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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Help me understand what I’m seeing (H’s behaviour related).

277 replies

FrogFighter · 25/10/2023 21:23

Together for 24 years. Married for 20. DS 15 and DD 19.

he left 6 weeks ago.

saw his rented house today.

bar table in front room with fully stocked beer fridge
all black and grey
pictures of DJs and music related visuals in black frames on walls
one photo of DCs in frame when very small
only other photo is of H on stag do 25 years ago with mates
‘joey and chandler’ armchair
black leather sofa and big TV
FROSTIES in cupboard
24 cans of tango in kitchen
polyester 90s bedding with black and white zigzags
plans to put a pool table in garage

what have I experienced?

OP posts:
Theredjellybean · 26/10/2023 10:31

I agree with all the worthy posts about him doing the right thing for him...he is entitled to his own interior design choices etc...

But I read the OP as a light hearted one.
I sniggered and hope the OP laughed heartily to herself once out of the scene of this crime against good taste flat.
I would also be wondering what kind of fun party women there are out there that are attracted to men with dated decor and polyester sheets...maybe ones you have to pay ?

Worldgonecrazy · 26/10/2023 10:39

EmmaEmerald · 26/10/2023 10:16

Oh and now I want a mini pool table! 😂

Why mini? You can get full size ones that double as a dining table. 🎱

Littlelucas · 26/10/2023 10:40

What you are seeing is the reality of the Male Midlife Crisis.

what a bellend!

Viella11 · 26/10/2023 10:46

What cereal and drinks should he have? What material should his bedding be made from? Why do you care about any of this?

Guess I'm in the minority here but I don't see what's wrong with any of it really. If this was a woman wanting to move out and decorate how she wanted and eat what she wanted... I'm sure she would rightly get a lot of support not people calling her an asshole and saying she's having a crisis.

WoollyBat · 26/10/2023 10:47

Well... I'd agree it's his place and his choice, and I do defend his right to decorate how he likes (within reason if your kids are going there, but this is just taste, not a Nazi shrine or a sex dungeon etc).

But I would be kind of aghast that he hadn't matured or even just changed his tastes since he was a teen/young man and seems to want to go back to those days. To me it would suggest that throughout the marriage I'd essentially been hauling along someone who looked like a man but was essentially 19 in his outlook and thoughts. And I'd probably think it was a good thing it ended.

When I ended my LTR I did really love being able to decorate my own place (with the kids' input too) and yes it was probably more feminine and colourful overall than my ex's taste. But it wasn't about making everything like it was when I was a teenager! I don't think many women would do that. It is an old cliche that men never grow up and I don't think it does apply to all men, but I think there are a lot of "manchild" men playing the part of an extra child in their domestic situation.

WoollyBat · 26/10/2023 10:49

Re polyester sheets, does he even know what they are? My 50-something ex doesn't really have a clue that things like sheets come in different fabrics. They're just sheets.

ManateeFair · 26/10/2023 10:49

Help me understand what I’m seeing

You're seeing someone whose marriage wasn't working, who has now thought 'Fuck it, I don't have to dance to anyone else's tune any more and if I want to have a house that feels like fun to me, I bloody well will.' I mean... fair enough?

Op what will YOUR dream home now look like?
I’m in it!

Well, there you go. Your marital home was your dream home, not his. I think most people who break away from a marriage that wasn't working probably feel a sense of relief at being able to be their own person again.

If one of my friends had been unhappy in her 24-year marriage and finally reached the end of her tether and moved out, and then decorated her new place in a frivolous girly impractical way that she loved, but which her husband would have hated because the family home was his dream home and didn't have many traces of her personality or taste in it, I think I'd be applauding her. I'd also think nothing of her having a photo of her and her mates on the wall, and I certainly wouldn't be telling her off for having Frosties for breakfast or putting everything down to a 'mid-life crisis'.

I appreciate that you're hurt by the end of your marriage and worried about finances and your sons. Of course that's going to be hurtful and incredibly sad. I do sympathise a lot in that regard. But I also think your reaction to your ex's new place probably does hold a few clues as to why you and your husband have grown apart. You are very, very different people and it sounds like perhaps he wants to be himself again and couldn't see a way of doing that within your marriage.

ManateeFair · 26/10/2023 10:51

Viella11 · 26/10/2023 10:46

What cereal and drinks should he have? What material should his bedding be made from? Why do you care about any of this?

Guess I'm in the minority here but I don't see what's wrong with any of it really. If this was a woman wanting to move out and decorate how she wanted and eat what she wanted... I'm sure she would rightly get a lot of support not people calling her an asshole and saying she's having a crisis.

One hundred per cent this.

