a relationship counsellor to strengthen your boundaries in future relationships.

Thank you I’ll do this.
will hopefully help me not feel like I’m the problem anymore. He tells me I push him away. I push everyone away and I’m not normal and will end up alone with nobody to push. I know I have my faults but can’t be 100% to blame.
i look forward to reading this book

It's like every single part of the relationship is damaged. You can't trust them. I saw this thing once that said your gut instinct is your psychic sense. Its already telling you everything. We should trust it more. Its protecting us. But we ignore it.

Things you say are relatable to every woman who's experienced this because they all do the same things.

Blame
Lie
Shut down conversations
Suffer from mood swings
Have addictions
Have secretive behaviour with phones
They are jealous
Often boring
No friends and broken family relationships
Still stuck in the past talking about exes and bad times..
Stalking their exes.

They also
Blame shift
Put you down
Deny you to express things
Accuse you of being immature, paranoid or jealous.
Future fake

If you look most of what made you happy was the promises that didn't happen!

Yes I identify with ALL the points you made. Even the weird behaviour with his phone.
I’ve definitely got the courage and awareness now to end this.

I'd hold off on lundys book for a bit. At least till you're out and over him totally.

It's a hard read and he worked with the most violent of abusers. In abusive relationships we have a tendency to go 'oh but other women have it worse. My guy doesn't do xyz so I guess it's not that bad'.

But if you Google lundy bankrofts 9 types of abusers you may find that an interesting read.

Also, definately hit up YouTube videos on narcissistic abuse.

Imo, I'd leave the hard going books for now. Keep learning in bitesized amounts though. The more you learn shout these sort, the more repulsive they become.

You know, being alone isn't something to be afraid of. Being alone, without someone who makes you feel small, who makes you feel like a dog that he is training, can be incredibly liberating.

Never be scared to be alone.

If I talk to him about his treatment of me, he just gets mad and swears and belittles me, sometimes has screamed like a banshee and I’m reduced to tears saying ‘I’m telling you that your behaviour is hurting me and yoI respond with more abuse’
Hes told me to stop expecting him to be emotional support because he’s a man and besides I need to just chill the fuck out and be normal. I’m the only person he’s ever met that is so weird and stupid and high maintenance

Why... just why on EARTH would you put up with this?! He is a horrible, manipulative, abusive prick. Dump him. Right now. I am wondering what your experiences in life have been, that you have to even question whether to leave this man or not.

The question should never be 'are all men like this'? It should be 'do I enjoy what this man brings to my life?'

If you don't, then get rid. There's a lid for every pot.

He was great the first 6 months.
right now I’m only happy 50% of the time at most.

And I'd be willing to bet you a donut that during that 50% you're actually only 'happy' because you're walking on eggshells to avoid his nastiness, so your happiness is only based on how well you keep HIM happy. That's not being happy. I'll be the 'real' times you experience actual happiness is when he's not around!

But just think, once you get out of this situation, you WILL be truly happy! And a lot more than 50% of the time!!!