PaminaMozart · 26/10/2023 10:56

If this was a woman wanting to move out and decorate how she wanted and eat what she wanted... I'm sure she would rightly get a lot of support not people calling her an asshole and saying she's having a crisis

Well yes. Quite. But chances are she'd be the one left holding the babies - and everything else! - so her ability, financial and otherwise, to indulge her wants in the same way as OP's ex-husband, would be severely restricted.

OccasionalHope · 26/10/2023 10:57

Classic midlife crisis decor.

Littlelucas · 26/10/2023 11:02

I don't see how his choice of home decor is any of your business and its quite rude to criticise it when it doesn't affect you at all. Maybe he's spend the last 20+ years living with your choice of decoration and he's now finally breaking free and living how he wants?

God, you can really tell which posters on here are men probably living their own little midlife crisis and recognising themselves in the OP 🤣🤣🤣

AlwaysPrettyOnTheInside · 26/10/2023 11:02

Dindundundundeeer · 26/10/2023 10:03

I hope you never find yourself on the receiving end of a relationship breakdown.

They've split up. its HIS new home. Its got nothing to do with OP.

SurprisedWithAHorse · 26/10/2023 11:03

I'm loving all the angry, frustrated middle aged dudes pretending that the issue really is as simple as the fact he's got shit taste in decor and therefore OP is the villain for cramping his polyester style.

He has left his long marriage and his children, right at GCSE time, because at the age of 50 he's decided that actually there's a bachelor pad with a revolving door of horny babes with his name on it and he'd be living it right up if not for the old ball and chain. The ridiculous time warp he's set up for himself, in which there's barely a glimpse of his children, is basically the solid proof of why he's fucked over his family and upended their lives - because he thinks that if he deems it so, the world and aforementioned babes won't notice it isn't 1997 and he's not 22.

Not living as he wanted for 20 years? I'm going to take a gamble that he wasn't exactly 50:50 carer? And whose fault is it that he married and twice impregnated a woman he now finds boring as a result of those choices?

The wife who got left behind has a God given right to look at the time capsule he's set up for himself, recognise his thought processes in it and think less of him for it. After all, he was allowed to drop his entire family in it when he didn't like what they'd become. This is pretty mild in comparison.

I do agree, though, that this is indeed what it looks like when you leave before cheating and I don't think it's such a vastly superior situation.

dorriss · 26/10/2023 11:07

ok it is different whe you socialise when you are older of course, but why should people over 50 never socialise again in different life enhancing ways?Yes he has gone too far perhaps but maybe he was just bored bored bored and doesnot want to be'way past it'.A couple needs to do things together and socialise and live life not just the mundanity and DREARY over 50 lifestyle people seem to think is so normal.not about clubbing or trying to be 18 but just trying new things.Perhaps he needed to be asked what he wanted other than to be a fifty something parent and provider.Of course men do love to pretend they are not older and get the young girlfriend etc which is crass and moronic and women should challenge that,but also they need as women do, whether childed or not, to have some freedom.Men are people too.Why mock him? Are you mature?I am sure he is a jerk essentially but try to look beyond your views.know its hard when they have left but understanding people is the only way to get them bak or get over them.of course i hope he is financially contributing.

AmazingSnakeHead · 26/10/2023 11:18

FloydPepper · 26/10/2023 09:46

I don’t think anyone is telling the op to just get over splitting up. It’s devastating.

but

all this bloke is doing is the things he wants and for whatever reason hasn’t been doing. If he was a woman buying new clothes, or decorating how she wants now she single she’d be getting unanimous support and encouragement. It’s a cheap shot to take the piss.

Edited

Oh, give over. There is something about posting online that makes people feel like they need to have the fake impartiality of the BBC. We don't! This man is nothing to us, we've never met him or spoken to him. But the OP sounds lovely and funny and has posted because she's having a tough time holding down the fort alone and looking for some solidarity. If your friend, auntie, or slightly drunk acquaintance at a party told you this story - about the house, the decor, the divorce - what would you say, "oh but think about it, it's a cheap shot to take the piss"? Of course you wouldn't. You would LAUGH, tell her she's well rid, and offer to root around the garage for a nylon fake sheepskin rug and comedy holiday shot glasses.

This idea that we can't laugh at things that are uncool because it's a man living his freedom to me misses an important aspect of human conenction. No one is suggesting that the OP's ex goes to prison for his crimes against the Natural Passage Of Time. But the reality is that when divorces happen it's almost always the woman who stays to parent solo, handling the emotional and financial brunt of family life, while the man galavants off to live carefree. Of course, most of us would never choose to swap, because we prefer being the parent that stays with the kids. But it is stressful and upsetting, especially if after pouring decades into raising children the reason given is "I want to date people who are MORE FUN THAN YOU!". The Mojo Dojo Casa House is funny precisely because it represents a pattern we all recognise.

What are we supposed to do, as women, in the face of this pattern? In the face of this bullshit social expectation that women carry on, wihtout complaint or even comment, and men go and live their best lives in 90s decor? We could sit around and cry about it. We could (and should, and do!) get man about it. But also we can sit back in our lovely normal adult home with our children and just take the piss out of it.

Resilience · 26/10/2023 11:20

I really wish people would RTFT before taking aim at people (says a lot about their desire to pull people down IMO).

I totally misinterpreted the OPs thread as being a lighthearted comment on her estranged H's choice of decor, NOT a thread about what he had done to her, which is of course not ok. I am genuinely sorry for reading it wrong and those who did actually RTFT will see I posted again to say I hoped she was ok once that had been made clear.

FrogFighter in case I haven't made it clear enough, I am genuinely sorry for what you've been through and the impact it's had on your DC mid-GCSEs. It's incredibly selfish behaviour and it sounds like you are behaving with dignity and calm in real life and letting it all out here instead. I genuinely thought you were taking the piss out of his choice of decor rather than looking for comfort about what he'd done to you as your original OP focused so much on describing it. But my intention was never to cause hurt and I'm sorry.

YokoOnosBigHat · 26/10/2023 11:28

lifesrichpageant · 26/10/2023 05:27

Mojo Dojo Casa House

This.

Littlelucas · 26/10/2023 11:30

Re polyester sheets, does he even know what they are? My 50-something ex doesn't really have a clue that things like sheets come in different fabrics. They're just sheets.

Do posters such as this just not have a sense of humour, is that the problem?

Some people don’t seem to understand irony!

The OP’s post was clearly a wry, humorous attempt at yes poking fun but also trying to understand her husband-of-25-years behaviour. I have seen this happen to so many friends and it’s always the men that do this, I’ve never witnessed a mother leaving her partner and children to set up a bachelorette shag-pad because they want to go clubbing and play the field. It just doesn’t really happen.

To all the fun sponges on here why don’t you just fuck off and go and start your own thread whinging about your uptight, bitter ex-wives who you had to leave bc they didn’t want to go out clubbing in their 50’s?! You can rhapsodise about the merits of polyester sheets (don’t need ironing!) and whether it’s selfish to spend family money on a motorbike/2nd hand sports car (of course not, that’s YOUR money to spend as you like - it doesn’t matter that the dcs need new shoes, the ex can worry about that!)
this is direct experience of friends of mine btw - my best friend was crying to me that he wouldn’t give her half towards the school uniform/shoes claiming poverty - the next week he went out and bought a £3k tv. Twat.

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WoollyBat · 26/10/2023 11:35

*Do posters such as this just not have a sense of humour, is that the problem?

Some people don’t seem to understand irony!*

Well harrumph.

WoollyBat · 26/10/2023 11:53

The OP’s post was clearly a wry, humorous attempt at yes poking fun but also trying to understand her husband-of-25-years behaviour. I have seen this happen to so many friends and it’s always the men that do this, I’ve never witnessed a mother leaving her partner and children to set up a bachelorette shag-pad because they want to go clubbing and play the field. It just doesn’t really happen.

If you read my post it said much the same as this para!

And yes I am bitter (about being called a fun sponge!😡) but I'm not a man!

QueenCamilla · 26/10/2023 12:12

Lucky you OP! It's so pleasing when an ex gives a photo-op of "101 reasons why I'm a bellend". Fuck feelings when there are glorious visuals! 😁

And I'd feel no ounce of difference if it were my (imaginary) tyrannical female boss "finding herself again" at 53 with pink-parrot themed wallpaper, glittery cushions and love quotes from The Range as wall decor. That would be very sweet indeed!

PaminaMozart · 26/10/2023 12:18

the OP sounds lovely and funny and has posted because she's having a tough time holding down the fort alone and looking for some solidarity

Abso-bloody-lutely!!

itsmyp4rty · 26/10/2023 12:20

What a sad predictable twat. Has he not bought himself a motor bike yet?

Tell him there's a rave down the rec this weekend and you can get him some E's if he'd like. He's clearly forgotten he's not 20 any more and that there's no way he can go back.

GentlemanJay · 26/10/2023 12:23

topcat2014 · 25/10/2023 21:28

Apart from not having many photos of the kids it doesn't sound that bad.

Men ( I am one btw) don't give a shite about interior design.

I prefer crunchy nut..

Sorry for what you are going through of course.

I don't have walls covered with photos of my children. Doesn't make me or him a bad father.

Guesswho88 · 26/10/2023 12:27

Nolongera · 26/10/2023 09:31

Blimey, I had Frosties (FROSTIES!) for breakfast this morning, not real ones obvs, Asdas own version,I am not a millionaire.

Did I do something wrong?

Were they any good? I like Frosties too but I've never had supermarket's own brand.

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